Dating a man going through a divorce... going crazy

[lillyz]

My situation:

 

 

First guy in two years I've been interested in getting serious with after starting out casual this past December... the circumstances are pretty complex and difficult, as he's been in the process of divorce for almost a year, and has his young son half the time who he is very attentive with (I am glad he is). He was the one who from the beginning tried to turn the relationship with me more serious.. wanting public displays of affection early on.. wanting to introduce me to his close friends.. creating cute nicknames for me... checking in on me all the time.. doing things to help me out.. planning vacations together/plans for the future (we have been on three weekend trips together so far)... talking about how if this works out, he could see himself having a family with me, etc.etc.

 

I resisted a lot of the 'future talk' in the beginning, as I wanted to take things slow, but I eventually started to fall for him big time. Our chemistry is amazing, our connection incredible, our communication very fluid, and our compatibility really great - we want the same things in our lives.

 

Recently, as I expected might happen, he hasn't had as much energy/time for me. Complications with his life circumstances that are both major and unavoidable (divorce complications, moving to a different part of the city, having his son more often, work stress), but it is unclear when things will settle down enough to where he can focus on a relationship. I believe I have been very understanding and accommodating. But over the past month or two, I've started to feel neglected enough that I brought it up, and he told me he agreed - that he wished he could give me what I need in a relationship and that it is unfair to me right now, that he hopes he can in the near future, and asked me what I thought we should do about it. He said he is afraid of my being snatched up by another man, and is crazy about me, but wants to be fair to me as well and that he just doesn't have the capacity at the moment to be fully present.

 

I suggested we plan at least two date nights a week where we can see each other, and then open the relationship up for now, because I can't just put our relationship on hold for an undefined amount of time, while not getting my needs met. He reluctantly agreed. This was a few days ago. I'm already going crazy. I feel like the reason we are doing this is because he doesn't have enough time for me, but the thought of dating other people in addition to our relationship (so that I don't "put all my eggs in one basket", as the saying goes) is making me sick to my stomach.

 

I don't know 100% that he is the right man for me, but we've had so much momentum building where things felt really, really right and we've opened up, and been so vulnerable and loving with each other. When we are able to be present with each other, our connection is incredible. But twice a week of connection doesn't work for me long-term and I feel like after five months of dating, I should be able to be more of a priority in his life without asking to be.

 

I'm also at a point in my life where I'm ready to build a solid relationship with someone and eventually have a family, and I feel skeptical that a man going through a divorce could genuinely be ready to work hard on all the communication it takes to truly start a new one... I mean, how could he? He's stated he's still a bit wounded and cynical about commitment again - understandably - while finalizing his divorce - but he's hoping he will be ready soon. 'Hoping'...

 

 

I honestly don't know what to do. Has anyone been in a situation similar? I feel we have what it takes to have a long-lasting relationship, but I am so afraid of showing him what my needs are, because I don't want to add any more stress to him in his life. I then feel resentful and unappreciated. I really yearn to love right now, and to be in a committed, loving relationship. I have no idea how to build on that with him, while also being open to other people. When we met, I was single and pretty happy - now, I am feeling more lonely and scared than ever.

 

So hard to be articulate about this. We are trying the twice a week thing, but I can't get over my sadness when we're together - it's been so hard lately for me to be my usual joyful self with him. I actually resent how much time/energy he gave me in the beginning, because he set it up as if that was what he wanted to continue to do, and now he doesn't have that time/energy - we now have to schedule it in, and I feel like I'm the one making sure we set aside the time. I feel completely stuck, and I also feel taken for granted.

 

We could potentially take a 'break', but how on earth does that work, when two people care for each other? Cut off all contact? This is crazy. This 'open' relationship idea just isn't going to work either, I'm afraid. I feel like there are no good choices.

 

I know many people may say to just break it all off. That is another option. But I haven't loved anyone this hard in over two years, and he's expressed the same to me. I don't want to ask anything of him that is unrealistic, but I also can't keep things the way they are, where I get his leftover energy and feel neglected in-between. I'm keeping myself busy - I have a good life - but the fact that our time together has become less and less consistent is making feel crazy.

 

Thanks to anyone who read this far. If you have any empathetic words of wisdom, thank you.

Edited May 10, 2015 by lillyz

[madjac74]

All I did was read the title and it blared "walk away!"

[lillyz]

Hah. No doubt. Had I known this before our first date, I wouldn't have gone out with him. He told me his circumstances on our first date, and if we hadn't had so much chemistry, I would have promptly walked away. Unfortunately, I really liked him (yeah, I know that sentence sounds crazy).

