Do I tell GF I know her rapist? [Update]

[empresario]

Please see latest update

 

 

I have studied a lot about dealing with a girlfriend's rape. But like always, there is a caveat in my particular situation that makes it unique.

 

Quick background:

 

I have been dating a girl for about 12 months. Her and I fit really well together. She is laid back, which is great for me since I work nearly every waking hour.

 

Well, without going into details (I'll save that for another thread) she cheated on me 3 months into the relationship. I found out about 4 months ago. It was with her (married) ex-boyfriend. Sorry for the cliff-hanger but I'll leave it at that for now.

 

Well, turns out, last month I got some context as to why. She was emotionally messed up after she was raped the week before her and I started dating. She spent the first 6 months of our relationship trying to feel better and cope with her own angst. We really didn't become a real couple until October where both of us were fully invested.

 

It doesn't excuse the pain she's put me through. But I understand some of the context. I'm just kind of dealing with the fallout one day at a time.

 

The real issue is this. After she told me about her rape I went into a tailspin after already dealing with the affair I had found out about. I am and have always been a trusting guy...to a fault. If there isn't trust in a relationship you shouldn't be with them, right?

 

My background...I am one of the premier knowledge sources for software security in the world. I know how to get information, even if said data has been deleted. Computer forensics is a gift. Since I know software security I also know the security holes.

 

I don't want to focus on how I cope with her rape...I don't even want to (right now) figure out how to support her. I just want advice on the following:

 

When she was raped, she was heading home from her ex-bf's (the same I mentioned earlier), which is a 45 minute drive. She had ended it that night after finding out he was not only married, but had a kid coming. She blacked out half way through the trip. When she came to, she was in and out of consciousness but was being raped in a place she didn't recognize.

 

She has slight details about where it was and what the guy looked like. When she originally told me, she told me not to look into it, because "I would never find out who or where". Well, as I explained, I am better than a P.I. at finding out stuff. I know who. I know where. She doesn't know these things. She doesn't know that I discovered who and where.

 

So, long journey to a short question...what do I do with this knowledge? I'm aware I probably overstepped some sort of privacy boundary, but I can't help myself. It was a way for me to get closure. Should I tell her I know who and where and let her decide if she wants to take legal action or know more? Should I live with this anxiety forever? It's a year-old scar to her...but I just learned about it. And it sucks she didn't let me do anything about it at the time or comfort her then. And it sucks I was used as a coping mechanism for her to get better when clearly she wasn't over that nor her ex.

 

I will also note the whole blackout thing is shady. She said she dealt with the whole thing herself, though through all my data mining I found no evidence that it was actually a rape nor did I find any attempts of hers to deal with it (no research, no therapy appointments, no Google searches...not even an online post to a community such as this). Given her path of hiding details and infidelity...I'm not even sure how to approach it given the whole thing may actually be factual/lies. I know since September she hasn't lied about anything except for the past. I've validated that.

 

I'll let someone else talk now, or else I'll type for days. Help!

Edited May 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[El Pallasso]

She's lying to you and she knows you're an easy mug to believe her.

 

There are other women out there. Stop wasting your time with low quality trash.

[d0nnivain]

After this woman was raped you violated her privacy & now you are hiding that fact from her.

 

You admit you don't think she was raped that she some how consented to the sex.

 

You clearly don't trust this woman. I wonder if you even like her.

 

Just keep your snooping to yourself & break up with her. If you are not man enough to do that tell her your vile suspicions & let her dump you.

 

Not everybody copes with a rape the way you seem to demand that she cope.

[Diezel]

Too much drama, I'd be out of this situation like immediately.

[empresario]

She's lying to you and she knows you're an easy mug to believe her.

 

There are other women out there. Stop wasting your time with low quality trash.

 

I appreciate the sentiment. I am a wildly confident guy. I have no problems dumping her if it came to it. If everything is on the up-and-up then I am willing to stay in it to see what happens (knowing I can end it any time). If not, I am more than happy to act on that as well.

