Doing it right...

[Gloria25]

Ok, please I must ask that in response to this thread that I do not be lectured about being a homewrecker, because per this type of thread, people post here because they are in situations where they are and/or are considering getting involved with someone who is "involved" with someone else...

 

Thank you

 

Ok, I was watching ID, and same scenario plays over and over...Married guy/gal start having sex with another person besides their spouse, feeeelings develop, then one and/or both OM/OW want to take it to the next level...

 

Then, it doesn't work out...Why?

 

Because, you don't leave your spouse, kids and everything you built just for hornies and lust. Hornies and lust can only go so far...it also gives you "lust" goggles where you start making silly decisions cuz you are all enthralled in passion instead of thinking with your brain.

 

I think the problem is THIS: Which is, the parties don't outline realistic expectations on these types of things. They just get naked and go from there.

 

I believe that if I and the guy that would be interested in me sit down and make an arrangement of our expectations - then no misunderstandings. No, "I think I'm falling in love and/or he changed his mind". No need for jealousy cuz we agreed on ground rules.

 

Look, I'm a woman approaching 40. I do not intend to have any kids. I'm fed up with getting into situations where because I do not want kids and/or have a real "need" for a guy outside sex and a bit of companionship, after a few months the guy moves on...

 

Also, many guys in my age group either already have kids and need/want a step-mum, and/or want more kids. I don't want either of that.

 

I believe that if I arrange for an affair we can both get what we want. He can get the passion and sex that I'm sure he desires and probably isn't getting w/o disrupting his family life. I have no intention of hurting his SO and/or kids. I don't even want some woman on my doorstep nagging me about me trying to take her man. I just wanna "borrow" someone. I believe in what people don't know, won't hurt them.

 

Michelle Obama is right, we women "do" outnumber men. Maybe that is why in many cultures/religions men can have more than one woman (married or not). Now I'm not talking about those Krazy cults where the guy has a bunch of zombie "sister wives" - that's just creepy and weird.

 

But, for ages, men have had more than one woman at a time. Some women even are glad to have some other woman "boink" him, so he won't "bother" her - as long as he comes back home to her...It's some sort of "unspoken" agreement some couples have (not an open marriage, ok? just an "I'll look the other way" type thing).

 

Again, I think when people sit down and lay out agreements and expectations, it runs smoother. With the show I was watching last nite, dude was so "in lust" that he was contemplating leaving his 30 years of marriage for some Krazy floozy. He even went so far to set the wedding date and when the BS saw that his credit card was used to buy the OW a dress, she broke down and had a heart-to-heart with the husband and he realized what he was doing was stupid and wrong.

 

Well, OW didn't take it well. Could you blame her? So, lots of fighting, he even went back and slept with her a few times, then changed his mind. Ultimately, it didn't end well.

 

I think this affair went bad cuz yes, he was 30 years in a sucky marriage - but why not just stay with the wife and get his other needs met on the side? I mean, even though he decided to return to the wife, he still wasn't getting his needs met cuz he returned to the OW. I believe if he and the OW laid out the ground rules (ie. I'm not leaving my wife, I just want sex and companionship) then he would have no need/desire to want to marry the OW, cuz OW already agreed to give him what he needs - so why leave his wife?

 

So, that's what I want. I want an arrangement. I want companionship w/o having to see him all the time. I want it to last (more than just a few months). I want all of this w/o having to put more notches on my bedpost.

 

BTW, I've been there and done this before. My 6 yr guy lived with the mother of their kid. And, we saw each other for 6 freakin' years. No me telling him I want him to take it to the next level, no him saying he's gonna leave her for me. It worked out perfectly. We had our own lives and got together. Now, yea, there were moments I wished I could see more of him, but at the same time there were moments that when he wanted to see me, I wasn't available either - go figure.

 

So, I want to know how to go about proposing this "arrangement" to a prospective guy. Cuz, I think he wants the passion/desire, but he probably doesn't want to enter a situation where feelings will develop and he will put at risk what he has. I also don't want him to leave what he has, cuz I cannot provide that for him and believe it or not, I actually think the family life is a good thing for him and most men and I do want him to be happy. And, while I don't care for "her", I am not out to disturb her happiness either.

 

Ok, so time for me to get flamed and/or get advice from others about how to go about this...

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, I'm not going to 'flame' you.

 

I think that what happens in some cases is that expectations are outlined, but then feelings take over. That didn't happen in your first affair, but it could happen this time.

 

Did the mother of your previous AP's child (the one he was living with at the time) know about you? I think that's the key.

