Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Ok so I'm married almost 17 years, three great kids....I love my husband but not in love. We've had a pretty tumultuous relationship from day one. He is a big golfer so that always came before me and his mom. Our sex life went from bad to worse to non existent over the years. We have been to three therapists and he has even tried Viagra, nothing works. The last job he had was stressful but we went on a lot of trips like to France, Hawaii, cruises, Italy, Aruba, so we have a lot of time to bond without our kids so that isn't an issue.btw we aren't rich, these were his business trips. Once we were in Hawaii for 10 days in an amazing suite with a balcony overlooking the ocean, no sex till 10 minutes before we left just so he could say we did it. After all these years I am so resentful and bitter. I'm 45 and I think I'm in pretty good shape, I think I'm attractive, not knock out or anything but I'm cute and guys flirt w me. I look young. I've tried everything to no avail. I think I am ready to divorce but he won't even separate. He says it's his house he isn't leaving. He left for two weeks last summer and then just came back when he felt I was done with " my nonsense" I just don't know what to do anymore. So far I've been just sucking it up and living like this because of finances....I work part time and I go to school to be a teacher but I still have a way to go also my oldest starts college in September, my youngest is going into middle scool so they aren't small children, they would be upset but I think they sense a disconnect and they are mature. Any advice would be appreciated...
beach Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 (edited) If you intend to divorce the clearest way to send that message is by filing and having him served. Then he might believe it. Or just move out now if you think that's the solution. I'm really unsure what all your vacationing has to do with explaining the M - it's odd - because you actually spent more words describing the vacations than what your marital issues are. So if that's your priority - then divorce and go on vacation when you prefer to go. Oh wow - I went to read your last thread - ok - I understand more now. You've cheated = have you done counseling to help with that? Does your H know you cheated? Maybe he doesn't want to have sex with you if he doesn't trust you? I don't know - help us understand more... Edited May 11, 2015 by beach
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Ok I only explained the vacations so people would know that we had time alone together. Cause sometimes people think when there are kids around that is the problem. Yes he knows I cheated. But we hadn't had sex in a year when it started. The cheating is just a symptom of a bigger problem. I'm still just as unhappy. The only thing the cheating did was keep me married cause I was getting attention somewhere else. I've tried everything and cried myself to sleep many nights.
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Also...he knows why I cheated.not that that is a good excuse but come on already! 3 years no sex! Wtf!! I'm bitter, resentful and angry and at this point I don't want to be with him anymore...
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Cause I'm scared. Not of being alone but he keeps telling me that I'm going to ruin all their lives. I'm worried about paying rent or mortgage and bills.... I just don't know where to start? 1
DKT3 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Jos, I told you when you first came here you were headed for divorce. The reason I said that and believed that the entire time you've been here is because you refuse to let go of the idea of being with the man you were cheating with. There is no way you can work on a marriage if you really want to be with someone else. Secondly since you've been here you blame it all on your husband. From his close relationship with his mother to "him not wanting to spend time with you". When your affair is talked about, its "oh well it was like this before" again shifting all the blame on him. Even in the divorce talk, you say you haven't divorced because he doesn't want to. Well my wife didn't want one either yet we are divorced. You own nothing, maybe that's where you need to start. Divorce or staying together you need to start owning your sh*t. 7
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Jos, I told you when you first came here you were headed for divorce. The reason I said that and believed that the entire time you've been here is because you refuse to let go of the idea of being with the man you were cheating with. There is no way you can work on a marriage if you really want to be with someone else. Secondly since you've been here you blame it all on your husband. From his close relationship with his mother to "him not wanting to spend time with you". When your affair is talked about, its "oh well it was like this before" again shifting all the blame on him. Even in the divorce talk, you say you haven't divorced because he doesn't want to. Well my wife didn't want one either yet we are divorced. You own nothing, maybe that's where you need to start. Divorce or staying together you need to start owning your sh*t. I have no illusions about the mm. This is about me. I go to therapy and I am trying so hard but the feelings are just not there. I don't blame him for my affair at all. But me wanting out right now has absolutely nothing to do with it. I'm asking for advice on how to proceed. I didn't post to get criticized for my affair. That's another conversation, can we stick to the topic? I mean people have all sorts of problems and this is mine so either give me advice or don't but please stop talking about blame because that's not what my thread is about right now. I know it takes two.