 

 

Remember the married ex-BF? Yeah, he's divorced now. I also ruined his career in the medical field. And he can't ever see his son. Point is, I know how to dig up any information and act on it. I'm well connected, and I have resources.

 

 

That's why I don't want to focus on me. I'll be fine. More so, if it is a rape, I want to know if I should tell her and how I should go about it. I'm trying to be sensitive about her situation and experience...which is odd for me. Empathy is not my strong characteristic.

[empresario]

After this woman was raped you violated her privacy & now you are hiding that fact from her.

 

You admit you don't think she was raped that she some how consented to the sex.

 

You clearly don't trust this woman. I wonder if you even like her.

 

Just keep your snooping to yourself & break up with her. If you are not man enough to do that tell her your vile suspicions & let her dump you.

 

Not everybody copes with a rape the way you seem to demand that she cope.

 

 

Thanks. I actually appreciate the tough love. It suits my personality. Yes, I snooped. Some context is she did open up her accounts to me after the affair. I was given access...she just didn't know what I would find.

 

 

If it was consensual, that's fine. It was before we dated. That would actually be a relief. My problem is I already have a hard time with empathy as a person. I'm trying, but I can't just let her use this situation as a crutch to her other iniquities if it's a lie. I want to help. But the only way I know how to help is by taking action.

 

 

I don't know if that makes sense.

[empresario]

Update: I am fine with opinions about the generality of my relationship. However, I am most interested in the following question: Should I tell my girlfriend who her rapist is and how? She doesn't know who did it or the address it happened. I do.

[Jessie1231]

How did she just randomly black out and then wake up being raped by a stranger? If you were able to find out who this person was, I'm assuming you were able to find out how she blacked out for no reason and then ended up with some guy.

[empresario]

How did she just randomly black out and then wake up being raped by a stranger? If you were able to find out who this person was, I'm assuming you were able to find out how she blacked out for no reason and then ended up with some guy.

 

Well, that's the place I draw the line. Obviously the only person I could get that data from is the guy that did it. Without her even knowing who did it (or at least on paper she doesn't) I can't, in good conscious, contact him.

 

 

But strangely no, there is no digital footprint of the blackout or the rape. She never researched it nor spoke to anyone about it. I only found out who and where via fragmented memories she gave me and by stored GPS data. Pro tip to the kiddos out there: your GPS on your phone logs everything you've done and everywhere you've been. You have been warned.

[amaysngrace]

Go to the police and tell them that a crime was committed and let them take it from there.

[RoseVille]

Go to the police and tell them that a crime was committed and let them take it from there.

 

If you think she was raped, this.

 

If you think she's lying, breakup with her.

[elaine567]

I could be wrong here but I am assuming you tracked phones and mapped her movements and found out where another phone's map coincided with hers. +/- CCTV footage maybe?

I am also assuming this was some person known to her, because if it was a compete stranger then I guess you would now be talking to the police.

 

My guess is she was messed in the head re the ex-bf and it took her 6 months/a year to get over it. He may have drugged her and even raped her in that incident, but as she was the victim of intimate partner rape, she maybe didn't see it in that way, many such victims don't. Cheating on you with him, may have been an attempt to even get him back.

 

It may be only now she can even acknowledge the rape really happened.

 

I may be well off the mark though.

[Gaeta]

I will also note the whole blackout thing is shady. She said she dealt with the whole thing herself, though through all my data mining I found no evidence that it was actually a rape nor did I find any attempts of hers to deal with it (no research, no therapy appointments, no Google searches...not even an online post to a community such as this). Given her path of hiding details and infidelity...I'm not even sure how to approach it given the whole thing may actually be factual/lies. I know since September she hasn't lied about anything except for the past. I've validated that.

 

I'll let someone else talk now, or else I'll type for days. Help!

 

I don't believe her story.

 

And lets say it's true, what is she going to do with the info anyway, not much by her own choice.

[BlueIris]

Tell her that you did research it (despite her asking you not to) and ask her if she wants to know what you data you found.

