Night_Fox33 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Alright, I'll try to not make this too long. I'll probably get nagged at or a little hate for this anyways, but eh. It won't discourage me regardless. This is the oldest person I have ever dated before, and the, technically, fourth person I have ever dated. Yes, I realize that I probably don't have that much relationship experience nor life experience. But you never know. On the site (OkCupid), I have the age range set to 18-25. I didn't pay much attention to his age. He thought I was interesting from what he read on my very long "About Me", so we started talking. I found him a bit annoying at first and was thinking he was like every other guy on the site. I kept talking to him though, and came to realize that he really isn't as bad as I was making him seem. We have quite a bit in common, and we both find each other attractive and interesting. We're both looking for a serious, long term relationship. He hasn't been in a relationship for about 4 years, and all the women in his past relationships used him for sex, cheated on him, or found another guy. Personally, I hate people like that, and I would never do that to someone, because I know what it feels like to be cheated on. ((Also, he told me that he doesn't usually go after younger women, it's the younger women who go after him, and he also said that he usually doesn't like to talk to people at all, but he started talking to me because he sees potential in our relationship.)) I did eventually confess my real age to him since he asked, and I was going to tell him anyways. He said that age doesn't really matter to him much though, just as long as I love him and have real intents. We were going to wait a few days before getting together, but we went ahead and got together anyways. We've only been together for 3 days now, not very long. But we're trying to take things slow. He wants me to finish high school, which I do plan on doing. And if I don't end up graduating, I told him that I'll still get a GED so I can at least get a good job. I'm not worried too much about college or anything like that, I'm mostly trying to focus on right now. I know how most adults are. They want someone who is mature, responsible, can take care of themselves, has a job, is financially stable, etc. I'm not going to mooch off of him or rely on him to do everything. I know better than that. I have already told my dad about him (I live with my mom, so I told him all of this on Facebook). He told me that I can do anything I want when I'm 18, but for now I'm still his and my mom's responsibility. He and my mom are 10 years apart, but obviously they dated when my mom was of legal age. So, I assume he's letting me date the guy, but he doesn't want me getting sexual with him. Which, I can wait, I have no problem with it. And just a heads up, I have had sex before, but only with one person. I'm not crazy about sex, so it's not a big deal to wait. And the guy said he can wait too, because he's waited for 4 years, and keep waiting. He only lives 2 hours away from me, so not much problem in that. I will be getting a job this summer, as well as a car from one of my mom's friends, as soon as I get the money. I really do think that he and I do have a chance, and the age isn't getting in the way of us. He makes me very happy, and he's very sweet and loving. Neither of us want children, which is good. Tell me what you think.
joseb Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 He hasn't been in a relationship for about 4 years, and all the women in his past relationships used him for sex, cheated on him, or found another guy. I'm going to leave out the age thing - I'll let others comment. But one thing I picked up is the quote above. If someone says that ALL their exes were bad, this is a big red flag. 4
GemmaUK Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I'm going to leave out the age thing - I'll let others comment. But one thing I picked up is the quote above. If someone says that ALL their exes were bad, this is a big red flag. Ditto to that. I would run a mile from anyone who blamed all of their exes. He's no doubt a total charmer at the moment, won't be long before jealousy and possessiveness come into play though.