DKT3 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I have no illusions about the mm. This is about me. I go to therapy and I am trying so hard but the feelings are just not there. I don't blame him for my affair at all. But me wanting out right now has absolutely nothing to do with it. I'm asking for advice on how to proceed. I didn't post to get criticized for my affair. That's another conversation, can we stick to the topic? I mean people have all sorts of problems and this is mine so either give me advice or don't but please stop talking about blame because that's not what my thread is about right now. I know it takes two. Its all one issue Jos. That is you taking ownership for the decisions and direction of your life. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I have no illusions about the mm. This is about me. I go to therapy and I am trying so hard but the feelings are just not there. I don't blame him for my affair at all. But me wanting out right now has absolutely nothing to do with it. I'm asking for advice on how to proceed. I didn't post to get criticized for my affair. That's another conversation, can we stick to the topic? I mean people have all sorts of problems and this is mine so either give me advice or don't but please stop talking about blame because that's not what my thread is about right now. I know it takes two. Okay, so where do you want to be and what's holding you here? I understand how sexless marriages break you down. They really really do. I am in one. It broke me down. So what do you want?
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Its all one issue Jos. That is you taking ownership for the decisions and direction of your life. Don't you understand that these are the same problems and absolutely nothing has changed. My husband is a creature of habit. He got his feathers ruffled but as long as we slid right back in to this life, it's all good. He doesn't even see that I slept with another man. It's like it never happened! Any other man would lose their mind! I take ownership for the fact that I'm a coward and I should of gotten separated three years ago.
beach Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 When I wanted to divorce I took the steps to MAKE it happen. If you're worried about money - then work more and pay it to rent etc. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 The affair is the elephant in the middle of the room but if you want to use it as a coffee table while discussing the marriage, okay. If you know you want out of the marriage, what is stopping you? Here is how I got a divorce: 1) call attorney; 2) file paperwork and pick reason for divorce ("irreconcilable differences" usually covers it); 3) have him served; 4) divide assets, mediation, waiting period, kids counseling (whatever is required in your state) 5) when judge grants divorce, go to attorney's office, sign papers, and presto... divorce! I'm not trying to be flip, but if it's what you want, it really is a straighforward process. Is there some reason you don't want it? What is that reason? That is the REAL issue here. Why aren't you taking action to get divorced when you know things aren't going to change? 4
Popsicle Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 (edited) YOu need to start thinking about the CHANGES that will occur if you divorce. The purpose of thinking about these changes, and there will be changes, is to prepare you for them. Can you accept a different lifestyle? One that is not as good financially as the one you have now. This what you will be facing. In terms of finances, if you do not work and your husband does not make enough money to support two households, there is no way you can divorce unless/until you can get a job making enough money to sustain yourself financially. If this is not possible now, then you must wait until you can do that, maybe years. That's just how it is. As for your husband saying it will ruin everyone's life, that's just talk people who are against divorce say to scare you. Everyone will be fine once the dust settles. I won't lie, it's hard going through it though, but you will be much happier in the long run. You also need to be able to see yourself as happier alone, rather than with him, nor should you bank on finding someone else. Finding someone else is not guaranteed. But the most important thing is to take the concrete steps to make a plan to exit your situation. Leave nothing up to chance. And in case you didn't know, all it takes to get a divorce is to file for one. You don't need your H's permission or agreement. Edited May 11, 2015 by Popsicle 1
Hope Shimmers Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Oh, and my ex-husband is a big golfer and a huge mama's boy too. Still trying to figure out why I married someone who thought it was fun to hit little white balls around with a metal stick for 12 hours a day. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Oh, and my ex-husband is a big golfer and a huge mama's boy too. Still trying to figure out why I married someone who thought it was fun to hit little white balls around with a metal stick for 12 hours a day. I can't resist a response to this: I'd be more concerned about the "Mama's Boy" and why he won't let you play with his little white balls and stick then about the golfing. 2
