LizardNoyce Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend of four plus years. We have an on again off again relationship. I broke it off again because the weakened state of our relationship is just not healthy. There is lack of trust and communication, different family values, etc. Ultimately, I know he deserves better and I just can't bring myself to stay with him. I'm ashamed and full of regret because I blame the state of our relationship on myself and its really put me in a bad place. I've made countless mistakes and I've put him through hell and back. I know just how amazing he is. He is 100% loyal, he's always been there for me, even when I left. He'd open his arms right back up when I decided to run to him. He's genuine, good-hearted, and his love is out of this world. Its unconditional, its pure and he just loves with all of his heart. I don't deserve it. So I left him.. But I can never fully leave. We can't get enough of each other. We talk every day, we see each other when we can, we can't be without the other. But my regrets from the past are still there, and I cant let them go. Its become almost an obsession and I can't keep my mind off of it. Never feeling good enough, and like I'm not worthy enough for his love is really hurting my self esteem. I know he loves me and he knows I love him, but is it time to let him go? I want whats best for both of us. He deserves all the happiness in the world, and I constantly feel like I can't give that to him. Hes doing great for himself, and progressing everyday. I on the other-hand haven't gotten anywhere. I feel like I'm just holding him back. I know that if I let him go I'll still think about him, love him and miss him 20 years from now. I don't want him to be the "one that got away". He's the love of my life, but I can't force something that's not meant to be. Is this a situation that "only time will tell" or do I have some control over the outcome?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend of four plus years. We have an on again off again relationship. I broke it off again because the weakened state of our relationship is just not healthy. There is lack of trust and communication, different family values, etc. Ultimately, I know he deserves better and I just can't bring myself to stay with him. I'm ashamed and full of regret because I blame the state of our relationship on myself and its really put me in a bad place. I've made countless mistakes and I've put him through hell and back. I know just how amazing he is. He is 100% loyal, he's always been there for me, even when I left. He'd open his arms right back up when I decided to run to him. He's genuine, good-hearted, and his love is out of this world. Its unconditional, its pure and he just loves with all of his heart. I don't deserve it. So I left him.. But I can never fully leave. We can't get enough of each other. We talk every day, we see each other when we can, we can't be without the other. But my regrets from the past are still there, and I cant let them go. Its become almost an obsession and I can't keep my mind off of it. Never feeling good enough, and like I'm not worthy enough for his love is really hurting my self esteem. I know he loves me and he knows I love him, but is it time to let him go? I want whats best for both of us. He deserves all the happiness in the world, and I constantly feel like I can't give that to him. Hes doing great for himself, and progressing everyday. I on the other-hand haven't gotten anywhere. I feel like I'm just holding him back. I know that if I let him go I'll still think about him, love him and miss him 20 years from now. I don't want him to be the "one that got away". He's the love of my life, but I can't force something that's not meant to be. Is this a situation that "only time will tell" or do I have some control over the outcome? Sounds like this isn't so much about the relationship as it is about you. Have you gone to therapy/counseling? Everything you've listed is your own insecurities apart from communication in the relationship and family values (and arguably trust). You have some control over the situation, granted you would have had more if you hadn't broken up yet.
Ruby65 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I know just how amazing he is. ^ Yep, I've said it before and I'll say it again: "Amazing" is the kiss of death. Sweetie, I seriously doubt he's the Love of Your Life. It sounds like he's your first serious relationship, like he's a really nice, giving, emotionally available guy who, for whatever reason, you're just not feeling it for after a few years together. Have you cheated on him or broken up with him to pursue other guys? Is that the source of your guilt and trust issues? Look, you're ALLOWED to be not into someone. It happens all the time, especially when you get together in your late teens/early twenties. But here's what you're *not* allowed to do -- just according to me, mind you. You're not allowed to keep stringing him along. You're not allowed to send mixed signals because you're afraid of ending up alone and you want him around as a Plan B in case you don't meet someone you're truly crazy about. You're not allowed to use him as a placeholder just so you can feel safe and less lonely while you wait for someone better to come along. You must give him the respect to fully cut contact and walk away from him completely -- so he can grieve, heal and meet someone who's thrilled to be his girlfriend! It's hard to walk away -- it's scary and can be lonely to be single after having him around for 4 years -- but you just have to suck it up and do it anyway. I could be completely off base here -- maybe you really DO have some big dark evil secret from your past that prevents you from loving this guy and makes you so undeserving of his love? But when I read your post, what I saw was someone who knows she SHOULD be crazy in love with this guy but just can't force feelings she doesn't have anymore. And why should you? You deserve to be with someone you're crazy about, too.