ascendotum Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) I'm going to leave out the age thing - I'll let others comment. But one thing I picked up is the quote above. If someone says that ALL their exes were bad, this is a big red flag. I agree with this. They're are attracted to drama/crappy people or they play a big part in the collapse of the relationship and they are exaggerating for sympathy or to explain why they cant seem to stay long in a relationship. As for the age gap, I'm not sure what the problem is apart from not upsetting your mother & father, if they were to ever know what you get up to with your bf. Wow I just read that the age of consent in some parts of america is 18. Edited May 10, 2015 by ascendotum 1
regine_phalange Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I admit that like jose I also don't like the fact that all his exes were 'bad'. It's usual to have an ex or two who were awful, but if everyone was bad it probably shows someone with a victim mentality or someone who holds grudges for a long time and isn't forgiving. I've dated two people with victim mentality. The one was harmless and probably truly felt like a victim, but the other one used the pity of others (girlfriends and friends) as a tool to manipulate them. With a lot of success I have to admit. So keep an eye on that. If he starts saying "you're like all the others!" run. But even if this isn't the case, expect to have communication difficulties with someone who's always the victim and also a bit of controlling attitude. Another thing. Don't make plans for the future yet, other than where to go for a coffee date or food. Keep a level head. It's none of his business what you do with your school or how you work. Please keep that boundary clear, and also keep an eye on any comments regarding changing your appearance, your hobbies, your friends. Some men want younger women because they're easier to manipulate and put in a mould. Take whatever he says with a grain of salt. And always question people who hurry too much to enter a relationship. Take it slow and keep your eyes and mind open. And listen to your gut. Let us know how it goes! 1
madjac74 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Take time for yourself. You don't need anyone at your age
veggirl Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 what a creep. no grown ass man should be dating a teenager. what do you have in common? wait...are you by any chance mature for your age? ugh sorry but when you are a grown adult you'll realize how gross this situation is and what a perv and/or social loser this guy is. also, at 17, what is your end goal here? do you want to get married in the near future or something? you know the people who marry at 20 are the ones divorced by the time they are 30 right? sorry to be a debbie downer but really... 2
loveweary11 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Do whatever you feel like doing. If it's good, it may last. If it ends up not being good, you can always break up. Just like with anyone else. We all experiment around a little with dating different types of people. You can try pretty much anything. And yeah, to protect him, be sure not to hook up yet, because TN is a state with 18 as age of consent. Age of Consent and Statutory Rape Laws by State
Omei Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) When I was 17 I dated my first long term bf in his mid twenties, he turned out to be my five year abuser. The only thing I have to say is tread lightly and be weary a lot of men will take on young girls in relationships because they have no experience they're sometimes naive and this allows them to manipulate things to their liking or because their young they will accept things that shouldn't be accepted. It is very odd when men want to date teens I usually find this happens when woman their ages wont accept them for whatever reason so they fall back to younger more naive girls that will put up with them. When I was 25 (im older now) looking back at 17 I had matured by vast amounts. Just keep your eyes peeled But I also notice you said you eventually *confessed* your age....so in the beginning did he believe he was speaking to someone in his own age bracket ? Edited May 10, 2015 by Omei 2
introverted1 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 He said that age doesn't really matter to him much though, just as long as I love him and have real intents. We were going to wait a few days before getting together, but we went ahead and got together anyways. We've only been together for 3 days now, You've been together for 3 days and you are already talking about love? This is a bad sign, imo, possibly even worse than the 11-year age difference. 2
Maleficent Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I'm going to agree with the rest of the posters. When I was 17 I thought I was all mature and **** but looking back, I really wasn't. A 10 years difference between partners is fine when the youngest is in midtwenties. Anything younger, I would be worried about the older partner's intention. But since you're probably going to go for it anyways, I'm going to suggest only two things to suggest. 1) wait until you are 18 if you want to avoid any kind of legal trouble for him. This also has the bonus of allowing to know what his intentions are. If he's willing to wait = good. If he was just in it for the sex and to have an easy to manipulate partner, he'll walk. 2) Look out for any sign of abuse. Research it. Be ready to WALK as soon as he shows signs of abuse/control. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I think the age gap is too big. You're at very different stages in your lives, and that would cause problems in and of itself. There's something odd about a man who goes after teenagers. So that's the first issue. Secondly, as the others said, people who have placed the blame of the demise of their previous relationships entirely on "crazy" exes are usually the ones not being honest. I don't mean that the exes are saints, but I would bet a let of money on the fact that this guy is downplaying his role in the break-ups. That's a warning sign. Thirdly, it is far too early to be talking about love. That shouldn't even be registering yet. Combining all of these factors together, I think you would be wise to stay single and enjoy your young adult-hood. 1
carhill Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 This is the oldest person I have ever dated before, and the, technically, fourth person I have ever dated. Yes, I realize that I probably don't have that much relationship experience nor life experience. But you never know. Welcome to LS and, since you've dated three guys prior, continue meeting and dating guys and, over time, if this one rises to the top, he does. Since both of you state you're not in a rush to have sex, if that decision holds, the legalities part is inapplicable. What remains is synergy and verification of statements, like those regarding ex'es. If he's truly a good guy who ran into some horrible exes, it'll become evident over time. No rush. Date other guys for comparison. Good luck!