jbrent890 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Jos I feel that these divorce threads of yours pops up whenever contact is broken between you and MM. If I recall correctly, I believe something happened recently in which contact was broken. I'm going to ask you the exact same question I asked last time, has your husband been working on his issue? Personally, and I know you don't want to hear it, I think DKT is right. You have yet to let go of this affair. A previous post you made when you talked about the things MM did for you (tattoo, trips, money spent) made that really evident to me. Listen I'm not telling you not to divorce. In fact, that was my original suggestion to you. I wanted this to happen though once you gave your marriage an honest shot without you thinking about MM or the affair. I think deep down you and I can both agree that this has not happened. I hope you don't get angry at me for saying this, but you are still mourning your affair. I don't think divorce is going to get rid of those memories of your affair and as I have mentioned, I'm worried that your affair will be a bases of comparison in any new relationship you have. Whether you choose to stay or go, you are going have to finally find a way to let go of this thing. 1
Friskyone4u Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Jos, Ok it is evident your husband has some real issues, but don't you think there is any possibility your affair ( regardless of the reason) has kind of emasculated him some and compounded his already significant intimacy problem??? What does doctor who prescribed Viagara say? I don't know all of your story but not only are you dissatisfied with hubby but you are still obviously still clinging to the affair high . He cannot win that game . Boring hubby with all his problems will not become your Prince Charming. Now I am not sure how much you two are actually communicating right now, but you are right about one thing . Most men who already know about their wife having an affair would be doing one of two things. Either kicking you out or trying to make sure it is not going to happen again . He appears to be doing neither and so you are in limbo land. As you said you are an attractive 45 year old woman with a normal sex drive so we all know what is going to wind up happening here. You are going to either start your affair back up with same man or find another one. It takes two people trying very hard to reconcile and right now you have neither. He is trying to make believe everything is ok and you are clinging to your affair high and breaking NC repeatedly . If you want a divorce you need to accept that your lifestyle IS going to change . Very few people divorce without it affecting their lifestyle . But then you will be free to find a man who will fulfill your emotional needs and sexual needs . Your only other options here are to continue to cheat or tell your husband you want him to consider an open relationship since it appears he really has no interest in pulling out ALL the stops to solve his intimacy problems. But what I question right now is are you all in in trying to be sexual with him or trying to go through the motions while "pining" for your OM. As others have said I don't think there is any magic pill here that is going to solve all the problems for you and have your lifestyle being exactly the same Good luck 1
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Oh, and my ex-husband is a big golfer and a huge mama's boy too. Still trying to figure out why I married someone who thought it was fun to hit little white balls around with a metal stick for 12 hours a day. Lol.... True.
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 I can't resist a response to this: I'd be more concerned about the "Mama's Boy" and why he won't let you play with his little white balls and stick then about the golfing. Lol!!! Yes that's true!good one....
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Jos I feel that these divorce threads of yours pops up whenever contact is broken between you and MM. If I recall correctly, I believe something happened recently in which contact was broken. I'm going to ask you the exact same question I asked last time, has your husband been working on his issue? Personally, and I know you don't want to hear it, I think DKT is right. You have yet to let go of this affair. A previous post you made when you talked about the things MM did for you (tattoo, trips, money spent) made that really evident to me. Listen I'm not telling you not to divorce. In fact, that was my original suggestion to you. I wanted this to happen though once you gave your marriage an honest shot without you thinking about MM or the affair. I think deep down you and I can both agree that this has not happened. I hope you don't get angry at me for saying this, but you are still mourning your affair. I don't think divorce is going to get rid of those memories of your affair and as I have mentioned, I'm worried that your affair will be a bases of comparison in any new relationship you have. Whether you choose to stay or go, you are going have to finally find a way to let go of this thing. The feeling I have now are the same feelings I had before the affair. I have tried but nothing happens. I ask him to come to bed with me, he says not tonight I'm turned, how about tomorrow night. So Saturday night comes, we go out for dinner and drinks with friends..nice night, lots of laughs,...go home he goes right to the den, puts tv on, chews tabacco and I go to bed alone....again. It's like a broken record repeating itself. I would even light candles and put sexy stuff on but I would always get rejected so I just can't bring myself to do that again. I just don't know what to do and I'm lost......
