melissacus Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I guess I am posting this for support and encouragement. It has mostly to do with personal insight and struggles, but these tie into my dating/relationship life, so I thought I would post it to this section. Brace yourself, this is long. Since age 15, I have never been single. I have had a stream of serious relationships, casual dating, friends with benefits, and one night stands. My most long-term relationship was 7 years, off and on. He and I were best friends before we started dating, he was my first everything and it was a very deeply connected relationship. We had broken up a few times, especially early on in our relationship when we were in our teens. A couple times we were split for a few months, and in between those few months I would see other guys. Rather than dealing with the sting of the break up, I distracted myself, which was weak of me and very counter-productive, I'm aware of this now. Anyway, I'm not going to regurgitate my dating and sex life, but long story short, I have not been truly single, no dates, no talking to a guy, for more than maybe 2 weeks since I was 15 years old. I have known for awhile since I moved here to Northern Cali that I should focus on myself. And I have gone several weeks of being completely single, entirely indulged in myself and getting to know who I am and how I tick, and I can say with complete sincerity, that I never feel stronger, fuller, more complete, and more in love with who I am and my life then when I have gone through these single stages of just focusing on myself. Then I meet a guy, a guy will ask me out that I'm attracted to and I, for whatever reason, I say sure, why not, I"ll see if I like him. And almost immediately like clock work, my goals, my strength, my feeling of completeness gets washed away and I am marred in insecurity, chaos, and anxiety. I change, I close up, I become defensive and suspicious. But only if I truly like the guy I'm seeing. This has been a cycle of pain and confusion that I have only just begun to realize how intensely it actually hurts. Early this year in the beginning of the semester, I became friends with a guy, let's call him ray. Ray came up to me at the bus stop and started small talk, we figured out we were taking the same professor for the same english class, at different times, and we exchanged numbers and started to work together on essays and reading assignments. Sometimes just he and I, sometimes with a group of other friends. I was dating someone when I first met Ray (I actually made a post about this emotionally unavailable guy I was dating at the time), and I talked to him about him often when we were hanging out. He would give me advice and listen. He always gave me open, good advice, he never hit on me or pushed his friendship limits. He always treated me with great respect and that was very nice. i broke up with emotionally unavailable guy maybe two months ago. I hung out with Ray a few times after the break up but never mentioned it. In the back of my head I kind of knew he had a crush on me and would ask me out. I was also very attracted to him and thought (think) he's an amazing person, so I knew I would say yes when he did. When I did eventually bring it up to him during one of our homework sessions, about two weeks ago, he asked me out on a date. Now I'm going to be entirely candid in this post and perhaps that's going to welcome scrutiny and judgement, but I am opening up about this because I am genuinely looking for hope that I can heal. Automatically after him asking me out, we were very physically affectionate with each other. We spent the rest of that night hanging out, I went home, we didn't kiss or anything. The next day he met me on campus, we spent the afternoon together and he asked if he could kiss me. We spent the rest of the day cuddling in the grass of a beautiful community house garden, laughing and talking, browsed the library a little bit, he kissed me goodbye, then parted ways. It was a truly amazing, innocent, magical day. And I was feeling open and trusting and positive with him. Not insecure, not suspicious or reluctant. The next day he meets me, and two girls I take care of, at the farmer's market. He pushes the little one in the stroller, he pays for my produce, buys them honey sticks, he doesn't kiss or hug me around them, which I love, he even holds my purse for me. That night we end up sleeping together and it's amazing. We cuddle and talk for an hour afterwards then continue on with each other, it was amazing. In the morning I part ways from him and almost immediately begin getting that anxious, suspicious, guarded feeling. Why hasn't he called me? Why hasn't he texted me yet? Why is he making jokes about that? I start to change how i interact with him, I don't laugh as much, I am not as openly giving of affection, I don't share things with him like I did before. My wall comes up. We continue to hang out for the next week, but things are different with me. I can feel it, and he obviously can too. He becomes distant for days, I become frustrated that he's not being honest with how he's feeling about the situation and confront him, pretty angrily. He says he's sorry he's upset me and he would be glad to talk to me when I've calmed down which is clear that I'm not. We set up a meet up on Saturday at 7pm, last night. He is completely candid and open with me. He says he was sorry for avoiding me, but he was trying to figure out how to approach me in a way that would hurt me least and he wasn't sure how to do that so he was "pussy footing" around it. He says he thinks we're better off as friends. I accuse him of just wanting to get into my pants, he shakes his head and says no, I really liked you and wanted to date you, I asked you out because I could see myself falling in love with you, but something changed this past week, I can't pinpoint it. you did nothing wrong, but something just changed. I was not in love with him, so my heartache isn't much from that. And I can easily see us being able to bounce back from our week long affair and be friends. But when he left, I blared music and I cried for two hours. Hardly about him. It was pain from past relationships, my very difficult childhood, anger towards my parents, all of this came rushing and I wept for two hours on my living room floor. As strange as it may sound, it was a transcendental, freeing, positive experience. I had a very traumatic childhood. I witnessed much physical and emotional abuse from my father towards my mother and neither of my parents were there for me emotionally. My mother was emotionally unavailable and distracted with my father, and my father was in and out of prison. When he wasn't in prison, he was high on meth and I was very scared of him. I was often alone with very little concern from my parents. I was severely emotionally neglected. I was sexually abused for many years of my life in secret. These childhood experiences, the pain and anger I have with my family, has caused me to cradle a very strange line of craving unconditional love, yet rejecting and pushing away from true intimacy. I am a very self-reflected, aware, and determined individual. But at the same time, hopelessly clueless, scared, and confused. I guess what I want to know, is, in your opinion, if a person really really tries, if they focus on themselves and on seeing who they truly are and work towards changing those aspects that don't serve them, do you think healing and change is possible without drugs/professional help?