 

Ayayay. If it doesn't work out, I'll definitely be saying 'no' in the future to anyone going through a divorce.

[madjac74]

I've been through the divorce. I know how stupid we act. Save yourself

[Toodaloo]

Been there, done that, got my heart smashed in the process...

 

Here is what you do.

 

You stop laying down ground rules and limitations on how often you see each other.

 

You face up to the fact that he is going through some really heavy emotional s*** right now. Even if he doesn't want to be with his wife and has accepted it all the motions of getting the divorce etc are going to be nothing short of brutal on him.

 

You go and get some new hobbies, you paint your toe nails and you stay single for a bit and leave him be to sort his life out and get to a better place. If you are both ready again at the same time great. If not move on.

 

He is already showing the signs mine did...

 

It is rare that these situations work out well.

 

Do not fool yourself into believing you are the exception.

[endlessabyss]

Looks like you may have been a distraction to take some of the pain away from his divorce.

 

You will always come second to his child.

 

You sound like you need to be at the center of a man's attention, so I would suggest moving on.

 

You will never be that to him.

[lillyz]

Been there, done that, got my heart smashed in the process...

 

Here is what you do.

 

You stop laying down ground rules and limitations on how often you see each other.

 

You face up to the fact that he is going through some really heavy emotional s*** right now. Even if he doesn't want to be with his wife and has accepted it all the motions of getting the divorce etc are going to be nothing short of brutal on him.

 

You go and get some new hobbies, you paint your toe nails and you stay single for a bit and leave him be to sort his life out and get to a better place. If you are both ready again at the same time great. If not move on.

 

He is already showing the signs mine did...

 

It is rare that these situations work out well.

 

Do not fool yourself into believing you are the exception.

 

 

 

Toodaloo, thank you for your words of advice here, having been through something similar yourself.

 

While every situation is of course a bit different, where I'm confused is what it would mean for our communication in the here and now if I were to become single again - would this mean cutting off all contact? Taking a few weeks break, or a few months? What would it mean for him to be 'ready' again?

 

There are plenty of things to keep myself busy as a single lady, but if that includes flirting/dating again separate from this guy, what would that mean for his and my connection now?

 

I guess I'm asking if you are suggesting cutting off all contact or not. We've become so close emotionally, that I'm not sure how this would be possible unless I were ending it for good.

[Gaeta]

T

I guess I'm asking if you are suggesting cutting off all contact or not. We've become so close emotionally, that I'm not sure how this would be possible unless I were ending it for good.

 

You've only been dating for 5 months, it will sting but no one is gonna die from ending this relationship. It will be like pulling a band-aid off, it will hurt but not for long and you will be glad you pull it off in one shot instead of pulling it off bit by bit.

 

He is not properly out of a relationship, he needs to spend time on his own and concentrate on rebuilding himself. He is not ready to give you a proper relationship and he won't be ready either with the next one and the next one SO don't stand by! When he's ready to date properly I assure you at 99.99% it won't be with you. You're the band-aid girl.

[Popsicle]

I've been through divorce, I would wait it out. I wouldn't want to be really close to him while he goes through this process though. I don't like how many people act during divorce, so I'd rather not see that side of him. I'd distance myself a bit but still hang in there and have hope. Maybe be a friend and sometime companion. If he takes more than a year to divorce though, I'd walk. That's too long to wait.

[Popsicle]

 

I suggested we plan at least two date nights a week where we can see each other, and then open the relationship up for now..

 

Do you have kids? (it sounds like you don't)

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo, thank you for your words of advice here, having been through something similar yourself.

 

While every situation is of course a bit different, where I'm confused is what it would mean for our communication in the here and now if I were to become single again - would this mean cutting off all contact? Taking a few weeks break, or a few months? What would it mean for him to be 'ready' again?

 

There are plenty of things to keep myself busy as a single lady, but if that includes flirting/dating again separate from this guy, what would that mean for his and my connection now?

 

I guess I'm asking if you are suggesting cutting off all contact or not. We've become so close emotionally, that I'm not sure how this would be possible unless I were ending it for good.

 

In my situation we had been friends for a long time and it hadn't even crossed our minds as we were both in long term and committed relationships. He married, I was living with someone.

 

Over the course of around a month and a half we became very close. I know this sounds stupid but he awakened my heart and made me realise I could love fully and deeply again. He is only the second man I have ever felt that way about. We were close. Very close. The mental and physical sides were both amazing. He knows things about me that only the minutest handful of people know.

