brinl Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Hey, Would love some feedback on my situation. I apologize in advance, as this is going to be a LONG one. So. Last week, I met a girl at a club. Yes, Red Flag #1. She came with a friend who is a friend of a friend of mine. We hit it off, got her number. Things went great that night. She went home that night with her friend. Then throughout the week we continued to text. She showed interest through her texts. However, they seem to me at times to be a bit "too flirty"? Skip to yesterday. We agreed to get together during the day to hang out. She had to delay an hour as she was "stuck in traffic". I don't blame her as it was 5pm on a weekday in Hong Kong. We got together, hung out, grab some food. I held her hand she hung on to me, I gave her a kiss here and there and things seemed great. We walked around, I made her laugh, I thought I was fairing pretty well. We were supposed to meet up with a few of my friends that night to go pre drinking at a bar, then after we were going to go to the same club where I met her the week before, as she had some friends who were going to be there that night as well. The bar was great, then skip to the club. We went in together, hands clasped together. She’s hanging on to me. No worries. My buddies had some trouble trying to secure our table at a club which took some time. She then said she was going to meet up with her friends first, which I said was cool and I sent her on her way. My buddies finally got the table, I shoot her a text letting her know of the area of our table. She replies promptly saying «* I’ll be there in a bit*» From my spot in the club, I could see her and her table. Note that, this is a pretty girl that I’m seeing. So I was not surprised to see a bunch of guys hitting on her. I found it quite funny and just continued to have fun with my friends and let her do her own thing. I look over here and there, most of the time she’s hanging out and talking with her best friend. Through out, I could see 2 significantly older guys in their mid 30’s desperately hitting on her and her friend. My girl did come over to my table to let me know of her presence and also introduced her friend to me. We hung out for a bit, and then she told she was going to be back as she proceeded to follow her friend back to that spot with the 2 guys. Now when they went back. At one point, 1 of them was holding her and what not. Now what kinda sucked, was that «*my girl*» seemed to reciprocating interest towards the guy. I’m not sure whether they kissed or not but that’s not my business as this girl and I are not dating. They seemed to be hitting it off. Eventually, she came back to me again. Stayed with me the entire night in the club. I tried to confront her about the situation in a light manner. I asked her who that guy was, and I jokingly told her to «*go back and flirt with him*some more*» just to see what kind of response she would give me. She told me that, he was a very good friend of her best friend, and that they have been friends for a long time, also that it was that guys birthday so she felt obligated to hang out with him. Long story short, I took her home that night. Sex was great. We chatted for a bit. I asked her lightly about the situation again at the club and she said the same thing. I was not worried about that guy as he was an old dog. She said she liked me a lot that night, but I couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol talking or not. Woke up this morning, hung out at my place. Talked, showed her some of my pictures from back home on my computer. She was happy to be with me, cuddled. As today is Mother’s day, we both had plans. She had plans and I had plans to go for dinner with our Moms. So we went for a walk downstairs, grabbed an ice cream, took a walk to the harbour. I kept reminding myself during this time that I shouldn’t get too close with this girl and I should remain detached, so before I sent her home on the subway, we hugged she gave me her cheek to kiss and gave me a small kiss but I half assed it. As I wasn’t sure what I should’ve done. Now. My question is that. I’m really confused about whether I should go for this girl. Note that we also have a pretty big age gap. She is 20, and I’m 24. So she’s right in her prime party age. She is a good girl, she’s in school to become a nurse. She’s not a gold digger, she seems quite down to earth. However, my gut instinct is telling me something else. She is young, and she likes to party, which I don’t blame her. Her best friend, is a hardcore clubber who’s always flirting with guys and going out with guys so I know I have to keep this in mind and she is her best friend. This girl wanted to have dinner with me tomorrow night after I got off work. But I have a odd feeling that she will bail on me. Not sure why I’m feeling this way. My intuition is telling me that I can’t trust this girl.. and I’m not sure why. She shows plenty of interest around me, even when around my friends and around her friends she’ll show interest. But why do I feel like I can’t trust this girl. I even told her straight up, that I couldn’t trust her and she felt offended.. What do I do? I am into this girl quite a bit. Note that, I'm only in Hong Kong for a couple months on a working holiday so she's aware of the fact that I won't be here for long. Does she only see this as a one night stand? What the hell do I do I feel guilty as I do take a peek at her phone while she's texting, she has quite a lot of guys chasing her. I do feel a bit jealous, but hey, whatever, it's human nature right. We don't have much to talk about when we're around each other as her english isn't great and my cantonese isn't great either, but we're comfortable even when we have nothing to say. Am I overthinking and/or overreacting? Someone please....advice? recommendations? smack some sense into me? Edited May 10, 2015 by brinl
joseb Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I even told her straight up, that I couldn’t trust her and she felt offended.. What do I do? I would be offended too. I feel guilty as I do take a peek at her phone while she's texting You need to stop doing that. Am I overthinking and/or overreacting? Someone please....advice? recommendations? smack some sense into me? You are taking this way too seriously. You say yourself you are only there for 2 months. Why all the seriousness? That said, if your gut is telling you no, and you don't feel comfortable with this girl (maybe she is just too hot and gets hit on too much for you, and she enjoys the attention too much?) then I'd give it a miss. 2
Author brinl Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 I would be offended too. You need to stop doing that. You are taking this way too seriously. You say yourself you are only there for 2 months. Why all the seriousness? That said, if your gut is telling you no, and you don't feel comfortable with this girl (maybe she is just too hot and gets hit on too much for you, and she enjoys the attention too much?) then I'd give it a miss. Im leaving in August, so I got a few months with her. Is it fine to date a girl who likes to have fun and party? Or am I just an insecure little bitch? I'm fine with her flirting with other dudes, its just if we start a short term relationship, I dont want her ****ing dudes while with me. You guys think this girl is into me, or is just****ing around with me?
