ascendotum Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) I've asked myself a million times. - Motive? Well, her ex-bf is a sociopath and control freak. I could see him doing it. And he's a doctor. They have a lot of access to ketamine so it's possible. I can't get any closer using what I know. I doubt very much her Doctor ex bf would give her a drug that is designed to knock her out and then let her get in her car and drive off home and crash her car on the way. Its possible the 2nd guy she visited that night drugged her, but then she would remember who it was since she drove to his place, and then drove home early the next morning. Why was her phone turned off on her way to this other guy's place....maybe flat battery The story just doesn't quite add up. If it is someone who is a friend of hers I can understand that she might might not go to the police over it and he may have spiked one of her drinks. If that was the case then she is lying about not knowing the guy and being vague about who it was and were she was. You started to date her a week later and obviously she was coping fine and made a good impression with you to want to keep dating her. The black out story might be phoney or else she is someone who can cope well with such an event (being drugged would help suppress the event). I dont think you should go to the police without running it past her. Edited May 12, 2015 by ascendotum 1
ascendotum Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 ex-BF = married guy that she had an affair with towards the beginning of our relationship I don't have any sympathy for cheaters that get outed, since they took their chances to walk on the wild side. It is really more for the aggrieved single person who got fooled by them though to do this imo. In this situation though it seems your gf was stooged by this doctor who pretended he was single BUT she was was doing the exact same thing...pretending she was single when hooking up with him while really she in a relatiosnhip with you at the time. You think the cheating doctor is a scumbag and deserves to be outed, but your gf is no better. I dont quite get that this doctor she cheated on you with was her ex bf but she didn't know he was married. Did he get married after they broke up but didn't tell her? Informing this guy's wife of his affair with your gf is one thing, but you went further.You dug up dirt or used info your gf gave you and ruined this doctor's career. That's ****ed up. I agree you should be pissed that he was banging your gf behind your back but ratting him out to his wife was enough. Your gf did the exact same thing as the doc, so what revenge are you going to do with her? Seems you are giving her absolution from her cheating sins because of her rape story which she uses as her excuse to cheat (I understand why you wanted to verify it but you wont know for sure). 2
Author empresario Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 Lots of good thoughts, here. I won't have the opportunity to respond to each individually, as it was Margarita night at the local Mexican joint. As such, the best course of action is to type up the full story. Being somewhat new here, what is the best course of action...write the full story here or start a new thread?
No Limit Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Yeah, definitely sit your GF down before going to the police. Otherwise that fella might be another victim of false rape accusation from some crazy gal trying to cover her butt. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Lots of good thoughts, here. I won't have the opportunity to respond to each individually, as it was Margarita night at the local Mexican joint. As such, the best course of action is to type up the full story. Being somewhat new here, what is the best course of action...write the full story here or start a new thread? Keep it in this thread. But, yeah, more details will help. Include her family history if you can. Relationship with parents and siblings too.
Rejected Rosebud Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Wow what a mess. I really think you need to let this girl go you are not doing her any favors!!! I hope she ends up getting the help she needs to have a happy life after you cut her loose. 1
Author empresario Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 Incoming book...you have been warned. Also, is this the type of scenario you type *trigger warning*? I would assume so. There is so much to know. I will break it into sections because that's the only way I can manage all the data in my mind. As a preface, when I originally typed this I tried to fit a refrigerator into a smart car. There was too much implication and not enough context. What I'm going to try to do here is start from scratch in order to give full details. I promise I will still try to be unbiased like I was in the first rendition. The only difference is, I will try to provide more emotional insight. I think one of the biggest limiters in the original write-up was my dedication to formal rhetoric. My professional writing ability comes out at times. Everyone knows that when you have employees, you learn to write as neutral as a politician. A lot of people questioned how I felt during the events. I will open up the floodgate a bit because I think it will help with the advice. My original question was: Should I tell her I know her rapist, and if so how? She does not know who raped her before we became a couple. I wanted to know if she should be given the opportunity to know. Whether that was fair. Now, I am opening it up a bit. I am fine with all advice either related to the original question or otherwise. I think talking about this thing in its entirety is long overdue. It may be beneficial to just let it all out myself as well. Her Background My girlfriend grew up in a rural community. I mean, rural is used under the assumption you understand the basics of urbanization. She honestly grew up in a suburb...but it was a smaller community. The best was to describe her introduction into the world is to describe her first memory. The earliest recollection she has is walking into her dad's business with her mother as a toddler. There, in front of her, was her father fornicating with his mistress. She had to witness the fallout of her mother and father fighting. It resulted in a divorce. Her father is a narcissistic bi-polar that refuses medicinal treatment. As such he is anything but a good person. He uses manipulation to con people...without conscious. He has been in and out of relationships and marriages. Her only memories of him from childhood are terrible ones. There are stories of him buying her gifts, then selling them later when he needed money. There are stories of him using her accomplishments...and sometimes failures to get attention from the newspaper. Her mother is a hard-working soul that is one of the greatest people you will meet. She silently, and without complaint raised my girlfriend and her siblings (all brothers). Although she met every need, independently, of all of her children, she was anything but affectionate. My GF has told me she has only hugged three people her whole life. I'm pretty sure they were all boyfriends. She was from a household that never showed affection, and never spoke about their emotions. Still, she had a childhood that was fulfilling and where she had everything she needed. Maybe even too much. She wasn't even required to do chores. Her mom just graciously did it all. Her siblings are all different. They range from successful scientists to early fathers that started popping them out in high school. Every