Thermals Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 While I do enjoy sex like any other human being, I find that if I like someone I had recently met, then -- for me at least -- sex takes second priority. In other words, the mental or emotional connection takes precedent over the physical, sexual connection. However, I find that for most women I meet, the sexual connection is more important. Perhaps I'm simply meeting the wrong women for whom their own selfish pleasure is their only goal. But there's a theme to many of the encounters I've had in life; on the one hand I find myself sexually attracted to a woman, but can't seem to bring myself to feel romantically attracted to her. And on the other hand, I might be romantically attracted to a woman, but somehow feel very little sexual pull. Then there's the issue where most women I end up sleeping with are the ones who approach me first while the women I might be romantically interested in reject me when I initiate the approach. Not to sound too grandiose, but over the years I've come to feel that women are not interested in me as a person, but simply want me for my looks. Is it just a series of coincidencees or am I doing something wrong? Perhaps I need to work on my "game" to attract the right people. I don't know.
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 While I do enjoy sex like any other human being, I find that if I like someone I had recently met, then -- for me at least -- sex takes second priority. In other words, the mental or emotional connection takes precedent over the physical, sexual connection. However, I find that for most women I meet, the sexual connection is more important. Perhaps I'm simply meeting the wrong women for whom their own selfish pleasure is their only goal. It won't work till it does, as simple as that. I find interesting that you consider sexual women shallow. Sexual connection and compatibility IS important, good or bad sex will make or break a relationship, it's that important. It's not a 'side dish' in a relationship, it's one of the main component. But there's a theme to many of the encounters I've had in life; on the one hand I find myself sexually attracted to a woman, but can't seem to bring myself to feel romantically attracted to her. And on the other hand, I might be romantically attracted to a woman, but somehow feel very little sexual pull. . That reminds me of men who go outside their marriage to have kinky sex because their wives don't inspire that raw sex instinct in them. They view their wife as pure, innocent, nurturing, and she doesn't have that slutty vibe to turn them on. I think you need to reflect on why exactly romantic feelings don't inspire sexual interest in you. It's probably linked to past experiences, childhood, religious up bringing. Then there's the issue where most women I end up sleeping with are the ones who approach me first while the women I might be romantically interested in reject me when I initiate the approach. Coincidence. It won't work till it does. Meeting someone and feeling mutual attraction can take a lot of times. Not to sound too grandiose, but over the years I've come to feel that women are not interested in me as a person, but simply want me for my looks. I go through in and out of that phase too. When I do I stop dating and spend more time with people I know are interested in me because of me and not for my image. Is it just a series of coincidencees or am I doing something wrong? Perhaps I need to work on my "game" to attract the right people. I don't know. To advice you on your game we would have to know your game. How old you are, where you meet women, etc. Although I don't believe in games. I beleive in being true to yourself. 2
jen1447 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Yeah, the very notion of "game" is a misnomer. I mean, ppl use the term generally to describe their personality or their approach or whether they have communication skills or whatever, but if you actually view it as a 'strategy to score women' you're really barking up the wrong tree.
Author Thermals Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Yeah, the very notion of "game" is a misnomer. I mean, ppl use the term generally to describe their personality or their approach or whether they have communication skills or whatever, but if you actually view it as a 'strategy to score women' you're really barking up the wrong tree. I might be using the wrong terminology here. I was referring to all the posts I've been reading on here about building anticipation and intrigue, about being mysterious and flirtatious or whatever some on here call "push and pull", using physical contact to avoid the friend-zone, etc. What would you call that, courtship rules? Courtship techniques? "Game"? I don't know.
jen1447 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Well you're talking about different things. If you're not anticipatory, intriguing, mysterious, or flirtatious, you shouldn't try to be by adding traits you don't possess to your "game." Your "game" might be something else - your intellect, art, ethics, philosophy, etc. Neither "game" is an act, unless you try to be something you aren't. Then it's "game" in the tactical sense I described above and it will fail once the lies are exposed. Anyway I'd call all those things character traits, the 'selling' of which is dependent on honesty, not an act. "Using physical contact to avoid the friendzone" sounds like total fabricated BS that someone sold you as "game."
Author Thermals Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 (edited) Anyway I'd call all those things character traits, the 'selling' of which is dependent on honesty, not an act. I agree. So how do you better "sell" yourself? That is my point. Let me use hyperbole to make my point. You wouldn't walk up to a complete stranger and say, "I'm a great cook and I'm awesome in bed." After all, those are character traits, too. Edited May 11, 2015 by Thermals
jen1447 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I wouldn't walk up to a complete stranger and say anything at all. I assume you're trying to date/meet people? You're bound to honesty, so just be you with those you meet, and if they're interested in that, fine, if not, fine. Sooner or later (most likely), someone will find your character traits intriguing. 1
Author Thermals Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 I wouldn't walk up to a complete stranger and say anything at all. Well, not everyone has the luxury of meeting many people during the course of an average week. If your workplace had limited prospective dates, and your social circle were small, you would be looking at things differently.
