Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 So who roofied her? If she had just left her ex's, then it just about had to be him or someone visiting him. Anyway, doesn't matter. If you genuinely feel you have information about a real rapist, go to the police with it and let them approach her after checking it out if they want to. Keep someone else from getting raped by giving them this info, whether she wants you to or not. But you don't have to tell her. She may or may not ever find out. If she is mad, tell her it's about him not doing it to someone else. Would the police even care since I'm not directly involved? I don't want to expose things without there being a real possibility of some good happening...
Gaeta Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Why would someone choose not to do anything? What are the possible reasons? You cannot accuse someone of rape only because their GPS puts them in the same area at the time. Your girlfriend cannot ID him, she didn't report it, never mentioned it to a soul, never researched it...she acted as if it never happened. So you tell her it's Joe Blow. What next? 2
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 You cannot accuse someone of rape only because their GPS puts them in the same area at the time. Your girlfriend cannot ID him, she didn't report it, never mentioned it to a soul, never researched it...she acted as if it never happened. So you tell her it's Joe Blow. What next? Well, there is no statute of limitations on rape. To be perfectly blunt the fact that he has a fiancé and kid goes a long ways. I am a charismatic guy by nature. I have a hard time empathizing/sympathizing for people but not a hard time relating to people. I know if I sat down with him I could get him to admit it. With a recorder in my pocket. I just know how to work people. And that's without putting my data gathering to use. Evidence and information are not the issue. I just think if she wanted to do it she would have. She knows what I can do. She's seen it.
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 The thing that bothers me, is why would she have searched her rapist's address if she had no idea where or who.. Old bf, acquaintance, co-worker, old friend, friend of a friend, hook up, drug dealer, client even?
Redhead14 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Your first and foremost concern should be for your girlfriend's mental and emotional health. After a rape, control becomes a signficant issue for the victim. She feels she had no control over that situation and wants and needs to have control over the situation going forward. If you go to the police with the information behind her back, and they contact her (and they will for verification), you will have taken control away from her and may trigger some serious and overwhelming responses. Going to the police has to be on her terms. Again, you should visit a therapist to get professional advice on how to approach it. There will be factors that the therapist has to consider before advising you. He or she may want to know if your girlfriend is experiencing symptoms of post traumatic stress, for instance. They will need to make at a least a cursory evaluation of her mental status now to determine he ability to effectively handle the situation without causing more damage. If she isn't already experiencing post traumatic stress responses, this may trigger a delayed onset of PTSD. She may have been more or less "frozen" emotionally up to this point, but the stress of addressing it may be too much for her to maintain that coping mechanism. You might want to just open a casual conversation with your GF and ask her if she is willing to talk with you about the rape now that some time has passed and that you want to support her and help her process any emotions she may experience. And, simply make a statement at some point to say something like "Geez, I'd like to see that guy get behind bars, wouldn't you". Just test the waters with her response to that. If she engages the conversation, try to steer her to the path of seeking counseling. If she becomes upset, back off for a bit. Don't push it.
preraph Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Would the police even care since I'm not directly involved? I don't want to expose things without there being a real possibility of some good happening... What I think the police would do is look up the guy's record and see if he has one. They'd want to know why you think he's a suspect. If they guy had no record, and she didn't file a rape charge, not even sure they'd do anything, including even talking to her. But what if this name you uncovered rings bells as a suspect for other rapes? The police could just look at the information and decide whether it was of any use to them. You can't discount that she might have made this up for some reason as well, but in rape and violence, you need to err on the side of caution and let the police know. Let them handle it. Keep your mouth shut and just let them see if they think there's anything to it.