single child is different...but they seem to get along. She is not really close with any of them, or at least she doesn't show it. She is the youngest of all of the family children. If you were to ask her about her middle/high school experience...she would tell you she "just didn't really care, and found out about boys way too early". She was an early bloomer that started getting male interest early on. She was dating a senior her freshman year of high school and lost her virginity. She dated an emotionally stunted guy for 4 years after that whom she hated. She was more of a mother than anything. They broke up on occasion, where she would hook up with guys she found more attractive. They would always get back together. She is a talented athlete. I am fairly athletic myself (these days, much to the chagrin of my father rotting in hell, I'm sure...more on that later)...but she beats me any day of the week. She can outrun me in a straight line. She is petite, but weighs 30-40 pounds more than you'd expect. Success has always come easy to her. She had a debilitative illness early on in high school that will never fully go away. One of her brothers is bi-polar just like their father, and they aren't sure if she will develop symptoms of it someday. She is smart and manipulative. While others studied to get GPAs and ACT scores, she filled out scholarship essays and ended up getting a full ride with sub-par grades. In college, she switched majors often. Her first year was very vanilla. She was still with her high school sweet-heart, who followed her to the college. I know the guy quite well now. He means well, he just is very emotionally reclusive and doesn't like to do a lot socially. I feel like he was always the fallback guy. He was safe. She could hide her emotions with him. Second year of college, half way through she signs up for a dating site by the coercion of a friend. She meets a guy...let's call him Will for reference. Will is a doctor, or at least is almost done with residency. She likes guys that have proven they have motivation. She likes older guys. He is in his late twenties but is inexperienced in life. He was an outcast in his youth but has grown comfortably within himself as he got his education. Will is also, unbeknownst to her...a sociopath. He is a sociopath by the true definition. Since he was always picked on in his youth, he now has an addiction to sex and alcohol. He defines his self-worth through having sex with women. Oh yeah, Will is also married...also unbeknownst. Will likes to cheat on his wife. He is addicted to multiple dating websites and often uses his training as a care-taker to manipulate women. When emotional brainwashing doesn't work, he often gets forceful. He picks on damage women that will never report him if he forces himself onto them. Like all sociopaths, he sees no problem with this. She tells her 4-year boyfriend she is talking to someone else. I later found out her long-time boyfriend didn't know 'talking to someone else' meant forming a relationship with them. I am going to end his story by telling you all it was another 4 months before her and him actually broke up, officially. She feels like they broke up when she met Will, and that they had established they would just wait a while to tell friends and family. His opinion is that she told him about Will, but she also said "don't worry about it...it isn't anything", and didn't know they were dating until four months later. Back to the storyline... Her and Will get close very fast. She goes on vacation with him in the first month. They spend every free moment together. They sleep together every time. As she gets attached his story changes. It goes from "single" to "I had a girlfriend but we broke up", to "I am married but separated". Eventually, she finds out he's married...happily. More on that in the future. She knows she is a mistress, however she can separate her life with him and his life with his wife because the two worlds never cross. He always hides all of her things/pictures when she comes over. She never finds out about her life or what they are like together. Things are simple. Will is all she has. She is taking online classes and her free time is spent talking to him, thinking about him, or meeting up with him...sometimes even at his hospital, for a quick hookup before returning an hour home. One time, a few months into the relationship, she starts seeing baby books and pregnancy vitamins. Will breaks down, sobbing, saying his wife got pregnant after he fell in love with her. She didn't know at the time his wife was pregnant since December...before they started dating. Will knew the whole time. Will just didn't care. This was the last straw for her. I will leave out the unrelated rape at this portion as it would be a distraction. But, needless to say she wanted out. She prayed to God that someone would come into her life to get her out of a situation in which she felt trapped. She starts talking to a few guys. She eventually meets me. I will save the continuation of this in a couple sections down. My Background My background is one of adversity. I grew up as a failure. I never had a chance in life. From the second I could walk, I failed to compare to my siblings in terms of athletic talent. You see, that's what was valued in my family. My siblings are as dumb as rocks. We are talking 100-IQ simpletons that know how to run and jump. My father even married my mother because he wanted to produce athletically gifted children. Unfortunately, my 150-IQ was not enough to impress him. I was the weakest kid in my grade. I was slow. I was awkward. I liked things like DOS games...and not even sports ones. I am the youngest child. Since I was the failure, I was often the outlet of abuse. Most of it was emotional...sometimes it was physical. Never sexual. As a child, I didn't know why I always seemed to do the wrong thing. I just learned early that fathers were people to be feared. One story was early in my life. I was part of youth athletics and my father demanded to coach my team. When I would do poorly, he would put his arm around me and whisper to me about how terrible I was. How I sucked. How I was a cry-baby. How I was an embarrassment. To the people watching, he was a great, caring father. He was comforting me by putting his arm around me. Within the huddle, you would have heard the truth. The man hated me. My school life was no better. I was always above my current education-level. I was doing algebra by age 10. I was in the top programs in the state with other gifted individuals. However, even the nerds would attack me. I tell the story about how the chess club would beat me up. It's true. I had no friends. Not even people like me. I would then go home and get told I'm worthless by my father. When I was beginning to become a man, a miracle happened. A freak accident killed my father. The outside world mourned the person that died that day. I rejoiced. For me, it was a new beginning. I had developed clinical depression by age 10, and had severe anger outbursts that would leave people scared and dumb-founded. All of that began to dissipate. I was healing. My mother, who had given up chances for careers to be with us children...decided to work on her life. You see, she was finally free, too. She was a failure in his eyes as well. With her always gone and doing her own thing, I was left to raise myself. I got a job. I bought food. I lived off of soda and cereal. I stunted my own growth by mal-nutrition. I graduated high school at 135 pounds and 5'10'' . I was a recluse that hated people. I was terrified of them. Extreme agoraphobia ruled