Lostgirl50 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I was married for 25 years. Our divorced was final 2 year ago. I was a stay at home mom up till the end of my marriage. I went back to school and am almost done my degree. the pain is till there. I bury myself in work all day and come home dead tired and crawl into bed after supper. I feel like I will never be happy again because I have not been so for over 2.5 years. My family was my life and joy. At school, people see me as outgoing, funny , smart woman. I cry on the way home, and relieve the pain at the end of the day by taking a mild sleeping pill so I can sleep longer than 4 hours. Has anyone one out there has this pain go on for so long after a divorce? I pretty much have given up that I will ever be happy again. I always look to the worse happening....and it does. Comments anyone ? Thank you .
ralfgarnett Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I was married for 25 years. Our divorced was final 2 year ago. I was a stay at home mom up till the end of my marriage. I went back to school and am almost done my degree. the pain is till there. I bury myself in work all day and come home dead tired and crawl into bed after supper. I feel like I will never be happy again because I have not been so for over 2.5 years. My family was my life and joy. At school, people see me as outgoing, funny , smart woman. I cry on the way home, and relieve the pain at the end of the day by taking a mild sleeping pill so I can sleep longer than 4 hours. Has anyone one out there has this pain go on for so long after a divorce? I pretty much have given up that I will ever be happy again. I always look to the worse happening....and it does. Comments anyone ? Thank you . I am so sorry that you feel this way, I have been separated from my wife for 10 months now we are not divorced and I still have an almost deluded hope of reconciliation that's what I want but it needs 2 to be in agreement, our 18th wedding anniversary is next month and I'm dreading it and we would of been together 20 years at the end of May, I am not qualified to give advice but I want you to know that I feel your pain as you do and I want you to know that I am thinking of you, keep posting there people better qualified than me that will give you advice, meanwhile god bless you and be as kind and as gentle with yourself as you possibly can be. 2
Yasuandio Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Lostgirl50, I am so sorry, and can personally relate to what you are experiencing. Your timeline caused me to do some math, that I haven't bothered with in a long time (which is a good sign for you to look forward to). My marriage began to formally dissolve in December 2008, and the divorce was final in September 2012 - four years of protracted drama, ended a 26 year marriage. The math....on June 15th, it would have been our 30th anniversary - that just occurred to me when I read your post. We were together 5 years before that. Isn't that interesting significant 30 mark has not crossed my mind? It doesn't mean anything to me. Neither does any special day cause me any sadness or memories that have passed since the divorce began. A day is a day. I think that day will come for you also, when a day is a day. It takes time. Doing the math just now demonstrates to me that I've grown quite a bit since becoming a member of LS. Time, time, time. The marriage was your life - it was what you knew, it was what defined you. Absent that, you must reinvent yourself, which you are doing, magnificently, by upgrading your education. I would recommend, while you're at it, to go a step further, and get a higher degree, if you possibly can get enrolled in a Master's (or combined advanced degree) program. Keeping your mind busy, and learning is a healthy pursuit during this troubled time. A University environment is a perfect distraction. If I were younger, and didn't already have terminal degrees, I would enroll in a doctoral program. It is just like being in a family of new peers and new exciting interests. One poster, Jkrabbit, was discussing how she got over a terrible tragic break-up - she went to Law School. When my marriage was troubled in 1989, that is when I enrolled at the Ohio State University and earned my Doctorate. Since you are already in school - in might not be that hard to STAY in school, by taking on a teaching internship or assistantship, or research associate - depending on your field.. That is how I did it - and my degree cost nothing. Maybe I should take my own advice and do a post-doc. This is just one GRAND idea, that I know works miracles, and builds confidence - and you are free to do whatever the heck you want to now. If this is not the right direction for you, what is? What have you always wanted to do? What were your original dreams before marriage and family? If you could do anything - what would it be? Think about these questions, and answer them for me, for you, for us, please. The issue, that I also face, is the isolation - and a bit too much sleep, and it is getting OLD, fast. Something needs to get shaken up in my life also - I have been where you are, and it can get worse. Which brings me to a final point for your consideration. It could be worse. This is what has kept me going, and believe me, I have had my "pity parties," still do, sometimes. But life is short. As the wise LS poster, NoFool'in puts it, in his NO CONTACT essay, "try rolling up to a cancer ward and telling your problems to people getting ready to take a dirt nap." That statement has really stuck with me - as I suffer from bi-polar 2 disorder, and a host of related issues, and must be highly medicated. I'm still very smart, but not consistent or predictable enough to hold down a job, I am disabled - and that's that. It is an effing drag, but I don't have cancer! I'm not going to die, I still get to enjoy life, as best I can. We must always try to SEE what is good about our situation. Example: What is known as Bi-Polar 2 disorder is a symptom of highly intelligent people, and one must receive proper medical care to function. What good things do you have? What adversities can you re-write, as I just showed you? Hope this perspective helps, Yas 2
Mr. Lucky Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Yas is exactly right, you just lack perspective. And going home each day to medicate yourself to sleep doesn't help, it just increases the isolation. You might try volunteer work, it helped me in a similar situation. Food Banks, Senior Homes, United Way, etc., all are looking for volunteers. And giving to others may take your mind off your own situation and allow you to understand your place in this crazy world. Right now you're on a bridge, just got to push yourself to get to the other side. Helping others may allow you to let them help you do so... Mr. Lucky 2
Author Lostgirl50 Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Thank you all for the posts. They truly mean a lot and shows me that there are people still left in the world that care. I too am sorry for all your losses. I am going to take a little time to ponder your responses esp yours Yas. You have very good points and questions that I need to consider. Mr. Lucky, i too believe you made a valid point about being on that bridge and moving forward. I believe what's holding me back is fear. Fear of being hurt more. Due to no fault of my own , I got hurt and so I am now very afraid of the unknown. So going across that that bridge is terrifying yet I have to be to the other side. Again, I am going to read all your responses again and respond after some much needed thought. Thank you so very much for taking the time to answer me - it means a lot. 1
LoveMyCat Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I don't know if it is feasible for you, but I adopted a little dog a few months after separating from my husband. She provides not only companionship but requires walks and playtime and care, so that I focus on her needs. Or maybe a cat, if you are gone all day. If not, as other have suggested, volunteer work is something that helps you as well as those who benefit. Or joining a group centered on a favorite activity or hobby. Meeting new people is a challenge (at least for me) but can result if new friendships, or at least, distractions and/or things to put on your calendar. Two years of feeling so bad seems too long. Hope you have spoken to a therapist or your doctor. Good luck.
