laelithia Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 About a month and a half ago, my new boyfriend (we were friends before that for about a year) disclosed history of abuse when he was a child. I told him that I supported him and thought he was incredibly brave for sharing it with me. I feel like we have become closer since then, and talk more. However, since then he has not initiated intimacy. Even kissing seems limited to when he goes to work or when we say goodbye. I'm not sure if this is linked to him talking about his abuse but I'm guessing it is. Before this he was a very sexual person and initiated sex often with me. Another factor I'm guessing is that before last week he wasn't working and was depressed over where he thought he should be at this point of his life as a 28 year old. I'm worried of bringing the topic up too much because he seems self conscious and apologetic for it but he doesn't know the cause of it. He says he doesn't masturbate anymore either. I'm hoping as he gains more confidence in his new job and he feels better about himself this issue will resolve, but I'm worried it's a deeper issue and I'm not sure what to do. I've suggested counselling and he said he thinks it would be beneficial but hasn't gone. What do you think I should do?
jen1447 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 If you're in it for the long haul and you're willing to be patient and set your own sexual needs aside, just show him nonjudgmental love. Cuddling, hugs, etc. Hopefully it will resolve and in the meantime he'll know you still love him regardless. If sex is a bigger priority for you, you may have to re-evaluate the relationship and/or have some 'tough talks' - not threats but talks where you make your needs clear and find out if he's able to satisfy them.
Author laelithia Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 If you're in it for the long haul and you're willing to be patient and set your own sexual needs aside, just show him nonjudgmental love. Cuddling, hugs, etc. Hopefully it will resolve and in the meantime he'll know you still love him regardless. If sex is a bigger priority for you, you may have to re-evaluate the relationship and/or have some 'tough talks' - not threats but talks where you make your needs clear and find out if he's able to satisfy them. I definitely want to give it a shot before I call it quits. How long do you think I should try to show him non judgemental love? I've been doing this for about 3 weeks now. I'm hopeful things will improve but I'm worried I'm getting placed in the friendship category
Ronni_W Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 laelithia, Clearly you are already aware that properly supporting someone who will need to heal from childhood abuse is no small task. You may wish to do your own research so that you can feel more confident and "up to the challenge", as it were. Online resources or local support groups could offer insight and suggestions. You could also tell your b/f that you are feeling somewhat out of your depth as to how, exactly, is the best way that HE needs for you to show your love and support. Your message will also be that you do care deeply, and are not judging him. (Sometimes we can feel judged even though the judgement is not coming from the outside, but rather it is coming from an inner judgment, shame, guilt, self-blame, etc.) His telling you about it most likely was a HUGE step for him. He may not feel quite ready for professional help for some while longer. Trust him -- his own inner wisdom -- that he will get there when he gets there. Do not press the issue, unless you get clear messages from others who have been through what he has, on how to discuss HIS healing journey with him. And, even then, also trust your own heart/intuition, as to what may or may not be helpful FOR HIM, for you to say or do in any given moment...after all, you know him better than any resource or book. Sending you both lots of loving, healing energies.
Redhead14 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 About a month and a half ago, my new boyfriend (we were friends before that for about a year) disclosed history of abuse when he was a child. I told him that I supported him and thought he was incredibly brave for sharing it with me. I feel like we have become closer since then, and talk more. However, since then he has not initiated intimacy. Even kissing seems limited to when he goes to work or when we say goodbye. I'm not sure if this is linked to him talking about his abuse but I'm guessing it is. Before this he was a very sexual person and initiated sex often with me. Another factor I'm guessing is that before last week he wasn't working and was depressed over where he thought he should be at this point of his life as a 28 year old. I'm worried of bringing the topic up too much because he seems self conscious and apologetic for it but he doesn't know the cause of it. He says he doesn't masturbate anymore either. I'm hoping as he gains more confidence in his new job and he feels better about himself this issue will resolve, but I'm worried it's a deeper issue and I'm not sure what to do. I've suggested counselling and he said he thinks it would be beneficial but hasn't gone. What do you think I should do? This is a huge issue to deal with. Childhood sexual abuse causes a deep sense of shame that affects the ability to have healthy attachments in future relationships. It also sometimes causes the person to be very sexual even though they are ashamed of doing it. They feel that they are obligated to do it. That being said, you should not pressure or talk about this often with him. He needs professional counseling. Talking about this has to be done in a "safe" environment. It is very easy to "trigger" a person who has been abused and knowing how to manage it with the person who is triggered is extremely important. If it's not dealt with properly, the person could experience some very deep significant and overwhelming emotions. You say above that he is depressed. Talking about all this on top of being depressed is going to cause him to pull away. He's processing a lot and can't fully engage in the relationship right now. If you are able to PM me, I can give you some advice about how to move forward if you like.