my life. But I did aspire to great things. I used my abilities and desire for achievement to rise up the pro video game ladders before pro-gaming existed. I was a legend. It felt good. During this time, I met a female. She was a lot older than me but she "got" me. She made me feel loved. She took care of me. After high school I decided to get a fresh start in another state. This woman said if I loved her I would marry her and take her with me. As someone that had never been loved, I agreed. I was manipulated into going to a court-house to make it official. That's when the nightmare started. Since I was an achiever and since I was unimaginably intelligent, I made a lot of money while getting my college education. I was gifted in technology and made good use of those gifts. I had no reason to worry, so I put all of my money into a bank account that my wife also owned. I let her handle the finances. By the end of college, it finally hit me she had never really held a job down during our whole relationship. She rarely worked. It didn't seem like she tried...especially in an area with exceptionally low unemployment. I also noticed the bank account was always at $0.00. It didn't make a lot of sense. I made decent money. Eventually I found out the truth. She was a con artist. She lied about everything, even her name. I mean, she had legally changed it after her last target. Her end game? Never work. She had men on the side. Men she actually liked. She was transferring excess funds to her own account. My credit was maxed because she would buy things using my details. I was heartbroken. Divorce ensued. She went after alimony but I got a good judge that saw through her trash. I still had to live with my debt. Fortunately I had graduated and was making over 6 figures a year as a 22 year old in a low cost of living area. I decided to change. I cut out unhealthy things. I started adding in healthy things. I got in shape. Even as a mid 20's guy, my current nutrition and mental-health caused me to finally grow. I went from 5'10'' 135 to 6'2'' 180 in a couple years. Like a flower just needing a little sunlight. One day, once my debt was finally eradicated, I saw an opportunity for a career change. I became a businessman. Over the next few years every day was a blessing. I learned so much. I grew as a person. People began liking me. Women were attracted to me. I started 3 companies, sold 2. I had some modeling gigs. It was triggered by self-discovery, particularly a book I read on 'nice guy syndrome'. Today, I am a person you would not recognize 5 years ago. It's funny to see people from my youth. People that used to make fun of me and step on me now try to get close to me. Women that used to talk behind my back now try to be with me. It's a strange transition from beta (if I was even that high up) to alpha-male. It took learning. But now I am functionally healthy. However, despite all of this, my relationships were never particularly normal. I have dated a lot of women since then. The only normal one lasted 2.5 years. She was so honest. So beautiful. The best person I've ever met. I didn't realize it at the time, but it wouldn't have ever worked. I was still broken. I was seeking broken people. I broke up with her for reasons I don't even understand. I think I told her at the time I needed to focus on my career. A bold-faced lie. I could have done that with her in my life. It is my biggest regret. She hates me now, but I wish she didn't. I lost my best friend. Since then, my only long-term relationships has been a 1-year stint with a cute, way younger lady (19 when I was 27). She was damaged in her own way. She ended up breaking up with me to be with a felon. Of course, I didn't know that's why she broke up with me. She continued casually dating me for a month until I found out she had moved from my place into the felon's place. She cheated on me with him, then on him with me. Some time later, I met my current girlfriend. She is younger as well, but within the age/2+7 model. She was mature. She was emotionally stable (as far as I could tell). She loved the fact that I had success and my own life outside of her. I thought I had found someone very special. Story of Our Relationship - The Beginning Note: I will italicize subtext during this whole thing. I think it's important for you to know both my mindset going into each blurb, as well as what was actually happening. If you see italics...it means I am telling you the background story. My first thought about her: "wow, that is a tiny human". She showed up in jeans and a low-cut top. Her waist was so small I could nearly put my hands around it. She seemed so tiny, even standing at 5'7''. I just wanted to pick her up and hug her and never put her down. It was pure attraction. She, despite her frame, had curves. I remember the first time I put my hands on the small of her back and feeling how far her butt stuck out. There wasn't anything like it. She was a genetic freak of nature. I found out later she never meant to meet anyone. She wanted to, but didn't expect to. Going out with me was more for the amusement than to actually find someone to love. And it wasn't all physical. Our first date was supposed to be casual coffee. We ended up talking for 6 hours. I cancelled all my afternoon meetings. I was in serious 'like' with this person the first day. At this time she was still dating Will. In fact, they had sex 3 days before this date...the day she found out he was going to be a father (she found out after the sex). We would chat incessantly. If it wasn't texting, we would be together. She was a sweet-heart. The first time we made out, sparks were flying. She told me "wow, I can't believe I actually want you". A strange comment at the time. Of course, I was used to women being attracted to me at that point. The comment was strange enough for me to remember. In hindsight, I now realize it's because she spent her life trying to please men...not thinking of her own attraction towards them. Within a couple weeks we decide to be exclusive. A week after that we have sex. By a week after that we can't stop having sex...ever. While she never had sex with Will after meeting me...she would still meet up with him for dates. Even after exclusivity. One night when she's over she tells me she still talks to her ex. She says if we're going to date she needs to stop talking to him completely. I write it off as the 'ex boyfriend that still wants you that you are trying to wean off of' She had met him at an event a couple days before. It had gone bad when she refused to be intimate. When she said she had to stop texting him, she really meant she needed to dump him. He didn't know about me even though she told me he did. A day before she went to the event with him she attempts to commit suicide by ingesting large amounts of Adderall and alcohol. She failed to understand Adderall in high doses counteracts the effects of alcohol. She realizes her mistake and drives herself to the hospital with a .35 BAC and 100mg of Adderall in her system. She lives. After that things go fairly smoothly. My only frustration is that she refuses to show any emotion. Especially in regards to her and I's relationship. After sex she shuts down. She won't tell me how she's feeling ever. As a guy that was raised without emotions...it was a weird transition to turn into the female. I felt so unbalanced. I later found out she would get severe depression around me. She says she was not in love with her ex at that time. I think it's pretty obvious it was either that, or it was fallout from her rape. In July I have to go out of town for an extended