For the [wayward spouse] who was never caught and never confessed...

[RoseVille]

How was your marriage changed by the A, if at all?

[violet1]

I had a D Day. A little before my A started and during, I lurked and was a member of a couple forums that were specifically for waywards to discuss their affairs. From what I read, a WS that never gets caught usually ends up in another affair. I know some people disagree, but IMO cheating can become a serious addiction. Sometimes it happens years after the first affair. I remember reading about one lady who had her 2nd affair 25 years after her 1st and she was never caught.

 

 

I used to not believe this, but I have come to the conclusion that a marriage cannot thrive to it's fullest with one spouse holding onto such a deep, dark secret. There's always going to be a wedge in between the two spouses in which one person is unaware of. Is living in a marriage blissfully unknowing truly blissful? That's a question I ask myself, but I

don't know the answer.

[Sassy Girl]

I gave up more of myself than I ever thought I would...and that's on me.

 

My marriage? Meh. Not so much.

[RoseVille]

I gave up more of myself than I ever thought I would...and that's on me.

 

My marriage? Meh. Not so much.

 

Your marriage hasn't changed at all?

[Sassy Girl]

Your marriage hasn't changed at all?

 

It was already dysfunctional. My affair has not helped. Just created another issue.

[Got it]

I wasn't but I also separated at the beginning of the affair and divorced after the state time requirement.

[harrybrown]

It was already dysfunctional. My affair has not helped. Just created another issue.

 

 

Affairs help a marriage like the bombs that fell on Pearl Harbor helped the servicemen in the ships below.

[autumnnight]

One could argue that a person who is truly capable of carrying such a big secret WITHOUT it affecting their marriage has serious issues that eclipse even the A. I mean, who could live with someone they loved enough to make vows to day after day and KNOW every day that there was such a secret and NOT have themselves and the relationship affected?

[GoldieLox]

I had a self-induced d-day, and while that doesn't exactly fit the parameters of what you were asking, I can tell you this... if I HADN'T told, my marriage would've been over. Kaput.

 

Time will tell what becomes of it now.

[RoseVille]

I had a self-induced d-day, and while that doesn't exactly fit the parameters of what you were asking, I can tell you this... if I HADN'T told, my marriage would've been over. Kaput.

 

Time will tell what becomes of it now.

 

Why is that?

[GoldieLox]

Why is that?

 

Because the whole situation was like an elephant in the room. Communication broke down, walls went up, and energy was being filtered and focused elsewhere. Plus even if my husband was going to leave, he deserved to know. He already knew anyway apparently but he deserved the whole truth.

[BetrayedH]

Because the whole situation was like an elephant in the room. Communication broke down, walls went up, and energy was being filtered and focused elsewhere. Plus even if my husband was going to leave, he deserved to know. He already knew anyway apparently but he deserved the whole truth.

 

Kudos to your for your disclosure. I'm sure it's horribly difficult but I think living an honest and authentic life is ultimately going to do a world of good for both of you. It's tough to see that thru a lot of short-term anguish. But I thought you should know that someone (even if it's just some random dude on the internet) thinks you did a very courageous and noble thing. Best of luck to you, however it turns out.

[RoseVille]

Because the whole situation was like an elephant in the room. Communication broke down, walls went up, and energy was being filtered and focused elsewhere. Plus even if my husband was going to leave, he deserved to know. He already knew anyway apparently but he deserved the whole truth.

 

Was your A still ongoing or had you ended it?

[Grapesofwrath]

I had a D Day. A little before my A started and during, I lurked and was a member of a couple forums that were specifically for waywards to discuss their affairs. From what I read, a WS that never gets caught usually ends up in another affair. I know some people disagree, but IMO cheating can become a serious addiction. Sometimes it happens years after the first affair. I remember reading about one lady who had her 2nd affair 25 years after her 1st and she was never caught.

 

 

I used to not believe this, but I have come to the conclusion that a marriage cannot thrive to it's fullest with one spouse holding onto such a deep, dark secret. There's always going to be a wedge in between the two spouses in which one person is unaware of. Is living in a marriage blissfully unknowing truly blissful? That's a question I ask myself, but I

don't know the answer.

 

My xMM says it was 18 years between the last time he cheated and when he met me. If that is true, I would liken that to your example. Like an addict in remission, relapse is part of the disease.

[GoldieLox]

Kudos to your for your disclosure. I'm sure it's horribly difficult but I think living an honest and authentic life is ultimately going to do a world of good for both of you. It's tough to see that thru a lot of short-term anguish. But I thought you should know that someone (even if it's just some random dude on the internet) thinks you did a very courageous and noble thing. Best of luck to you, however it turns out.

 

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words.

[GoldieLox]

Was your A still ongoing or had you ended it?