joseb Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 He's genuine, good-hearted, and his love is out of this world. Its unconditional, its pure and he just loves with all of his heart. I don't deserve it. So I left him.. ... Never feeling good enough, and like I'm not worthy enough for his love is really hurting my self esteem. Wow what has happened to you to make you think you are so undeserving of love? Are you talking to a professional about these issues? At least you recognise them. I know that if I let him go I'll still think about him, love him and miss him 20 years from now. I don't want him to be the "one that got away". This is highly unlikely. What is the main reason for the breakup in your mind? I see "There is lack of trust and communication, different family values, etc. " but seems pretty vague. Maybe it's as Ruby says, and you just aren't that into him. If that's the case, the best thing is to let him go.
Author LizardNoyce Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 I did cheat on him, more than once and I have pursued other guys. That is the source of the guilt and trust issues.. Granted I recognize my mistakes and I've apologized, actions do speak louder than words. I promised myself I would never put him through that hurt again, and my only solution was to break it off. He and I have been through so much, but we really don't have anything to show for it. And again that is my fault. It's not like I'm not into him anymore. I just have personal issues that get in the way of our relationship. My self esteem issues, my depression and my guilt get in the way of loving him. I have yet to find the answers as to why I did what I did, and I have yet to prove to him that I've changed. The foundation is broken and unstable, so maybe it is best that we both move on - let ourselves heal a bit. I just can't bear the thought of seeing him with somebody else.. its heartbreaking Knowing I couldn't make him happy enough to keep him.. It makes me feel like a failure. I feel terrible.
Ruby65 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I think maybe you were just too young to be committed forever to just one person. But it's not right to keep holding on to him because you're afraid to lose him to someone else. He deserves commitment, if that's what he wants, and you deserve the freedom to experience being single and dating others without hating yourself and feeling like a failure.
Meli22 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I think the issue could be you and not your boyfriend. It sounds like you do love him, but you are beating yourself up over past regrets etc. Is there any reason for this? Does he bring up your mistakes often or is it just in your own head? Counselling could definitely help with this. I recently came out of a relationship where I never felt good enough. This wasn't because I imagined it but my ex made me feel that way. The sick part is I started to really hate myself. I changed for him to accommodate his needs and it still wasn't enough. Everything was my fault, I was "disrespectful" and he pushed me away for months claiming his change of feelings was due to my disrespectful behaviour (I did a thread called Realizations around here somewhere).. My therapist has helped me realise that I AM a great person and the issue wasn't me, it was all him. ANYWAY ha! My point is.. if he isn't doing anything to MAKE you feel this way, and MAKE you feel like you aren't good enough, and he is generally a good fit for you, this could be worth salvaging
sutsie Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Sounds like the only issue here is in your own head. Maybe you should work on building your own confidence. you sound like a head case, although I know this isn't the case. But, the only issues are in your head.
RoseHeart Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 If you don't sort out your insecurities, you'll lose him for good. If you want this guy then it's time to come to terms with things and make it work. There are plenty of girls out there that will grab him at a given chance so you have to realize what you have in front of you and decide if you want him or not. It's not fair on him to make him wait for the day you might feel ready again. You either want someone in your life or you don't. If you do then that means taking them for who they are today, putting the past in the past and giving them your everything. Regardless of what happened in the past it's all about the present. Forgive yourself.
ravfour4 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 You sound like my ex gf who randomly left me, cheated on me and started hoovering me back in consistently after a 4 year relationship. I'd suggest you go to therapy if you truly love him, you know he loves you and you keep running away because you fear you're not "good enough". Obviously you are if he still loves you.
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