Redhead14 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I guess I am posting this for support and encouragement. It has mostly to do with personal insight and struggles, but these tie into my dating/relationship life, so I thought I would post it to this section. Brace yourself, this is long. Since age 15, I have never been single. I have had a stream of serious relationships, casual dating, friends with benefits, and one night stands. My most long-term relationship was 7 years, off and on. He and I were best friends before we started dating, he was my first everything and it was a very deeply connected relationship. We had broken up a few times, especially early on in our relationship when we were in our teens. A couple times we were split for a few months, and in between those few months I would see other guys. Rather than dealing with the sting of the break up, I distracted myself, which was weak of me and very counter-productive, I'm aware of this now. Anyway, I'm not going to regurgitate my dating and sex life, but long story short, I have not been truly single, no dates, no talking to a guy, for more than maybe 2 weeks since I was 15 years old. I have known for awhile since I moved here to Northern Cali that I should focus on myself. And I have gone several weeks of being completely single, entirely indulged in myself and getting to know who I am and how I tick, and I can say with complete sincerity, that I never feel stronger, fuller, more complete, and more in love with who I am and my life then when I have gone through these single stages of just focusing on myself. Then I meet a guy, a guy will ask me out that I'm attracted to and I, for whatever reason, I say sure, why not, I"ll see if I like him. And almost immediately like clock work, my goals, my strength, my feeling of completeness gets washed away and I am marred in insecurity, chaos, and anxiety. I change, I close up, I become defensive and suspicious. But only if I truly like the guy I'm seeing. This has been a cycle of pain and confusion that I have only just begun to realize how intensely it actually hurts. Early this year in the beginning of the semester, I became friends with a guy, let's call him ray. Ray came up to me at the bus stop and started small talk, we figured out we were taking the same professor for the same english class, at different times, and we exchanged numbers and started to work together on essays and reading assignments. Sometimes just he and I, sometimes with a group of other friends. I was dating someone when I first met Ray (I actually made a post about this emotionally unavailable guy I was dating at the time), and I talked to him about him often when we were hanging out. He would give me advice and listen. He always gave me open, good advice, he never hit on me or pushed his friendship limits. He always treated me with great respect and that was very nice. i broke up with emotionally unavailable guy maybe two months ago. I hung out with Ray a few times after the break up but never mentioned it. In the back of my head I kind of knew he had a crush on me and would ask me out. I was also very attracted to him and thought (think) he's an amazing person, so I knew I would say yes when he did. When I did eventually bring it up to him during one of our homework sessions, about two weeks ago, he asked me out on a date. Now I'm going to be entirely candid in this post and perhaps that's going to welcome scrutiny and judgement, but I am opening up about this because I am genuinely looking for hope that I can heal. Automatically after him asking me out, we were very physically affectionate with each other. We spent the rest of that night hanging out, I went home, we didn't kiss or anything. The next day he met me on campus, we spent the afternoon together and he asked if he could kiss me. We spent the rest of the day cuddling in the grass of a beautiful community house garden, laughing and talking, browsed the library a little bit, he kissed me goodbye, then parted ways. It was a truly amazing, innocent, magical day. And I was feeling open and trusting and positive with him. Not insecure, not suspicious or reluctant. The next day he meets me, and two girls I take care of, at the farmer's market. He pushes the little one in the stroller, he pays for my produce, buys them honey sticks, he doesn't kiss or hug me around them, which I love, he even holds my purse for me. That night we end up sleeping together and it's amazing. We cuddle and talk for an hour afterwards then continue on with each other, it was amazing. In the morning I part ways from him and almost immediately begin getting that anxious, suspicious, guarded feeling. Why hasn't he called me? Why hasn't he texted me yet? Why is he making jokes about that? I start to change how i interact with him, I don't laugh as much, I am not as openly giving of affection, I don't share things with him like I did before. My wall