How many of you are with a partner but are never getting married?

May 11, 2015

I'm wondering are there people, women I guess, who want marriage, but their partner doesn't, but since they love each other, they stayed together?

My question is, how many of you give up on marriage not to lose the one you love and are you happy?

May 11, 2015

I was with a guy for 12 years, lived together for 10. For the last 5 of our relationship I was pushing for marriage. He believed it was a piece of paper. Even though I still loved him, every day his attitude killed another little piece of my heart until I finally had the courage to say I want out. He pursued me relentlessly after I walked away but his actions simply pissed me off because if he had been 1/2 that attentive when we were together I might not have left.

Although it was hard, if I never walked away from what I now see as an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship, I would not have met & Fallen in love with DH.

So to anybody in a relationship that wants marriage with a partner who doesn't, do not believe your partner will change his or her mind.

May 11, 2015

I don't think it can really work well unless both partners are truly on the same page in terms of having reservations about marriage. If one really wants it and gives it up, it's likely to always be a thought in the back of their mind and an issue between them.

If marriage means something significant to a person, it's hard for it to stop meaning something significant.

May 11, 2015

We wouldn't have gotten married if there wasn't need for affordable health insurance. We don't regret getting married, but don't need to be.

May 11, 2015

Not quite what you're looking for, but my GF and I have no desire to get married. We are both on the same page regarding that, and always have been. We just want to be together...no marriage required.

May 11, 2015

We just want to be together...no marriage required.

That works because you & your SO are on the same page about the subject. The OP's Q was what happens when one wants marriage & the other is happy with the way things are, no marriage required?

May 11, 2015

I'm wondering are there people, women I guess, who want marriage, but their partner doesn't, but since they love each other, they stayed together?
My question is, how many of you give up on marriage not to lose the one you love and are you happy?

I'm not in this situation, but marriage is important to me and I feel like if a guy didn't want marriage we likely don't share the same values.

In any event, in dating I ask this question early on and so I wouldn't get serious with a guy to begin with if he was clear he didn't want marriage. I've known guys like this and our values often diverged in lots of other ways as well.

OP, this is clearly important to you, you've made multiple threads on it, you can't change your feelings neither should you try to. Some people don't want marriage and just want to be together, this is NOT you obviously, or this wouldn't be an issue, so I don't see why you need to force yourself to be fine or try to be like other people. I think it will only lead to resentment later on if you settle with this guy and try to pretend like you don't care if you get married when you clearly care tremendously.

Nothing is wrong with wanting marriage likewise nothing is wrong with not wanting it, and you need to figure out how important it is to you, what it means and if you can really be with someone where you will never get that or only grudgingly.

May 11, 2015

In any event, in dating I ask this question early on and so I wouldn't get serious with a guy to begin with if he was clear he didn't want marriage. I've known guys like this and our values often diverged in lots of other ways as well.

Agreed, same with wanting kids. It's not a first date question but I'd think consensus should be reached in the first year.

I'm amazed at the posters struggling with this issue 5 or more years into a relationship. I think they're afraid to accept that "I don't know" means the same as "no"...

Mr. Lucky

May 11, 2015

Agreed, same with wanting kids. It's not a first date question but I'd think consensus should be reached in the first year.

I'm amazed at the posters struggling with this issue 5 or more years into a relationship. I think they're afraid to accept that "I don't know" means the same as "no"...

Mr. Lucky

I agree. I dated my H for over 8 years. He would tell me, "marriage is just a piece of paper" or "I don't need a piece of paper to tell me what I feel". I never flat out asked him if he would ever get married. Maybe I didn't want to know the answers. I was in college for those 8 years and we were living together, so I didn't feel like I needed a definite answer. I graduated from college and was about to start my second year of work. I was planning on asking him that question at the end of my second year of work. Instead, I found out I was pregnant. I waited to see if he would ask me, he didn't, so I asked him if he thought we should get married and he said, "sure". I really wish I never married him. If he had strong feeling about me, he would have asked me in the 8 years we dated. I really wish I hadn't spent 8 years dating him either. All because I was afraid to ask the important questions. I chalk it up to being young and dumb.

May 11, 2015

Agreed, same with wanting kids. It's not a first date question but I'd think consensus should be reached in the first year.

I'm amazed at the posters struggling with this issue 5 or more years into a relationship. I think they're afraid to accept that "I don't know" means the same as "no"...

