Amorcito Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Hi Loveshack: This is my first ever post. I'm quite puzzled by the state of my relationship and hoped to get some honest feedback from both men and women and the in between. The facts: Both of us are 38 years old. Never been married. Been together since February 2015. If you need more details, please ask! We became exclusive around 6 weeks in. He officially asked me to be his girlfriend and I gladly accepted the role. He's big on "not buying into the fantasy of love" meaning: "I don't fall in love with the idea of love. Falling in love implies falling out of love. I just love." I, on the other hand, have a romantic side, and do like the idea of falling in love and imagining a future together. He has, on occasion, dipped into this idea once in a while, but quickly escapes when he realizes it. In any case: We got into this debate last night about "why" we are together. He sees us as a means to heal old wounds; ie, I remind him of his mom, and he wants to work out the baggage associated with that. I don't however, see that he's in this to necessarily "love me back" or create a future with me. Matter of fact, any mention of a future together sends him into a bout of discontent. He wants me to be very clear that he sees us as a growth opportunity, and thats all he can agree to. He asks for me to be on the same page, but I hesitate, because I do want to think we are working towards a partnership. He hates the idea of that kind of love. So i'm left wondering WTF I'm in this for. I don't want to be used as solely a tool for healing so he can "become healed" through me and find the true love of his life. He claims this goes for the both of us. "We can both be healed so we can offer out our true selves with future partners." Let me also be clear, he's not saying we won't end up together, but he seems to lean towards,"we are in this for growth/healing" and the future is uncertain. I'm not sure if i should continue on with this man, or go with the flow since there is a chance this could work out long term. But because he seems to have set intentions on healing, I am cautious he can't give more than that. Please help me understand what this is all about. Is he afraid of love?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 It sounds like he is just using you for company. This is a complete cop out and is no different from you getting into a fwb where all you get is sex and no emotional connection. This guy is a looney. If he doesn't see a future with you now, then there's no future later.
Versacehottie Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Well, this is strongly based on my own particular preference but if someone told me what he told you, I'd lose interest really quickly. He is talking out of both sides of his mouth. On one hand, he is saying he just wants to love, which sounds very free and bohemian (but often guys use as a tactic to avoid commitment) so it's suspect. However, it's the other statement I would be really concerned and unhappy with: who wants to be the person someone works out their issues on??!! That sounds very heavy and the opposite of a free spirited love thing. Not to mention it is a bad precedent on which to base a relationship. IMO, a guy who says that is not too concerned how you view him which also means he's not in it for the long haul. Also there's the possibility that he's just "one of those types of people", you know the kind that are always dealing with their baggage and seem to have a lot of it. That would have me running for the hills but some people like these type of relationships. Do you?
Author Amorcito Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 I wondered that as well, and asked if he was sure he wanted a "relationship" and not just FWB. He could easily get that if he wanted, but he asserts, "i want the relationship!" When we first started out, he would say "I think we're both ready" and now it seems he's getting cold feet, the more serious we get. He's admitted to being scared, but he doesnt know exactly of what!
Buddhist Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 If he wants healing for his mother issues he should seek a therapist not expect women to become one and expect nothing in return. IMO all this talk about not falling for love and all the rest of it is just bull**** manipulation to get you to agree to be in a relationship that offers you very little that you want and from which he can justify walking away from with the announcement that 'He's done his healing'. What a giant arse. Don't waste your time here. At 40, he should be more mature than this.
Author Amorcito Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 In response to versa: I view relationships as a place to grow and heal. I think it's inevitable, but not the sole reason to be together. So on the one hand, I do fully agree, we can both grow from this. But on the other, relationships encompass so much more, and he seems afraid of committing to that part of it. He does have a lot of baggage. A **** ton of baggage. And I am one of those types who is okay with that, most of the time (i am a therapist!)