comes up. We continue to hang out for the next week, but things are different with me. I can feel it, and he obviously can too. He becomes distant for days, I become frustrated that he's not being honest with how he's feeling about the situation and confront him, pretty angrily. He says he's sorry he's upset me and he would be glad to talk to me when I've calmed down which is clear that I'm not. We set up a meet up on Saturday at 7pm, last night. He is completely candid and open with me. He says he was sorry for avoiding me, but he was trying to figure out how to approach me in a way that would hurt me least and he wasn't sure how to do that so he was "pussy footing" around it. He says he thinks we're better off as friends. I accuse him of just wanting to get into my pants, he shakes his head and says no, I really liked you and wanted to date you, I asked you out because I could see myself falling in love with you, but something changed this past week, I can't pinpoint it. you did nothing wrong, but something just changed. I was not in love with him, so my heartache isn't much from that. And I can easily see us being able to bounce back from our week long affair and be friends. But when he left, I blared music and I cried for two hours. Hardly about him. It was pain from past relationships, my very difficult childhood, anger towards my parents, all of this came rushing and I wept for two hours on my living room floor. As strange as it may sound, it was a transcendental, freeing, positive experience. I had a very traumatic childhood. I witnessed much physical and emotional abuse from my father towards my mother and neither of my parents were there for me emotionally. My mother was emotionally unavailable and distracted with my father, and my father was in and out of prison. When he wasn't in prison, he was high on meth and I was very scared of him. I was often alone with very little concern from my parents. I was severely emotionally neglected. I was sexually abused for many years of my life in secret. These childhood experiences, the pain and anger I have with my family, has caused me to cradle a very strange line of craving unconditional love, yet rejecting and pushing away from true intimacy. I am a very self-reflected, aware, and determined individual. But at the same time, hopelessly clueless, scared, and confused. I guess what I want to know, is, in your opinion, if a person really really tries, if they focus on themselves and on seeing who they truly are and work towards changing those aspects that don't serve them, do you think healing and change is possible without drugs/professional help? I had a very traumatic childhood. I witnessed much physical and emotional abuse from my father towards my mother and neither of my parents were there for me emotionally. My mother was emotionally unavailable and distracted with my father, and my father was in and out of prison. When he wasn't in prison, he was high on meth and I was very scared of him. I was often alone with very little concern from my parents. I was severely emotionally neglected. I was sexually abused for many years of my life in secret. These childhood experiences, the pain and anger I have with my family, has caused me to cradle a very strange line of craving unconditional love, yet rejecting and pushing away from true intimacy. Healing and being able to be truly intimate with someone is going to be a very long process for you. I would not recommend attempting to do this kind of process by yourself. Find a good therapist who specializes in SA. Do not come to these kinds of sites anymore to discuss them either. It is a difficult subject for people who are not trained to deal with and you may find yourself being "triggered" by comments/suggestions by people who are well meaning yet not equipped to know what or how to say things to a person who has been abused. The acknowledments you've made above indicate though, that you are ready to go through the healing process. Realizing that you didn't deserve what you went through means that you are not embracing a "victim" mindset. You are a Survivor of abuse. Knowing that will make the journey easier and well worth it. If you want to PM me, I can give you some reputable contacts. I implore you to move this to a professional. 1
jen1447 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I think you probably should see a professional hon. It's not for me to say if you could do without, but your issues with the abuse are obvs rather serious, so why not find out from someone in the know? You've got a good heart tho, no denying that, so that'll carry you a long way. p.s. - this may sound goofy but did the one week guy actually carry your bag around or just hold it temporarily? Actually carrying your bag may seem charming when it happens, but it's not conducive to respect. If he lost some standing from that in your eyes, it could help explain why your feelings changed.
