Gary S Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Openness and honesty are two different things, that's why we have different words for them. But the fact remains, you can't say the guy does not have integrity, he did not hide the pills, they were right in the medicine cabinet where she could see them and she actually found them. Where's the lie? Now, granted, we would all like to see the other person's cards as quickly as possible so that we can decide if we want to stay with a person or not, I understand that. But from his perspective, no, lol! Again... welcome to the cat-and-mouse game. If you don't like it, marry the beauty-challenged boy or girl down the street who wears their heart on their sleeve. Would you like to do better at dating? Find out all about them before they find out about you. Reality is what it is, despite our wants and wishes.
ascendotum Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 They are both in the family of depression with 7 other types of depression. And in each type of depression there are sub types of depression ex: bi-polar type 1 and type 2. I don't think its all the same damn thing. A big % of the population will suffer from depression at some point in their life and in most cases it can be explained like say losing a job and having difficulty getting a new one or having a hard time losing weight and having low spirits & confidence, but its stretching it to say they have a mental illness. Doctors will script out ADs so easy these days. You could have low B12 or Mg or a mold issue or a low level of a hormone or a chronic skin condition which gets you down or say CFS and because of the doctor cant find the cause after a few blood tests they will doll out some ADs just to keep the patient happy they are getting a med and also to hopefully make them dwell less on their condition. They don't have a mental illness. Some of the long term single people on here could be judged as having dysthymia as a result. I'm sure they don't consider they have a mental illness. A mental condition or symptoms though sure ,and if they did get some AD from a doctor I suspect many would not subsequently inform their new gf/bf because they know it not be of relevance to her well being and they hopefully wont be on longterm. More important is their behavior. Ive had a gf who had a diagnosed mental condition and was on medication and she so stable, highly functioning with barely any mood swings that she was more of a pleasure to live with than some exes with no medical disorder. OP needs to know what her bf is dealing with to better support him and understand him. This is something that needed to be disclosed right at the beginning along with ANY other illness . How would you feel if your gf-bf told you after almost 3 years they have MS? or diabetes? They've had it all along and chose to not disclose it ! it's the same damn thing.Well possibly, but it may be a case of not doing anything different, just keep being her normal sweet self like she has up until now. She said 'I'll tell him that everything is going to be ok' so from her point of view he's no threat to her safety or is jeopardizing their relationship. The issue for her more is that he did not want to let her know. Say this guy's problem is that he has low levels of acetylcholine. Is that any more of an issue in terms of not telling your gf/bf early on that you have low estrodiol or low level of neutrophils or low bilirubin or elevated psa or low LDL or high homocysteine, etc. It depends on the consequences to the relationship, is there adverse symptom manifestations, is their health going to deteriorate in the near future, is it temporary or easily manageable, do they think they'll likely spend the rest of their life with this person.
Methodical Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 A lot of assumptions have been made that your bf suffers from depression all because of a medication he is taking and you believe he has intentionally withheld that information from you. It is true that prozac is commonly prescribed for that reason, but it is also used "off-label" for a number of conditions including migraine headaches, ibs, adhd, etc. If he were trying to hide this from you, he would have hid the medication. He may very well be taking it for depression, but there are many other reasons so I wouldn't approach from a standpoint of you having discovered he suffers from depression. 1
Art_Critic Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 The misconception the OP's boyfriend is fostering, is that he's not mentally ill, by refusing to disclose to the OP that he is on Prozac. Mentally healthy people do not take antidepressants. So, his refusal to share that he is indeed on an antidepressant is a lie by omission. He lied by omission. That's a fact. How can you justify hiding an antidepressant prescription? Would you do that with your significant other? Why do you think it's ok to lie about something like this? there is no misconception unless they had a conversation and he didn't disclose.. why is that so hard to grasp ? he isn't hiding anything... and he isn't lying by omission as he hasn't omitted anything since there was NO conversation for him to omit it from..
Necris Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Wow, all of this discussion because of a man taking Prozac? Really OP. Imagine if you found anti-psychotics (used to treat schizophrenia) instead. I went to a psychiatrist recently and he wanted me to take Prozac but I declined but taking Prozac doesn't make anyone a bad person nor do you really need to know they are taking it. Honestly you shouldn't worry about what drugs he's taking, unless of course you found out he was abusing drugs then you might want to be a bit concerned.