Satu Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 She likes you. So far that's all you have. She's a single woman so she can text and meet up with anyone she wants to. You have no claim on her whatsoever. If thats not ok with you move on. 1
Author brinl Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) She likes you. So far that's all you have. She's a single woman so she can text and meet up with anyone she wants to. You have no claim on her whatsoever. If thats not ok with you move on. - I like her a lot. However I'm leaving in August "Why should we even bother?". - I'm now regretting the fact that we had sex literally on our first date..."What if that was too soon" First date - only after a week of knowing her. Does this make her an easy slut? She said to me she has only had sex with 1 other guy before.. - I'm thinking I should bail on the dinner tomorrow...as I've already spent the last 24 hours with her - I don't even know what I want anymore I feel like my mind is gonna ****ing explode....What should I do? P.S She rarely initiates texts.... Edited May 10, 2015 by brinl
SmartDude Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Stop being insecure and just have fun. Yea she may go off with another guy, but so what? You are there for 3 months. Just because something does not last does not mean that it can't be a good time.
Thermals Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 You like her, she likes you. You've been hanging out and having fun. Sex was good and you're going out again. It sounds like all is well. Try to forget about what happened in the club, for several reasons: first you barely knew her. Second, if you keep bringing it up with her you're going to end up pushing her away. And third, it seems to me that you're over analyzing it given the fact that you're going to be leaving Hong Kong in a couple of months. Does she know you're there until August? It sounds like she likes you and enjoys your company. This encounter could turn into a long term relationship or it could just end up being a fun few months that you will cherish forever. So have fun and enjoy the moment. But, remember to manage your expectations.
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I think you need to listen to your gut. For her to spend more time at the club with other men, knowing you can see her, tells me she's a game player in this for the attention.
preraph Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 It's because she's 20. She won't be ready to settle down anytime soon because she is only 20 and just beginning to live her own life. For all I know, she may still live at home, but the point it, she's got to explore for at least a few years before she's ready to pick a man to settle down with. She likes you. But you sound too jealous and like you want commitment (even though you just met, which is way too soon and unreasonable) and that's the last thing she is going to be able to do. So this is not a good match. If you want someone ready for an exclusive relationship, start dating 28 and up. She's just a girl about to embark on the best most social time of her life, and you will only come off as trying to drag her down and cage her. People at this age have to cut loose and explore. It's natural. It would be a red flag if they didn't.
GemmaUK Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Leave her be. You are already getting jealous when you have no right to get jealous as you are not in any kind of relationship. You are also thinking she is s slut for sleeping with you. It takes two to tango so if you are thinking this of her then you think this of yourself too, yes?
Dallers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Trust the gut feeling, always. It sounds like the beginning of a toxic relationship to me. It is not just a myth it is your subconscious talking to you and generating fear and anxiety because you are unknowingly walking into a bad situation. The little guy sitting on one shoulder knows the other little guy on the other shoulder (with the horns) is leading you astray.
Author brinl Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 Stop being insecure and just have fun. Yea she may go off with another guy, but so what? You are there for 3 months. Just because something does not last does not mean that it can't be a good time. Yeah...I know this is the case. I only feel like **** about this, because this girl is pretty dope. I want her to want me and miss me...is it my ego?
Author brinl Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 You like her, she likes you. You've been hanging out and having fun. Sex was good and you're going out again. It sounds like all is well. Try to forget about what happened in the club, for several reasons: first you barely knew her. Second, if you keep bringing it up with her you're going to end up pushing her away. And third, it seems to me that you're over analyzing it given the fact that you're going to be leaving Hong Kong in a couple of months. Does she know you're there until August? It sounds like she likes you and enjoys your company. This encounter could turn into a long term relationship or it could just end up being a fun few months that you will cherish forever. So have fun and enjoy the moment. But, remember to manage your expectations. Yeah she does know that I'm there only until August. In fact, I was talking to one of her friends...not her best friend. She asked me, if we were dating? I said, I didn't think so as it was only our first time hanging out, she told me that I was leaving so it wouldn't make sense to start one.... I also talked to "my girl" about this haha. I told her that once I left, to tell her to find a good kid like me...But she kept saying "no,no,no I'm not listening and I won't.. You haven't left yet". I guess you're right about managing my expectations. Nothing serious can come out of this yeah? I feel like i'm the idiot between her and I now.