trip. I come back. The trip was not as I expected. I was depressed for a week and was visibly showing it. She claims this sent her spiraling down further. At the time I didn't even know she was sad. She hides it well. Early August, Will sends her a fake email trying to bait her into responding. She tells me it happened. I request she doesn't respond, as obviously that's what he's doing. Nobody accidently emails their ex. She emails him back anyways. She tells me she just wanted to clear up a few items for closure and that I shouldn't worry about it. I'm a trusting guy and I don't look into it. I have another trip in mid-August. I can tell her and I's relationship is fading. We have less sex. When we do, it is so robotic I often times can't even get the vitality to actually sustain an erection. This is when her emotional and physical affair started with Will. She often uses my intimacy issues as validation as to why the affair needed to happen...chicken and egg. In reality it started when she pulled away emotionally, spiritually, and physically. In late August I start noticing the messages between them. She stops trying to hide it. They used chat programs to communicate. Because of his marriage he refused to ever give her his phone number. I sit on the information. I am trying to be trusting. Eventually, early September I snap. I call her out on it. She tells me it was for closure (again). She tells me that if I make it my problem she would dump me. I trust her and back off. She was already emotionally checked out of her affair at this point and was looking for a way out. I gave her a reason. Even so, she still felt for him and wanted to protect him. The next few months are the best of our relationship. We go to my home state to meet my family. We spend holidays together. Our intimacy not only returns, but thrives. She even starts opening up to me emotionally...something she's never been able to do in her life outside of Will. She never tells me about the affair. One night, after Christmas but before New Year, I begrudgingly drink a bottle of wine by myself while she's sleeping. At this point, I know her phone code. What I do next I hate myself for. It's my biggest regret in any relationship to this point. I grab her phone, plug in the pin, and go to her text messaging app she still has on her phone... The Event and Story The emotional affair went from August 10-September 2...which is the day we had the fight and she stopped talking to him for good. The NC day. In my drunken state, I only had to read back 2 days to see texts like "lust you", and "I wish you were here in bed with me", and "you are my favorite, I only like <sexually explicit act> with you". I was mortified. I was scared. But I tried to keep my cool. I walked into the room and told her we need to talk. I told her I was trying not to freak out but she had to explain the texts to me. She instantly admits she had an emotional affair with Will for a week or so in August. I played my cards too soon, of course. She deleted a fair majority of evidence trying to hide it all...but not enough. Over the next day she begins trying to comfort me. She says we can break up if we want, but I intend to at least figure out the affair. I tell her I'm going to go line-by-line of the conversation/texts. She tells me not to, that there's nothing to know. I do it anyways. She had deleted most of the explicit texts out back in the day when they were talking (I in modern day have the whole transcript...I was able to resurrect the whole thing). There were references to sex. I call her out on it. She says they were joking. She tells me every oath in the world. She says she met him at a mall. Nothing happened. She says the next day he comes over. The story changes from "he just dropped something off" to "we spoke for 5 minutes" to "he hung out, yeah, but nothing happened". She swears on the Bible she's telling the truth. I tell her I accept it. I tell her it's done. Things were so good before I found out. I told her we would find a way past it. A week later I go into the office. It was a Monday. Around 2pm she Skypes me. She said she originally expected me to break up with her. As such, she didn't want to hurt me any more. She told me if we're going to continue dating we need full disclosure. She tells me she slept with Will the time he went over to her house. She takes full responsibility. I freak out. I don't tell anyone where I'm going. This is the literal point I go off the deep end. I am no longer the nice, trusting, caring boyfriend of old. My insides rot and I go on a war path. I rage at her. I make her disclose every detail. I call her names and tell her things I've never said in my life and regret to this day. Once I settle down, I used my connections to find out who his wife is. My girlfriend gives me her blessing to contact her. I do. At first she hangs up on me and refuses to believe it. By that night she is balling and contacting a lawyer. You see, Will is a master manipulator. His wife lived a fair-tale marriage. She had just given birth in September (three days after NC). She was abused sexually at times, but he was always so nice to her after. She was depressed and didn't realize it. She had tried to commit suicide several times because of how he treated her. She blocked it all out to survive. When she approached Will about it, he denied it. She told him her mistress had told her the details. He admitted it. Will's wife recounted to me later that she saw a coldness in him she never had. He did not seem the least bit remorseful. When he would admit things, it was because she had proof. He would admit it with a stone face. More details about Will came up as my girlfriend told me more stories and through his ex-wife. Having a kid was not only in his knowledge...it was his idea. He had multiple affairs. He masturbated 6-12 times a day. He did so before seeing patients. He did so before and after sex with my girlfriend. He still had sex with his wife every night...and often times physically forced her. The wife gets out. It is a hard path for her, but she survives and thrives. I will end her story out of respect for her. Because this man is a doctor and has used his status to brainwash women, I use my connections in his field to get a sit-down with the medical board. I provide evidence. They do what they feel is best. I tell my girlfriend I will take it one day at a time. If things get better every day I will stay in the relationship. The second they don't, I will step out. I loved her so damn much. A part of me still felt like the boy that didn't have a person in the world. The person she is at this point isn't the person she was. She is now open. She's now affectionate. It's hard to believe the cold, calculating, lying piece of 's' woman even existed. We begin to heal. By April life is livable again. Until of course, round 2 of 'full disclosure' begins. The Rape Story Alright, I'll start with some non-rape details first. Apart from the rape, she left out other details as well until now even though I was promised it was all out there. The big ones were...this is when I found out she was dating Will even through May of last year. I also found out she fooled around with him at the mall the first time they met up in August. She informs me it was assault. He was in her car and wouldn't leave until he was able to touch her. She told me her friend didn't go with her. Up until then she kept claiming she had a friend along, so nothing could have happened. She also told me Will blackmailed her the day they had full on sex for 3 hours. He took video of her while over and told her if she played