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 there is no misconception unless they had a conversation and he didn't disclose.. why is that so hard to grasp ? he isn't hiding anything... and he isn't lying by omission as he hasn't omitted anything since there was NO conversation for him to omit it from.. sometimes when he talks about his low libido, he would ask me if I'd break up with him because of that He knows his low libido is caused by his meds. He is having conversations about his low libido with her but he doesn't disclose the causes. That is feeding a misconception to me and intentionally keeping her in the dark. 1
Art_Critic Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Seriously ?... What an awfully high bar to set for a budding relationship... ultimate disclosure even medical info that they don't need to know and is protected by HIPAA, even in marriages. A person shouldn't have to disclose every detail of their life.. I'm sure every single person on the this thread hasn't told their SO every detail of their medical history.... There is some dental work I had recently I didn't tell my wife about.. did I lie by omission.. no...It just wasn't news worthy and honestly it was embarrassing that I got a cavity at my age... Edited May 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Seriously ?... What an awfully high bar to set for a budding relationship... Budding relationship? Her post number 6 we're living together, in a committed relationship
Art_Critic Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Budding relationship? Her post number 6 we're living together, in a committed relationship I didn't say committed or not, I said budding.. and yes it is budding, hence the reason for this thread. I've stated my opinion and I stick by it... and I'm a person that is a stickler for honesty.. I just don't feel he is being dishonest like you feel he is.. Just a high bar to set.. that is all... Take Care....
Necris Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 sometimes when he talks about his low libido, he would ask me if I'd break up with him because of that He knows his low libido is caused by his meds. He is having conversations about his low libido with her but he doesn't disclose the causes. That is feeding a misconception to me and intentionally keeping her in the dark. But does she really need to know about his Prozac? Really? I mean let's be honest here if you were him would you really feel a pressing need to tell her your medical history? 1
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 But does she really need to know about his Prozac? Really? I mean let's be honest here if you were him would you really feel a pressing need to tell her your medical history? If you suffered from diabetes when would you tell the person you date? You have to disclose it early because diabetes needs to be monitored and needs daily meds. If you don't take your meds when you are a diabetic you can have serious consequences and the person with you needs to be able to recognize those consequences to offer proper support. SAME with depression. The person in your life needs to know about your condition and what medicine you are taking because god forbid you end up at the hospital and unconscious she needs to tell the medical staff the drugs this person is taking. Just as being diabetic, when you suffer from depression and you stop taking your medicine you risk severe consequences. Your partner needs recognize when you are in distress and in need of medical attention. Wouldn't you want to know that the person living with you is battling depression and has made 2-3 suicide attempt in the past? Wouldn't you want to know that your relationship problems were caused by medicine's side effect and it's not your boyfriend turning indifferent on you? wouldn't you want to know that he can't get a hard on because of prozac and not because he does not find you attractive anymore?
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I mean let's be honest here if you were him would you really feel a pressing need to tell her your medical history? I disclose my medical history on my 2nd date. It has never killed me and no one stopped dating me for it. Each time I am told my honesty is impressive. If I am THAT transparent this early then I can be trusted with everything else.
gaius Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Aba, if you actually do have a problem with him taking prozac and want an explanation then by all means ask. But I don't really think you're gonna get an answer that's a whole lot different from the informed posts in this thread. That he gets depressed or down occasionally so he was put on prozac. The first girl I was involved with was raped for her first sexual experience. All the evidence was there but she never actually told me outright about it. But I never really felt the need to try and drag it out of her. Or spent much time wondering when she was gonna mention it. Especially since it was something that didn't affect me and she was uncomfortable sharing. And I think she appreciated that in a partner.
