Clarkwg Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Sorry if this is in the wrong forum but this is where I have made my previous posts & had great responses. Very briefly I was in long term toxic on/off relationship, relationship ended at the end of last year, that was no problem as it was definitely for the best, ex then gets with new man & this causes me a massive problem. Since then I chase her back, I get used & abused by her I then draw a line in the sand & have nothing at all to do with her apart from pick up & drop off of our young daughter which literally lasts a few seconds per week on her garden path. I'm not 100% over the ordeal but I'm definitely over the worst of it & feel I'm coming out of the other end slowly but surely. Anyway, today's story is, Iv now met this new girl who I get on really well with, we have a lot in common, she likes me very very much & I like her personality & the attention I have received from her has really helped me in my recovery but.... I just don't find her attractive, not at all. My ex was very attractive on the outside (horrible inside though) & that's probably why I let her mentally & abuse me for years on end so I told myself that never would I go for another girl based on looks & I'm not that picky anyway but surely there has to be some sort of physical attraction there to get with someone right? But there just isn't. Should I carry on seeing this new girl as friends or should I drop her all together? I don't want to hurt her but in a selfish kind of way she has been a brilliant distraction for me. What should I do?
Ruby65 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 She's a rebound. It's not fair to her -- or to yourself -- to continue seeing her. If she continues to develop feelings for you, she's only going to be hurt by you. Drop her, tell her the truth and don't try to sugar-coat it. Tell her you were using her to get over your ex, let her hate your guts because it'll help her move on! PS: No more dating for a while.
Author Clarkwg Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 She's a rebound. It's not fair to her -- or to yourself -- to continue seeing her. If she continues to develop feelings for you, she's only going to be hurt by you. Drop her, tell her the truth and don't try to sugar-coat it. Tell her you were using her to get over your ex, let her hate your guts because it'll help her move on! PS: No more dating for a while. It was you I was reaching out to for a response with this ruby so thanks for the quick response. I did already tell her I don't want a relationship with her but I do enjoy her company. Even though I made this clear to her you still suggest not to even chill with her? I'm not going to use her for sex. When you say it's not fair on her, I totally get that if I was lying to her or sleeping with her but I'm not & that's the exact reason I told her I don't want a relationship. As for it not being fair on myself, Iv liked the attention & time with her so can you please explain further or in more detail how & when this will be detrimental to me. Thanks.
Ruby65 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 You're not using her for sex.... you're using her emotionally and that's just as bad, my friend. She's going to catch feelings for you -- whether you're sleeping together or not. So yeah, she's going to be hurt when you finally either meet someone else you want to date or when you finally feel strong enough so you no longer need her around to stroke your ego. See, it's not really all about *you*.... rebounds are a bad idea because they hurt *others*. You don't want to be the kind of guy who would go around hurting innocent people just so you could feel better about a breakup -- do you? Of course not. When you use rebounds to get over a breakup, you prevent yourself from fully grieving and healing from the breakup. Even if you dump this current girl and meet someone else in a few weeks and get involved with her.... you're preventing yourself from having truly HEALED from your breakup. So it's going to impact your new relationship in many unhealthy ways. It's going to make you bond super-fast to your new girlfriend, because what you're really doing is projecting all your feelings for your ex onto this new girl. Then in time you're looking at two scenarios: either new girl ends the relationship at some point... and you've then got TWO breakups to deal with, twice the pain all at once..... or the relationship continues to the point where you're over your ex and no longer NEEDING the rebound, at which point you realize you're not really in love anymore, that you were only using her to feel better.... at which point you end the relationship and SHE gets hurt. The odds of your having a great lasting healthy relationship so soon after your breakup are very very slim. Give it some time, heal and take on new projects and goals for now. Work on improving yourself. When you're really ready for dating again you'll know it. You'll *want* a new girlfriend... you won't *need* one to get over your ex. 4
soulforge2013 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Ruby's advice is excellent. been there, done that mate.. if you don't find her attractive.. it will never workout... you will end up hurting her... best to let her go
dangerbang Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 As discussed before, I broke up with a crazy but beautiful girl not long ago and I'm in a similar boat. I've looked online and I know it's hard to judge based on pictures but no one comes close to my ex looks wise. Like you, I would have walked a long time ago if she wasn't so pretty. I think it's something that we'll get over in time though. Based on what you've said you shouldn't get this girls hopes up and you should stop seeing her.
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