What's the Problem? and "18 Signs You're With the Man You Should Marry"

[strawberryjelly]

Hello, new poster here.

 

I searched for a relationship forum because I wanted some outside opinions. I'm with a wonderful guy, and we've been dating for around 7 years. We're both in our late 20s, and we've lived together for most of our relationship.

 

My boyfriend is my best friend. I came across this list from Cosmopolitan - I don't put much stock in Cosmo's love advice, but this one seems pretty spot-on. It's a list titled "18 Signs You're With the Man You Should Marry". I fully know that I am a lucky girl! I can check off everything on the list. He opens doors for me, we rarely fight, we have fun together, and we share common goals.

 

Sometimes, though, I have thoughts that we may not be right for each other. It mostly comes down to intangible stuff. I just don't know that we have much of a spark anymore. I'm not as physically attracted to him as we were when we started dating. I'm also a very driven person, career-wise, and he's more laid back. Money doesn't matter to me much, but I make twice as much as he does and pay most of our bills. We're definitely an opposites-attract example.

 

He would like to be married, but I've been holding off. I tell him that it's because I just don't feel ready, but I wonder if things were different if I would be ready. After seven years, shouldn't I know? I feel sometimes like we're more like best friends that live together than lovers.

 

The other part of me thinks that this is probably pretty normal for a seven year relationship. Some of the mystery and magic is bound to fade away, right?

 

Again, just hoping to get an outsider's opinion. Any thoughts are welcome.

[Gaeta]

Is it possible you have overgrown this relationship? There is a lot of maturing and personal development done between 20 and 30 and it's common that those relationships that started at 20 break down when people get closer to 30 as we know better who we are and what we want. I would say especially women.

[Gary S]

Love levels can go down after the honeymoon phase. But that does not mean there is not a substantial amount of love still there.

 

I'm impressed that you two don't fight. This is a signature of some of the very best couples!

 

And from that list in the article, if he meets those things, we know that he loves you and is a gentleman. Gentlemen are hard to find today. It sounds like he is a good catch.

 

How is the romance and affection? Do you love him? Do you want to have kids?

[Mrlonelyone]

It is perfectly normal to not feel a honeymoon like spark after being together for seven years. The feeling you are thinking of is called limmerance by those who study it. At most one can feel that honeymoon love for three years usually less.

 

After 7 years of living together you are married in all but name. Getting married would not change anything. It is a legal contract that specifies certain rights and responsibilities. You enter into it in a court house (when you get the license and sign it) and you leave it in a court house if you get divorced. The act of being a married couple is to live together as a couple and to uphold the promises of your vows.

 

 

It is a great sign that he meets the list you have found. They are all good signs. However you have to listen to your heart and think with your head.

 

If after seven years you are not sure you want to spend your life with this man then don't marry him. You should not have any reservations about getting married when you do. Don't be one of the about 30% of women who get married knowing that they don't want to marry the guy.

 

'How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy' Authors Say More Woman Are Saying 'I Do' When They Mean 'I Don't' - ABC News

 

As I said my vows, I knew I was marrying the wrong man: One woman's confession about the most devastating mistake of her life | Daily Mail Online

[norajane]

After seven years, shouldn't I know? I feel sometimes like we're more like best friends that live together than lovers.

 

Being best friends is actually really important for a long term couple, I think.

 

But being lovers is also important. How is your sex life together?

 

Have you both kinda let romance slide over the years and are more lazy about treating each other as lovers? Do you still "date" each other, make the effort to plan something special every now and then? Do you spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you focused on each other (not watching tv or running errands together, but actually talking and flirting and connecting)?

The other part of me thinks that this is probably pretty normal for a seven year relationship. Some of the mystery and magic is bound to fade away, right?

 

Yes, of course. Living together makes you both more familiar, and takes a lot of the mystery out of it. You know all about each others daily habits, like how often you get cramps during your period and how often he has to trim his nose hair. Mystery is based on the unknown and filling in the blanks with your imagination. Living together doesn't leave much room for the unknown.

 

But some "magic" does remain - you become more dear to each other over time.

 

Never get married unless you're sure, but don't throw in the towel just because you don't feel what you felt when you first started dating. The new-relationship hormones wear off after the first couple of years no matter who you're involved with. Couples actually need to put in some effort to keep the spark going.

 

I've found a pair of old books helpful ("Light His Fire," and "Light Her Fire"). I think what they do is offer simple things you can do to notice your partner's wonderful-ness on a daily basis, admiring each other and expressing that admiration. It works wonders to help you see each other as lovers and appreciate each other.

[Redhead14]

Hello, new poster here.

 

I searched for a relationship forum because I wanted some outside opinions. I'm with a wonderful guy, and we've been dating for around 7 years. We're both in our late 20s, and we've lived together for most of our relationship.

 

My boyfriend is my best friend. I came across this list from Cosmopolitan - I don't put much stock in Cosmo's love advice, but this one seems pretty spot-on. It's a list titled "18 Signs You're With the Man You Should Marry". I fully know that I am a lucky girl! I can check off everything on the list. He opens doors for me, we rarely fight, we have fun together, and we share common goals.