Necris Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 If you suffered from diabetes when would you tell the person you date? You have to disclose it early because diabetes needs to be monitored and needs daily meds. If you don't take your meds when you are a diabetic you can have serious consequences and the person with you needs to be able to recognize those consequences to offer proper support. SAME with depression. The person in your life needs to know about your condition and what medicine you are taking because god forbid you end up at the hospital and unconscious she needs to tell the medical staff the drugs this person is taking. Just as being diabetic, when you suffer from depression and you stop taking your medicine you risk severe consequences. Your partner needs recognize when you are in distress and in need of medical attention. Wouldn't you want to know that the person living with you is battling depression and has made 2-3 suicide attempt in the past? Wouldn't you want to know that your relationship problems were caused by medicine's side effect and it's not your boyfriend turning indifferent on you? wouldn't you want to know that he can't get a hard on because of prozac and not because he does not find you attractive anymore? I am a guy who does have depression and anxiety issues. I've also had times where I thought about suicide, I'm religious so would never though. I had a psychiatrist recommend Prozac to me but I felt it was in my best interest not to take it, especially since he wasn't sure. I also had another psychiatrist tell me I maybe going through the prodromal phase of schizophrenia (budding stage before it becomes real). But I'm not going to tell anyone about that, unless I was directly asked. Though I said it now, because no one knows who I am. It's not really keeping a secret, its just keeping private info private. Now diabetes I guess would come up pretty early since unlike depression you can have severe problems pretty quickly like if you go out to dinner and your date wants cake but you can't eat it because you have to watch your blood sugar. Since issues can come about fairly quickly privacy concerns maybe lessened.
Necris Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I disclose my medical history on my 2nd date. It has never killed me and no one stopped dating me for it. Each time I am told my honesty is impressive. If I am THAT transparent this early then I can be trusted with everything else. 2nd date? What would prompt you to mention your medical history? Like you're having fun and then all of a sudden you just stop and say "[name], please be understanding but I want you to know I suffer from anxiety issues so I have to take Prozac, and oh yeah how was the movie?" Also it depends on the stigma and severity of the issues as well. It's harder for people to be understanding about mental health issues than physical issue for example. There is also the question of "immediacy" for instance asthma might be mentioned pretty quickly since if you go into an asthma attack you need your inhaler now, but something like depression it may take some time before effects become terrible without medicine so mentioning it won't even cross your mind. And it could be harder for a guy to disclose such things as it maybe taken as a sign of weakness.
endlessabyss Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 You can laugh all you want dude, whatever floats your boat. Fact is ....Bipolar is manic/depression ...and Prozac is often prescribed for bipolar people who suffer from severe and debilitating episodes of depression. I have a nursing degree and have studied mental illness so it would behoove you not to argue with me... Oh wow, you're a nurse. You may have been the one to bring me my soda, before the doctor came in to do his evaluation on me. Anyways, I've been through mental illness in real time, I just didn't read about it in a book. I have met tones of others who have been through mental illness though group therapies when I was at my worse, and it's funny, because most of the people that were suffering from bi-polar were on some form of anti-psychotic, not anti-depressant. Anti-depressants can trigger manic episodes in one suffering from bi-polar, and I have heard this countless times from people who I have did therapy with. Here, this says that anti-depressants are sometimes used for people with bi-polar, but the majority of people with bi-polar are on some form of anti-psychotic: Bipolar Disorder Medications: Mood Stabilizers, Antidepressants, and More The overwhelming group of people I have had discussions with about being bi-polar said anti-depressants had very minimal impact on contributions to improvement, or just agitated their illness even further. I'll say this again, bi-polar and depression are essentially two different beasts. People with bi-polar have manic episodes, may have to deal with audio and visual hallucinations, and their bouts of depression can be more intensified.