Author Thermals Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 (edited) It won't work till it does, as simple as that. I find interesting that you consider sexual women shallow. It's not a 'side dish' in a relationship, it's one of the main component. I merely find myself enjoying mental stimulation more than sexual stimulation. Put differently, most women that I meet seem to have mostly sexual stimulation to offer. Or, on the flip side, I crave mental stimulation and I can't seem to be able to find it. Who knows, perhaps I'm 'shallow' in my own way, a different way. I don't know. Although I am curious to explore that further. Hmmmm.... Edited May 11, 2015 by Thermals
jen1447 Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Well, not everyone has the luxury of meeting many people during the course of an average week. If your workplace had limited prospective dates, and your social circle were small, you would be looking at things differently. Cold approaches to strangers is never a good idea, no matter your individual situation. Unless you're at a bar or something like that, but even then you're not gonna get anywhere if your approach itself isn't welcome, no matter how hot you are or how much "game" you have. 1
Author Thermals Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Cold approaches to strangers is never a good idea, no matter your individual situation. Unless you're at a bar or something like that, but even then you're not gonna get anywhere if your approach itself isn't welcome, no matter how hot you are or how much "game" you have. I have to strongly disagree with you. People pick up on body language and eye contact, once a person recognizes those then he or she can feel comfortable knowing that the approach is welcome. In addition, meeting people at bars is not a good idea. I have met people at grocery stores, department stores and book stores. And over the years I have developed a few good relationships from such encounters. There is nothing wrong in maximizing one's pool of potential dates. Nowadays people go to bars in groups to have fun, not meet potential mates.
pteromom Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 While I do enjoy sex like any other human being, I find that if I like someone I had recently met, then -- for me at least -- sex takes second priority. In other words, the mental or emotional connection takes precedent over the physical, sexual connection. However, I find that for most women I meet, the sexual connection is more important. Perhaps I'm simply meeting the wrong women for whom their own selfish pleasure is their only goal. It isn't necessarily about their selfish pleasure. You have to realize that women are mainly pursued sexually. That is typically a top priority for any other men they have dated. So they use your sexual interest in them as a gauge of how you feel about them. Instead of giving up on someone simply because she seems to prioritize sexual connection, how about working past that and getting to know the rest of her. It could just be that she is being sexually focused because she believes that is what YOU want. on the one hand I find myself sexually attracted to a woman, but can't seem to bring myself to feel romantically attracted to her. And on the other hand, I might be romantically attracted to a woman, but somehow feel very little sexual pull. There are several reasons this may be. - the old "madonna/whore complex" - you are unable to see a woman you have loving feelings for in a sexual way - you are afraid of true intimacy, so you choose either casual sex OR romance, but can't handle the emotional risk of putting them together - you equate sex to power, and therefore aren't able to just hand power over to someone you are interested in, nor are you interested in someone who wants to wield her power over you. Then there's the issue where most women I end up sleeping with are the ones who approach me first while the women I might be romantically interested in reject me when I initiate the approach. Well...yeah. Because a woman that approaches you is interested and available. Whereas when you approach someone, you are taking the risk that she may not be interested or available. Not to sound too grandiose, but over the years I've come to feel that women are not interested in me as a person, but simply want me for my looks. We all feel that when we are dating. You have to keep trying until you find the person who understands you and wants a full relationship. Is it just a series of coincidencees or am I doing something wrong? Perhaps I need to work on my "game" to attract the right people. I don't know. There's no game. Just be you, and meet as many people as you can. Try until you find someone you click with on all levels.
Author Thermals Posted May 13, 2015 Author Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) There are several reasons this may be. - the old "madonna/whore complex" - you are unable to see a woman you have loving feelings for in a sexual way - you are afraid of true intimacy, so you choose either casual sex OR romance, but can't handle the emotional risk of putting them together - you equate sex to power, and therefore aren't able to just hand power over to someone you are interested in, nor are you interested in someone who wants to wield her power over you. None of the above seem to fit the bill. I think I just haven't met the right person and I'm over analyzing things trying to find meaning in all the chaos known as dating. By the way, in general I'm very accommodating in bed. I'm constantly looking for equal partnership, both in bed and outside it. And I expect reciprocity in bed just like I do in life. Do unto others..... So when someone expects me to do ALL the work the first time we're having sex, I get extremely frustrated. Edited May 13, 2015 by Thermals
Author Thermals Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 So tonight, I've finally figured it out. My whole waxing poetic about the sexual vs. mental connection blah blah blah was a simple case of wanting what I couldn't have (or didn't have.) When I get the one, I wish I could also have the other and vice versa. I'm in a constant state of running after that which I perceive as unobtainable, the forbidden fruit. Now there's my problem. Does that make sense?
neowulf Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 So tonight, I've finally figured it out. My whole waxing poetic about the sexual vs. mental connection blah blah blah was a simple case of wanting what I couldn't have (or didn't have.) When I get the one, I wish I could also have the other and vice versa. I'm in a constant state of running after that which I perceive as unobtainable, the forbidden fruit. Now there's my problem. Does that make sense? It's a projected form of commitment phobia. Like a person who constantly chooses the emotionally unavailable partner. So yes, it makes sense. Worth investigating what scares you about actually "catching" the perfect relationship.
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