 

No one who knows us both is aware of what transpired between us. We felt it important, 1. he is just separated and not divorced 2. I am very close to his daughter and if it didn't work out we didn't want that affected and so on and so forth. So while not a "secret" as such we kept our private time private.

 

Then it came. He was stressed, he was tired from work. He needed a break as his head was a mess.

 

Since then he has been going through hell. Believe you me it is extraordinarily painful for me to watch. It also hurts like hell because his daughter uses me as a sounding board as I am one of the only adults that has been rock steady and she can trust. I saw him last week and he is a mess. His eyes are dead. He was skinny before but now... Just writing this and trying to describe it is making me feel sick, lost and bringing tears.

 

I have seen this with other men going through divorce. Even those who are "over" their wives and have no intention of ever reconciling go through hell. It is very painful for them and men seem to fare far worse, emotionally than women in these situations. They do not cope with it well.

 

You must protect yourself because otherwise you are going to go through your own nervous break down. Just because you are single does not mean that you have to date others. I have been trying and to be honest its not that great. You can go and get hobbies. Concentrate on looking after yourself and setting yourself goals and working towards those.

 

What happens after is anyones guess. I still catch my guy looking at me. Every now and then he steals a touch and I can tell you now those touches are like electric zinging through me. I wish he would talk to me about it but he can't, because he just can't deal with it.

 

Your guy is going to need time to process everything that is going on. In some ways you are lucky as his divorce appears to be on far better grounds that the guy I was involved in. The only thing you can do is back off and give him the time to deal with it. It doesn't have to mean the end but it may well do. So you need to be in a strong place to deal with that. The other thing you need to be very wary of is that often men going through this use you as a rebound. They don't mean to, they have no idea that is what they are doing but when it boils down to it that is what it is.

 

Protect yourself. You could be hurting for a long time. Good luck OP. I hope this goes well for you.

[elaine567]

My situation:

 

 

First guy in two years I've been interested in getting serious with after starting out casual this past December... the circumstances are pretty complex and difficult, as he's been in the process of divorce for almost a year, and has his young son half the time who he is very attentive with (I am glad he is). He was the one who from the beginning tried to turn the relationship with me more serious.. wanting public displays of affection early on.. wanting to introduce me to his close friends.. creating cute nicknames for me... checking in on me all the time.. doing things to help me out.. planning vacations together/plans for the future (we have been on three weekend trips together so far)... talking about how if this works out, he could see himself having a family with me, etc.etc.

 

I resisted a lot of the 'future talk' in the beginning, as I wanted to take things slow, but I eventually started to fall for him big time. Our chemistry is amazing, our connection incredible, our communication very fluid, and our compatibility really great - we want the same things in our lives.

 

Recently, as I expected might happen, he hasn't had as much energy/time for me.

 

When a person separates or is newly divorced they are one half of a couple, set adrift.

They still want to BE part of a couple.

 

So when they meet someone else, they see them as the other half of their "couple". So it all moves very fast, it is all very comfortable, they think, " Wow! divorce is easy, I have replaced one with another."

BUT once the initial euphoria is past, they realise the new person is NOT their other half reincarnated; the new person is NOT a better version of their other half, they are a person in their own right and that is when the stepping back and the reassessing of the situation starts.

 

For the "single" person in the equation, they think they have found their soulmate, because from the get-go is it all so easy; all so comfortable.

There are no single man/single woman games to be played or walls to be hurdled or bashed down.

Suddenly they find themselves in an intense couple relationship. It is like coming home, there is a ready made cluster of friends and family, there is a future of happy days and holidays ahead...

 

This man is not the usual commitment-phobic singleton, women tend to moan about. To the single person looking for a LTR, he is better than that, he already knows how to be in a proper relationship, he is proven husband and father material;

"He can be my husband and the father of my children."

What's not to like?

 

The "divorcee" is in also in a highly emotional state, so all his emotions, feelings and innermost thoughts can spill out easily and that builds an emotional connection.

At last! A man with a heart and feelings.

"He is hurt, yes, but I can fix him."

For the single person it feels like they have known this person for years, and they in turn also open up their heart, and it is all just soooo good.

Until it isn't...

[Toodaloo]

The "divorcee" is in also in a highly emotional state, so all his emotions, feelings and innermost thoughts can spill out easily and that builds an emotional connection.

At last! A man with a heart and feelings.