endlessabyss Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 First of all, depression IS commonly associated with suicide and murder. Those aren't weird ideas at all. Second, one does not need to suffer from depression to understand it or the side effects it has on the person who suffers from it, or how it effects the people in the depressed person's life. I think it's ironic that you mock people for contributing their insights about depression, and then offer your own as though you're the expert on depression and everyone else is wrong. The OP has decided she will speak to her live-in boyfriend when she's ready. So really, the matter is resolved now isn't it. 2-15% of people who suffer from MAJOR depression will commit suicide. Facts About Mental Illness and Suicide - Mental Health Reporting - UW School of Social Work That percentage is probably lower, at least from what the professionals told me when I went through outpatient treatment. Me, and the other patients, were educated on the stigmas and falsehoods of societies general impression of people with depression. Most going through bouts/phases of depression will not commit suicide or murder anyone; the individuals that suffered from extreme cases are the ones who participated in extreme behavior, but you have to remember other variables may have been at play. The reason I mock people is because their ignorant on this topic, and don't know anything about mental illness. The ignorance some of the posters here have demonstrated here is amazing. 1
lemoncello Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 2-15% of people who suffer from MAJOR depression will commit suicide. Facts About Mental Illness and Suicide - Mental Health Reporting - UW School of Social Work That percentage is probably lower, at least from what the professionals told me when I went through outpatient treatment. Me, and the other patients, were educated on the stigmas and falsehoods of societies general impression of people with depression. Most going through bouts/phases of depression will not commit suicide or murder anyone; the individuals that suffered from extreme cases are the ones who participated in extreme behavior, but you have to remember other variables may have been at play. The reason I mock people is because their ignorant on this topic, and don't know anything about mental illness. The ignorance some of the posters here have demonstrated here is amazing. Just because you are treated for depression doesn't make you an expert on depression. It makes you an expert on *your* depression. Mocking people who disagree with you won't help them see your POV. If you want people to see your POV, see theirs. And leave the ridicule out of it. I know someone who committed suicide while on an AD for bipolar depression. I know several relatives who are on ADs for depression. There is absolutely no way to predict who is or isn't going to commit suicide. Personally I would never take an AD. But if I did, I would tell the person I was in a relationship with because that is the right thing to do for me personally. And anyway, the OP already concluded that she's going to talk to her boyfriend about her discovery when she's ready. Hopefully she'll update us on how that discussion went.
katiegrl Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Oh wow, you're a nurse. You may have been the one to bring me my soda, before the doctor came in to do his evaluation on me. Anyways, I've been through mental illness in real time, I just didn't read about it in a book. I have met tones of others who have been through mental illness though group therapies when I was at my worse, and it's funny, because most of the people that were suffering from bi-polar were on some form of anti-psychotic, not anti-depressant. Anti-depressants can trigger manic episodes in one suffering from bi-polar, and I have heard this countless times from people who I have did therapy with. Here, this says that anti-depressants are sometimes used for people with bi-polar, but the majority of people with bi-polar are on some form of anti-psychotic: Bipolar Disorder Medications: Mood Stabilizers, Antidepressants, and More The overwhelming group of people I have had discussions with about being bi-polar said anti-depressants had very minimal impact on contributions to improvement, or just agitated their illness even further. I'll say this again, bi-polar and depression are essentially two different beasts. People with bi-polar have manic episodes, may have to deal with audio and visual hallucinations, and their bouts of depression can be more intensified. Not that it matters, but I didn't say I was a nurse dude, read that post again. I said I have a nursing degree. I am also a certified paralegal, and I work as legal nurse consultant. In any event, I have neither the desire nor energy today to argue with you about whatever bogus research you located on the internet...one can find almost anything they want on the internet to support their argument... doesn't mean it's true... That said, I am sorry to hear you have struggled with mental illness and hope you feel better.... Edited May 10, 2015 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Just because you are treated for depression doesn't make you an expert on depression. It makes you an expert on *your* depression. Mocking people who disagree with you won't help them see your POV. If you want people to see your POV, see theirs. And leave the ridicule out of it. I know someone who committed suicide while on an AD for bipolar depression. I know several relatives who are on ADs for depression. There is absolutely no way to predict who is or isn't going to commit suicide. Personally I would never take an AD. But if I did, I would tell the person I was in a relationship with because that is the right thing to do for me personally. And anyway, the OP already concluded that she's going to talk to her boyfriend about her discovery when she's ready. Hopefully she'll update us on how that discussion went. Exactly! There is not a "one size fits all" with respect to mental illness. Bottom line is many many people who suffer from bipolar have benefitted from APs (in conjunction with other meds), which is why they are so often prescribed. But everyone's illness is different, which is why it is so important for a doctor or nurse to gather as much info on the patient and his/her symptoms as possible ... before prescribing any medication...and not rely on research, especially from the internet!!!
