So, a woman's "looks" is a deciding factor if a guy will go over to talk to her?

[Bobbi7]

Being attractive is number #1, while later interests and hobbies come WAY later. Let's say..I had shared similar interests with a guy-that wouldn't make him want to date me because of a similar interest, if the guy didn't find me attractive-then he wouldn't bother wanting to date me. Is this how it works?

[Destined2B]

At a superficial level-yes, that's how it works. For something more substantial, the guy would probably look at your values and life goals (as opposed to your hobbies or interests).

[mongo]

thats how it works for everybody. not just men.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Well yeah, if you're interested in someone, on at least a subconscious level you intend to have sex with them if things work out properly. No one is going to approach someone they wont have sex with.

[jen1447]

It's doubtful that anyone would look for attributes they might like in people they're not at least marginally attracted to without ever having met them. I think that's a no-brainer. But, if you're in an environment with someone where you can get to know them slowly, it's entirely possible that other attributes will help build attraction in that person. Like if you sat in a cubicle next to a person you thought was meh physically for 8 hours a day, physical attraction could build if you began to uncover layers of her personality that informed her identity, like if she played violin or loved horses or whatever little spark could organically light your fire.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

It's doubtful that anyone would look for attributes they might like in people they're not at least marginally attracted to without ever having met them. I think that's a no-brainer. But, if you're in an environment with someone where you can get to know them slowly, it's entirely possible that other attributes will help build attraction in that person. Like if you sat in a cubicle next to a person you thought was meh physically for 8 hours a day, physical attraction could build if you began to uncover layers of her personality that informed her identity, like if she played violin or loved horses or whatever little spark could organically light your fire.

 

Well said.

[jen1447]

Many people call that "work."

[Guitarisgood]

I walk into a cafe. To one side lies a bowl of salad. It looks drab, stale green lettuce, shrivelled tomato and a dressing that's color you worry about where it comes from. Then opposite the cooks just poured a fresh batch of shiny greasy chips crunching as it falls into the container. He sprinkles salt and it glistens off the chips... Of course you know which I'd choose just by looking.

 

Dudes and chicks are the same. Welcome to the real world.

[Diezel]

Being attractive is number #1, while later interests and hobbies come WAY later. Let's say..I had shared similar interests with a guy-that wouldn't make him want to date me because of a similar interest, if the guy didn't find me attractive-then he wouldn't bother wanting to date me. Is this how it works?

 

Unless you are Matt Murdock, most people are going to be superficial to a certain degree. And they should be.

[Redhead14]

Being attractive is number #1, while later interests and hobbies come WAY later. Let's say..I had shared similar interests with a guy-that wouldn't make him want to date me because of a similar interest, if the guy didn't find me attractive-then he wouldn't bother wanting to date me. Is this how it works?

 

It's basically the only reason anyone can have to even approach someone for a possible date. So, if they asked you, they found you attractive enough to begin with. So, later deciding not to move forward with you, isn't about looks. There was something else that made them decide you weren't a good match for them.

 

You have nothing else to base an approach on. You don't know anything about them at that first approach. If you've never talked to someone, how can you approach them based on what interests or hobbies, etc. they have? They don't know what they are yet. No one says, 'hey, that person is ugly, I've never talked to them but they look like they might like X-hobby, so I'll approach them."

 

Not only that, just because you share a common interest, it doesn't mean there's enough there to create a bond. Sometimes people want things to be less similar so they can enjoy new things with a new person.

Edited May 11, 2015 by Redhead14

[fitnessfan365]

There will be guys that try to pretend that they're above it.But realistically that's how men are wired. We're visual and sex driven. If we see a woman we're attracted to, that's why we want to talk to her. As Red said, we know nothing about you going in.

 

However, I've always needed a lot of mental stimulation. So if she doesn't have a good sense of humor and overall personality, I get REALLY bored. So physical attraction may get me there initially, but who she is as a woman is what keeps me there.

Edited May 11, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Vintage79]

Seriously - if you're going to go chat with someone (i.e. at a bar, grocery store, Target, festival, etc.,), all that you know about them is how they look, and maybe you can pick up on a bit of their personality based on their clothing/style.

 

So yes, in attracting people, at least not online, looks are king. Online, you certainly get some people what will strike up a conversation based on things other than looks (i.e. income, education, obscure interests), but looks are still important. Online is a bit different, because you have a more detailed dossier on the person prior to engaging in conversation.

[fitnessfan365]

Seriously - if you're going to go chat with someone (i.e. at a bar, grocery store, Target, festival, etc.,), all that you know about them is how they look, and maybe you can pick up on a bit of their personality based on their clothing/style.