 

It's really not a fair "arrangement" for all three of you, if all three of you aren't informed about it. (I hope you don't see that as 'flaming'; it's just my opinion).

Edited May 10, 2015 by Hope Shimmers
punctuation

[RoseVille]

I believe that if I and the guy that would be interested in me sit down and make an arrangement of our expectations - then no misunderstandings. No, "I think I'm falling in love and/or he changed his mind". No need for jealousy cuz we agreed on ground rules.

 

I stopped reading here, because you couldn't be more wrong.

 

My MM and I laid out the ground rules, I knew what I was getting into, and I still caught feelings and am now hurt.

 

Don't delude yourself into thinking you're invincible from the same outcome after sharing the most intimate parts of yourself with a man... a man who makes it clear that at the end of the day, you're not really "it" for him.

[Giggle]

Some days I think you're on to something my ex informed me that he wasn't surprised I could get emotionally invested in someone miles away because I don't like a man around all the time.

[Sassy Girl]

There are plenty.... PLENTY of men who are single and available or in legitimate open relationships who don't want commitment and family and the white picket fence. Why not start there?

 

I doubt anyone will give you step by step instructions on how to snare a married man.

[RoseVille]

I keep looking at the title. I just don't think there's a "right way" to be an OW unless the dude is in an open relationship and his wife knows about you and is down with it all.

[Gloria25]

There are plenty.... PLENTY of men who are single and available or in legitimate open relationships who don't want commitment and family and the white picket fence. Why not start there?

 

I doubt anyone will give you step by step instructions on how to snare a married man.

 

I hear ya, but the "single" guys that want what I'm proposing usually equates into a FB/FWB situation that fizzles in a few months cuz they bore of you, usually want to bed more/different women (hence the desire for a FWB/FB), and/or meet someone they want more with (kids, living together and/or commingled finances and stuff) and since you don't want that, you're toast.

 

I'm not exclusively seeking married and/or involved guys. I just posted this thread so that "just in case" I run across a "prospective" guy who is involved with someone, I can pitch my "arrangement" successfully w/o coming of as Krazy.

 

I mean, I am a rare breed of woman...when I open my mouth, sometimes people's eyes want to pop out if their heads.

[Jessie1231]

I had an arrangement like this for the better part of a year with a guy, except he didn't have a wife. We met and I was just out of a relationship so not looking for one. He was in politics and did not want any type of public relationship, especially with me since he was Jewish and I am not. We saw each other once or twice a week, and it was wonderful. He was the absolute best sex I have ever had and he was always a perfect gentleman.

 

My point is that these arrangements are easy to find with an available man, and you can do this without hurting a wife who wanted no part of this arrangement.

[Gloria25]

I keep looking at the title. I just don't think there's a "right way" to be an OW unless the dude is in an open relationship and his wife knows about you and is down with it all.

 

Lol,

 

I was watching a show about an open marriage last nite on ID...

 

Problem was, that the wife in the open marriage was a feisty, petite spitfire...the got a thrill off of messing with guys beyond what her and her husband agreed on.

 

So, arrangements must be agreed upon and followed for it to work.

 

But, I think some married couples, while not in an "open marriage" live separate lives and are just married on paper - so they sorta have an "unspoken" open marriage, you know...

[Gloria25]

I had an arrangement like this for the better part of a year with a guy, except he didn't have a wife. We met and I was just out of a relationship so not looking for one. He was in politics and did not want any type of public relationship, especially with me since he was Jewish and I am not. We saw each other once or twice a week, and it was wonderful. He was the absolute best sex I have ever had and he was always a perfect gentleman.

 

My point is that these arrangements are easy to find with an available man, and you can do this without hurting a wife who wanted no part of this arrangement.

 

Do you mind me asking why it didn't last a year?

[Gloria25]

Well, I'm not going to 'flame' you.

 

I think that what happens in some cases is that expectations are outlined, but then feelings take over. That didn't happen in your first affair, but it could happen this time.

 

Did the mother of your previous AP's child (the one he was living with at the time) know about you? I think that's the key.

 

It's really not a fair "arrangement" for all three of you, if all three of you aren't informed about it. (I hope you don't see that as 'flaming'; it's just my opinion).

 

Well, yes, I had feelings for my 6 yr guy...but, not one day did I want kids with him and/or want to marry him. Again, maybe it's just me, but in these "affairs", I just don't get why at some point the OW sets the "leave her for me" ultimatum...