 

I came to the conclusion my husband needed to know before the affair was over. I told him after it was over. Everything simply got too much. He already pretty much knew and knew with whom, but he was waiting for me to tell him. He says my honesty and the decision to come to him was the deciding factor in him staying.

[RoseVille]

I came to the conclusion my husband needed to know before the affair was over. I told him after it was over. Everything simply got too much. He already pretty much knew and knew with whom, but he was waiting for me to tell him. He says my honesty and the decision to come to him was the deciding factor in him staying.

 

That doesn't surprise me. I imagine I'd feel the same way.

 

What motivated you to tell him? What was your reason? Guilt? You wanted to move past it?

[GoldieLox]

That doesn't surprise me. I imagine I'd feel the same way.

 

What motivated you to tell him? What was your reason? Guilt? You wanted to move past it?

 

Confessing an affair just to alleviate your own guilt is bull$hit, in my opinion. It's almost as selfish as having the affair in the first place. If you look back to the thread I made a month ago, you can read why I did it. To save the marriage and because it should be both people holding the cards in a marriage, not one. I wasn't going to stand there and renew my vows on a lie.

[TheOneYouHate]

How was your marriage changed by the A, if at all?

 

Made me look at all the faults in my spouse, made her look less appealing to me, and she is much prettier than my AP. Made her distant, feel crappy about herself and has made a mess out of her happy life. Even though I try to reassure her over and over that she is not the problem. It has absolutely wrecked my marriage and myself. She doesn't know about the A, and it has caused this damage.

 

I read somewhere to identify what got you into the affair and take those things and get them into your marriage. Easier said than done, because until there is open honest communication that won't happen.Of course if they don't know about an A how is that open and honest anyway.

 

Just my two cents.

[Spark1111]

the Late and great Dr. Frank Pittman classifies affairs into a few groups.

 

He counseled thousands of couples to determine his groups.

 

It is possible to have a situational "oops" like a ONS on a business trip, but the morning after everyone has choices.....

 

they can decide it is the worst thing they ever did, vow to never do it again, and recommit to their marriage and give it 150%.

 

OR, they can tell themselves how good it felt, how what their spouse doesn't know can't hurt them and, if and when the next opportunity arises...well, it's okay.

 

Those cheaters have just discovered a new extra curricular activity and CREATE opportunities to cheat. They believe that if they are discreet, their marriage will not suffer.

 

They are wrong...but you need to read Dr. Frank Pittman to find out why.

[Cephalopod]

I think to admit you cheated on the person you love is the most selfless thing you can do. I wish my ex-wife would have done that, instead of letting me find about her many affairs through friends and acquaintences. It was a horribly humiliating experience. I felt like I had been robbed of my choice. I felt like the year of our marriage during which she was carrying on her affairs was a year of my life that was stolen from me. I guess none of you would understand. Anyway, just my two cents.

[katielee]

He says my honesty and the decision to come to him was the deciding factor in him staying.

 

this has been one of the hardest things about recovering with my husband. He didn't confess to either affair.

[gettingstronger]

I think to admit you cheated on the person you love is the most selfless thing you can do. I wish my ex-wife would have done that, instead of letting me find about her many affairs through friends and acquaintences. It was a horribly humiliating experience. I felt like I had been robbed of my choice. I felt like the year of our marriage during which she was carrying on her affairs was a year of my life that was stolen from me. I guess none of you would understand. Anyway, just my two cents.

 

 

No, I totally understand- not knowing the truth of your own life is one of the most horrible feelings in the world-it truly is- and for you to find out through humiliating experiences just adds to that-its just awful and I am sorry-

[katielee]

 

I read somewhere to identify what got you into the affair and take those things and get them into your marriage.

 

Just my two cents.

 

what? Lying and cheating and having secrets? It is nothing more than ego validation. People shouldn't need external sources for that so I don't know how that would translate to a marriage.

[Cephalopod]

No, I totally understand- not knowing the truth of your own life is one of the most horrible feelings in the world-it truly is- and for you to find out through humiliating experiences just adds to that-its just awful and I am sorry-

 

Oh don't be sorry. It was a learning experience. It taught me some very important life lessons. Lesson Number 1 is to be true to yourself above all others. Lesson 2? Never put anyone above yourself, or on a pedestal, or worship someone else. That is what I did with my ex-wife. And when I finally found out she betrayed me, it was like my world had fallen out from underneath me. I am proud of myself for the way I handled it afterwards. I didn't beg her to stop. I just asked her to move out if she was going to continue her cheating and drug abuse. I told her I did not want that behavior going on around our child.

 

We split up with the intent of sharing custody. Two months after the diorce was finalized she moved across country with one of her affair partners and left our daughter with me That was three years ago. She has seen her daughter maybe three times since. I'm so glad she finally came clean and admitted who and what she really was so that I could move on with my life without her disfunction holding me back. Best thing that ever happened to me. And I got a beautiful daughter out of the deal, so I didn't lose anything that I didn't need.