kimbele Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Hi, I need some help to try to understand the situation here. Short story: Me and this girl dated 5 years ago, we are now both 24. It was nothing really serious but we had a great time that summer. She moved away from my country to study and that was it. She left with the words "Maybe we meet again" which sticks to me to this day because guess what, she's back in my life sort of. In the meantime we've had our relationships with other people. But no one can really compare to this girl, we have a lot in common and i've always thought about her from time to time. I met her again a couple of months ago, we now live in the same city. She has a boyfriend (long distance). We have gone out a couple of times now. She has asked me out, and i have done the same. Nothing romantic has happened yet, maybe because i feel abit awkward since she has a bf. And i don't want to make a move - yet. The question is; What does she want? And what should i do? I think i'm about to fall for her again, so my life is like a roller coaster right now.
Buddhist Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I think what she wants is to reconnect, for what purpose exactly I don't know, but I'm suspicious that she wants to see if the old flame is there. What do you do? You tell her point blank that until she is properly single you won't be going on dates with her. Unless of course you don't mind her cheating on her LD bf. 1
darkmoon Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 no sex til she ends it with him, see how serious she is by asking 1
Guitarisgood Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 1) SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. She's reconnecting with you while her boyfriend is away and guess what, you're gonna stay a 'friend' as when the boyfriend is back, you're out of the picture. 2) She HAS A BOYFRIEND. There are that many woman in the world but you let yourself fixated on this one? 3
Author kimbele Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 1) SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. She's reconnecting with you while her boyfriend is away and guess what, you're gonna stay a 'friend' as when the boyfriend is back, you're out of the picture. 2) She HAS A BOYFRIEND. There are that many woman in the world but you let yourself fixated on this one? Nah, as far as i can figure he is going to stay in that country. Just got a job there. She didn't like it over there so she is not going back. I think its just a matter of time before the rs is over.
Toodaloo Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Talk to her about this. But you need to lay down ground rules. If she wants anything romantic with you she must be single first. Seriously you need to just sit down and have a quiet chat. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 At most she wants a friendship with you. Since you want to date her this isn't going to work. Until she picks you by dumping the BF you have nothing with her. 1
sandylee1 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 She probably wants to see if the old feelings are still there and maybe only then will she end it with her BF. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Hi, I need some help to try to understand the situation here. Short story: Me and this girl dated 5 years ago, we are now both 24. It was nothing really serious but we had a great time that summer. She moved away from my country to study and that was it. She left with the words "Maybe we meet again" which sticks to me to this day because guess what, she's back in my life sort of. In the meantime we've had our relationships with other people. But no one can really compare to this girl, we have a lot in common and i've always thought about her from time to time. I met her again a couple of months ago, we now live in the same city. She has a boyfriend (long distance). We have gone out a couple of times now. She has asked me out, and i have done the same. Nothing romantic has happened yet, maybe because i feel abit awkward since she has a bf. And i don't want to make a move - yet. The question is; What does she want? And what should i do? I think i'm about to fall for her again, so my life is like a roller coaster right now. What does she want? And what should i do? -- You have a casual but direct conversation with her. You say "I'm enjoying spending time with you. I want a long-term, committed relationship for myself with someone in the future. You have a boyfriend." And then, let her talk. If she says she wants to pursue a relationship with you, you remind her that she has a boyfriend who probably loves her and that she needs to think about why it is she is looking for someone else while still in a relationship. And, that you are uncomfortable with this. If she says she just wants to be friends, you say OK and see her only on a friendly basis occassionally and do not attempt to advance anything else. 1
Satu Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Respect boundaries; your own as well as others. She has a boyfriend. That's a boundary, right there in front of you.
Popsicle Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I don't even bother with men who have a girlfriend or wife. Not interested in being friends with them either (maybe distant associates is ok). It makes your life easier that way. I've learned this the hard way.
Author kimbele Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 Sure, she has a boyfriend. Thats why i don't have made a move yet. I really like her and as i said, i'm about to fall for her again and that puts me in a vulnerable situation. Should i just stay away? i mean, if she has feelings for me now, will they vanish if i don't initiate any contact?
Popsicle Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Sure, she has a boyfriend. Thats why i don't have made a move yet. I really like her and as i said, i'm about to fall for her again and that puts me in a vulnerable situation. Should i just stay away? i mean, if she has feelings for me now, will they vanish if i don't initiate any contact? Just say something like "you should dump him and be with me", then after she laughs you off or rambles on about her R with him, just back off after that. Then the ball will be in her court because she knows you won't go there as long as she has a boyfriend. And when I say backoff, what I mean is, don't initiate contact with her anymore. If she talks to you while she still has a boyfriend, just ask her "Do you still have a boyfriend?" and then disappear again. She will get the hint. This is why it's a problem, imo, to become "friends" with a taken person. Once you do, they will think you'll always be their friend and tolerate them being in a R, and they get to keep you on the hook while they stay in their R. As soon as I find out someone is taken, I turn around and go the other way.
Author kimbele Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 But i've datet her before. I haven't talked to her in years, but now all of a sudden she initiate contact and we have gone out sometimes. Last time she invited me over (mid-day) she had even lit some candles The signs seems obvious. But i dont want to put myself out there if i misinterpret the signals. I feel she holds back and at the same time reach out. I should just back of for a while i think
Popsicle Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 But i've datet her before. I haven't talked to her in years, but now all of a sudden she initiate contact and we have gone out sometimes. Last time she invited me over (mid-day) she had even lit some candles The signs seems obvious. But i dont want to put myself out there if i misinterpret the signals. I feel she holds back and at the same time reach out. I should just back of for a while i think I understand that you want her to like you, and I think she does, but what I am focusing on is the fact that she has a boyfriend and how you should handle that fact. You should never assume that she wants to replace him with you just because she's acting interested in you. She could just be wanting to suck attention from you but will go home to him and have sex with him.
El Pallasso Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Stop asking what she wants and ask yourself what YOU want.
Guitarisgood Posted May 11, 2015 Posted May 11, 2015 Nah, as far as i can figure he is going to stay in that country. Just got a job there. She didn't like it over there so she is not going back. I think its just a matter of time before the rs is over. Mate, put yourself in the guys shoes. Dudes stick together. If a girl is taken, she is off the cards; at least until the break up is all done and dusted and each has moved on. Don't be the guy that just takes advantage of someone elses demise in such cases; do you even have any morals?
Recommended Posts