Broken, what do I do?

[daisy_098]

A week ago my boyfriend (22 y/o) of 10 months broke up with me (24 y/o) due to the fact he was confused and lost and just unsure with everything going on in his life. He said he wanted to be alone and just have his space and time to think about what he wanted to do. We were so happy for 9 months with some fights here and there but always resolved them by understanding each other and fixing it together. A week before we broke up I noticed he became distant and wanted to always be with his guy friends, which didn't bother me at all because we always did everything together. He also had had lots and lots of problems at work and always, which made him stressed out and he doesn't do well under pressure nor stressed out. He always said he loved me and always talked about a future with me until that day he broke up with me i asked him if he saw a future with me and said.. "sometimes..." that devastated me.

 

4 days after we broke up, he contacted me and said he loved me and was nothing without me but he needed to figure himself out first, and figure what he truly wanted he said he cared too much for me to drag me along his stress and drama that he didn't want me involved nor continue hurting me or confusing me with his current mood swings he had been having. He feels worthless, lost, confused, unstable, extremely unmotivated, and angry and he cant figure out why nor what direction he wants to go towards in his life.

 

I love this man with all my heart and it kills me everyday he feels this way because I want to make him feel better I want to be there for him. hes mentioned he would like to keep in contact with me from time to time to see how i was becuase its killing him to know he broke my heart and thats another reason why hes angry about himself. Ive done the mistake of texting him 2 this week because I really miss him and I feel empty. The second time he ignored me which broke my heart so I said i guess he had someone else (I had people giving me advice and helping me with this and one friend said he probably had someone else)-(my friend doesn't know my boyfriend so i don't know what I believed him. So he texted me back and said he had no one else but that he was torn at the moment and felt useless he loved me but he said he didn't want me to keep waiting because he wanted to fix himself first which could take months or years, he didn't want to make any promises either but only thing he wanted to focus on is himself. He said he wanted me to move on, and find someone that was more stable but he didn't want me to wait for him.. he just wanted to be alone and have his space..

 

i love him so much and I'm afraid i'm loosing my best friend, we had amazing time together and i mean amazing times, we were inseparable and everyone could tell we were in love with each other. this all came to a shock to me. and now i'm heartbroken

what do I do? and how do I know if he ever will come back? or ever reach out again? is it worth waiting

 

yes i understand now im messing up the NC rule but my mind is killing me knowing i might have been used

I want to be stronger and patience is everything.. its just hard knowing i really did loose him.

Edited May 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[walkingonair]

A week ago my boyfriend (22 y/o) of 10 months broke up with me (24 y/o) due to the fact he was confused and lost and just unsure with everything going on in his life. He said he wanted to be alone and just have his space and time to think about what he wanted to do. We were so happy for 9 months with some fights here and there but always resolved them by understanding each other and fixing it together. A week before we broke up I noticed he became distant and wanted to always be with his guy friends, which didn't bother me at all because we always did everything together. He also had had lots and lots of problems at work and always, which made him stressed out and he doesn't do well under pressure nor stressed out. He always said he loved me and always talked about a future with me until that day he broke up with me i asked him if he saw a future with me and said.. "sometimes..." that devastated me. 4 days after we broke up, he contacted me and said he loved me and was nothing without me but he needed to figure himself out first, and figure what he truly wanted he said he cared too much for me to drag me along his stress and drama that he didn't want me involved nor continue hurting me or confusing me with his current mood swings he had been having. He feels worthless, lost, confused, unstable, extremely unmotivated, and angry and he cant figure out why nor what direction he wants to go towards in his life. I love this man with all my heart and it kills me everyday he feels this way because I want to make him feel better I want to be there for him. hes mentioned he would like to keep in contact with me from time to time to see how i was becuase its killing him to know he broke my heart and thats another reason why hes angry about himself. Ive done the mistake of texting him 2 this week because I really miss him and I feel empty. The second time he ignored me which broke my heart so I said i guess he had someone else (I had people giving me advice and helping me with this and one friend said he probably had someone else)-(my friend doesn't know my boyfriend so i don't know what I believed him. So he texted me back and said he had no one else but that he was torn at the moment and felt useless he loved me but he said he didn't want me to keep waiting because he wanted to fix himself first which could take months or years, he didn't want to make any promises either but only thing he wanted to focus on is himself. He said he wanted me to move on, and find someone that was more stable but he didn't want me to wait for him.. he just wanted to be alone and have his space..

 

i love him so much and I'm afraid i'm loosing my best friend, we had amazing time together and i mean amazing times, we were inseparable and everyone could tell we were in love with each other. this all came to a shock to me. and now i'm heartbroken

what do I do? and how do I know if he ever will come back? or ever reach out again? is it worth waiting

 

yes i understand now im messing up the NC rule but my mind is killing me knowing i might have been used

I want to be stronger and patience is everything.. its just hard knowing i really did loose him.

 

 

 

Sorry you're going through this.He'll be back.I'm going through the same thing:(If you want to talk we can talk on google chat .