 

It is not a crime for you to report. You are neither the victim nor a witness. All you can say is that so-and-so told you there was a rape and you have dug up GPS data related to what so-and-so said.

 

Does she already know about your role in regard to the married ex--BF, your ruining his career in the medical field and inability to see his son? By which I mean, does she know you do stuff like this?

[Redhead14]

I have studied a lot about dealing with a girlfriend's rape. But like always, there is a caveat in my particular situation that makes it unique.

 

Quick background:

 

I have been dating a girl for about 12 months. Her and I fit really well together. She is laid back, which is great for me since I work nearly every waking hour.

 

Well, without going into details (I'll save that for another thread) she cheated on me 3 months into the relationship. I found out about 4 months ago. It was with her (married) ex-boyfriend. Sorry for the cliff-hanger but I'll leave it at that for now.

 

Well, turns out, last month I got some context as to why. She was emotionally messed up after she was raped the week before her and I started dating. She spent the first 6 months of our relationship trying to feel better and cope with her own angst. We really didn't become a real couple until October where both of us were fully invested.

 

It doesn't excuse the pain she's put me through. But I understand some of the context. I'm just kind of dealing with the fallout one day at a time.

 

The real issue is this. After she told me about her rape I went into a tailspin after already dealing with the affair I had found out about. I am and have always been a trusting guy...to a fault. If there isn't trust in a relationship you shouldn't be with them, right?

 

My background...I am one of the premier knowledge sources for software security in the world. I know how to get information, even if said data has been deleted. Computer forensics is a gift. Since I know software security I also know the security holes.

 

I don't want to focus on how I cope with her rape...I don't even want to (right now) figure out how to support her. I just want advice on the following:

 

When she was raped, she was heading home from her ex-bf's (the same I mentioned earlier), which is a 45 minute drive. She had ended it that night after finding out he was not only married, but had a kid coming. She blacked out half way through the trip. When she came to, she was in and out of consciousness but was being raped in a place she didn't recognize.

 

She has slight details about where it was and what the guy looked like. When she originally told me, she told me not to look into it, because "I would never find out who or where". Well, as I explained, I am better than a P.I. at finding out stuff. I know who. I know where. She doesn't know these things. She doesn't know that I discovered who and where.

 

So, long journey to a short question...what do I do with this knowledge? I'm aware I probably overstepped some sort of privacy boundary, but I can't help myself. It was a way for me to get closure. Should I tell her I know who and where and let her decide if she wants to take legal action or know more? Should I live with this anxiety forever? It's a year-old scar to her...but I just learned about it. And it sucks she didn't let me do anything about it at the time or comfort her then. And it sucks I was used as a coping mechanism for her to get better when clearly she wasn't over that nor her ex.

 

I will also note the whole blackout thing is shady. She said she dealt with the whole thing herself, though through all my data mining I found no evidence that it was actually a rape nor did I find any attempts of hers to deal with it (no research, no therapy appointments, no Google searches...not even an online post to a community such as this). Given her path of hiding details and infidelity...I'm not even sure how to approach it given the whole thing may actually be factual/lies. I know since September she hasn't lied about anything except for the past. I've validated that.

 

I'll let someone else talk now, or else I'll type for days. Help!

 

This is an extremely delicate situation. First of all, since you aren't sure that she wasn't raped, you need to treat it as though it is a fact. That being said, revealing the information you have would have to be handled very carefully and in the company of a therapist or social worker.

 

It appears that she did not report it to the police either. It is a difficult thing to do, but she should have done that immediately because now having information about who did this without a supporting police report, will be very difficult to prove and may likely not give the closure needed and causing more trauma knowing that justice can't or won't be served. This would re-traumatize her. It can be done, but it is a long-arduous process and unless she is in counseling, it will take a heavy toll on her.

 

I would encourage her to seek counseling though. This will continue to cause strain on your already strained relationship. If nothing else, it will help you. You can explain to her that this situation is causing you angst and that her seeking counseling will help strengthen the relationship.