ball, so would he. Any who...the rape. When she first goes to tell me, she can't even say it. It takes her 8 hours to inform me. She has to write it down. All she tells me is what you all already know. She tells me she blacked out after being over at Will's. She woke up, mostly clothed, being raped by a guy. She claims she couldn't move...only rotate her head back and forth. She said her vision was like a camera taking snapshots. In the morning she woke up, still hazy, and the guy was gone (whether on purpose or out getting something). This was at 8am or so. She tells me she knows his voice. She knows what he looks like. She said he was built in his upper body. He is tall (taller than me at 6'2''). She tells me she remembers a blue suit, either military or plumbing. When she woke up she was completely clothed. She describes the house layout that she remembers as she stumbled out. In detail. She tells me a 6 city-block area it probably happened because she remembers driving to her apartment (that she moved to mid-March). At the end, and this has been a point of contention in my story, she tells me she's over it. She says she has internalized it all this time and didn't think she could find comfort in me. She blames a lot of her affair on the brainwashing it caused. When she was raped, she tried to call Will, a doctor, to help her. He said he would but never showed up. Later he told her if she really thought she was raped she should go to the hospital. Since then she never told anyone. The next day she slept all day in a cold shower. She said she was bleeding and had big bruises on her thighs. She went to the hospital sometime that week, as she says 'to get the physical aspect taken care of'...I still don't know what that means. I tell her I could never be angry at her for something like that. I comfort her. I tell her I wish I could have comforted her back then. I tell her my disdain for this situation and ask her what I can do to help. I ask her if I can look into it. She tells me that I shouldn't look into it. She doesn't think she can handle reliving details (even though she's over it). She tells me that if I tried I would never figure out who. I would never figure out where. Those lines stuck in my brain. ARD (After Rape Details) At the time, and this is and important detail, I was on some experimental medication for a condition I have. It's not an important condition. It doesn't affect any of this. The medication, did, however. The pill was technically a depressant. This, combined with having my world rocked yet again, sent me into disarray. This is the time I asked for access to her accounts. She said it was fine. I used every trick in my arsenal. I resurrected her and Will's original conversation. I got dead Skype logs. I got GPS data, internet searches. I got trash data files so far into the backlogs of your computer I don't even think Apple/Windows knows they are there. It became an unhealthy obsession. She made it clear she didn't want to talk about it. As such, I had free reign to throw my obsessions into data. It consumed my life. The medication made it worse. I never slept, I never ate. There was a point in time I had 5 hours of sleep in a 8 day period. I lost 20 pounds that week. My blood work, which I get bi-weekly for my job, was showing that on paper I was nearly dead. No mater how much I searched, I couldn't find any hard evidence she was ever raped. There was no digital attempt to feel better. It's like it never occurred. When she figured out about the affair with Will, she did lots of research. When her and I were having problems, she did lots of research. But getting raped? Nothing. I made the decision to go off the meds. The withdrawal was bad. I had manic-depressive episodes where I would leave the house and wander aimlessly through town. I would sit outside hardware stores for 8 hours at a time imagining buying rope and hanging myself. When I had recovered, I engrained myself in my work for a short sprint. I caught up. I told my investors and business partners everything so that they could keep me accountable. I decided to remove myself from the situation. Now may be a good time to state that during the second reveal...I had moved to her apartment for a month while I was transitioning places. The same place she used to cheat on me. Talk about triggers...I even once found the condoms he used to use in a drawer. It sparked one of my manic episodes. Now that I'm healthy, regaining weight, and caught up in work (and removed myself from that place), I am finally at the point I can sit down and make sense of it all. That's where modern day begins. Here I am. In this community. I'm back to my normal energy and confidence. It's been a long journey. It's over. Well, it's ALMOST over. I have gone over so much data I know just about every instance that occurred. All but the rape. My mind couldn't get past it. I needed to know for me. I admit that. I also needed to know for her. If I was to stay in her life, even as a friend, I need to know what caused the blackout. I needed to know who. I needed to know where. I didn't NEED to know, but I needed to. Does that make sense? I already had all the data. I poured over it. I wrote utilities to aggregate it. In the end, I had a list of possible events that could have happened. Then, and call it a miracle, one day I'm driving back from the town her ex lives (unrelated...it was an event I had in that town). I have to pee. I get off at an exit from the highway. I see the gas station that was her last memory before blankness. I go into a slight trance. I feel like I'm going to pass out, but I know I won't. To this day, I don't know why I did this. Maybe it was because I had gone over the data so many times the address was stuck in my subconscious. But I bee-lined to the place she was raped. Of course, I didn't know I was doing it. I felt like I was on auto-pilot. When I got there, I couldn't drive past. It was on my left, but I didn't know it. There was a van on one side of the street, a truck on the other. A guy was in the truck and I couldn't drive through. I sat and waited a second. As I looked to the left, the fragmented memories of her story came to life and it hit me. The guy in the truck was wearing a plumber's outfit. The house on the left fit the description. I took pictures. I went back to my data and validated that address had shown up a few days before she met me. I bought a web report and figured out the only guy in the demographic that fit. I looked him up on social media. He was previously in the military. He was currently a plumber. He was tall, and built. He was engaged to a woman. He had a kid last August (one of her details was seeing baby furniture sitting around...but couldn't recall ever seeing a baby). I knew I had found him. The problem is, according to my girlfriend, SHE never even found him. So, with our relationship already strained and barely alive, I knew this situation was bigger than me. I, for once, kept my hole-cards a secret. I haven't told her. I want to. But I don't. It's not my information to claim. That's why I posted here. I want to know if she deserves this information. Our relationship is what it is. It will be a popular thought for me to bail. It will be a popular thought that I'm a dick for researching like I did. I don't care about any of that. I love this woman. I want her to be taken care of long-term whether it's me or someone else. My question has always been...does she deserve the opportunity to have this data? If so, how should I give it to her? THE END. God bless if you were able to read the whole thing. It was quite literally a book.