 

 

Do you have gchat?If so mine is [email protected]

[SLee]

Hey daisy,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

My ex of 3.5 years is around the same age as your ex and some of what you say is familiar to me, so I'm gonna speak from my experience.

 

In the weeks before my ex pulled the trigger, he got really distant from me in ways that were really out of character for him. I approached him on it and he dumped me. It's more complicated than that obviously, but that's the important part.

 

My ex is a student in a very time consuming, intense major and also works as many hours as possible. Over the course of the academic year I noticed him deteriorate. He was failing classes, not eating well, had some very heavy drinking episodes, looking disheveled in general, etc.

 

My point is that both these guys at this age are probably cracking under pressure. Personally, my ex blamed me and the relationship for a lot of his stress and thinks dumping me will fix it.

 

The important thing to remember is that you will not feel better until you give him exactly what he wants. Give him space and time, and take time for yourself too. The way you described him (angry, unmotivated, unstable, worthless, etc.), is the exact same way my ex feels/felt. It has nothing to do with you, it all comes from him. I wanted to be there for my ex and help him too, but he ended it with me. Therefore, he turned down my help. There's nothing I can do for him now.

 

The same thing with your ex. HE needs to help himself and improve his life and if he's ending it with you, he's turning down your help. So don't offer it to him anymore. He made a choice and he's on his own now.

 

You too need to not talk to each other for a while, possibly for good. You're both very emotional right now and any contact you have is gonna be a train wreck.

 

Not all exes are bad people. He doesn't want to hurt you, most good and decent people don't like hurting people. But by having contact with you and saying things he's saying, he's hurting you more.

 

Leave him alone, and make sure he leaves you alone. DON'T wait for him. You don't have to go out and find a new guy immediately, but don't sit around like a princess in a tower waiting for him. Work on yourself, on your goals and achieving them. Write your feelings out on paper, keeping posting on LS. Go out with your friends and family, and just be where people are in general. It'll help you see that there is more to the world than your ex, even if the last thing you wanna do is be social.

 

Breaking the NC rule doesn't make you stupid, you're human. It's okay. But recognizing and learning from the mistake is key. This stuff is really hard, believe me, I'm there. You'll have good hours and bad hours if you keep thinking the right way. Get everything you're feeling out. It's gonna be worse if you don't. Get it out on paper, to friends, on LS, etc. NOT to him.

 

I had a friend tell me to contact her every time I felt the urge to talk to my ex. It was a godsend. That's what you need right now.

 

It's okay to be in pain and to let yourself grieve. Just keep your mind focussed on yourself and it will get better with time.

 

Here's a really good website people referred ME to. Take a look: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[acapelo_dp]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I went through/am going through something very similar. My ex bf and I were together for a year and a half and he decided to end it because he didn't want to settle down or have the constraint of a relationship. The first month and a half KILLED me and I missed him so much. I still miss him...but we have since spoken in person and he explained that he is finally doing things and working on himself and he got too comfortable in the relationship, but still cares about me and wants me in his life.

 

What you have to do right now is heal yourself. Maybe he will come back one day, and maybe he wont...you want to be prepared for if he doesn't. Try not to spend this time moping and isolating yourself. Go out with your girlfriends, plan a girls trip, start working out , meet new people, take a class. Do things for YOU while he works on himself and try not to contact him...I know it's hard but he needs his space right now.

[daisy_098]

hello SLee,

 

its crazy to find people in the same position i am in. and you're absolutely right I must give him his space i want him better and i want him just to think about his own life rather than me.. If it was meant to be he'll come back, he knows how I feel and how incredibly damaged I am. but i can't dwell on this forever because life is too short to dwell.. Then again this is easier said then down because I still have my moments I break down (like right now) where im just wondering if hell ever come back. But only time will tell.

 

this is difficultly because we both work in retail (same company just different store) and everybody this week has asked me about him which makes it hard to go to work now and stay positive.

 

I want to be happy again and thank you SLee for the website I'm definitely going to take a look at it

Edited May 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[daisy_098]

thank you acapelo_dp

 

im trying to stay positive but as I said I have my moments i break down and am just torn and empty.

Im happy your ex has kept you in his life that gives me some boost that perhaps I might stay in my exs life one day.

[daisy_098]

hello walkingonair,

I unfortunately do not have google chat, but I would definitely love to have someone to speak to when I have tough moments like now.

[Astron]

After I read the initial post, I immediately wanted to write that I'm in a similar situation, in the guy's case ("confused and lost and just unsure with everything going on in his life"), but actually everything you said is almost identical to what I'm going through right now... Then, I was surprised to see there are actually several others in this situation as you...as me...

 

I broke up with her 2 days ago and I feel so sorry for her, she is devastated. Maybe I'm a bit stronger at this moment, but still, I barely couldn't sleep last night. My life is totally confusing for a few months... we had so beautiful moments together, with ups and downs, we really loved each other and I'm afraid I will never find someone to love me like she does... but I cannot go with this relationship further... I simply can't. It's to exhausting for me and I really need time for myself.