Author brinl Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 I think you need to listen to your gut. For her to spend more time at the club with other men, knowing you can see her, tells me she's a game player in this for the attention. She did not know that I could I see her at the club. She didn't think I knew which table she was at. It can't be for attention now, can it?
Author brinl Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 If you guys were in my position....Would you still go about having a fun, no strings attached relationship, and be ok with her getting with other guys as well? Am I ruining a good thing? Should I bail out on dinner tonight? ****...I feel like a bitch made mother****er.
SmartDude Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 If you guys were in my position....Would you still go about having a fun, no strings attached relationship, and be ok with her getting with other guys as well? Am I ruining a good thing? Should I bail out on dinner tonight? ****...I feel like a bitch made mother****er. No one said it was going to be easy. Confronting and mastering your own jealousy will have benifits later on in life though for sure. See her as a person who has wants and needs of her own. Be happy about giving her freedom...She will appreciate it. Be prepared to feel the sting when you see her having fun with another dude. Expect it at any moment, yet enjoy the time you have with her.
neowulf Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 - I like her a lot. However I'm leaving in August "Why should we even bother?". - I'm now regretting the fact that we had sex literally on our first date..."What if that was too soon" First date - only after a week of knowing her. Does this make her an easy slut? She said to me she has only had sex with 1 other guy before.. - I'm thinking I should bail on the dinner tomorrow...as I've already spent the last 24 hours with her - I don't even know what I want anymore I feel like my mind is gonna ****ing explode....What should I do? P.S She rarely initiates texts.... Some people can "go with the flow" and just embrace the moment, knowing full well it's not going to last. Others are simply not built that way. You appear to be one of those people. It's perfectly normal and Ok to feel that way. I'm terrible at "just having fun" with a woman, as I'm usually more interested in steady, committed relationships than flings. What ever happens, be true to yourself. No matter what that looks like. If you don't think you can handle having a fling, then don't. There's no rule that says you need too. 1
Thermals Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 (edited) Nothing serious can come out of this yeah?. neowulf made an excellent point. You need to make the decision whether you can enjoy her company whenever you're with her, or whether it's going to do you more harm than good. You need to be comfortable with what you're doing and with your decision. In my early 20s, I was in a similar situation during my college days and opted to stay with her, hoping things would turn out well and that a serious relationship would develop. It didn't. But, in retrospect, I did enjoy the time we spent together. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize that I should have managed my expectations better at the time. I say that because I was heart broken for a few months after the semester ended and she went back to her ex boyfriend. I've been trying to work on that, by managing my expectations and enjoying the moment. I'm in my 30s now and I can tell you that it's been a work in progress for me. And, it's easier said than done. No need to feel like an idiot and be so hard on yourself. Again, you need to be comfortable with what you're doing and feel comfortable with your decision. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you won't feel any regret at some point down the road. Be content with your decision and stick to it. Edited May 11, 2015 by Thermals
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 She did not know that I could I see her at the club. She didn't think I knew which table she was at. It can't be for attention now, can it? You walked into the club together so she knew you were around. She liked the attention. Most 20 year olds do. However, if you think that he how she acted behind your back, that is even worse then throwing it in your face. She thinks she can get away with leading other men on under your nose. She is not LTR material. Sorry.
Author brinl Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Some people can "go with the flow" and just embrace the moment, knowing full well it's not going to last. Others are simply not built that way. You appear to be one of those people. It's perfectly normal and Ok to feel that way. I'm terrible at "just having fun" with a woman, as I'm usually more interested in steady, committed relationships than flings. What ever happens, be true to yourself. No matter what that looks like. If you don't think you can handle having a fling, then don't. There's no rule that says you need too. Thanks for the honest response. I have made my decision, I want to continue to have fun but I am going to have to tread carefully with my emotions. Today, she bailed on me. Her text said Hey " My chinese name", I can't come to dinner tonight because I have yoga class." I thought it was cute that she knew my chinese name...anyways. I thought that was a massive bull**** excuse, so I played it off..."Sure babe, whatever you gotta do" Then she sent me a video and pictures of her class, to my surprise.. ... Is this limerence that I am feeling? Causing me to overthink. I want to have fun with her, but I find that I am keeping myself from having fun.. Can someone just tell me how to let loose?
joseb Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Yeah...I know this is the case. I only feel like **** about this, because this girl is pretty dope. I want her to want me and miss me...is it my ego? Hoping to control what other people feel is a recipe for misery IMHO.
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