 

Sometimes, though, I have thoughts that we may not be right for each other. It mostly comes down to intangible stuff. I just don't know that we have much of a spark anymore. I'm not as physically attracted to him as we were when we started dating. I'm also a very driven person, career-wise, and he's more laid back. Money doesn't matter to me much, but I make twice as much as he does and pay most of our bills. We're definitely an opposites-attract example.

 

He would like to be married, but I've been holding off. I tell him that it's because I just don't feel ready, but I wonder if things were different if I would be ready. After seven years, shouldn't I know? I feel sometimes like we're more like best friends that live together than lovers.

 

The other part of me thinks that this is probably pretty normal for a seven year relationship. Some of the mystery and magic is bound to fade away, right?

 

Again, just hoping to get an outsider's opinion. Any thoughts are welcome.

 

If you're having misgivings after 7 years of not being married, it's not going to change if you do get married. You two are basically married now anyway and simply operating on auto pilot. Going through the motions of a relationship. This happens often in a marriage too. Some of the mystery and magic is bound to fade away, right?

 

If you want to move forward toward possibly marrying. You're going to have to hit the "reset" button here and basically go back to the dating mode. Get more of your own individuality back. Do more things by yourself and he should do the same. Give some space for a while. I don't mean move out, just get focused on yourself again. Do more date type of stuff. Plan for dates. Stop having sex for a little while as well. I'm not saying withhold it as a tool of manipulation or anything. Mutually agree not to have sex for a while. Don't just do it mechanically.

 

Space is a good thing even in a long-term relationship. Try it and see if that magic comes back I bet it will.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Firstly, career ambition is not directly related to income. Ok, that's out of the way.

 

My opinion.

 

It all depends on the kind of person you are. You being new to relationship forums, I'll tell you there are dozens of different types of personalities.

 

After seven years, shouldn't I know? I feel sometimes like we're more like best friends that live together than lovers.

 

 

That is my IDEAL situation. I don't need an emotional spark nor have I ever. In fact, it's something I almost look to avoid at this point in life. No need to delve into that, but you should really make your own decision.

 

Since you gave up your 20s to spend with this man, a time that could have been spent potentially dating and being wined and dined by men, I would foster a guess that you appreciate friendship and loyalty and compatibility over money, and emotional spark.

 

But that's just a guess.

[lemoncello]

Hello, new poster here.

 

I searched for a relationship forum because I wanted some outside opinions. I'm with a wonderful guy, and we've been dating for around 7 years. We're both in our late 20s, and we've lived together for most of our relationship.

 

Again, just hoping to get an outsider's opinion. Any thoughts are welcome.

 

7 years is a good amount of time to really know someone.

 

My boyfriend is my best friend. I came across this list from Cosmopolitan - I don't put much stock in Cosmo's love advice, but this one seems pretty spot-on. It's a list titled "18 Signs You're With the Man You Should Marry". I fully know that I am a lucky girl! I can check off everything on the list. He opens doors for me, we rarely fight, we have fun together, and we share common goals.

 

Step away from the women's magazines. You do realize a lot of the statistics and relationship advice published in them is fluff.

 

Sometimes, though, I have thoughts that we may not be right for each other. It mostly comes down to intangible stuff. I just don't know that we have much of a spark anymore. I'm not as physically attracted to him as we were when we started dating. I'm also a very driven person, career-wise, and he's more laid back. Money doesn't matter to me much, but I make twice as much as he does and pay most of our bills. We're definitely an opposites-attract example.

 

The first sentence here, leads me to believe that you don't want to marry your boyfriend, but since you've been together for 7 years, you're caught in that "comfort" zone.

 

The honeymoon phase only happens in the beginning of relationships and eventually wears off. But, that doesn't mean you can't do things to reconnect with your boyfriend to bring the romance and passion back.

 

He would like to be married, but I've been holding off. I tell him that it's because I just don't feel ready, but I wonder if things were different if I would be ready. After seven years, shouldn't I know? I feel sometimes like we're more like best friends that live together than lovers.

 

Again, I don't think you want to marry him and if that's true, that's fine. You've told him that you don't feel ready, because deep down I think you realize after 7 years he's not the man you want to marry. But you don't want to hurt his feelings, so you postpone the marriage talk. Don't do that. Don't be afraid to be honest. If you know after 7 years that the relationship has run its course for you, then you owe it to you both to end things.

 

There is no point moving forward with the marriage plan if it's not what you want. If you can't see yourself married to your boyfriend, then don't marry him. I know plenty of people who married their spouse for the wrong reasons, and either cheated on their spouse later in the marriage and divorced, or remain married and miserable for the financial security.

 

The other part of me thinks that this is probably pretty normal for a seven year relationship. Some of the mystery and magic is bound to fade away, right?

 

It's normal to feel hesitant about marriage when you know you don't want to marry the person. The mystery and magic never fades away. It just morphs into other more meaningful feelings. But, if you've lost that lovin' feeling, then the best thing you can do for you both is to break up with him. Do not stay with someone you fell out of love with, if that is the case for you.