 

I'm sorry I cannot help you, but I kinda understand your ex too...

[Moley87]

hello walkingonair,

I unfortunately do not have google chat, but I would definitely love to have someone to speak to when I have tough moments like now.

 

Hi daisy have been helping people as best I can on here since I split with my ex so feel free to contact me at any point and I'll happily give wise words

 

With your situation I feel for you , however what people are saying is true you need give this time and space I think he will honestly be back in contact but it won't be until sometime , therefore take it day by day and keeping looking to the future

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry but he wants to move on so you need to accept he's gone and allow yourself to grieve and then recover and move on yourself. It could be he had a mood problem but the fact that he's not giving you any time when he foresees being back with you or that he is thinking along those lines suggests he feels the relationship has run its course. You really don't want to be with someone who is not feeling 100% into you. You are worth so much more.

 

While it might seem impossible to imagine a happy future without him at the moment, gradually you will be able to and then you will meet someone who shows you what 100% feels like. You've probably just gradually slipped into a situation with your boyfriend where you were gradually accepting less until he drifted off.

[SLee]

Yes, give him space and time, but give it to yourself too. YOU need to heal at this point. Allow yourself to grieve and do what you need to do, but remind yourself there is a world outside of him.

 

If the hope motivates you for right now, use it if you have to. But don't hold onto it with every fibre of your being. Don't wait around.

 

It's okay to miss him and wonder if he'll ever come back, let yourself feel those things and don't push them down.

 

It's your life, so live it. Time is too precious to waste. Work hard at what you do and take care of yourself.

 

I was concerned about the people in my life knowing about my break up. He and I were the ideal couple for so long I felt embarrassed and stupid when people asked. Fortunately, most people go through breakups, so most people get it. People also have short attention spans so they won't be concerned for very long.

 

You can get through this. You have a lot to offer the world.

[daisy_098]

Thank you SLee and you're right its time to work on myself, I will always love him and care for him but at the end of the day I want whats best for him, as well as whats best for me. Letting go has been the hardest, but i'm slowly starting to accept that i will be okay because I know I will

 

Spiderowl, thank you and you're right. I literally made him feel like a king and he admits it too but if it was meant to be, he'll come back. he left me, so now i need to live my life. this has been hard but i'm happy ive had wise words to really motivate me to be happy.

[daisy_098]

so its been almost 2 weeks that I last contacted my ex boyfriend and three weeks we broke up, since my last blog I was extremely desperate to get him back.. in tears for literally 2 weeks straight and constantly thinking about him..2 weeks later I still miss him to death and I still have my sad moments I just want to contact and talk to him, but I'm being as strong as possible to not do it. I keep telling myself that I will be okay and maybe one day he will come back because I know I haven't done anything wrong in the relationship.

 

His sister still keeps in contact with me and shes actually been extremely supportive with me and trying to keep me positive and tells me i'm strong and to have faith. She says hes going through a tough time in his life right now and doesn't know what he wants, his job, his personal life, and his own self esteem is stressing him out and he ended our relationship because he just couldn't handle the pressure anymore nor see me hurt. which I know realize maybe it was for the best. I still have hopes that one day we will be together again because I do think about him every single day and my feelings for him have not changed one bit.

 

I avoided posting anything on social media since the break up just so he wouldn't need to see what I'm doing (just try to get my mind off him for once).. its still hard though. Today was the first time I actually posted something On Instagram, a picture of myself and how I'm motivating myself to become a healthier person. (lost 10 pounds already:)) and load and behold my ex actually liked the picture.. yes it may not be a big deal to some but to me it meant the world because we haven't had any contact for 2 weeks now so i guess it shows he is still thinking about me? maybe?

 

well my point of this blog is to show that every heart break has a lesson to be taught and until you realize you don't need someone else but yourself to keep you happy you feel like you've become the strongest person alive (mentally and emotionally) I literally felt as though i was dying without my ex boyfriend, but without the help of my friends, LS, and my mental strength I'm starting to love MYSELF again like i did before my ex boyfriend.

 

Once again I will always love him to death, and will always wait for that phone call of his, but at this second I'M important and this just made me into a stronger person!

Edited May 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[aloneinaz]

I'm glad your feeling better but want to make some observations here. You should have him BLOCKED on everything. You don't want him knowing what you're doing nor should you be checking on him on social media. You should also consider taking a break from his family and friends for several months. You're only staying attached to him emotionally by talking to his sister who's probably filling him in on how you're doing.

 

When people are in love with their partner and they go thru tough times, they LEAN on their love for support and comfort. They don't kick them to the curb. Clearly he was not that into you nor did he probably love you. For you to be hoping to get back together with someone who said "I don't want you in my life" is simply a bit ill logical. Once a relationship breaks, they usually never work after a reconciliation.

 

Again, if you go strict NC and BLOCK him on everything and have no contact w/people he knows, you'll find yourself feeling better faster and faster. You should also continually have a daily affirmation where your telling yourself you will not get back with him and find another guy that won't bail when he gets stressed.