Redhead14 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Alright, I'll try to not make this too long. I'll probably get nagged at or a little hate for this anyways, but eh. It won't discourage me regardless. This is the oldest person I have ever dated before, and the, technically, fourth person I have ever dated. Yes, I realize that I probably don't have that much relationship experience nor life experience. But you never know. On the site (OkCupid), I have the age range set to 18-25. I didn't pay much attention to his age. He thought I was interesting from what he read on my very long "About Me", so we started talking. I found him a bit annoying at first and was thinking he was like every other guy on the site. I kept talking to him though, and came to realize that he really isn't as bad as I was making him seem. We have quite a bit in common, and we both find each other attractive and interesting. We're both looking for a serious, long term relationship. He hasn't been in a relationship for about 4 years, and all the women in his past relationships used him for sex, cheated on him, or found another guy. Personally, I hate people like that, and I would never do that to someone, because I know what it feels like to be cheated on. ((Also, he told me that he doesn't usually go after younger women, it's the younger women who go after him, and he also said that he usually doesn't like to talk to people at all, but he started talking to me because he sees potential in our relationship.)) I did eventually confess my real age to him since he asked, and I was going to tell him anyways. He said that age doesn't really matter to him much though, just as long as I love him and have real intents. We were going to wait a few days before getting together, but we went ahead and got together anyways. We've only been together for 3 days now, not very long. But we're trying to take things slow. He wants me to finish high school, which I do plan on doing. And if I don't end up graduating, I told him that I'll still get a GED so I can at least get a good job. I'm not worried too much about college or anything like that, I'm mostly trying to focus on right now. I know how most adults are. They want someone who is mature, responsible, can take care of themselves, has a job, is financially stable, etc. I'm not going to mooch off of him or rely on him to do everything. I know better than that. I have already told my dad about him (I live with my mom, so I told him all of this on Facebook). He told me that I can do anything I want when I'm 18, but for now I'm still his and my mom's responsibility. He and my mom are 10 years apart, but obviously they dated when my mom was of legal age. So, I assume he's letting me date the guy, but he doesn't want me getting sexual with him. Which, I can wait, I have no problem with it. And just a heads up, I have had sex before, but only with one person. I'm not crazy about sex, so it's not a big deal to wait. And the guy said he can wait too, because he's waited for 4 years, and keep waiting. He only lives 2 hours away from me, so not much problem in that. I will be getting a job this summer, as well as a car from one of my mom's friends, as soon as I get the money. I really do think that he and I do have a chance, and the age isn't getting in the way of us. He makes me very happy, and he's very sweet and loving. Neither of us want children, which is good. Tell me what you think. It won't discourage me regardless. -- Asking for advice or opinions and negating them in the first line, tells me that you are not as mature as you think. But Ok. Everything you said above is nothing more than "parroting" what you may have seen on dating sites about how to date/get a man/have a relationship. And those conversations you've had with him about all those things were likely driven by him and you "agreeing" with it because you like him. You cannot possibly know what you want for yourself at this point in your life for your future. he started talking to me because he sees potential in our relationship -- He said this after only chatting online with you? He couldn't possibly see potential without having spent time with you for a while. He's what they call blow-torching you. He's pumping you up, talking about a future, coming on strong very early and after a while, he will either fade away or simply move on to someone else. And, adults who are serious about finding a long-term relationship don't start planning a future with someone after only 3 days of in person meetings and some social media contact. An adult who does that, is an immature adult or may be trying to take advantage of a 17 year old woman. Just because he said he can wait for sex, doesn't mean he will. He will tell you whatever he thinks you need to hear and will be very patient until he gets what he wants. I'd be very careful with him. Don't have sex with him for quite sometime. Make sure he is consistent with contacting you, and consistent in dating you. Make sure he treats you with respect at all times. The first time he does or says anything that makes you uncomfortable in any way, you back off immediately. You should not trust this man yet. Be very very careful. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 OP Let me just chime in, right now at 17 you're in high school about to enter college, dating someone that old might not be able to relate to you as well and what you're going through. Why not date someone you go to school with and just enjoy the ride through life?