Mr. Lucky

I mean, it can even be a first date convo too. The thing is how you ask. I don't pull out a questionnaire and begin asking them about if they want to be married and have kids and start checking it off neither do I say "Look, I want marriage and kids, are you down for that?" It's usually very casual and is worked in among other things discussed where it doesn't seem pressuring or weird. It's always worked for me. It comes into the conversation casually like any other thing.

But you're right, whether or not you ask on a first date, I certainly think if your intention is to be married while you're dating you need to square that away before you decide to be exclusive and let them know where you're hoping the relationship will lead or by the year mark the latest figure it out. And be prepared to listen and accept the answer.

May 11, 2015

I agree. I dated my H for over 8 years. He would tell me, "marriage is just a piece of paper" or "I don't need a piece of paper to tell me what I feel". I never flat out asked him if he would ever get married. Maybe I didn't want to know the answers. I was in college for those 8 years and we were living together, so I didn't feel like I needed a definite answer. I graduated from college and was about to start my second year of work. I was planning on asking him that question at the end of my second year of work. Instead, I found out I was pregnant. I waited to see if he would ask me, he didn't, so I asked him if he thought we should get married and he said, "sure". I really wish I never married him. If he had strong feeling about me, he would have asked me in the 8 years we dated. I really wish I hadn't spent 8 years dating him either. All because I was afraid to ask the important questions. I chalk it up to being young and dumb.

That's also the other thing, if this isn't a mutual thing or they don't ever seem to bring it up and you find that you're the one always broaching the topic: they don't want marriage or they don't want it with you at least.

When someone wants to marry you, wants to be exclusive, etc. they bring it up as well and it's usually an open conversation. It's never a case of one person tip toeing and always being the one to have to ask about it.

With my last two boyfriends, while we never married each other, they both were dating with the intention of finding someone to marry. They discussed it pretty early on and throughout the relationship were basically seeing if I could potentially be their wife and so they discussed a lot of futuristic things like kids, where we would potentially live given my career goals and theirs, did I want to move in before marriage, how do I feel about hyphenated last names, from silly small things related to marriage to more important thing, but point is: various marriage related conversations came up either casually or more seriously. It was on their minds. I wasn't the only one thinking about it, they were too and brought this stuff up on their own and often spoke in futuristic terms like "If we get married..." and so on.

May 12, 2015

That works because you & your SO are on the same page about the subject. The OP's Q was what happens when one wants marriage & the other is happy with the way things are, no marriage required?

I know. I personally don't think that situation ever works out. The OP is better off finding someone on the same page.

May 12, 2015

But you're right, whether or not you ask on a first date, I certainly think if your intention is to be married while you're dating you need to square that away before you decide to be exclusive and let them know where you're hoping the relationship will lead or by the year mark the latest figure it out. And be prepared to listen and accept the answer.

I'll state up front that I'm a monogamist, always found life, companionship and sex more meaningful within the context of a committed and recognized relationship and I knew early on I wanted kids and family. No FWB for me.

Given that intention, why would I waste huge blocks of time with someone not interested in (after an appropriate amount of time) an equal commitment to me? Doesn't make sense but sure seems to happen on a regular basis...

Mr. Lucky

May 12, 2015

I was married at 20 and divorced by 25 when I found my husband having sex with other men.

All my relationships after that - from the age of 25 until just two years ago, when I turned 50 - were started with the intention that I *never* wanted to marry again.

My longest relationship during that time was 11 years; from the age of 29 until I was 40. Even when that one ended and I started to date again, did I enter the dating arena with the mindset that I didn't need the piece of paper to solemnify my relationship.

Despite being very sexual adventurous and "sleeping around" (a LOT) in between relationships, when I was in a committed relationship, I was always 100% monogamous. I never cheated on any of my partners. There was always the intention of staying together forever and even with the guy I was with for 11 years involved us getting Powers of Attorney for each other as Domestic Partners so that if anything happened, we would have a legal say in each others' personal and financial affairs.

That said, as I was approaching 49 years of age, I met a guy that changed my mind about marriage. He had also had three bad marriages and never wanted to be married again, but somehow - for both of us - the concept of marriage, the certificate, the ceremony, and the whole she-bang was desirable.

So we did it. And was it ever a shock to me and all my friends. I was the one who said I would never marry again. My first divorce cost me in excess of $200k and I never wanted to tie myself financially to another person. But it was my new guy who convinced me otherwise. And I couldn't be happier.

May 12, 2015

Thanks for helping. I know you are right. I’m so confused. He makes jokes sometimes and calls me his wife, and he makes jokes about having babies. Every time he does it I get so happy but I know he is just joking.

