Just trying to make sense of it all

[RoseBud12]

Hey guys,

I hope this post makes at least a little bit of sense. As you all know things can be pretty confusing in the beginning. But I just want to start off saying that I think this whole website is really cool. I have been reading a lot of it the past couple of days and wish I would have discovered it before my break-up happened. My ex and I broke up last Friday so it has only been 8 days. This is day 6 of no contact, which I wish I would've went into right away.

 

 

I thought I was doing pretty well dealing with everything. I have been spending a lot of time with friends, talking a lot to people. I have been going for walks, bike rides, staying active. I also just started a new job which has helped to take my mind off things a little, but it has also been tough to focus on learning the new job as my mind is all jumbled up.

 

 

But today I find myself not even wanting to get out of bed. I can't stop crying. I don't feel like doing anything. Since this all happened I haven't really had a chance to just stay home and mourn so I decided to let myself do that today but it feels awful. I feel like I am back at day one.

 

 

So I guess I can give you guys a little bit of the story. I am 25 and she is 27. We were together for 1.5 years, I loved this girl very much (I am a girl also.) But I know that we both brought issues into the relationship. We are both newly sober and neither of us had experienced a healthy relationship before. From the beginning I brought trust issues, insecurities and neediness. I knew about these issues of mine so I always tried my best to acknowledge them and work on them. She was always very understanding and patient with me. But we started bickering quite a bit. Over stupid stuff also, we just couldn't seem to go a couple of hours without having a stupid issue. Most of the time it was because I felt like she was not putting forth very much of an effort or thought she was doing something "wrong." I took her for granted, and wish I could go back and act differently. I think I had unrealistic expectations of her, and it began to wear her out. Because I do think she tried her best. She also did not have a car, so I was always giving her rides and would get resentful because I felt like I was always putting her first and she was not doing the same for me. We acknowledged that we needed to work on our communication and other problems. I think in my mind, I paid attention more to the good times than the bad times that stuck out in her mind. Like the last day we hung out we went on this beautiful hike and had some amazing, honest heart to heart conversations talking about our issues and working them out, then we went out to dinner, spent some time in her hottub, being intimate and having deep conversations, then went home and had sex. I felt like it was this wonderful day spent with her but then out of the blue the next day or two she ended it with me.

 

 

Over text I was saying how I was sad that we wouldn't see each other for 3 or so days because of our work schedules. And she didn't seem to react, she just said I think its good to have time apart to miss each other. Now this made me think she didn't care to see me that much so I got a little upset and started replying shortly. In the morning I asked if she was mad at me and she just kind of went off saying all this stuff like she didn't really think we were happy anymore, and she was not sure if she wanted to be with me anymore. At this point I called her very upset, I couldn't believe she was saying any of this. I got mad and told her it was over, and I was done with her. So even though I feel like I said the official break up words, I only beat her to it because I knew that's what she was about to say. I immediately blocked her, deleted her from Facebook, all of that. That was Friday. I unblocked her Sunday morning and texted her saying that I was sorry how I handled things, I shouldn't have gotten so upset.

 

 

I was honestly hoping that she was want to talk things out more but she just started saying how she is hurting right now too but hopefully one day I will see that this is the right thing for us. And that she loves me and will always love me but she thinks we have grown apart, and we both tried our best and stuff like that. She said I was her best friend and other half so she hoped that we could remain friends.

 

 

This was all very devastating to me. I could not realize that she was saying this stuff. We always talked about moving in together, and marriage and having kids together. She said that I was her soul mate, she said she always wanted to work out our issues. And I didn't even think anything that bad happened, it was like blindsiding me completely.

 

 

This is the point where I regret my actions, I started getting very upset and she would not answer my phone calls, so I text her calling her names and saying that I never really loved her, that I've wanted to break up with her for a while too and I was never happy with her. Now, all of that is probably a lie I concocted to get a rise out of her but she was cool as a cucumber. I apologized immediately and just explained to her I regretted saying that and that I'm just an emotional wreck and very heart broken. She just says she'll always be here for me and blah blah blah all this sweet stuff, like she's just handling the break-up perfectly maturely while I'm being so immature. The conversation ends with her saying that she hopes we can still be friends and I said I don't think I can do that, ttyl.

