For the [wayward spouse] who was never caught and never confessed...

[Cephalopod]

I think many spouses who are cheating on their wives or husbands also need to consider that their spouses would probably be better off without them in their lives, causing chaos and pain and unnecessary drama. It is not always the betrayed spouse's fault that the marriage goes bad. I think that sometimes much of the turmoil exists inside of the wayward person and not their marriage.

 

After my wife left, I was miserable for about a year. Then, after I learned how to be a single dad and learned that I could have enjoyable, casual relationships with women, I actually woke up and realized how much better and freer my life was without being chained to that toxic, dysfunctional person! I would cut my own leg off before I went back to that.

[ttfn555]

My husband denied, denied and denied even when I begged for him to just tell me and set me free, but no, it had be done by the OW who was following us in her car. They told me in a parking lot, nice. but like you, I have full custody of my kids, my XH and girlfriend have split after losing her house, her job, and are close to homeless. I don't wish that on anyone but oh well. I do wish he could have told me, at our home, in private, that would have been respectful.

[waterwoman]

Well I was the BS most recently but many years ago I had what I now realise was an EA at work many many years ago. When the OM tried to take it further I panicked, ended my relationship with him and left my job. Never told DH and kept it all secret for 20 years.

 

The effect it had on our marriage was to enable me to step back from our relationship - if things were bad I was able to think about OM and comfort myself that he really did love me () as he was prepared to leave his GF for me. I used those memories as a kind of emotional shield when I really needed to be open and vulnerable to H.

 

H and I had our children not long after this and that pushed H and I apart a little too as we were so manically busy all the time.

 

For me keeping it secret was a mistake. It damaged our marriage to the point where H felt so distant from me, he had his own A. I hadn't realised how much damage it had done until I looked back over our long history and saw where things started to unravel.

[RoseVille]

Thanks for your contributions, everyone. It's interesting to see the commonalities, as well as the differences.