velvette Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 If she went to a hospital there should be a record of that. As well as insurance paperwork, drugstore charges for antibiotics or other drugs to prevent STD's/pregnancy. Did you ever see that or ask her to produce it? 3
Gaeta Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I'm just going to say I did not believe her rape story at first and I believe her even less now. I think she fabricated the whole rape story. I think she is a liar, I just don't know if she suffers from an undiagnosed mental illness or she is fully aware of her lies. As per her she was unconscious but had bruises on her tights? She did not try to defend herself, he didn't have to immobilize her or tie her down, and bleeding? And you didn't see any of those bruises or bleeding? 4
todreaminblue Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Since first reading your opening post i have a problem with believing a woman would make up a rape story......i cant fathom why anyoen would want to be known as a victim....i prefer survivor stuff the victim status.....but then i have problems watching rape scenes on tv or in movies because they seem real to me......or should i say they become real...i get physically cold and i change the channel.........takes me to a dark place......gives me tunnel vision......and i respond in a protection mode ...intense and protective over any woman being questioned abotu rape or disbelieved....i am sorry i do that....but i aint changing or do i not stand by the words i write............. in a way i have tunnel vision reading your posts...i have one way to look at things and that is ...believe her .......i dont know how much enlightenment i can actually give seeing my perspective is colored by what my history has taught me...... i do know i was able to fill in blanks from my child sexual assault from my mother......there was this outfit my molester bought me......it was a white dress with strawberries dress with baby bloomer like matching panties...and that started a whole backlog of alters coming out.....i didnt know them as alters but they were in fact...alters...my mother remembered the dress because she took it away from me....it was too babyish and she thought it was strange the guy was buying me babyish clothes if any clothes at all....i was six....and one of the pair of pants he bought me was a pair of nappy covers with pink lace frilly circles on the back of the pants....i was five..........i remembered places....and i got images and actual physical feelings.....darkness...hiding...cold winds......a horse stable and a toy wind up monkey...for some reason i hid in an empty horse stable..........and books....lots of dr suess books he gave to me......these memories came through in my twenties after being raped again in my teens.......more than a decade after....... the reason why i share this is.....sometimes women and even men who are raped...i know a few.....never get complete memory recall....and the reason is....protection....mind protection.....especially if the rape has been prolonged over a period of time.....its a form of self protection and control......is there any way.....and i know this is going to be polarizing...that you find it easier to believe she made it up..that fits your wishes .....you dont want to believe her........ is it possible she was drugged????? does she take medication.. ok i want to give youa scenario......what if she is being truthful.......and she feels she has to verify the rape to you...how is anyone else....going to believe her...i am lucky....my mum and family know...gives me peace...........who does she have to trust if the rape is actually now part of her and the person closest to her....is trying to verify not in fact the rape occurred but for him to believe it didnt...........deb... Edited May 13, 2015 by todreaminblue
loveweary11 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) I felt I owed you a full read after the earlier disagreement. I read the entire thing. I'm still going to be a little negative, but now with the details of your data restoration project, I'll take back my earlier posts. I'd have done the same thing. I did do the same thing with my ex and worse to solve some mysteries surrounding her and a new dude. Found him just like you found this. Restored old communications, socially engineered my way into gmail, cell phone records, location information, found the house, found the guy and dropped off a note on her car windshield at his house. But... in hindsight, i was fn crazy!!! It was a complete waste of time and energy. I was so wrapped up in all of it, i thought i might stop by to visit his BMW M5 with a gallon or 2 of aircraft stripper,in a rental car, sans plates. Thankfully, I came out of this truly stupid train of thought. I got rid of all the information and went on with my life, despite also having the opportunity to ruin his small business, his car, his life. I feel it was one of the best decisions I've ever made to just let it all go and start a new life. Sometimes, it's easy to get caught up in all the drama when you're loopy for a chick, but step back. Take a good read of your post with less emotion. As an outsider would read it. My main advice would be to get away from all of this drama, including the drama playing out inside your own head and get a fresh start on everything. This ***** is a mess in every sense of the word. You're not living right. You are being consumed by this (i was too when i was in it, doing my own data mining). If i were in your shoes, and by any measure, i was, just throw it all away. You don't need this stuff in your life. Also, notice how she, and by extension you, are vilifying every male in this story? All the bad is always someone else's fault? That's no accident. That's how she is controlling you, while having sex with them or whatever other drama. It's a terrible mess. Dump the whole thing, focus on improving your own life and landing a different chick, imo. Edited May 13, 2015 by loveweary11 4
Jessie1231 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 You wrote at least a thousand paragraphs there. Anyway, the point is this - it's really convenient she was "raped" once her boyfriend caught her cheating on him. How is this not your biggest issue? Yeah snoop all you want. The fact remains that she cheated on you once in your relationship. And when confronted with that she decides she has been raped. How is the timing of this not a red flag?? 2
BlueIris Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 My question has always been...does she deserve the opportunity to have this data? If so, how should I give it to her? No. She does not want to know and asked you not to do what you did. You're clearly anguished by many of the things you wrote about, so maybe talk with a counselor to work through some of your feelings. You could print your post and take it with you as a starting point. As to the rest, I'd end this relationship. You don't trust her and are taking on a White Knight role, which isn't a good foundation for a respectful egalitarian relationship. 1
ascendotum Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 You wrote at least a thousand paragraphs there. Anyway, the point is this - it's really convenient she was "raped" once her boyfriend caught her cheating on him. How is this not your biggest issue? Yeah snoop all you want. The fact remains that she cheated on you once in your relationship. And when confronted with that she decides she has been raped. How is the timing of this not a red flag?? Waay more background info in that big post then we really needed for the issue. My opinion - Since you are letting her off the hook on cheating on you with the trauma of her rape, I think you should follow it thru. Tell her you know who her rapist is and push it along. I'd also ask to see evidence of her hospital visit. I bet you don't get them. Your life seemed to be much better before she came along. I'm skeptical of her rape story. I feel it is a cover story for her going back to her ex to cheat on you. This ex doctor bf of hers is supposed to be such a sleaze but she stayed on as his gf, then his mistress after she found out he was married, then as a booty call after she is in a relationship with you. Then there is this story about him blackmailing her with a vid of her having sex with him. Really!!! So if she didn't continue having sex with him he was going to send you the video..and then have you take that juicy evidence and email it on to his wife. The time you first started to get suspicious about her and her ex and she swears to you on all these oaths that she only talked to him. As it turns out she's a good actress. How can you ever believe anyone especially a gf/bf after they spend an hour doing a convincing act of swearing on their life, their mothers life, their dogs life, the bible and so on. I find it strange that she goes into a backout driving home that night, but doesn't crash her car (unless a drug like Rohypnol/ghb can erase memories from earlier on). Then she drives home from the rapists place the next morning but doesn't remember were it is..well only vaguely the area. IDK 2
preraph Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I made it through a lot of that but not to the end. I can offer one insight and one suggestion. She is obviously drawn to men who are just like her father. And that's why the extreme reaction to anything that happens with them. Subconsciously, she needs to find someone like her dad and then if she can fix them and make them treat her right, she thinks that will resolve something for her. Of course, it's a disaster. My suggestion: Forget about the details for right now. Both of you need to get into regular long-term psychotherapy and work through your issues. If not, they will always keep you both in self-destructive patterns of picking the wrong people. Please do this for yourselves.