loveweary11 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 IDK. You made it sound like you had positive proof of something. Some geo location data saying sayin 2 people were somewhere in the same vicinity doesn't really cut it unless you are talking about farm country. What real evidence do you have from actual communications? Seems you need to find something better to do with your time. Read a little eastern philosophy and put all this negative energy you are expending into something positive. Are you really proud of ruining her ex's life? Congrats on that. In what way does ruining his life help you or your situation? Basically, you just ****ed over some kids who want to see their dad. Nice. Take a step back from the drama. You got cheated on. Her being raped before you met isn't exactly a reason for her to betray your trust. Time to examine YOURSELF and what you want out of your relationship. 6
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 IDK. You made it sound like you had positive proof of something. Some geo location data saying sayin 2 people were somewhere in the same vicinity doesn't really cut it unless you are talking about farm country. What real evidence do you have from actual communications? Seems you need to find something better to do with your time. Read a little eastern philosophy and put all this negative energy you are expending into something positive. Are you really proud of ruining her ex's life? Congrats on that. In what way does ruining his life help you or your situation? Basically, you just ****ed over some kids who want to see their dad. Nice. Take a step back from the drama. You got cheated on. Her being raped before you met isn't exactly a reason for her to betray your trust. Time to examine YOURSELF and what you want out of your relationship. I appreciate the tough love but I disagree with a lot of what you said. Fundamentally, I am against fathers that are philandering and addicted to sex and alcohol. My GF wasn't his only affair. No dad is better than a bad one. Plus his wife deserved to know. She admitted to the rape. I know it's the right place. As long as she was honest with me about the details. I don't think "the secret" will help on this one. As much as I'd like to think it will.
lionheart153 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 (edited) This whole situation sounds messed up as it is. first you invaded her privacy, second you "ruined" someone's life, and a innocent child's ability to have a father. Third, you seem hell bent on bringing out all the negative. If the rape happened before you were dating, you should just leave it because you are speculating if that was a lie and infact she just had intercourse with someone other than you and the EX-bf, however if you have proof, you should be reporting it to the police, what you are doing is illegal technically by withholding the information. Whether or not the ex-bf was an ass, or you girlfriend cheated on you, doesn't give you the right to ruin his life, by taking away his child, at this point you are also hurting the child who has done nothing to you. How you sleep with that on your mind with ease is a troublesome. You say no dad is better than a bad dad, but that is not your decision to make. One again you are violating ones rights. You telling the wife, sure, but without know what else you did, still feels like you stepped over the line. and finally all that you are saying is just ways of giving her an excuse. If you don't trust her, have the balls to just tell her and move on. If you say you can so easily drop her then do it. You violated rights, potentially withheld information that may be illegal, and you ruined a child's life by taking their father away just make your self feel better to be with this girlfriend. So it seems clear you aren't looking for advice but rather reason to do what you do to justify her actions. Edited May 11, 2015 by lionheart153 3
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 This whole situation sounds messed up as it is. first you invaded her privacy, second you "ruined" someone's life, and a innocent child's ability to have a father. Third, you seem hell bent on bringing out all the negative. If the rape happened before you were dating, you should just leave it because you are speculating if that was a lie and infact she just had intercourse with someone other than you and the EX-bf, however if you have proof, you should be reporting it to the police, what you are doing is illegal technically by withholding the information. Whether or not the ex-bf was an ass, or you girlfriend cheated on you, doesn't give you the right to ruin his life, by taking away his child, at this point you are also hurting the child who has done nothing to you. How you sleep with that on your mind with ease is a troublesome. and finally all that you are saying is just ways of giving her an excuse. If you don't trust her, have the balls to just tell her and move on. If you say you can so easily drop her then do it. You violated rights, potentially withheld information that may be illegal, and you ruined a child's life by taking their father away just make your self feel better to be with this girlfriend. So it seems clear you aren't looking for advice but rather reason to do what you do to justify her actions. Actually justification was never my intent. Please read the bold post above. I don't feel an ounce of remorse for bringing truth to a mother and wife that was getting dicked around. Perhaps now, before he has memories, he can have a chance at a normal life. Kids always turn out super great with alcoholic, sexually addicted fathers. Oh, also, the wife was abused and raped in the marriage as well. We are friends now and she told me that. So, those thinking that I am looking for reassurance or that I should feel guilt...don't waste your time there. I have comforted his estranged wife. I have been thanked personally for the relief I gave to her and her family. I don't need any other validation. Plus now he can't do it to others.