 

The mother of their kid. Nah, she didn't know about me...and that's how good we were at it...Lemme tell you a little joke, I would disguise my voice as a guy (back then we didn't have celphones where we lived) and I would call and ask for him and she'd hand him the phone and right then and there he'd arrange to see me...lol

 

I don't think she was naive, but I'm just saying that we were good at keeping it on the downlow. Also, because of what he did for a living, him working late and/or leaving/coming odd hours also provided for cover.

 

And, I wonder if she was also seeing other people besides him. There were rumors of that....the "unspoken" open marriage/RL I spoke of.

[Jessie1231]

Do you mind me asking why it didn't last a year?

 

I met someone that I started dating seriously.

[Gloria25]

I met someone that I started dating seriously.

 

And that's my point with single guys....unless I can find one who is just like me, who has no desire for kids and all that and just realistically wants female company, most guys either want kids and/or more, and when they meet someone else they can have that with, I'm toast...

 

I mean, ALSO, there "are" men who want to call/text and/or see you on the regular. When you don't give them that, they will also move on I mean, sometimes I am gonna be busy when you call me. I may just prefer texting you. I just wanna see you once (maybe twice) a week. Can you as a guy handle that?

 

BTW, see, I know "me"...At 21, I literally put a ring on my marriage finger because I made a promise to myself that I'd never marry. I put every contraceptive available and took precautions to not get preggo. Even when I first joined the military I almost considered finding someone to marry out of loneliness, and changed my mind quick. I'm approaching 40 now. If I never married and/or had kids - that desire isn't gonna change at this point.

[Timshel]

I mean, I am a rare breed of woman...when I open my mouth, sometimes people's eyes want to pop out if their heads.

 

Lol....Yep! :lmao:

[Jessie1231]

Have you ever looked on Seeking Arrangement? You can be very specific in what you are looking for and find a guy who is probably looking for the same thing as you.

 

The thing about making an arrangement with a married guy is that the exact same thing can happen as with a single guy, except there could be a very angry wife involved when that relationship ends. There's no guarantee that a married guy won't get bored, or attached, or feel guilty, or get caught, etc.

 

If you're looking for something part time, that site is a very easy way to find it. Guys are specific in how often they want to see someone. It's advertised as a sugar daddy site but if you meet someone and tell them you don't even care about the money part of it, even better for him.

[Eagle's-bargain]

And that's my point with single guys....unless I can find one who is just like me, who has no desire for kids and all that and just realistically wants female company, most guys either want kids and/or more, and when they meet someone else they can have that with, I'm toast...

 

I mean, ALSO, there "are" men who want to call/text and/or see you on the regular. When you don't give them that, they will also move on I mean, sometimes I am gonna be busy when you call me. I may just prefer texting you. I just wanna see you once (maybe twice) a week. Can you as a guy handle that?

 

BTW, see, I know "me"...At 21, I literally put a ring on my marriage finger because I made a promise to myself that I'd never marry. I put every contraceptive available and took precautions to not get preggo. Even when I first joined the military I almost considered finding someone to marry out of loneliness, and changed my mind quick. I'm approaching 40 now. If I never married and/or had kids - that desire isn't gonna change at this point.

 

 

You sound like a woman - and some men are this way too - who schedules a relationship into your routine. It's not like that when you're in a relationship. A relationship is not just a routine. It sounds like you're a lone-wolf, who wants a wing-man. It doesn't work that way. If you want to be able to leave easily as you came into a relationship, why are you complaining if the same happens?

[Gloria25]

You sound like a woman - and some men are this way too - who schedules a relationship into your routine. It's not like that when you're in a relationship. A relationship is not just a routine. It sounds like you're a lone-wolf' date=' who wants a wing-man. It doesn't work that way. If you want to be able to leave easily as you came into a relationship, why are you complaining if the same happens?[/quote']

 

And that's my issue...

 

Men see the type of RL I'm seeking as something that either I or them can "take it or leave it"...Again, that's the FWB/FB thing and/or someone who wants to sleep around.

 

I want the type of RL I am seeking NOT cuz I want freedom to sleep around and/or dump him if I'm bored...

 

I want the type of RL I want cuz again, RLs have to "go somewhere" and that usually is marriage and/or kids. While I don't have a problem with marriage, marriage requires commingling of finances, living under the same roof, and having to give that other person your attention more than just once a week.

 

I don't want kids, don't trust commingling my finances/stuff with some guy, and, I am very stoic/quiet and if someone were to be with me 24/7, they may bore of me not being allover them. I mean, I've had guys who called me every day after I got out of work - that's a bit much for me.

[Friskyone4u]

Gloria

One little problem with your arrangement situation . You have made the decision for the spouse of your MM that what she does not know does not hurt her . Not exactly too fair .