 

 

Anyways,

I have been in no contact mode since that day. I guess the only reason I am writing this is because when I really think about everything I just wrote, and the reality of the situation, it seemed very clear that she was sure about her decision. There was no hesitation. And even though I'm pretty sure I will never hear from her again, or at least not for a long time, I still look at my phone every 5 minutes hoping its her. I still think about all the things I could say to get her back. Or maybe if I stay in no contact for long enough she will miss me and come back.

 

 

God this is awful, as I'm writing this I realize how crazy I sound. But I'm just completely devastated. A few weeks ago I had to put my dog down, I just made a huge career change and now this. I just can't believe how everything in life happens all at once sometimes. I feel like my life is flipped upside down. And as much as I know I shouldn't I just want to text, call or see her. So I can tell her one last time what she means to me in case I was not clear with her while we were together.

 

 

I have been through a tougher break up than this, one that I was cheated on...I didn't get over that for years. Now when I see that person's facebook or something I honestly feel nothing. And if I can get through that I can get through this. It is just tough right now. I know that I am a strong person. I have been through a lot of ****. I am also a romantic though, I believe if you love someone you keep trying through the tough times. I can't believe that she gave up on us, and now is just so cool about it. I just don't understand how a person could spend 1.5 years saying how much they love you and see their future with you and then just give up. I feel like I have wasted the last year of my life being lied to. I feel like she was using me or something.

 

 

I guess there is not really much advice I am seeking. I was just having a really bad day with everything and really felt like contacting her. But then I saw someone say on here that if I feel like breaking no contact I should post on here. I am using this as my way of venting. And I know that I shouldn't contact her because she is probably doing just fine and it will probably just send me back to day one, hurting even worse.

 

 

Why do I feel like I am always the one to stay longer than I am wanted? Why is it that the people I am with always tend to see the end before I do? All of my friends who knew us say that they just don't think she was as invested in the relationship as I was. Well how was I so blind to see that?! I just kept making her my priority, making her number one, all the while I feel like she was mostly concentrating on her own wellbeing. I saw signs but I just kept making excuses for her behavior. These girls always end up breaking my heart so bad, I cannot even function properly for months, and they seem to move on just fine. and I can't help but think it is something wrong with me that makes them go.

Edited May 9, 2015 by RoseBud12

[Ruby65]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

I think you've shown great strength going complete No Contact just two days after the breakup! Good for you.

 

Please don't beat yourself up for acting out immediately afterwards -- it happens, we've all been there.

 

And of course it's much easier for her to stay calm during the breakup because she was the one who instigated it, whereas you were shocked and hurt and angry and not wanting it to be happening.

 

Why do I feel like I am always the one to stay longer than I am wanted? Why is it that the people I am with always tend to see the end before I do? All of my friends who knew us say that they just don't think she was as invested in the relationship as I was. Well how was I so blind to see that?! I just kept making her my priority, making her number one, all the while I feel like she was mostly concentrating on her own wellbeing. I saw signs but I just kept making excuses for her behavior.

 

It's natural to want to overlook the red flags as they pop up, but this is something you might want to work on for your next relationship.

 

Being happy and secure in yourself and your own life makes it easier to walk away sooner from people who aren't quite as invested as you are.

 

The problem with "fighting for" a relationship with someone who's not fully into you is that what you end up with.... is a relationship with someone who's not fully into you. Not much of a prize -- and not such a shocker that they'll eventually end it one day.

 

Stick to your NC and be sure to block her from sending out breadcrumbs to your phone or email.

 

Also block her on every app and site you use. If she was pushing for "friendship" immediately after the breakup then she might be the selfish type of dumper who hopes to keep you in the wings as a Plan B, to keep her company while she moves on. Ugghhhh..... and really, does anyone need to deal with that?

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Keep posting -- good luck to you!

[RoseBud12]

Wow thank you so much for your reply! I honestly was not sure if anyone was going to even read that, let alone write me back with empathy and understanding. It means a lot.

I just wanted to give an update, maybe share some experience, strength and hope for anyone is a similar situation.

 

After having such a rough day when I posted that, something incredible happened. I decided to take my power back! It might sound cheesy but Ive been praying a lot and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I realized that I am a strong, beautiful and confident woman. It's not okay for my happiness to be based on another person. It's not okay for someone to be with me for a year and a half then break up with me over a text message and not even give me a chance to speak in person. I don't want to be with someone who would do that anyways. It was not ok for her to have let me drive her everywhere, and pay for pretty much everything all the while she openly stated she doesn't "need" me. It was not ok for her to act like sex was a chore! Why did I put up with that! It wasn't ok for her to talk about her ex all the time then get mad at me for "making it an issue."