lionheart153 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Actually justification was never my intent. Please read the bold post above. I don't feel an ounce of remorse for bringing truth to a mother and wife that was getting dicked around. Perhaps now, before he has memories, he can have a chance at a normal life. Kids always turn out super great with alcoholic, sexually addicted fathers. Oh, also, the wife was abused and raped in the marriage as well. We are friends now and she told me that. So, those thinking that I am looking for reassurance or that I should feel guilt...don't waste your time there. I have comforted his estranged wife. I have been thanked personally for the relief I gave to her and her family. I don't need any other validation. Plus now he can't do it to others. You did not verify the situation and so that is what I thought, Ignoring all that: At this point if you do not trust her you either will have to live with it or you need to move on. Trust can never be the way it was after it has been broken, it will always show the cracks. telling her you know the rapist will break the trust she has in you, but you seem hell bent on making this work. so if you think it's worth it then you should be honest because you having trust issues with her, but aren't you violating her trust right now with this information?
BlueIris Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 So, OP, have you told her that you researched it? I believe that that is the ONLY problem that you are facing now- telling her that you did something she asked you not to do. 1
loveweary11 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I appreciate the tough love but I disagree with a lot of what you said. Fundamentally, I am against fathers that are philandering and addicted to sex and alcohol. My GF wasn't his only affair. No dad is better than a bad one. Plus his wife deserved to know. She admitted to the rape. I know it's the right place. As long as she was honest with me about the details. I don't think "the secret" will help on this one. As much as I'd like to think it will. Somebody you are not in a relationship has affairs, drinks, so you use your energy to destroy this person? What's next? Start tracking down people who have affairs in that section of this forum and who possibly drink to out them, ruin their careers and take their children away? By your logic, it's open season on them, too. My friend, your entire approach to life needs some reflecting upon.... You gained NOTHING by doing what you did. 2
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 So, OP, have you told her that you researched it? I believe that that is the ONLY problem that you are facing now- telling her that you did something she asked you not to do. No. I have not told her. To be clear, because I may have ambiguously stated it before...she does not know herself who raped her or where it happened. At least that's what she told me. So really, I want to know if I should even give her the opportunity to face her rapist...or if some things are better left buried.
Phoe Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I have no opinion on whether her rape is the truth or not. I don't take people crying "rape!" lightly, but I also don't take instant dismisals of rape accusations lightly either. I was raped at 19. Not every rape victim behaves in the same way following the incident. You not finding any reports, therapy sessions, or searches on her part, means nothing. I did not report my incident. I did not seek therapy. I have my reasons and I still stick by those reasons. It's never so black and white. I don't think you have enough evidence to make any conclusions about what happened with her. I don't think you should go to her with this information.
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Somebody you are not in a relationship has affairs, drinks, so you use your energy to destroy this person? What's next? Start tracking down people who have affairs in that section of this forum and who possibly drink to out them, ruin their careers and take their children away? By your logic, it's open season on them, too. My friend, your entire approach to life needs some reflecting upon.... You gained NOTHING by doing what you did. I didn't have to gain anything. There were more people that are positively affected than negatively. And the situation does affect me. The lies still do. I didn't say I was going to ruin the rapist's life. I never once did. I ruined a guy's life that assaulted my girlfriend while I was in a relationship with her and saved his ex-family from a lifetime of misery. I see no downside to that. As far as the rapist goes...the ONLY question was if I should let my GF know who it was and let her make that decision. And if so, how should I do it?
loveweary11 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Couldn't get the edit in fast enough, but my bet is YOU have violated the law here and just admitted it on a public forum which, like location data, won't be going away. I have similar abilities and not a fan of seeing what you have used yours for.