I find it hard to believe that attractive 40 year old woman cannot find any single men willing to have no strings sex WITH an arrangemt discussed beforehand .

Don't know why you can't accomplish your goal without being the OW and devastating a family just to get laid.

 

I'm not flaming you but you are being a bit selfish here .

[Eagle's-bargain]

And that's my issue...

 

Men see the type of RL I'm seeking as something that either I or them can "take it or leave it"...Again, that's the FWB/FB thing and/or someone who wants to sleep around.

 

 

I don't want kids, don't trust commingling my finances/stuff with some guy, and, I am very stoic/quiet and if someone were to be with me 24/7, they may bore of me not being allover them. I mean, I've had guys who called me every day after I got out of work - that's a bit much for me.

You need to date a guy who doesn't want children and is extremely shallow or boring. Relationships and friendships require sacrifice, as far as I can tell you're not going to do that. Remember, ONE captain for each ship. Some ships have pilots (in the nautical sense), but still there is ONE captain per ship. You're a captain, don't get into a relationship if you are the alpha-male/female in the relationship attracted to other alphas.

 

I don't see you as the type who wants to put yourself into someone else's hands without an easy way out. With that said think about what you actually want.

[Popsicle]

I think only serial cheaters are looking for this type of situation, and not all cheaters are serial cheaters (your guy may not be one, I don't know him). You can find plenty of serial cheaters on married-seeking-married dating sites if an "arrangement" is what you are wanting.

[Survivor12]

Think about what you're saying...you are talking about entering into an agreed upon "arrangement" with a man who by agreeing to it is violating an agreement he made with his wife.

 

Hmmm....

[Grapesofwrath]

Think about what you're saying...you are talking about entering into an agreed upon "arrangement" with a man who by agreeing to it is violating an agreement he made with his wife.

 

Hmmm....

 

I believe there is a lid for every pot. If you seek an arrangement of this type, there are many men--single or otherwise--who would accommodate you without it requiring serial lying and deception. Many resources exist online.

 

I have known couples where sex is completely off the table, for a variety of reasons, but the couple wishes to remain married. In many of those cases, there is a tacit agreement that the spouse who still desires sex is free to seek it, so long as they do so without disgracing the other spouse or undermining the marriage.

 

There are all kinds of marital agreements out there. The problem with what you are suggesting is that your "arrangement" requires routine and continual efforts at deceiving someone else. That ain't cool. Your sexual enjoyment comes at a direct cost to someone else. Why do this when you can get your sexual fulfillment on the up and up?

[LovelyBrown]

I find your post very interesting. I'm married but I feel like I'm on my way out, I don't think marriage is for me. That being said, I would love for the MM I like to consider a type of arrangement like the one you described. I truly don't want to disrupt his family, I'm not interested in him being a part of my life in that way... But why can't we enjoy each other's company? Isn't the OMM usually freaked out by the fact that the current ow is getting attached and demanding more of him? What if that didn't happen? All very interesting points. I say, if you see someone that you feel is into you, then just bring up your ideas and see what he thinks.

[Grapesofwrath]

I find your post very interesting. I'm married but I feel like I'm on my way out, I don't think marriage is for me. That being said, I would love for the MM I like to consider a type of arrangement like the one you described. I truly don't want to disrupt his family, I'm not interested in him being a part of my life in that way... But why can't we enjoy each other's company? Isn't the OMM usually freaked out by the fact that the current ow is getting attached and demanding more of him? What if that didn't happen? All very interesting points. I say, if you see someone that you feel is into you, then just bring up your ideas and see what he thinks.

 

I went into my A with eyes wide open. He did not future-fake me, and I knew the deal. I never asked him to make a change to his life or asked him to give more. Any increase in time or contact was initiated by him, because he wanted more. In his words, "I want to be with you as much as possible". Felt great.

 

I think the issues arise when the deception becomes routine. It's hard to be close with someone who is showing himself to be an adept and routine liar. It doesn't take long before one starts wondering what else is being hidden. "If he is lying about me, what is he lying about TO me." That level of distrust is malignant and begins to eat away at the relationship.

[LovelyBrown]

I know it sounds strange but it's almost as if the one person they need to be 100% honest with is YOU! Lol. That's what I would like. If you're getting bored, then tell me, if your wife is driving you mad and need space, tell me! If you want to end it completely, tell me. That way the two of you don't set yourselves up for disappointment.

Not being able to be 100% honest about things with my husband is a huge problem, I have tried and he just cant handle it. If I could do it all over again that's something that I would be upfront about. I'm brutally honest and you gotta be okay with it, I can take honesty and I appreciate it.