 

All that being said, I'm kinda mystified that you found evidence as to who, what, where and when of a 'random' rape scenario and without her having given you any information whatsoever. This leads me to think that this may have been someone she knows/knew and may have made some mention through social media or something? If she knew them, she may be protecting them or herself because since she knew them, some people wouldn't believe it was a rape. Or, as you hinted above, it wasn't really a rape.

Edited May 11, 2015 by Redhead14

[empresario]

I could be wrong here but I am assuming you tracked phones and mapped her movements and found out where another phone's map coincided with hers. +/- CCTV footage maybe?

I am also assuming this was some person known to her, because if it was a compete stranger then I guess you would now be talking to the police.

 

My guess is she was messed in the head re the ex-bf and it took her 6 months/a year to get over it. He may have drugged her and even raped her in that incident, but as she was the victim of intimate partner rape, she maybe didn't see it in that way, many such victims don't. Cheating on you with him, may have been an attempt to even get him back.

 

It may be only now she can even acknowledge the rape really happened.

 

I may be well off the mark though.

 

Well, the isolated rape was not her ex-BF. She cheated with the ex to feel better about herself. And actually, when I saw cheated...she was assaulted both times it happened. It was her fault in a sense that she kept putting herself in the situation to be around him. When she did, he would blackmail or force her into sexual situations. After the second time she stopped putting herself in that situation. She had a ****ed up year. I just inherited the problems.

 

 

I know about the whole ex situation. I have a lot of data on that. Still not sure what I'm going to do with the information I have.

[empresario]

I don't believe her story.

 

And lets say it's true, what is she going to do with the info anyway, not much by her own choice.

 

Why would someone choose not to do anything? What are the possible reasons?

[empresario]

Tell her that you did research it (despite her asking you not to) and ask her if she wants to know what you data you found.

 

It is not a crime for you to report. You are neither the victim nor a witness. All you can say is that so-and-so told you there was a rape and you have dug up GPS data related to what so-and-so said.

 

Does she already know about your role in regard to the married ex--BF, your ruining his career in the medical field and inability to see his son? By which I mean, does she know you do stuff like this?

 

Yes, she knows the situation with her ex. When I found out about the affair I took action and did everything. I knew he was married and who he was before that...but I didn't feel like I had the moral precedence to do anything about it until he affected my life.

 

 

And guess what? Her rapist is engaged...and had a pregnant fiancé at the time as well. Seems to be a pattern.

[BlueIris]

So tell her you researched and ask her if she wants to know what you found out.

 

Edited to add: You seem more concerned about your research results than about your GF. If that’s the case, perhaps you want the relationship to end.

[Redhead14]

Well, the isolated rape was not her ex-BF. She cheated with the ex to feel better about herself. And actually, when I saw cheated...she was assaulted both times it happened. It was her fault in a sense that she kept putting herself in the situation to be around him. When she did, he would blackmail or force her into sexual situations. After the second time she stopped putting herself in that situation. She had a ****ed up year. I just inherited the problems.

 

 

I know about the whole ex situation. I have a lot of data on that. Still not sure what I'm going to do with the information I have.

 

This is a very sticky situation. This needs to be addressed by a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual abuse/assault. You might want to consider consulting with a therapist yourself and get advice on how to approach this with her and suggest that she come meet the therapist.

[empresario]

This is an extremely delicate situation. First of all, since you aren't sure that she wasn't raped, you need to treat it as though it is a fact. That being said, revealing the information you have would have to be handled very carefully and in the company of a therapist or social worker.

 

It appears that she did not report it to the police either. It is a difficult thing to do, but she should have done that immediately because now having information about who did this without a supporting police report, will be very difficult to prove and may likely not give the closure needed and causing more trauma knowing that justice can't or won't be served. This would re-traumatize her. It can be done, but it is a long-arduous process and unless she is in counseling, it will take a heavy toll on her.

 

I would encourage her to seek counseling though. This will continue to cause strain on your already strained relationship. If nothing else, it will help you. You can explain to her that this situation is causing you angst and that her seeking counseling will help strengthen the relationship.