calvincline47 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Please see latest update I have studied a lot about dealing with a girlfriend's rape. But like always, there is a caveat in my particular situation that makes it unique. Quick background: I have been dating a girl for about 12 months. Her and I fit really well together. She is laid back, which is great for me since I work nearly every waking hour. Well, without going into details (I'll save that for another thread) she cheated on me 3 months into the relationship. I found out about 4 months ago. It was with her (married) ex-boyfriend. Sorry for the cliff-hanger but I'll leave it at that for now. Well, turns out, last month I got some context as to why. She was emotionally messed up after she was raped the week before her and I started dating. She spent the first 6 months of our relationship trying to feel better and cope with her own angst. We really didn't become a real couple until October where both of us were fully invested. It doesn't excuse the pain she's put me through. But I understand some of the context. I'm just kind of dealing with the fallout one day at a time. The real issue is this. After she told me about her rape I went into a tailspin after already dealing with the affair I had found out about. I am and have always been a trusting guy...to a fault. If there isn't trust in a relationship you shouldn't be with them, right? My background...I am one of the premier knowledge sources for software security in the world. I know how to get information, even if said data has been deleted. Computer forensics is a gift. Since I know software security I also know the security holes. I don't want to focus on how I cope with her rape...I don't even want to (right now) figure out how to support her. I just want advice on the following: When she was raped, she was heading home from her ex-bf's (the same I mentioned earlier), which is a 45 minute drive. She had ended it that night after finding out he was not only married, but had a kid coming. She blacked out half way through the trip. When she came to, she was in and out of consciousness but was being raped in a place she didn't recognize. She has slight details about where it was and what the guy looked like. When she originally told me, she told me not to look into it, because "I would never find out who or where". Well, as I explained, I am better than a P.I. at finding out stuff. I know who. I know where. She doesn't know these things. She doesn't know that I discovered who and where. So, long journey to a short question...what do I do with this knowledge? I'm aware I probably overstepped some sort of privacy boundary, but I can't help myself. It was a way for me to get closure. Should I tell her I know who and where and let her decide if she wants to take legal action or know more? Should I live with this anxiety forever? It's a year-old scar to her...but I just learned about it. And it sucks she didn't let me do anything about it at the time or comfort her then. And it sucks I was used as a coping mechanism for her to get better when clearly she wasn't over that nor her ex. I will also note the whole blackout thing is shady. She said she dealt with the whole thing herself, though through all my data mining I found no evidence that it was actually a rape nor did I find any attempts of hers to deal with it (no research, no therapy appointments, no Google searches...not even an online post to a community such as this). Given her path of hiding details and infidelity...I'm not even sure how to approach it given the whole thing may actually be factual/lies. I know since September she hasn't lied about anything except for the past. I've validated that. I'll let someone else talk now, or else I'll type for days. Help! Definitely sounds like she's a liar. Also, definitely doesn't sound like she's "laid back". Seriously, man, on behalf of all men, please just drop this girl. Don't take this kind of treatment from women. 1
Author empresario Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Since first reading your opening post i have a problem with believing a woman would make up a rape story......i cant fathom why anyoen would want to be known as a victim....i prefer survivor stuff the victim status.....but then i have problems watching rape scenes on tv or in movies because they seem real to me......or should i say they become real...i get physically cold and i change the channel.........takes me to a dark place......gives me tunnel vision......and i respond in a protection mode ...intense and protective over any woman being questioned abotu rape or disbelieved....i am sorry i do that....but i aint changing or do i not stand by the words i write............. in a way i have tunnel vision reading your posts...i have one way to look at things and that is ...believe her .......i dont know how much enlightenment i can actually give seeing my perspective is colored by what my history has taught me...... i do know i was able to fill in blanks from my child sexual assault from my mother......there was this outfit my molester bought me......it was a white dress with strawberries dress with baby bloomer like matching panties...and that started a whole backlog of alters coming out.....i didnt know them as alters but they were in fact...alters...my mother remembered the dress because she took it away from me....it was too babyish and she thought it was strange the guy was buying me babyish clothes if any clothes at all....i was six....and one of the pair of pants he bought me was a pair of nappy covers with pink lace frilly circles on the back of the pants....i was five..........i remembered places....and i got images and actual physical feelings.....darkness...hiding...cold winds......a horse stable and a toy wind up monkey...for some reason i hid in an empty horse stable..........and books....lots of dr suess books he gave to me......these memories came through in my twenties after being raped again in my teens.......more than a decade after....... the reason why i share this is.....sometimes women and even men who are raped...i know a few.....never get complete memory recall....and the reason is....protection....mind protection.....especially if the rape has been prolonged over a period of time.....its a form of self protection and control......is there any way.....and i know this is going to be polarizing...that you find it easier to believe she made it up..that fits your wishes .....you dont want to believe her........ is it possible she was drugged????? does she take medication.. ok i want to give youa scenario......what if she is being truthful.......and she feels she has to verify the rape to you...how is anyone else....going to believe her...i am lucky....my mum and family know...gives me peace...........who does she have to trust if the rape is actually now part of her and the person closest to her....is trying to verify not in fact the rape occurred but for him to believe it didnt...........deb... Thanks for responding. It means a lot getting your perspective. And yes, I don't know how she functioned so well under the stress she experienced. That's part of the reason it's so hard to believe. But as you said...everyone copes differently. I do know she has a few quirks. She doesn't like any pressure on her when she's on her back. I can't even rest my head on her chest. She freaks out. I didn't put 2 and 2 together at the time, but it could be related? Or that she is deathly afraid of the dark. And can't even sleep if a closet door is open. I don't know, I suppose there are signs. But they could also just be quirks. Also, to be fair, she's not aware I have doubts because we don't talk about it. I think the situation is just FUBAR either way. I am more leaning towards the philosophy that I will probably never be able to trust her in a relationship. Still, I can try to console her even if it's not meant to be.