 

And these should have all been deal breakers for me but I was too blinded by my innocent love for her. I am learning so much from this right now. And that's all I'm starting to see it as, is an opportunity for growth. So I actually appreciate her doing me the favor because she has made me better, faster, and stronger.

 

Yesterday I finally got off my butt and hit the treadmill for an hour and felt 20x better. I think if I'm having a tough time I have to remember doing something physical never fails to make me feel better! I have to remember to trust that everything is happening for a reason and that it's all for the best! I need to keep looking at the positive things in my life, and keep showing up where I need to show up. I also need to focus heavily on taking care of myself, my needs and learning the lessons the universe is trying to teach me right now. Life is a rollercoaster lately and at least I can't say it's ever been boring! I can't help but be kind of excited for the future and the mystery it entails. Great things always seem to unfold after going through some trials. We just have to stay strong and reach out when we need help. I have made it through some tough times in life already and came out a stronger person and I know this time is no different.

 

I have blocked her on all social media because I know seeing any sort of post from her would send me in a tailspin. Although I did not block her phone number because honestly I still wish that I'd hear from her. Just so I could know she didn't forget about me completely. Maybe I want her to message me so she can find out how great I'm actually doing. Or maybe a small part of me hopes she will come crawling back still. Just trying to be honest. But I will not be the one to contact and I'm gonna stay strong on that.

Also, this might not be the correct protocol but I already joined a dating website lol. It has really helped to see all the women messaging me and makes me remember that I'm a desirable partner and there's plenty more cute girls out there. Although I do not want to be dependent on others to make me happy. So I'll stay single for a while, I don't know.

I know there will be rough days in the future I'm sure. But I'm starting to see things as they really were. I'm not all that crazy, I just fell in love with someone who didn't deserve me, I'm gonna this positive attitude while I've got it. A few days ago I thought I was going to die. I hope I could help someone out there who's heart was broken also.

[ravfour4]

Sounds like you're in a great spot right now - going NC from the get-go is ideal and you seem to be thinking clearly as well and focusing on yourself - exactly what you should be doing.

 

Keep posting on here whenever you need to in order to vent, it's very helpful and it will help keep you NC. Say what you want to say to her here instead, we won't judge.

[RoseBud12]

Thank you I appreciate your encouragement. It helps me feel better receiving support from others, even if you're strangers! Don't be shy to reach out and tell your stories people. It's reading all the experiences on here that helped me so much as well, to remind me that I'm not alone. This type of thing happens all the time to nice people. My situation is not unique or really all that precious. Take that person/relationship off the pedestal and empower yourself.

[ravfour4]

You can read my story in "4 year relationship over" or "NC journey begins", it's a doozy

[RoseBud12]

So just an update...still no contact...it has been over a month now. I went on a date with someone I met on pof and the girl kissed me and it just didn't feel right. But I don't really know why but I signed up on okcupid and saw my ex on there then deleted the account immediately. It sent me in a bit of a tailspin. Made me realize she is serious about being done and moving on. It also made me think she was kind of pathetic even though I'm doing the same thing. I don't understand how she can just move right on to the next person. I want to sit and analyze if she's just on there to get over me or if she's on there because she was already over it before we even broke up. But I'm trying to stop asking why and just continuing moving on. It doesn't matter anymore what's going on in her life. She's no longer part of my life and probably never will be again. She also popped up on pof so I disabled that account to. I'm not ready to even see her pictures. I'm better off pretending she doesn't exist. I worry constantly I will run into her around town now. I think I decided I'm not ready to date yet so got off all the sites. am staying super busy right now also so I don't really have Time for dating anyways. I think I'm doing as well as I can but after a month I'm surprised how often I still think about her...all the time. It's always in the back of my head. I get a deep pitted anxiety deep in my gut if I think about her or things too much. I guess this is all probably normal. I wish I didn't talk about her to my friends as much. I deleted her number and given up hope of hearing from her. I want to stop analyzing everything in my head, what I did wrong, could've done better, if she never really loved me etc. I am just trying to continue focusing on the positive things about being single.