gzlu Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Just a couple of days ago my boyfriend (whom I have been dating for a little over a year) and I decided to go on a break because he has been struggling with balancing a relationship with his Navy SEAL training. We decided to take a break until August then revisit our relationship. I am devastated and not ready to give up on us yet. Right now he feels he needs to be 100% focused on his training to make it through BUDS (SEAL training camp). He asked for a break because he thought that our relationship was distracting him from that. I am seeing if anyone here is a girlfriend or wife of a fellow Navy SEAL or prospective SEAL and can give me some advice. As someone who doesn't know that much about the military or training, I have tried to be there for him for the best I can. But I want to see what I else I can do. I don't want our relationship to be a burden to him. What is the best way that I can help him support his dream? Support him with his training? How can I convince him to give us another shot and that our relationship can only help him and not hinder him? I would love some feedback or advice, or for anyone to share their personal experiences.
Satu Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I would like to learn Japanese, so I'm going to have a break from my relationship until I'm fluent in Japanese. I think two to three years will be long enough. . . . . . . Sister, find yourself a new and better boyfriend... 1
Brojo Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Hey there, sorry to hear about your break. I can give you some personal experiences when it comes to relationships and the Military. Believe it or not, the military is more important than you. I know it's hard to see but that's the way it is. I've had a relationship and went to boot camp and it was extremely stressful, but that's because my partner added to that stress. It's possible to be in a relationship while undergoing military training, but the partner needs to be completely shut off. Meaning, don't talk to him about how upset you are, or how much you miss him. Tell him how proud you are of him, and that he'll make it through it. It's all a game and he'll have a hard time beating it if you distract him. If we wants a break now, let him have it. Don't add extra stress, it's just going to push him further from you. - don't be offended, it doesn't mean you're not important. Military creates a huge sense of pride and honor. If you somewhat prevent him from pursue it, he will always blame you inside. I underwent military training 2 years ago and left it because I missed my girlfriend. Did I regret it? You bet. Am I still in a relationship with this girl? No way. On a good note, i'm undergoing training again in june! Best of luck! It's going to be a rough trip but very worth it!
Ruby65 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 If the President of the United States is able to stay married without a "break", I'm sure your boyfriend could manage to date you during his SEALS training if he really wanted to. It's not your job to convince him to stay with you! It's your job to walk away and focus on yourself and your own healing, and let him chase after you if he ever changes his mind. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck to you -- keep posting! 2
Brojo Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 If the President of the United States is able to stay married without a "break", I'm sure your boyfriend could manage to date you during his SEALS training if he really wanted to. It's not your job to convince him to stay with you! It's your job to walk away and focus on yourself and your own healing, and let him chase after you if he ever changes his mind. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck to you -- keep posting! They're not married in this case. There's a huge difference, not to mention Obama didn't go through SEALS training, don't get me started.
Ruby65 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 They're not married in this case. There's a huge difference, not to mention Obama didn't go through SEALS training, don't get me started. Oh, brother. I refuse to accept the military is anymore of a valid excuse for a break than a doctor going through medical training or a showrunner of a network series working 80+ hours a week with 300 people under her. You want to try a brutal tour of duty? Try having A NEWBORN. This guy should be ashamed of himself for using the US military as an excuse for dumping his girlfriend! Breaks are a cowards way of breaking up. 1
Brojo Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Oh, brother. I refuse to accept the military is anymore of a valid excuse for a break than a doctor going through medical training or a showrunner of a network series working 80+ hours a week with 300 people under her. You want to try a brutal tour of duty? Try having A NEWBORN. This guy should be ashamed of himself for using the US military as an excuse for dumping his girlfriend! Breaks are a cowards way of breaking up. We don't know all of the information though, she could be overbearing or causing stress, perhaps she tried to sway him not to go, whatever it may be. Did you serve a tour of duty with a newborn? Lets be honest here, right now shes just a GIRLFRIEND. The military doesn't even know she EXISTS until they're married. Which means, once he's posted and gone, they will not be able to move together for a very long time. It could have been a huge factor into this decision. 1
Ruby65 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 My point was, NO MATTER WHAT life throws at you.... when you want to be with someone, you stay with them. Breaks = breakups. 1
Brojo Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 My point was, NO MATTER WHAT life throws at you.... when you want to be with someone, you stay with them. Breaks = breakups. Yes, I completely agree. I was just trying to help her see clearly that this is a unique case. She needs to remember that the Military changes a persons perspective, he's probably going to miss her a lot. Who knows, maybe when he's back from training he may want to tie the knot and take you with him.