"He is hurt, yes, but I can fix him."

For the single person it feels like they have known this person for years, and they in turn also open up their heart, and it is all just soooo good.

Until it isn't...

 

Just highlighting this bit of Elaines post.

 

Its harsh but true...

[elaine567]

Just highlighting this bit of Elaines post.

 

Its harsh but true...

 

Been there, got the T-shirt.

[Toodaloo]

Been there, got the T-shirt.

 

Oooh there is a whole big club of us all with T shirts too! Its swiftly becoming a convention!

 

Perhaps instead of tea parties we could have "Why separated men are rotters parties"...

 

Let me guess you don't want to burn yours at the stake either...

[Popsicle]

In my situation we had been friends for a long time and it hadn't even crossed our minds as we were both in long term and committed relationships. He married, I was living with someone.

 

Over the course of around a month and a half we became very close. I know this sounds stupid but he awakened my heart and made me realise I could love fully and deeply again. He is only the second man I have ever felt that way about. We were close. Very close. The mental and physical sides were both amazing. He knows things about me that only the minutest handful of people know.

 

No one who knows us both is aware of what transpired between us. We felt it important, 1. he is just separated and not divorced 2. I am very close to his daughter and if it didn't work out we didn't want that affected and so on and so forth. So while not a "secret" as such we kept our private time private.

 

Then it came. He was stressed, he was tired from work. He needed a break as his head was a mess.

 

Since then he has been going through hell. Believe you me it is extraordinarily painful for me to watch. It also hurts like hell because his daughter uses me as a sounding board as I am one of the only adults that has been rock steady and she can trust. I saw him last week and he is a mess. His eyes are dead. He was skinny before but now... Just writing this and trying to describe it is making me feel sick, lost and bringing tears.

 

I have seen this with other men going through divorce. Even those who are "over" their wives and have no intention of ever reconciling go through hell. It is very painful for them and men seem to fare far worse, emotionally than women in these situations. They do not cope with it well.

 

You must protect yourself because otherwise you are going to go through your own nervous break down. Just because you are single does not mean that you have to date others. I have been trying and to be honest its not that great. You can go and get hobbies. Concentrate on looking after yourself and setting yourself goals and working towards those.

 

What happens after is anyones guess. I still catch my guy looking at me. Every now and then he steals a touch and I can tell you now those touches are like electric zinging through me. I wish he would talk to me about it but he can't, because he just can't deal with it.

 

Your guy is going to need time to process everything that is going on. In some ways you are lucky as his divorce appears to be on far better grounds that the guy I was involved in. The only thing you can do is back off and give him the time to deal with it. It doesn't have to mean the end but it may well do. So you need to be in a strong place to deal with that. The other thing you need to be very wary of is that often men going through this use you as a rebound. They don't mean to, they have no idea that is what they are doing but when it boils down to it that is what it is.

 

Protect yourself. You could be hurting for a long time. Good luck OP. I hope this goes well for you.

 

Thank you for writing this.

When a person separates or is newly divorced they are one half of a couple, set adrift.

They still want to BE part of a couple.

 

So when they meet someone else, they see them as the other half of their "couple". So it all moves very fast, it is all very comfortable, they think, " Wow! divorce is easy, I have replaced one with another."

BUT once the initial euphoria is past, they realise the new person is NOT their other half reincarnated; the new person is NOT a better version of their other half, they are a person in their own right and that is when the stepping back and the reassessing of the situation starts.

 

For the "single" person in the equation, they think they have found their soulmate, because from the get-go is it all so easy; all so comfortable.

There are no single man/single woman games to be played or walls to be hurdled or bashed down.

Suddenly they find themselves in an intense couple relationship. It is like coming home, there is a ready made cluster of friends and family, there is a future of happy days and holidays ahead...

 

This man is not the usual commitment-phobic singleton, women tend to moan about. To the single person looking for a LTR, he is better than that, he already knows how to be in a proper relationship, he is proven husband and father material;

"He can be my husband and the father of my children."

What's not to like?

 

The "divorcee" is in also in a highly emotional state, so all his emotions, feelings and innermost thoughts can spill out easily and that builds an emotional connection.

At last! A man with a heart and feelings.

"He is hurt, yes, but I can fix him."

For the single person it feels like they have known this person for years, and they in turn also open up their heart, and it is all just soooo good.

Until it isn't...

 

And this too!