I keep waiting to finally get courage to break up with him because I feel so weak. I talked to him long ago that he needs to tell me if he’s never marrying me, then it’s over. I don’t want to string him along if our relationship has an expiration date. It wasn’t real ultimatum, it was brought up casually. He stayed but I know he won’t marry me.

He has a very unconventional job and his friends expect me to be the same as him, but when it comes to marriage, I am traditional. That puts pressure on me not to disappoint his colleges and his image. I know how dumb it is.

May 12, 2015

i don't believe in marriage anymore.

May 12, 2015

Agreed, same with wanting kids. It's not a first date question but I'd think consensus should be reached in the first year.

I'm amazed at the posters struggling with this issue 5 or more years into a relationship. I think they're afraid to accept that "I don't know" means the same as "no"...

Mr. Lucky

I agree. I see no reason to waste each others time or to rush into a decision. For adults I think within 6 months to a year a couple should know if marriage is where they are headed or not. I'm not saying the couple has to get engaged and marry within that time, but they should at least know if they are going in that direction and have a plan.

If he had strong feeling about me, he would have asked me in the 8 years we dated. I really wish I hadn't spent 8 years dating him either. All because I was afraid to ask the important questions. I chalk it up to being young and dumb.

I used to think waiting around for a few years or so to get married was no big deal. Then I started hearing more and more stories at least similar to yours. Now, I tell everyone my "1 year rule".

Thanks for helping. I know you are right. I’m so confused. He makes jokes sometimes and calls me his wife, and he makes jokes about having babies. Every time he does it I get so happy but I know he is just joking.

I keep waiting to finally get courage to break up with him because I feel so weak. I talked to him long ago that he needs to tell me if he’s never marrying me, then it’s over. I don’t want to string him along if our relationship has an expiration date. It wasn’t real ultimatum, it was brought up casually. He stayed but I know he won’t marry me.

He has a very unconventional job and his friends expect me to be the same as him, but when it comes to marriage, I am traditional. That puts pressure on me not to disappoint his colleges and his image. I know how dumb it is.

First, never give an ultimatum unless you're both very clear in what you're saying and willing to follow through.

You mention expiration date in terms of "if". Why not "when"? As in, tell him he needs to make a decision about marrying you by XX date or the relationship will have to end because this is your dealbreaker.

Also, remind him that if he is as "unconventional" as his co-workers then he is in reality being conventional by the standards of the people he is surrounded by. In that case, "unconventional" behavior would be marrying.

May 12, 2015

Thanks for helping. I know you are right. I’m so confused. He makes jokes sometimes and calls me his wife, and he makes jokes about having babies. Every time he does it I get so happy but I know he is just joking.

I keep waiting to finally get courage to break up with him because I feel so weak. I talked to him long ago that he needs to tell me if he’s never marrying me, then it’s over. I don’t want to string him along if our relationship has an expiration date. It wasn’t real ultimatum, it was brought up casually. He stayed but I know he won’t marry me.

He has a very unconventional job and his friends expect me to be the same as him, but when it comes to marriage, I am traditional. That puts pressure on me not to disappoint his colleges and his image. I know how dumb it is.

It's your life.

You can't live your life for people who aren't even your own friends, but living a sham relationship to please your boyfriend's colleagues??? This doesn't make sense.

You will hate your self even more if you waste more time with this man, don't have kids, don't get married and are doing all this to keep up appearances with people who frankly, don't care all that much. Trust me, his colleagues aren't up at night wondering about your relationship, they don't care, they have their own personal lives to deal with.

He doesn't need to tell you he's never marrying you, you know he isn't. A man who wants to marry you, you'd never have to threaten him about it or ask him to tell you. I know it's easier said than done breaking up but I would start getting the courage by thinking about all you do want that he won't give and just tell him plainly one day you need to talk about where things are going, you want marriage, he doesn't, you don't want to be his gf forever so you're moving on. It will hurt but you will be better off in the end.

May 12, 2015

Strictly answering the thread title, never getting married, no. I'm not the marrying kind.

May 12, 2015

Been there, done that and have the postcard to prove it

May 13, 2015

Ladies, if I can save one of you with this advice it will be worth it. If you want marriage and the guy you are with says "It is just a piece of paper......" then RUN! Honestly, if you mean that much to him, he'll chase you and quickly change his mind. Believe me, guys have been using this line on women since the feminist movement of the 1960s. Believe me, we aren't saying this because we are in full support of women's rights..............we are saying this because we get off the hook that way and there are women who fall for it.