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 You did not verify the situation and so that is what I thought, Ignoring all that: At this point if you do not trust her you either will have to live with it or you need to move on. Trust can never be the way it was after it has been broken, it will always show the cracks. telling her you know the rapist will break the trust she has in you, but you seem hell bent on making this work. so if you think it's worth it then you should be honest because you having trust issues with her, but aren't you violating her trust right now with this information? Yes thank you for going back and re-reading. Yeah, that is the odd part of the situation. Either there was no rape, and she will be mad I researched it...or there was a rape, and she truly thought she would never find out who...in which case she may want to know. Maybe it's better to let dead things die.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Oh, also, the wife was abused and raped in the marriage as well. We are friends now and she told me that. So, those thinking that I am looking for reassurance or that I should feel guilt...don't waste your time there. I have comforted his estranged wife. I have been thanked personally for the relief I gave to her and her family. I don't need any other validation. Plus now he can't do it to others. Really you are now friends with the wife of the man you don't believe raped your GF? Do you get that you are violating her over & over again? Seriously, break up with her. You don't believe she was raped. You took it upon yourself to do something she expressly asked you not to do. Rape victims often blame themselves, not because they actually did anything wrong but because wires get crossed in the attack. Many can't cope with the aftermath but you took it upon yourself to force the issue. In essence you decided to rub salt in her wound because it made you feel better. With a BF like you, this poor woman does not need enemies. 4
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Couldn't get the edit in fast enough, but my bet is YOU have violated the law here and just admitted it on a public forum which, like location data, won't be going away. I have similar abilities and not a fan of seeing what you have used yours for. Bring it on. If that's the battle you want to fight. I don't take threats idly. If your wife was cheating on you and someone let you know...I'm sure you would be thankful. Not threaten to ruin that person's life.
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Really you are now friends with the wife of the man you don't believe raped your GF? Do you get that you are violating her over & over again? Seriously, break up with her. You don't believe she was raped. You took it upon yourself to do something she expressly asked you not to do. Rape victims often blame themselves, not because they actually did anything wrong but because wires get crossed in the attack. Many can't cope with the aftermath but you took it upon yourself to force the issue. In essence you decided to rub salt in her wound because it made you feel better. With a BF like you, this poor woman does not need enemies. The stories are mixed up. ex-BF = married guy that she had an affair with towards the beginning of our relationship rapist = guy in question...she doesn't know who it is but I do. Unrelated to the first person.
darkmoon Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 no, if you like her just leave it, what seems like a chance for success or revenge for you is her bad memory invoked i have been raped a couple of times, it is not something you want to reminded of, though i am sure your intentions are good
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Unless you have DNA you don't know who raped your GF. You need to tell her you violated her express wishes & dug into her rape after she told you not to. I'd be livid but since she previously gave you all her passwords etc. maybe she will see you as her Knight in Shinning Armor. Only one way to know. . . Are you man enough to admit what you did? 4
loveweary11 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Bring it on. If that's the battle you want to fight. I don't take threats idly. If your wife was cheating on you and someone let you know...I'm sure you would be thankful. Not threaten to ruin that person's life. "Bring it on????" What threat did I make? Want to quote it? Get a fn life.. Obviously you have none whatsoever playing these games with everyone. You committed unlawful actions collecting data and admitted it on a public forum. That would probably be my first concern if I were you.
Author empresario Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Unless you have DNA you don't know who raped your GF. You need to tell her you violated her express wishes & dug into her rape after she told you not to. I'd be livid but since she previously gave you all her passwords etc. maybe she will see you as her Knight in Shinning Armor. Only one way to know. . . Are you man enough to admit what you did? Admission is not the issue. I have no problem telling her. I will say this bluntly so perhaps you understand. BELIEVE IT OR NOT I AM WORRIED ABOUT HER WELLBEING. I am fine dropping it forever. My whole point of this thread was asking if I should tell her and how. If the answer is no, then that's fine. I'm not going to tell her something based on some holy, defiant tirade aimed towards fixing her. If it won't help her to know, then I won't tell her. The reason I looked into it originally was to be ready in case she ever wanted to know. Never being raped myself, I don't know the odds of that being a reality. So, we are over-complicating the question. Take out your bias for a second and think about what she would benefit from hearing. That's what I need to know. Then you can go back to thinking I'm a dick.
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