Edited May 11, 2015 by Popsicle

[beyond]

My situation:

 

 

First guy in two years I've been interested in getting serious with after starting out casual this past December... the circumstances are pretty complex and difficult, as he's been in the process of divorce for almost a year, and has his young son half the time who he is very attentive with (I am glad he is). He was the one who from the beginning tried to turn the relationship with me more serious.. wanting public displays of affection early on.. wanting to introduce me to his close friends.. creating cute nicknames for me... checking in on me all the time.. doing things to help me out.. planning vacations together/plans for the future (we have been on three weekend trips together so far)... talking about how if this works out, he could see himself having a family with me, etc.etc.

 

I resisted a lot of the 'future talk' in the beginning, as I wanted to take things slow, but I eventually started to fall for him big time. Our chemistry is amazing, our connection incredible, our communication very fluid, and our compatibility really great - we want the same things in our lives.

 

Recently, as I expected might happen, he hasn't had as much energy/time for me. Complications with his life circumstances that are both major and unavoidable (divorce complications, moving to a different part of the city, having his son more often, work stress), but it is unclear when things will settle down enough to where he can focus on a relationship. I believe I have been very understanding and accommodating. But over the past month or two, I've started to feel neglected enough that I brought it up, and he told me he agreed - that he wished he could give me what I need in a relationship and that it is unfair to me right now, that he hopes he can in the near future, and asked me what I thought we should do about it. He said he is afraid of my being snatched up by another man, and is crazy about me, but wants to be fair to me as well and that he just doesn't have the capacity at the moment to be fully present.

 

I suggested we plan at least two date nights a week where we can see each other, and then open the relationship up for now, because I can't just put our relationship on hold for an undefined amount of time, while not getting my needs met. He reluctantly agreed. This was a few days ago. I'm already going crazy. I feel like the reason we are doing this is because he doesn't have enough time for me, but the thought of dating other people in addition to our relationship (so that I don't "put all my eggs in one basket", as the saying goes) is making me sick to my stomach.

 

I don't know 100% that he is the right man for me, but we've had so much momentum building where things felt really, really right and we've opened up, and been so vulnerable and loving with each other. When we are able to be present with each other, our connection is incredible. But twice a week of connection doesn't work for me long-term and I feel like after five months of dating, I should be able to be more of a priority in his life without asking to be.

 

I'm also at a point in my life where I'm ready to build a solid relationship with someone and eventually have a family, and I feel skeptical that a man going through a divorce could genuinely be ready to work hard on all the communication it takes to truly start a new one... I mean, how could he? He's stated he's still a bit wounded and cynical about commitment again - understandably - while finalizing his divorce - but he's hoping he will be ready soon. 'Hoping'...

 

 

I honestly don't know what to do. Has anyone been in a situation similar? I feel we have what it takes to have a long-lasting relationship, but I am so afraid of showing him what my needs are, because I don't want to add any more stress to him in his life. I then feel resentful and unappreciated. I really yearn to love right now, and to be in a committed, loving relationship. I have no idea how to build on that with him, while also being open to other people. When we met, I was single and pretty happy - now, I am feeling more lonely and scared than ever.

 

So hard to be articulate about this. We are trying the twice a week thing, but I can't get over my sadness when we're together - it's been so hard lately for me to be my usual joyful self with him. I actually resent how much time/energy he gave me in the beginning, because he set it up as if that was what he wanted to continue to do, and now he doesn't have that time/energy - we now have to schedule it in, and I feel like I'm the one making sure we set aside the time. I feel completely stuck, and I also feel taken for granted.

 

We could potentially take a 'break', but how on earth does that work, when two people care for each other? Cut off all contact? This is crazy. This 'open' relationship idea just isn't going to work either, I'm afraid. I feel like there are no good choices.

 

I know many people may say to just break it all off. That is another option. But I haven't loved anyone this hard in over two years, and he's expressed the same to me. I don't want to ask anything of him that is unrealistic, but I also can't keep things the way they are, where I get his leftover energy and feel neglected in-between. I'm keeping myself busy - I have a good life - but the fact that our time together has become less and less consistent is making feel crazy.

 

Thanks to anyone who read this far. If you have any empathetic words of wisdom, thank you.

 

Hi Lilly, so sorry you are going through this, but he really does sound like he is not ready to progress much further in this relationship.

 

Have you read the book 'Mr unavailable and the fallback girl'? He literally follows all the hallmarks of that kind of relationship to the letter - comes on strong in the beginning, then fades, (real relationships get stronger as time goes on), future talking, going through a divorce needing someone as an emotional crutch to get him through. Says he is 'too busy' and 'can't give you what you need right now' - these are stock phrases i'm afraid. Most of us are 'busy' but we still find time for the important people in our lives.