 

So yes, in attracting people, at least not online, looks are king. Online, you certainly get some people what will strike up a conversation based on things other than looks (i.e. income, education, obscure interests), but looks are still important. Online is a bit different, because you have a more detailed dossier on the person prior to engaging in conversation.

 

Online is even more looks based than real life IMO. I mean look at how the sites are set up. You can't access a profile until you see the main pic first and make a decision to open. Also, here is something that cracks me up. Women post bikini pics, shots of themselves in tight dresses, and many other revealing poses that show off the goods. Yet, it is considered bad taste for a man to post a shirtless picture.

 

So as a joke/experiment I posted one on my profile. Interesting findings :

 

1) My profile views and emails received have tripled since. On Sun I actually had to silence my phone and left it behind to do an outdoor workout because I needed a break from it.

 

2) I prefer writing women first and usually delete most emails I receive first. Especially since 90% of them always say "Hi", "How are you doing?", etc.. Really boring stuff. So there were three women this weekend that caught my eye. The ironic thing is that all three said they won't write to men with shirtless pics. All three wrote me back and gave me their number. I guess there are exceptions?

[Vintage79]

Online is even more looks based than real life IMO. I mean look at how the sites are set up. You can't access a profile until you see the main pic first and make a decision to open. Also, here is something that cracks me up. Women post bikini pics, shots of themselves in tight dresses, and many other revealing poses that show off the goods. Yet, it is considered bad taste for a man to post a shirtless picture.

 

So as a joke/experiment I posted one on my profile. Interesting findings :

 

1) My profile views and emails received have tripled since. On Sun I actually had to silence my phone and left it behind to do an outdoor workout because I needed a break from it.

 

2) I prefer writing women first and usually delete most emails I receive first. Especially since 90% of them always say "Hi", "How are you doing?", etc.. Really boring stuff. So there were three women this weekend that caught my eye. The ironic thing is that all three said they won't write to men with shirtless pics. All three wrote me back and gave me their number. I guess there are exceptions?

 

FitnessFan - I'm not saying online isn't a lot of window shopping, but I do know plenty of people that search for other attributes first (and if those are satisfied, they make sure they look pretty). I mean, realistically, when you search for people, you have to input something, at a minimum the target age range, not, "anyone who's hot" - these criteria generally exceed what is commonly available in real life (there you only really have location and what they look like). The biggest issue with online dating is that it's too easy for anyone to go find someone else, so it sets unrealistic goals in a lot of people...one of those unrealistic expectations is aesthetics.

[d0nnivain]

There's a single rare exception to this. Sometimes people are thrown into a situation where they are forced to interact over a period of time. Even though the attraction wasn't initially there, as they get to know each other through a sport, a group, a class etc. something about the personality makes them shine through & grow more attractive.

[empresario]

Being attractive is number #1, while later interests and hobbies come WAY later. Let's say..I had shared similar interests with a guy-that wouldn't make him want to date me because of a similar interest, if the guy didn't find me attractive-then he wouldn't bother wanting to date me. Is this how it works?

 

Organically yes. You can't see a personality by looking at someone.

 

 

Sociological rule is you go up or down 1 level of general attractiveness the majority of the time.

 

 

I think there is more wiggle room if you get to know someone first. But how often does that REALLY happen? And eventually the uglier person will start thinking they can do better in most cases.

[regine_phalange]

Yes, I think so.

We'd also rather be approached by the good looking ones, it goes both ways.

[empresario]

Organically yes. You can't see a personality by looking at someone.

 

 

Sociological rule is you go up or down 1 level of general attractiveness the majority of the time.

 

 

I think there is more wiggle room if you get to know someone first. But how often does that REALLY happen? And eventually the uglier person will start thinking they can do better in most cases.

 

Sorry, I meant the more attractive person will think they can do better*

[smackie9]

You are attracted to what you are attracted to....while others may not find you attractive, someone else will. Like others have mentioned, visual attributes come first majority of the time, it's human nature. There are those occasions like working with someone for a long time, you form a bond and then find them attractive but who has time for that.

[loveweary11]

Being attractive is number #1, while later interests and hobbies come WAY later. Let's say..I had shared similar interests with a guy-that wouldn't make him want to date me because of a similar interest, if the guy didn't find me attractive-then he wouldn't bother wanting to date me. Is this how it works?

 

 

Pretty much. I mean if you don't know someone, what else is there to go on apart from looks?

[Redemption04]

Being attractive is number #1, while later interests and hobbies come WAY later. Let's say..I had shared similar interests with a guy-that wouldn't make him want to date me because of a similar interest, if the guy didn't find me attractive-then he wouldn't bother wanting to date me. Is this how it works?