Versacehottie Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I wondered that as well, and asked if he was sure he wanted a "relationship" and not just FWB. He could easily get that if he wanted, but he asserts, "i want the relationship!" When we first started out, he would say "I think we're both ready" and now it seems he's getting cold feet, the more serious we get. He's admitted to being scared, but he doesnt know exactly of what! I can deal with scared, I can deal with somewhat of a commitment-phobe. These seem to be relatively common territory with guys--and to be honest, i think it's kind of normal to have these feelings. But I wouldn't willingly sign up to be the one someone is working out their issues on or a lifetime of someone who has heavy issues (neuroses--never feeling settled--having always to sort out mental stuff in his head). That is so far removed from his description of just love. I think he making statements so that he can say to you and himself that you've been warned, ie a signal that there will be future bad behavior to come. I would walk. But why are you feeling torn now? Are you losing feelings for him or just scared that you putting effort into something that will go nowhere? I think we need more information--especially if my advice is to walk (i don't usually say that to people here).
Author Amorcito Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 Definitley not losing feelings for him. my feelings are growing with time. i'm scared that im putting effort into something that'll go nowhere. He claims he is "thirsty" for love and he enjoys the love i give. He gives love in return, just not as often and in the same way.
Buddhist Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 \ He does have a lot of baggage. A **** ton of baggage. And I am one of those types who is okay with that, most of the time (i am a therapist!) Oh. Well now things are clear, he's wanting free sessions.
todreaminblue Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 In a good relationship it is possible to heal.....it just happens....it is normally associated with finding someone you connect with in many ways...not just one way or for one person in the relationship but for both.....and relationships do not have a sole purpose of healing...as i said it happens when you feel safe secure and loved.......but that is a partnership thing where you reach together for a future that is unknown but somehow seems brighter for having that purpose and person in your life...a steadfastness in knowing the other person is there for you ...thick or thin....better or worse.... .you have to give in a relationship....over and over again...but you also have to take something within you...he isnt giving to you....he is taking....and he needs to give as much as you do and you need to have a common purpose a common goal to strive for......all good relationships are like salve to inner wounds....you heal....but not at the expense of causing disillusionment or hurt to someone else in the process....stand your ground....let him know what you would like for a future together.....and dont back down...he either wants the same thing or he doesnt...dont compromise on what you heart so desires so he can heal.thats selfishness on his part.....you arent his mother.....so his baggage resides in her and with her...he needs to sort that stuff out without using you as a proxy....and for him then to deny you have a future together...thats not a relationship...its babysitting him for another......i wish you well....deb 1
Versacehottie Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Well I can see from your occupation that your tolerance and taste for these sorts of guys would be way higher than the average person. So maybe that part is possible. That said, I'm not sure how to describe it but agree and understand from what you said about not accessing the other part of you, THAT is still a big problem. It's pretty narcissistic of him to "use" you within the relationship this way. and very one-sided relationship you are signing up for. There must be some part of you that realizes what he is offering is not balanced and full. You know how sometimes even when a relationship is new, it feels as full and well-rounded as it can possibly be for the current stage. This happens even if a guy is scared, not quite ready or commitment phobic. But then there are also the relationships where they are only accessing a layer or two of who you are because it serves their purpose, those layers. That's a red flag. I agree people should grow within relationships. I typically like growth that comes from a positive source--rather than working out issues as a major source. Undoubtedly some negative stuff will be worked out/worked on within a relationship too but as the glue that holds you together? Ugh, I want more for anyone I'm friends with. You want someone who sees you fully, who you can relax with and sees your fun, light side as well as your serious, nuturing side not to mention your profession. I would be a touch worried that your occupation is part of reason he's drawn to you. Test that he is interested and engaged in the other parts. I wouldn't give it too long--test quickly and directly to get your answer. Good luck
Author Amorcito Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 I mean, is there any chance that he's just terrified?? And that he's setting the expectations low as a way to protect himself? I mean, if we both do all that healing, wouldn't it seem we'd stay together after making it through all that Bull****? Can't tell if I'm in denial, and hoping for something that'll never be, or if he's just one of those guys with an iced over heart who needs time, understanding, trust and love to fully open up to the idea.