Author empresario Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I felt I owed you a full read after the earlier disagreement. I read the entire thing. I'm still going to be a little negative, but now with the details of your data restoration project, I'll take back my earlier posts. I'd have done the same thing. I did do the same thing with my ex and worse to solve some mysteries surrounding her and a new dude. Found him just like you found this. Restored old communications, socially engineered my way into gmail, cell phone records, location information, found the house, found the guy and dropped off a note on her car windshield at his house. But... in hindsight, i was fn crazy!!! It was a complete waste of time and energy. I was so wrapped up in all of it, i thought i might stop by to visit his BMW M5 with a gallon or 2 of aircraft stripper,in a rental car, sans plates. Thankfully, I came out of this truly stupid train of thought. I got rid of all the information and went on with my life, despite also having the opportunity to ruin his small business, his car, his life. I feel it was one of the best decisions I've ever made to just let it all go and start a new life. Sometimes, it's easy to get caught up in all the drama when you're loopy for a chick, but step back. Take a good read of your post with less emotion. As an outsider would read it. My main advice would be to get away from all of this drama, including the drama playing out inside your own head and get a fresh start on everything. This ***** is a mess in every sense of the word. You're not living right. You are being consumed by this (i was too when i was in it, doing my own data mining). If i were in your shoes, and by any measure, i was, just throw it all away. You don't need this stuff in your life. Also, notice how she, and by extension you, are vilifying every male in this story? All the bad is always someone else's fault? That's no accident. That's how she is controlling you, while having sex with them or whatever other drama. It's a terrible mess. Dump the whole thing, focus on improving your own life and landing a different chick, imo. Thanks man. Sorry things got a little heated earlier. I just felt attacked and was ready to come at people. Especially since I've never told anyone this story before. I appreciate you trying to understand where I'm coming from. Also, thank you for your own story. Sorry you had to go through that. It is torture not knowing...but more painful knowing part of the full story. I tried to approach the married ex in a pragmatic way. For the most part I think I succeeded. However, you're right about the rapist. I could mess his stuff up. He is engaged and has a kid. But that's where I draw the line. Though he has done some horrible things...I can't give myself the moral precedence to intervene. Just like I couldn't Will, until he directly affected my relationship while I was in it. It's one of those things where I have to trust karma...even though I don't particularly believe in it. And also, your final thought does keep me up at night. If every guy in her life has been a villain...what stops her from someday dating someone else and telling the horror story of our relationship? What stops that guy from coming after me if he feels like I was this awful person...even unjustly? I don't have the details. I never will. That's for a reason. If I can figure out who it was and where it was...then she had that opportunity as well. She just didn't care enough. I need to have a lot more conversations with qualified people. Just getting advice here has helped a lot. At least I know I'm not crazy. Well, somewhat crazy. But not irrational. OK, somewhat that, too. But at least normal.
Author empresario Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 Waay more background info in that big post then we really needed for the issue. My opinion - Since you are letting her off the hook on cheating on you with the trauma of her rape, I think you should follow it thru. Tell her you know who her rapist is and push it along. I'd also ask to see evidence of her hospital visit. I bet you don't get them. Your life seemed to be much better before she came along. I'm skeptical of her rape story. I feel it is a cover story for her going back to her ex to cheat on you. This ex doctor bf of hers is supposed to be such a sleaze but she stayed on as his gf, then his mistress after she found out he was married, then as a booty call after she is in a relationship with you. Then there is this story about him blackmailing her with a vid of her having sex with him. Really!!! So if she didn't continue having sex with him he was going to send you the video..and then have you take that juicy evidence and email it on to his wife. The time you first started to get suspicious about her and her ex and she swears to you on all these oaths that she only talked to him. As it turns out she's a good actress. How can you ever believe anyone especially a gf/bf after they spend an hour doing a convincing act of swearing on their life, their mothers life, their dogs life, the bible and so on. I find it strange that she goes into a backout driving home that night, but doesn't crash her car (unless a drug like Rohypnol/ghb can erase memories from earlier on). Then she drives home from the rapists place the next morning but doesn't remember were it is..well only vaguely the area. IDK People asked for more context. Now there is too much. Make up your damn minds! j/k I knew it would be a lot. And yes, her ability to pathologically lie and not really show a lot of remorse for it (at least visibly) does irk me. I don't think she's a sociopath...but perhaps?
Author empresario Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 I made it through a lot of that but not to the end. I can offer one insight and one suggestion. She is obviously drawn to men who are just like her father. And that's why the extreme reaction to anything that happens with them. Subconsciously, she needs to find someone like her dad and then if she can fix them and make them treat her right, she thinks that will resolve something for her. Of course, it's a disaster. My suggestion: Forget about the details for right now. Both of you need to get into regular long-term psychotherapy and work through your issues. If not, they will always keep you both in self-destructive patterns of picking the wrong people. Please do this for yourselves. Yup, I have done a lot of reading on the psychology of picking broken people. I agree. That's why I blew up my only normal, long-term relationship. There was nothing wrong with it. In my messed up brain, that meant it had to end. Human brain function is a very confusing, depressing device.
Recommended Posts