 

 

Yep. I'm not a guy, but this is what guy friends I have, have told me. How they approach women in bars goes like this too. If they don't find you attractive, they're not going to bother getting to know you in the first place. But let's face it. Women do the same thing.

[Phoe]

While I'm inclined to just say "yes", my personal experiences always led me to believe that men were interested in me for other reasons. Heck, most of my exes were only marginally attracted, I definitely wasn't their type, but I had other attributes that they liked, and after getting to know me over time, the way I looked didn't matter compared to the other things they liked.

 

But, I've always guessed that most people form relationships and attraction through interacting, and that the concept of just seeing an attractive person out in the streets and making an approach on that person based solely on that, seems rare. I've personally never had it happen to me, and have only VERY rarely seen it happen to others while out and about.

[Jessie1231]

Yes - for the most part. But there are exceptions. My last boyfriend I met through OLD. His pics were pretty bad, but I said what the hell and agreed to lunch. I went and in person he looked like a troll. However, he was one of the most interesting people I've ever met. He loved to travel the world which I love, plus he had this adorable British accent. So he and I started dating even though usually I wouldn't have even agreed to meet him for lunch that day.

 

But I would say almost all the time, looks is what leads to even getting to know a person.

[alphamale]

if the guy didn't find me attractive-then he wouldn't bother wanting to date me. Is this how it works?

basically yes

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well, he might date you...temporarily, just not for the long-term.

 

It's a slippery slope when you're asking what a guy will "date"...there's not a lot of obligation or commitment to date a woman. If the opportunity is there...then it can be an ego boost for the guy, just a free way to get laid, or because he has no better options...not that women can be much different, just not usually doing the same things as men for the EXACT same reasons, always.

 

I still think less attractive people have an opportunity to date better looking people or people that initially that attracted to an necessarily feeling sparks by said person.

 

There's some women for men right away, that I just find something very attractive or magnetic about them...they don't even necessarily have to be across the board meeting that "standard" of beauty. But then you're also kind of talking about different kinds of attraction as well, and that's when it starts to get complicated.

 

At the end of the day you just have examples of situations like;

 

- You find the person immediately attractive so there's an instant initial spark and chemistry that's based more on nature than anything else

 

- Then there's people you grow a desire for based off a combination of their attraction (even if slight), quality of conversation, stimulating interaction, other forms of chemistry...even emotional chemistry.

 

- And then there are situations where you had no initial attraction in particular, and didn't even have them necessarily on the radar...however with timing, and an opportunity to connect and essentially spend time around this person, a certain familiarity and comfort grows that peaks your opportunity and may open the door to a romantic relationship

 

Of course the best kind IMO, is when you have a strong physical attraction to the other person, and then everything else is elevated to a higher peak. Which consequently, is probably what people want to feel is at the bottom of the list to an extent when someone chooses to be with them.

 

But with a strong physical attraction, it sets the bar already high and everything else that comes from underneath can really raise the peak of that infatuation and weightless feeling.

 

It it unfortunately however probably not the best or smartest kind of attraction long-term.

 

For example, I would personally likely be happier as a whole in life with a woman who made a bigger effort to make me happy, treating me well, was very attentive, supportive and comforting/nurturing...affectionate and sexual...rather than just be very attractive, not really go out of her way to do much in particular basically not being strong in any particular area, just neutral...has a low sex drive, not very affectionate, not very expressive or stimulating mentally, or even emotionally, but gets other men jealous and other women's envy as women admire beauty as much as men do...if not more.

 

Every time I've dated someone quite attractive/beautiful, I already anticipate the comments and particular praising behavior from both men and women, socially, publicly, people I already know. However if she's not in particular radiant in terms of beauty...you don't hear much of that, it's more of a "she seems nice!" kind of thing.

 

Society is weird in that...everyone wants to be and feel particularly beautiful, and yet doesn't want to be judged or desired for their looks alone, but also feels that there should be more to it than physical attraction/beauty...but critical of others and their looks, and everyone seems to comment on it...whether it's their own and/or others.

 

Obviously society is hypocritical and full of it, usually only complaining because of how something affects them and makes them feel rather than REALLY how it affects society as a whole...because without that insecurity somewhere inside of them, they honestly wouldn't give a damn, especially if it affected them in no way, they wouldn't even think about it...and yet claim to "care".

 

So I think people deserve the world they live in, and yes it is often enough based on a physical attraction and shallowness more than one would like to admit. At the core of that desire for people, there's very few and basic principles and needs at the end of day, of why they are with that person...and it doesn't even necessarily have anything to do with the other person, at all.