Versacehottie Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I mean, is there any chance that he's just terrified?? And that he's setting the expectations low as a way to protect himself? I mean, if we both do all that healing, wouldn't it seem we'd stay together after making it through all that Bull****? Can't tell if I'm in denial, and hoping for something that'll never be, or if he's just one of those guys with an iced over heart who needs time, understanding, trust and love to fully open up to the idea. Yes he could be terrified or a user or a headcase. I think people usually set expectations low in order to protect THEMSELVES, ie they get to be lazy and self-serving. You are investing a lot for a distant possibility. I think it's odd if he's the one who asked you to be exclusive that he's turning into a problem now. You said: In any case: We got into this debate last night about "why" we are together. He sees us as a means to heal old wounds; ie, I remind him of his mom, and he wants to work out the baggage associated with that. I don't however, see that he's in this to necessarily "love me back" or create a future with me. Matter of fact, any mention of a future together sends him into a bout of discontent. He wants me to be very clear that he sees us as a growth opportunity, and thats all he can agree to. He asks for me to be on the same page, but I hesitate, because I do want to think we are working towards a partnership. He hates the idea of that kind of love. So i'm left wondering WTF I'm in this for. I don't want to be used as solely a tool for healing so he can "become healed" through me and find the true love of his life. He claims this goes for the both of us. "We can both be healed so we can offer out our true selves with future partners." Let me also be clear, he's not saying we won't end up together, but he seems to lean towards,"we are in this for growth/healing" and the future is uncertain. I'm not sure if i should continue on with this man, or go with the flow since there is a chance this could work out long term. But because he seems to have set intentions on healing, I am cautious he can't give more than that. I'm not sure you guys are on the same page. He wants to heal and has even commented that it may be for a future partner!!! Not you. That's warning language. You are going with flow to appear as if that's your nature but it's not the way you feel. You have doubts now. Stick up for yourself. Test him. Be clear of what you want. See if he as immediate intention to live up to that. Otherwise walk. You can't be afraid to walk away. It gives you the most power to get what you want (from him or someone else). 1
Redhead14 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Hi Loveshack: This is my first ever post. I'm quite puzzled by the state of my relationship and hoped to get some honest feedback from both men and women and the in between. The facts: Both of us are 38 years old. Never been married. Been together since February 2015. If you need more details, please ask! We became exclusive around 6 weeks in. He officially asked me to be his girlfriend and I gladly accepted the role. He's big on "not buying into the fantasy of love" meaning: "I don't fall in love with the idea of love. Falling in love implies falling out of love. I just love." I, on the other hand, have a romantic side, and do like the idea of falling in love and imagining a future together. He has, on occasion, dipped into this idea once in a while, but quickly escapes when he realizes it. In any case: We got into this debate last night about "why" we are together. He sees us as a means to heal old wounds; ie, I remind him of his mom, and he wants to work out the baggage associated with that. I don't however, see that he's in this to necessarily "love me back" or create a future with me. Matter of fact, any mention of a future together sends him into a bout of discontent. He wants me to be very clear that he sees us as a growth opportunity, and thats all he can agree to. He asks for me to be on the same page, but I hesitate, because I do want to think we are working towards a partnership. He hates the idea of that kind of love. So i'm left wondering WTF I'm in this for. I don't want to be used as solely a tool for healing so he can "become healed" through me and find the true love of his life. He claims this goes for the both of us. "We can both be healed so we can offer out our true selves with future partners." Let me also be clear, he's not saying we won't end up together, but he seems to lean towards,"we are in this for growth/healing" and the future is uncertain. I'm not sure if i should continue on with this man, or go with the flow since there is a chance this could work out long term. But because he seems to have set intentions on healing, I am cautious he can't give more than that. Please help me understand what this is all about. Is he afraid of love? He is telling you that he wants the company of a woman but doesn't want to invest emotionally in her. He wants to use you to "wipe off" the stench of the past. You will end up being an emotional punching bag when feelings come up for him that he needs to get out of his system. He wants to leave all his baggage with you and when he feels ready, he will seek someone for a real relationship and leave you with his baggage and whatever baggage you had. Move on from this. He is not afraid of love. He wants love but knows that until he can get over his past, he won't be able to have the love he wants or be a good partner for someone else and it's not going to be you because --- you will be damaged by this relationship and have too much baggage.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 He's using you. He doesn't see a future with you but enjoys your company and "healing" properties until he is ready for a real relationship, which probably won't be with you. Is that all you are looking for? Sounds like it's not. Get out now; this won't end well for you. 1
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