Gary S Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 To the naysayers, if you discovered your girlfriend of 1.5 years and with whom you are living, suffered from bipolar disorder (for example) which symptoms are severe and often dangerous mood swings, but who was taking meds to control it, would this not concern you? If you found this out via third party or finding her meds, you seriously would just disregard it telling yourself it's none of your business? Really???? (Shaking head in utter amazement) - If the person found out after 1.5 years, I'd say it's their fault - they should have gone by their gut, they should have noticed the signs. Sometimes victims are really just volunteers.
katiegrl Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Exactly! There is not a "one size fits all" with respect to mental illness. Bottom line is many many people who suffer from bipolar have benefitted from APs (in conjunction with other meds), which is why they are so often prescribed. But everyone's illness is different, which is why it is so important for a doctor or nurse to gather as much info on the patient and his/her symptoms as possible ... before prescribing any medication...and not rely on research, especially from the internet!!! ADs...typo
Redhead14 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I understand that this is an embarrassing/difficult issue for many people. I am empathetic to it. And I know that some people would freak out over knowing this about their partner, not understand it, or give the "drink some kale and get over it" response. I get it. But I also strongly disagree with the opinion that this is none of my business. And while I appreciate all advice and opinions, I was quite surprised by that--for a while I almost thought I was crazy and needed a reality check. The thing is, we are not just dating--we're in a committed relationship and we are living together. Even though we have not talked seriously about marriage, it has been casually brought up. And just out of curiosity, for those who think it's none of my business, would that answer change if we were married? I don't have depression and will never truly understand what it's like. I get that. But if it were me, I would feel it necessary to tell my boyfriend the day we go from "dating" to being in a committed relationship. Maybe it's ok to push it to the time we move in together. And yes, some people would freak out. Some people would leave the relationship. But wouldn't he want to know that before we both invest our time and emotion into building our future? I guess in some ways, him not telling me makes it feel like we were still in the "dating" stage, and I feel bad about that. Technically, until the point of marriage you are just in another stage of dating. Dating in stages is what this is about. At each stage, you are evaluating each other on deeper levels as you go through the process, knowing that at any point something may arise that will cause you to re-think whether or not you are compatible. New things come to light and you have to evaluate whether you two able to resolve things effectively as a couple. Up to now, you two were likely pretty much living separate lives with your own sets of issues or problems, what have you. You are just now blending those lives and so there is more transparency. It is your business NOW but not necessarily before this. Not only that, you've only begun mentioning marriage. This is the time when the term "commitment" comes in. You have committed to each other on another level now and that commitment is being tested. If this becomes an issue that the commitment can't survive, it's best to figure it out now. How you two deal with this will be a precursor and heads up as to how you two will deal with and manage whatever new experiences you are exposed to when you are married. You haven't seen it all yet and there's no way to know what will come around to you, but if you are able to effectively deal with it now, you'll be able to later. If the depression is not so significant as to be an ongoing issue and has not affected the relationship, there wasn't a reason to go there. It simply never presented itself as a topic for discussion. Especially if he's been dealing with it for a while. It's not on his mind all the time. He takes his meds and moves through his day. We aren't talking about having been to jail or struggling with financial crisis or a communicable disease or anything that would be an obvious problem in a relationship. Things were OK and he had no reason to think it would be a problem. If he has been upfront and honest throughout the relationship and she trusts him, there is no reason to assume he was trying to be dishonest or less than forthright because of this one thing. It's simply just time to discuss it. I will say, though, that depression is sometimes a part of another mental health issue which may or may not be serious. However, if it has not affected the relationship yet, it's not likely very serious or he managing it very well and deserves some space here. If it is a serious "disorder" accompanied by depression, he should have been more upfront about it and needs to at least acknowledge that point.
Redhead14 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 But sometimes he would talk at great length about the depression of his friends -- He likely was testing and checking out your response to that and weighing whether or not you are judgmental or critical. If you weren't judgemental, critical or had a negative view, he may not have felt it necessary to disclose YET. Not only that, if he were hiding it purposely, he would not have allowed those medications to be found under any circumstances. He would be fully cognizant of leaving any evidence about it. He was not purposely hiding this. If you find that to be true, that is an entirely different set of problems.
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