 

 

It struck me too that he tells you he can't give you what you need and then asked YOU what you think you should do - he want's YOU to make the decision to walk away so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

 

What you should do is walk away, telling him to call you when he sorts things out and feels he has room for you (I agree that the two nights a week thing isn't going to work). However, I don't think you are at the point where you will do this. I can 'hear' in your post that you want to make it work so badly that you are putting your own needs aside - never a good or healthy thing. But, lilly, it takes two of you wanting it enough to show by your actions, not just words.

[DivorcedDad123]

"I actually resent how much time/energy he gave me in the beginning, because he set it up as if that was what he wanted to continue to do, and now he doesn't have that time/energy - we now have to schedule it in, and I feel like I'm the one making sure we set aside the time. I feel completely stuck, and I also feel taken for granted. "

 

This happens in all long term relationships. There's an ebb and flow with all of them. Sometimes you're a taker and sometimes you're a giver. It's what makes them work.

I'm in a different camp. I dated while going through divorce and it worked out. My gf was great. She had been through divorce before,so she knew what it would be like. She was there when I needed her. It strengthend our bond. We enjoyed every minute we had together. She went above and beyond helping me. She booked getaways for us when she saw me getting stressed. She cooked for me when I was too tired. etc.,, etc.,,

Now, I do things for her that I was unable to do back then. She deserves it! Of course,she's cut from a different mold. I've never seen anyone so giving and loving,and yet she appreciates every little thing done for her.

[Toodaloo]

DD I would have happily done that for my guy but he will not accept help from anyone...

[DivorcedDad123]

Toodaloo, it's hard for a man to accept help. She did it without asking. She just brought over a meal or the ingredients to make one at my house. She booked the trips and then I HAD to go,since they were paid for. lol

Looking back,I needed those things. I didn't see it beforehand, but afterwards I saw how much it helped. I had done all of the heavy lifting during my marriage,so this was quite a change for me. I found out what having a real "partner" was like.

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo, it's hard for a man to accept help. She did it without asking. She just brought over a meal or the ingredients to make one at my house. She booked the trips and then I HAD to go,since they were paid for. lol

Looking back,I needed those things. I didn't see it beforehand, but afterwards I saw how much it helped. I had done all of the heavy lifting during my marriage,so this was quite a change for me. I found out what having a real "partner" was like.

 

Darling I have done all of that and lost a bucket load of money...

 

You are the exception, not the rule.

 

Perhaps if he had let me cook for him and look after him a bit then he wouldn't be in such a bad way. But it was his choice. Not mine.

 

I am not the only one, his other friends have tried as well.

[beach]

It would be much more streamline if you stay far away until his divorce is final.

 

It's just one of those things that's done in proper order.

[Peachland]

When a person separates or is newly divorced they are one half of a couple, set adrift.

They still want to BE part of a couple.

 

So when they meet someone else, they see them as the other half of their "couple". So it all moves very fast, it is all very comfortable, they think, " Wow! divorce is easy, I have replaced one with another."

BUT once the initial euphoria is past, they realise the new person is NOT their other half reincarnated; the new person is NOT a better version of their other half, they are a person in their own right and that is when the stepping back and the reassessing of the situation starts.

 

For the "single" person in the equation, they think they have found their soulmate, because from the get-go is it all so easy; all so comfortable.

There are no single man/single woman games to be played or walls to be hurdled or bashed down.

Suddenly they find themselves in an intense couple relationship. It is like coming home, there is a ready made cluster of friends and family, there is a future of happy days and holidays ahead...

 

This man is not the usual commitment-phobic singleton, women tend to moan about. To the single person looking for a LTR, he is better than that, he already knows how to be in a proper relationship, he is proven husband and father material;

"He can be my husband and the father of my children."

What's not to like?

 

The "divorcee" is in also in a highly emotional state, so all his emotions, feelings and innermost thoughts can spill out easily and that builds an emotional connection.

At last! A man with a heart and feelings.

"He is hurt, yes, but I can fix him."

For the single person it feels like they have known this person for years, and they in turn also open up their heart, and it is all just soooo good.

Until it isn't...

 

Wow. What a great post. It's so clear. I let myself get caught with a separated now divorced man on and off for the last 6 months. I've been banging my head against the wall trying to figure him out. I still keep in my life at a distance just in case things do work out between us.