Sunyata Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 (edited) I just wanted to say I can completely relate to your experience in childhood. I grew up around an extremely emotionally/psychologically abusive narcissistic mother, and a father who had a good heart and provided well, but was clueless. It really completely destroyed my mind. I turn 30 in two weeks and I'd say up until about two years ago, my head was just a throbbing ball of pain and confusion. There were no "bad" thought patterns to make sense of. Everything was just chaos and disorganized. Since I'm a guy, I had the opposite problem as you - absolutely soul-crushing loneliness and pretty terrible isolation outside of roommates and coworkers. People overall liked me, somehow, so that maybe kept my spirits up as I began caring for myself. All I can say is self-awareness is the key ingredient in healing, and you definitely have a lot of it. I am sorry your life has had to be so hard and that there have been so many challenges. It is obviously not your fault, and you should not feel guilty or ashamed of anything - you have done your best and are doing very well considering everything. You are a survivor. There is no reason to expect yourself to be anywhere other than where you are now. Like I said, you are really doing a good job. You will continue experiencing powerful changes in your life. Your willingness to embrace the painful side of life is evident. I know completely what you mean about "good pain." Most large-ish cities have groups for people who faced abuse like you did in childhood. I go to one now and find it very helpful. Even my traditional-therapy group does not understand the effects of childhood trauma, and of having important boundaries completely violated by adults in position of trust (in my case my mom basically hated men, and also I did not even get to exist as anything apart an object here purely out of her generosity). So it is nice to have that every week. I just say this from my own experience, as someone who thought of himself as completely worthless trash for nearly three decades, and somehow survived and is re-establishing himself back into the open and free life he was born into. Sorry if this is all just projection on my part and you can't relate to it. I'm still working on intimacy. Edited May 11, 2015 by Sunyata
todreaminblue Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 You do need to get some professional help.....i have gone through childhood abuse....not something ill go in depth and into now with you ..so i am goign to gloss a little....... i also was told to keep it a secret....and that really causes problems as any secrets do....the magnitude of being asked to keep secrets as a child....is ...what does the most damage.....i feel even more than the actual abuse.....the manipulation of an adult against a child if you were like me forced to keep a secret due to threats and then telling because you couldnt handle the secret that kept happening over and over again...i do believe my personality fractured into other personalities at this point of my life.....so yeah ...really young.....my father became really harsh with me after i was a victim of sexual abuse and i developed a flinch every time he came near..because he punished me often.....maybe due to his own feelings of failure to protect ...took it out on me......and at that point i fractured again....because he would call me a sook and wipe my nose and ridicule me....tell me i was pathetic.....he used to get the razor strop when he was a kid and i was only copping the strap......and he never cried.....so i learned not to cry......and soldiered on......i felt sorry for him in a way...and craved his love.....my mum tried to make up for it...he woudl get angry because she would come in to kiss me good night......saying i was too old for that....and that i was a sook..... i laugh through pain now....my personal trainer noted that...the more i was in pain th emore i giggled.....pretty sick huh..... anyway....i know my limitations i know my flaws and i have had masses fo therapy...medication psychotropic and anit depressants dont work for me...shrinks loathe to diagnose multiple personalities and note that i have ptsd...i finally opened up abotu my past nto so long ago to a shrink....i begged the shrink to talk to my mother about what has happened...to see i am not schizophrenic making up delusions...my life and my past are real......he never rang my mum preferring his own diagnosis...and not what i truly believe i am........he fobbed em off onto a cocktail of drugs to solve...... so i stopped taking them..... you arent going to believe this next bit...but i have had more help from touching on my spiritual side and my side that survives life's hurdles.....i trust in god......i cant go on meds........unless of course my suicidal side that cant cope comes out......then i go to hospital........under obs...i have informed the doctors and my acute care team i want holistic spiritual approaches.....but i concede to do what they think is best in times of real life threats......... i have found a certain peace with my past....one way i do that is by helping others...and i try to on here as well as in real life.......i never got apologies ...and i dont expect them.....i just move on...i let go....... i found peace in the church and faith i follow a truth a resonance...a belonging....a purpose....a happiness that cant be replaced out of my life...and i tried...i was miserable without the church the people i have within.....and the fragile friendships i have made there.....i say fragile because....sometimes i feel like if they knew me...they wouldnt like me at all.....but i have found so many good things so many open hearts there..i see them trying with me when i feel out of place.....they are consistently loving generous spirits......not perfect ones i might add and the first to admit it.....they entrust me to help teach their children which is really special to my heart.....i couldnt feel more honored to have such a responsibility...i just smile at all the kids they are .....uplifting .....its a joy....... i know i am home...i just have to get over the fact people might actually like who i am.....for no reason.....but just for me. ......i am blessed to have found truth......my truth...my heart knows.....they like me for me..... you need to find your truth...find your hearts true longing...i wanted to find home...i wanted to extend my family with people i can trust and be part of something beautiful and giving,that is there for humanity to have hope.,....i found that..... seek professional help...if you dont want meds ask for a holistic approach...however...meds can help some people effectively lead normal lives....you may be one....i am not.....i wish i were then it would be easy for me take a pill...be normal....i cant do that.....seek help...talk therapy also works wonders...you arent alone...find where your home is...if your family is abusive...find your new family where the hearts are open and the arms are welcoming..share your story....forgive your old family.....holding it in......will only destroy you and not them...be at peace...let go.........this song is for you (ill pass a bucket to throw up into lol for the sickly sentiments held within the lyrics ...but they are truth......and they are beautiful as are you.....god bless your heart and keep you peaceful.........god loves you no matter what anyone else does or says to you.....dont let anyone tell you different ...deb
Recommended Posts