I was married to my wife a year and a half after we met. If a man wants to marry a woman, he will propose, plain and simple. Really ladies, men are that simple. Some of us see the best catch of our lives and propose as soon as we can because we want to start being with them for the rest of our lives. If a guy has been with you for 5+ years and hasn't even proposed, mark my words, it is because he does not want to and maybe never intends to. A man that wants to marry his girlfriend doesn't wait that long, simply put.

Don't wait around 10 years to see if he changes his mind.

May 14, 2015

Ladies, if I can save one of you with this advice it will be worth it. If you want marriage and the guy you are with says "It is just a piece of paper......" then RUN! Honestly, if you mean that much to him, he'll chase you and quickly change his mind. Believe me, guys have been using this line on women since the feminist movement of the 1960s. Believe me, we aren't saying this because we are in full support of women's rights..............we are saying this because we get off the hook that way and there are women who fall for it.

I was married to my wife a year and a half after we met. If a man wants to marry a woman, he will propose, plain and simple. Really ladies, men are that simple. Some of us see the best catch of our lives and propose as soon as we can because we want to start being with them for the rest of our lives. If a guy has been with you for 5+ years and hasn't even proposed, mark my words, it is because he does not want to and maybe never intends to. A man that wants to marry his girlfriend doesn't wait that long, simply put.

Don't wait around 10 years to see if he changes his mind.

Well said Clockwork.

It mystifies why a woman would hang around, when a guy gives that line about 'just a piece of paper'. If someone isn't on the same page as you, just leave, otherwise you'll waste the best years of your life with them .

If the two people don't want marriage, then fine. If one does not believe in marriage for whatever reason, there's plenty more fish in the sea.

A friend of my dad's many years ago, said he was going to be a confirmed bachelor. he liked women, but didn't want that commitment and he as always upfront about it.

If you stick with a guy who has made it clear, he doesn't want to get married and you really want marriage, then you are settling for less than you should. It really is that simple. You need to get the courage to up and leave the relationship.

May 14, 2015

I was married at 20 and divorced by 25 when I found my husband having sex with other men.

All my relationships after that - from the age of 25 until just two years ago, when I turned 50 - were started with the intention that I *never* wanted to marry again.

My longest relationship during that time was 11 years; from the age of 29 until I was 40. Even when that one ended and I started to date again, did I enter the dating arena with the mindset that I didn't need the piece of paper to solemnify my relationship.

Despite being very sexual adventurous and "sleeping around" (a LOT) in between relationships, when I was in a committed relationship, I was always 100% monogamous. I never cheated on any of my partners. There was always the intention of staying together forever and even with the guy I was with for 11 years involved us getting Powers of Attorney for each other as Domestic Partners so that if anything happened, we would have a legal say in each others' personal and financial affairs.

That said, as I was approaching 49 years of age, I met a guy that changed my mind about marriage. He had also had three bad marriages and never wanted to be married again, but somehow - for both of us - the concept of marriage, the certificate, the ceremony, and the whole she-bang was desirable.

So we did it. And was it ever a shock to me and all my friends. I was the one who said I would never marry again. My first divorce cost me in excess of $200k and I never wanted to tie myself financially to another person. But it was my new guy who convinced me otherwise. And I couldn't be happier.

such an amazing story, Carrie, truly amazing. I think that the secret of your success is the fact that initially, you both wanted the same thing. Or should I say, didn't. You were both divorced and shared the same view of marriage. it's also why, when your partner evolved his thinking, he was able to persuade you. Because he understood and shared your initial fears and was able to unblock them, for you, just as they had gotten unblock, in him. I don't even think it is a person who's doing this, I believe it's a process. Driven by chemistry / feelings / whatever that is.

really happy for you, Carrie. lovely read.

May 15, 2015

While it's true that a marriage certificate is only a piece of paper, it does "tell the world" that you are a couple.

Do you need it? Certainly not, but there's a strong reason to understand your partner's feeling about it and agree with them. You can still make a life long commitment without the certificate. But if it's a deal killer, better to walk sooner than later.

There are many folks that get along just fine without it, and have made that commitment. About 1/4 of my friends are in that boat, including some relatives. I do know a few where one would like marriage, but is still willing to stay, because there's a commitment.

But to make a relationship last, there are things that are far more important that the certificate.

I've always said I'd never get married again, but wouldn't totally rule it out, if there were a good reason for it.

Some good thoughts here....

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How many of you are with a partner but are never getting married?

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