NC-Thomas Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 The one and only right thing you can do right now is completely back off and let him do his thing no matter how much you miss him or want to talk to him. The more you get on his back, the lower your chances will ever be for getting back together. Go your own way and there might be a chance he will change his mind. Just don't go and wait for him, make your own plans no matter how hard it is. This is the only way to go, don't call him, text him, tell him you love him / miss him. It WON'T work. Also "having a break" generally means breaking-off but slowly... 90% of the times its like this.
Author gzlu Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 I don't believe that I am overbearing or unsupportive. I have told him many times how proud I am of him for chasing after his dream. Though I am not a fan of his decision, I still support everything that he is doing. I told him that it's normal for relationships to come with their ups and downs, and I understand that right now his training is a priority over us. I told him all of this yet he says he feels he cannot be with me right now because he needs to focus on his training and himself. He believes that if we stay together, he will be saying goodbye to becoming a SEAL. In his mind it's very black and white when really there is so much grey areas. I just simply cannot understand why two people who love and care for each other can't figure out a way to make things work.
Ruby65 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 He could make it work if he wanted to. Sweetie, he doesn't want to. 1
Author gzlu Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 He told me that during our 3 month break we can check in occasionally with each other - and he told me that if I ever needed him I could call him. When we ended our conversation he also told me that he loved me. How am I supposed to let go of someone that tells me these things and shows that he cares? There's just so much conflicting emotion. The rational part of me knows that you're right and that it'll probably hurt me less if I broke it off now - for good. But I just can't get myself to let go because I love him so much and want to make this work.
aloneinaz Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I couldn't agree with Ruby more. The training is a convienent excuse to break up, nothing more, nothing less. If he truely loved you, he could manage both. Time to move on and find someone who will make you an important part of their lives..This guy clearly didn't.. 1
aloneinaz Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 He told me that during our 3 month break we can check in occasionally with each other - and he told me that if I ever needed him I could call him. When we ended our conversation he also told me that he loved me. How am I supposed to let go of someone that tells me these things and shows that he cares? There's just so much conflicting emotion. The rational part of me knows that you're right and that it'll probably hurt me less if I broke it off now - for good. But I just can't get myself to let go because I love him so much and want to make this work. Sweetie, If he TRULY loved you, he wouldn't ask for a "break".. When I'm in love with a women, truly in love, the last thing I would EVEN consider is breaking up with them knowing they could meet and sleep w/someone else. Not to mention the risk of losing them forever. This is exactly what's he doing to you. He wants the door kept open so when he completes his training, if he's found nothing else, theres the potential to have a back up plan. I personally wouldn't be anyones back-up plan. Be positive, wish him luck, go NC and find someone else so "if" he contacted you after his training, you could say "sorry, I've met someone else who makes me a priority in his life, un-like you".. 1
Satu Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 The problem here, the real problem, is the fact you say, "we agreed," when you didn't. You didn't agree. You don't agree now. You don't want this break. You had no choice. What he wants is more important to him than you and what you want. That can never be made to work, because successful relationships are built on equality and mutuality. Navy SEAL, Postman, Pizza Chef. It doesn't matter. He's selfish. He doesn't love you enough. And by the way, your relationship has already ended. Sorry. 1
fireflywy Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) I don't believe that I am overbearing or unsupportive. I have told him many times how proud I am of him for chasing after his dream. Though I am not a fan of his decision, I still support everything that he is doing. I told him that it's normal for relationships to come with their ups and downs, and I understand that right now his training is a priority over us. I told him all of this yet he says he feels he cannot be with me right now because he needs to focus on his training and himself. He believes that if we stay together, he will be saying goodbye to becoming a SEAL. In his mind it's very black and white when really there is so much grey areas. I just simply cannot understand why two people who love and care for each other can't figure out a way to make things work. He doesn't love you the way you love him. He loves his dream more. Edited May 9, 2015 by fireflywy 1
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