Yasuandio Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 You have to "Do Something Different," ala Michelle Weiner Davis, author of Divorce-busters. Perhaps some "Last Resort" techniques as well. Have a look at the pinned thead in our section called "Critical Readings for Separation and Divorce." There is a post about Davis' well-known Sites and methods. I understand what you are going through, very well. It is an assault on your womanhood to be constantly rejected intimately. And, eventually, one can be abandoned, affectionately enough, to the point where they turn to another. I also comprehend this situation perfectly, and it does not resolve any problem in your marriage. You have only deepened the problem, for yourself - (by getting involved with an unavailable married man). As well, infidelity cannot in any way, shape or form increase your husband's sexual desire for you. The anger and hostility is not going to work. I hear it behind your words. I understand the feeling very well. That will get you no where quick. EVERYTHING HAS TO CHANGE NOW. I first suggest that you drop the sex thing for now - I have a gut feeling this may not be about lack of sexual interest. Secondly, I'm going to ask you to look at yourself, to look into yourself. What do you see? How do you present yourself to your husband? Look deeply, seriously into this question. Thirdly, I want you to think about how you speak of this man - his interests, hobbies, and the like: for example, the 12 hours of golfing. Why do you speak so negatively about the golfing? Was it always 12 hours per day? Why might he wish to spend 12 hours away? What is the golfing about? Why do people golf? What is so attractive about golfing? Why would someone spend so much time at this sport? The bottom line, is, I want you to think beyond sexual gratification - to find your answers to why you have lost the intimate dimension of your husband. I made this mistake, only focusing on the one thing that was missing - and drove myself crazy. I even wrote "I want sex" on the inside of the toilet seat lid - I was so piss't off. And it become much more creative than that, as the years past by. My communication and lazor focus on "lack of sex" became over the top - and I did not see what I should have been seeing (cause my mouth was running all the time about the sex issue). And I was getting in more and more pain from the drama I was causing. This is not to say that it was solely "my" problem, or it is solely "your" problem. It takes two to have a sexual dysfunction in a marriage. It will take two to care about fixing it. It is a delicate subject, and the last thing you want to do is create alienation, or cause any source of emasulation (or competetion). This is just my take, based on my own experience. I hope this is helpful to you. Yas 1
Hope Shimmers Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 You have to "Do Something Different," ala Michelle Weiner Davis, author of Divorce-busters. Perhaps some "Last Resort" techniques as well. Have a look at the pinned thead in our section called "Critical Readings for Separation and Divorce." There is a post about Davis' well-known Sites and methods. I understand what you are going through, very well. It is an assault on your womanhood to be constantly rejected intimately. And, eventually, one can be abandoned, affectionately enough, to the point where they turn to another. I also comprehend this situation perfectly, and it does not resolve any problem in your marriage. You have only deepened the problem, for yourself - (by getting involved with an unavailable married man). As well, infidelity cannot in any way, shape or form increase your husband's sexual desire for you. The anger and hostility is not going to work. I hear it behind your words. I understand the feeling very well. That will get you no where quick. EVERYTHING HAS TO CHANGE NOW. I first suggest that you drop the sex thing for now - I have a gut feeling this may not be about lack of sexual interest. Secondly, I'm going to ask you to look at yourself, to look into yourself. What do you see? How do you present yourself to your husband? Look deeply, seriously into this question. Thirdly, I want you to think about how you speak of this man - his interests, hobbies, and the like: for example, the 12 hours of golfing. Why do you speak so negatively about the golfing? Was it always 12 hours per day? Why might he wish to spend 12 hours away? What is the golfing about? Why do people golf? What is so attractive about golfing? Why would someone spend so much time at this sport? The bottom line, is, I want you to think beyond sexual gratification - to find your answers to why you have lost the intimate dimension of your husband. I made this mistake, only focusing on the one thing that was missing - and drove myself crazy. I even wrote "I want sex" on the inside of the toilet seat lid - I was so piss't off. And it become much more creative than that, as the years past by. My communication and lazor focus on "lack of sex" became over the top - and I did not see what I should have been seeing (cause my mouth was running all the time about the sex issue). And I was getting in more and more pain from the drama I was causing. This is not to say that it was solely "my" problem, or it is solely "your" problem. It takes two to have a sexual dysfunction in a marriage. It will take two to care about fixing it. It is a delicate subject, and the last thing you want to do is create alienation, or cause any source of emasulation (or competetion). This is just my take, based on my own experience. I hope this is helpful to you. Yas To be fair, I'm the one who attached the 12 hours to the golfing thing, not the OP. That was my ex. And I ask the same questions - what is possibly so appealing about it. I'll never get it.
Hope Shimmers Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 The feeling I have now are the same feelings I had before the affair. I have tried but nothing happens. I ask him to come to bed with me, he says not tonight I'm turned, how about tomorrow night. So Saturday night comes, we go out for dinner and drinks with friends..nice night, lots of laughs,...go home he goes right to the den, puts tv on, chews tabacco and I go to bed alone....again. It's like a broken record repeating itself. I would even light candles and put sexy stuff on but I would always get rejected so I just can't bring myself to do that again. I just don't know what to do and I'm lost...... I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that there are men like this. You did the lingerie thing and he still rejects you? I'm going to disagree with the poster above and suggest that the sexual dysfunction in the marriage is all (or mostly) on him. Do you ever give him an ultimatum, such that things have to improve because you are so unhappy that if they don't, you will file for divorce? Does he realize the seriousness of the situation?
Author Josmatjes Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that there are men like this. You did the lingerie thing and he still rejects you? I'm going to disagree with the poster above and suggest that the sexual dysfunction in the marriage is all (or mostly) on him. Do you ever give him an ultimatum, such that things have to improve because you are so unhappy that if they don't, you will file for divorce? Does he realize the seriousness of the situation? Yes actually just last night I told him that we need to make changes. If our relationship hasn't changed by August I'm going to move out.
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