jen1447 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I definitely want to give it a shot before I call it quits. How long do you think I should try to show him non judgemental love? I've been doing this for about 3 weeks now. I'm hopeful things will improve but I'm worried I'm getting placed in the friendship category Be prepared to go that route a lot longer than three weeks. The friendship thing is a concern tho. As long as you were romantic partners, even without sex, that'd be one thing, but if you think this situation is reducing you to something less, that's another. I personally don't think that you owe him the same level of consideration as a simple friend that you do as a partner.
Author laelithia Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 Thank you so much everyone for your helpful responses. Going forward, should I continue being as supportive as possible? It was definitely a huge step for him to open up to me like that since much of what he disclosed he hasn't even told his best friend he's had since grade school and the only other people aware are his family members. He has a difficult time with expressing his emotions to others and often avoids deep conversations but he seems to be making a real effort with us and has told me he's much happier with me in his life and wants us to work. He is so hard on himself already that I don't want him to think of himself as a "failure" in this as well. He's a very intelligent and interesting person and is very kind and tho thoughtful of me. My friends and family warn me that this is a difficult person to have a relationship with but I am not going to give up on him as I have dated others and never had the chemistry and connection I have had with him. Prior to the disclosure of all that's happened in his past, we had an amazing sex life as well. I'm hoping with enough support this will return and he will feel overall better about himself
Downtown Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Laelithia, I suggest you take a look at the symptoms for AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) to see if most sound very familiar. If so, and if you decide to continue dating him, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with. Although you're not capable of diagnosing your BF, you are capable of spotting the warning signs for a PD if he has moderate to strong traits of one -- and if you take a little time to learn what behaviors to look for. Importantly, most abused children do not develop a PD but that abuse (especially if it is sexual and prolonged) greatly raises the risk for doing so.
Author laelithia Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Laelithia, I suggest you take a look at the symptoms for AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) to see if most sound very familiar. If so, and if you decide to continue dating him, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with. Although you're not capable of diagnosing your BF, you are capable of spotting the warning signs for a PD if he has moderate to strong traits of one -- and if you take a little time to learn what behaviors to look for. Importantly, most abused children do not develop a PD but that abuse (especially if it is sexual and prolonged) greatly raises the risk for doing so. I don't think he has AP... He's not shy, very social, and has tons of friends. It just seems to be specifically intimate relationships he struggles with. Last night he got drunk with his friends and I went to pick him up. He said something about my driving and I got angry since I drove all the way to get him and slammed the door when we got back to mine. Not very mature at all. But after that he completely shut down. I asked him why he treated me this way and he wouldn't answer. I asked him if he even cared, and he said no. I asked again and he said "apparently I don't care about anything". I asked him if he cared about me, and he just didn't answer. I know he was very drunk but I just feel hurt after everything. I've been trying so hard but I have no idea what's going to happen...
gaius Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 I don't know, a lot of women seem to think that guys enjoy sharing every little detail from our lives, that it makes us feel closer and more intimate with someone. And while that's true on some level, it can very humiliating for the guy for the girl to know certain details. To the point he doesn't want to be with her anymore because he can't feel like a man in front of her, with what she knows. I'm guessing he probably told you that because he wants to break up on some level. And since you didn't take the hint he's just gonna keep getting more miserable and unhappy with you until you do.
Author laelithia Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 I don't know, a lot of women seem to think that guys enjoy sharing every little detail from our lives, that it makes us feel closer and more intimate with someone. And while that's true on some level, it can very humiliating for the guy for the girl to know certain details. To the point he doesn't want to be with her anymore because he can't feel like a man in front of her, with what she knows. I'm guessing he probably told you that because he wants to break up on some level. And since you didn't take the hint he's just gonna keep getting more miserable and unhappy with you until you do. I guess this is possible but last time we talked about it he tole me he's "much, much happier" when we're together and wants to figure it out. I just am so conflicted and I don't know what he wants exactly or maybe what he feels capable of in terms of a strong relationship
preraph Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 See if he doesn't perk up once he gets settled into his new job. If not, you'll have to ask him what's up.
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