 

All that being said, I'm kinda mystified that you found evidence as to who, what, where and when of a 'random' rape scenario and without her having given you any information whatsoever. This leads me to think that this may have been someone she knows/knew and may have made some mention through social media or something? If she knew them, she may be protecting them or herself because since she knew them, some people wouldn't believe it was a rape. Or, as you hinted above, it wasn't really a rape.

 

Yeah, I could try to direct her to a therapist. I know she hates them, though. She doesn't think they help her personality type.

 

 

And yes, I am surprised as well. What I did was use GPS location data around the time it happened to track steps. The data was conveniently incomplete for that time period. I had to back-door another account to get searches she made during the time interval.

 

 

One search was an address that fit the profile of the area she described. I was able to confirm it was the address based on fragmented memories. There were a few very specific things. From there it was a quick spokeo report for the rest. Only one guy that ever lived there fit the profile of information she gave me about him. I had enough to verify he's the guy. I wouldn't say it's 100%...more like 95%. But it is him. I am 100% analytical and I wouldn't say it flagrantly if it weren't the guy.

 

 

The thing that bothers me, is why would she have searched her rapist's address if she had no idea where or who. It was sometime after the event was supposed to happen. So the only way she's not lying is if she looked it up later when trying to remember and later forgot she had. I don't know. As you said, I want to approach it empathetically. I'm just not sure how.

[empresario]

So tell her you researched and ask her if she wants to know what you found out.

 

Edited to add: You seem more concerned about your research results than about your GF. If that’s the case, perhaps you want the relationship to end.

 

Yeah, she would tell you the same thing. I am a big data machine learner and software security specialist. It's less that I'm obsessed with data and more that data is all I know. It's where I'm comfortable.

 

 

I do care, and I do want to approach it the right way. Admittedly I don't know how.

[Redhead14]

Yeah, I could try to direct her to a therapist. I know she hates them, though. She doesn't think they help her personality type.

 

 

And yes, I am surprised as well. What I did was use GPS location data around the time it happened to track steps. The data was conveniently incomplete for that time period. I had to back-door another account to get searches she made during the time interval.

 

 

One search was an address that fit the profile of the area she described. I was able to confirm it was the address based on fragmented memories. There were a few very specific things. From there it was a quick spokeo report for the rest. Only one guy that ever lived there fit the profile of information she gave me about him. I had enough to verify he's the guy. I wouldn't say it's 100%...more like 95%. But it is him. I am 100% analytical and I wouldn't say it flagrantly if it weren't the guy.

 

 

The thing that bothers me, is why would she have searched her rapist's address if she had no idea where or who. It was sometime after the event was supposed to happen. So the only way she's not lying is if she looked it up later when trying to remember and later forgot she had. I don't know. As you said, I want to approach it empathetically. I'm just not sure how.

 

She blacked out before the random assault? Why would she black out? Was she drinking?

 

Does she have a history of gaps in her memory? Was she sexually abused as a child?

[preraph]

So who roofied her? If she had just left her ex's, then it just about had to be him or someone visiting him. Anyway, doesn't matter. If you genuinely feel you have information about a real rapist, go to the police with it and let them approach her after checking it out if they want to. Keep someone else from getting raped by giving them this info, whether she wants you to or not. But you don't have to tell her. She may or may not ever find out. If she is mad, tell her it's about him not doing it to someone else.

[empresario]

She blacked out before the random assault? Why would she black out? Was she drinking?

 

Does she have a history of gaps in her memory? Was she sexually abused as a child?

 

I've asked myself a million times.

 

 

- History of gaps? Yes, kind of. She has family history of bi-polar but is not so herself (yet). That is medically relevant...as they blackout under stress.

- Sexually abused: No. Not that I know of.

- Drinking? Yes, but only 2 before she left at her ex-BF's house.

- Motive? Well, her ex-bf is a sociopath and control freak. I could see him doing it. And he's a doctor. They have a lot of access to ketamine so it's possible.

 

 

I can't get any closer using what I know.