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Alright, I'll try to not make this too long. I'll probably get nagged at or a little hate for this anyways, but eh. It won't discourage me regardless. This is the oldest person I have ever dated before, and the, technically, fourth person I have ever dated. Yes, I realize that I probably don't have that much relationship experience nor life experience. But you never know. On the site (OkCupid), I have the age range set to 18-25. I didn't pay much attention to his age. He thought I was interesting from what he read on my very long "About Me", so we started talking. I found him a bit annoying at first and was thinking he was like every other guy on the site. I kept talking to him though, and came to realize that he really isn't as bad as I was making him seem. We have quite a bit in common, and we both find each other attractive and interesting. We're both looking for a serious, long term relationship. He hasn't been in a relationship for about 4 years, and all the women in his past relationships used him for sex, cheated on him, or found another guy. Personally, I hate people like that, and I would never do that to someone, because I know what it feels like to be cheated on. ((Also, he told me that he doesn't usually go after younger women, it's the younger women who go after him, and he also said that he usually doesn't like to talk to people at all, but he started talking to me because he sees potential in our relationship.)) I did eventually confess my real age to him since he asked, and I was going to tell him anyways. He said that age doesn't really matter to him much though, just as long as I love him and have real intents. We were going to wait a few days before getting together, but we went ahead and got together anyways. We've only been together for 3 days now, not very long. But we're trying to take things slow. He wants me to finish high school, which I do plan on doing. And if I don't end up graduating, I told him that I'll still get a GED so I can at least get a good job. I'm not worried too much about college or anything like that, I'm mostly trying to focus on right now. I know how most adults are. They want someone who is mature, responsible, can take care of themselves, has a job, is financially stable, etc. I'm not going to mooch off of him or rely on him to do everything. I know better than that. I have already told my dad about him (I live with my mom, so I told him all of this on Facebook). He told me that I can do anything I want when I'm 18, but for now I'm still his and my mom's responsibility. He and my mom are 10 years apart, but obviously they dated when my mom was of legal age. So, I assume he's letting me date the guy, but he doesn't want me getting sexual with him. Which, I can wait, I have no problem with it. And just a heads up, I have had sex before, but only with one person. I'm not crazy about sex, so it's not a big deal to wait. And the guy said he can wait too, because he's waited for 4 years, and keep waiting. He only lives 2 hours away from me, so not much problem in that. I will be getting a job this summer, as well as a car from one of my mom's friends, as soon as I get the money. I really do think that he and I do have a chance, and the age isn't getting in the way of us. He makes me very happy, and he's very sweet and loving. Neither of us want children, which is good. Tell me what you think. I think, that I'm going by the letter of the (local) law - no matter where you live. In m-m-m-m-m-m-most U.S. states, the legal age of consent is sixteen, so if you happen to be in one of those states, then the door is open. If we spent half the time judging people by arbitrary and made-up standards for voting that we do for having sex, it would be absolutely laughable!! It was only as recently as July 1, 1971 that the (U.S.) nation-wide voting age was changed from "21" to "18"... and can you imagine the stupidity that would have ensued had people then gathered at websites to scorn people who were age 19 or 20 at the time over voting that they were legally doing? As for the psychological effects on a 17yo who is dating and having sex with a 28yo, it takes up too much time to delicately explain that it's really OK that the 17yo is drawn like crazy to, and flattered BY the attention... while at the same time it prooooooooobably exposes some significant flaws in a guy of 28 who is drawn TO a 17yo. It's just... too much writing for me (but you can find it in one of my not that terribly long ago posts here). If you and he moved in together next door to me - I would have zero problems with it, relating to your respective ages. At some point we have to just believe in the law, and let it work for us. (the only respectable action by those who don't believe in the law is to go through the proper channels to alter those laws, as most anybody can do!)
lucy_in_disguise Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 OP, you state you are not that concerned with college right now. Why not? If you want a good life school should be yoir focus right now... not meeting these almost-30 dudes on POF. Also a GED does not equate to a good job. You need to go to college (and most likely grad school) to get a good job. No attractive successful 28-year old man with options would continue talking to a girl online after finding out she is just a teen. You are (or should be) on different pages. If you are on the same page I would think long and hard about why.
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