Yasuandio Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Fear. I will tell you a bit about fear. During that four year protracted divorce I lived in constant fear. My former husband had PI's following me, and his friends watching my house, stalking me. Still does once in awhile. What scared me the MOST, was the days I would be eventually on the stand in a three day trial -- and the questions I would be asked about my conduct. All those years, I played the scene in my mind. I lived in fear, day after day, afraid to move, to leave the house. I didn't have enough time to fear that someone else might not want me, or someone else might hurt me. The fears I just described -- not one came to pass. And as I look upon the fears I have experienced, (especially fears caused by bi-polar paranoia), while they "seem" to be logical fears, none have ever come to pass - never. The fear of the unknown is not any different than the unknown life with a happy marriage. You partner could get an illness an die, or be a victim of a fatal car collision and die. The "unknown" was with you at the same time you believed you were in a decent marriage - you just were not focused on it. No one knows what the future holds as it is "Unknown." Nothing has changed as a result of your divorce as far as the "unknown" is concerned, when you get down to brass tacks. The fear of being hurt again. That is going to be very difficult, if not impossible for any other man to achieve - to hurt you after the grief you have been through via divorce from an extended long term marriage. Any relationship you might develop will pale in comparison, and you will find yourself to be a much stronger, wiser woman at this time in your life. A fear of being hurt by another man perhaps means you are not ready to enter into such an arrangement for now. I have made this determination myself, and I am not getting any younger - but time is just not right yet, I am not ready. I spent most of my life in the marriage, and I have to find myself again. If you are seeking a mate with such fear of rejection, and worry of getting hurt, another person can sense this. Again, it may be a sign you are not ready, if you feel such trepidation. Just because society promotes "couple-ism" - doesn't mean you have to be a couple. And to be in a decent relationship, you must first establish yourself as an individual, and become happy alone. Here again, this takes time. I have been where you are exactly, and I do feel my happiness coming back. I will not lie to you. It has been a long road for me, complicated by abuse, gaslighting, legal non-cooperation, insane legal expenses, and my developing a severe illness. But even with these obstacles, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I comprehend and accept the divorce was the proper decision. Financial fear looms heavily over my head - and I have two choices. I can live in fear and worry. Or, I can get my shytt together, use my brains, and get organized and prepared with what the Judge gave me (which wasn't so hot). I may have to go back to Court and fight. That means I need to focus on my strength and intellect, not lie around and sleep. It is very easy, with an illness, to sleep under the influence of prescription drugs. However, I do have ADHD medication, but I don't like it (cause it keeps me active - haha) - but I get things done when I take it. The fact is, it is easier to sit around and have a "pity-party" than to get to work. However, if I don't handle things, no one is going to do it for me - I'm waking up to this FACT. I have no family. I would re-write the script for both of us as follows: "We don't have time for fear, period." How do you like that philosophy? That is where the cross-hairs are focused. I'm not there, but I know exactly what I'm shooting for. Keep posting. We are here for you. Yas
Author Lostgirl50 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Posted May 18, 2015 Sorry for not replying sooner. Part of my degree program requires I work at a company full time. I have buried myself in work and by the time I get home I am exhausted during the week. I am using work to avoid looking at my life cause it hurts. The weekends are the worst. Saturday not so bad but Sunday is. Yas, I have given much though to what you wrote. Being honest, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My life was my family. I have to admit that I am just starting to care again about myself. I bought more make up today and starting to want to look pretty again. Baby steps. Fear of failing is a big thing right now. At work, I am so fearful of not doing something correct I am making silly errors. This did not happen at school. Looking at my situation fear is becoming a big part of my life. I had hoped that time would have reduced it and the pain. And like you said, make a special day such as an anniversary be just a day like any other. It has been one year and 4 months since my official divorce. I had hoped that the pain and fear would be gone by now. Lastly, you all are correct. My life could be worse. I know that. I hope mine does not get worse. I am thankful every day that nothing bad has happened to me. Thank you all very much for your comments.
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