ascendotum Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Oh for cripes sake, disclosing how many sexual partners is quite a bit different from disclosing a mental illness! Were you being serious with that??? Really? Not in the context of the topic of this thread, its a whole different matter, but there have been a number of different topics on here where people claim omissions of information is a lie, just like this thread has now gone down that path calling her bf a lier. I don't consider not telling a person about something that is personal to you or you consider is not necessary for the other person to know or you consider it will not make any difference to the relationship or will not make any difference to how you treat your partner or you consider its none of their business = a lie. Its not a lie. Its not a false fact. As an example the 'past partners' is in the same realm but as I suggested many would resent omission in that regard being called lying.
Author ababila Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 Thank you everyone for all the helpful responses. It really helps me put things in perspective. To my honest, my biggest disappointment really is the fact that he hadn't already told me. The things is, some of our friends suffer from depression, are on ADs, and we have talked about this issue a few times. He definitely knows a lot more about ADs/depression than I do, and he would tell me about chemical imbalances in the brain and this and that. So maybe he was trying to educate me on all this before telling me about his own issues, for fear that I would freak out over this? In any case, before this, I felt like there weren't any major secrets between us. He never exhibited any secretive behavior, so I guess I'm surprised--and whether rightly or not--a bit disappointed.
ascendotum Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 They are living together!! What you are suggesting is to lead someone to love you then drop the bomb on them after they are emotionally invested !!! And how do you disclose that to a new wife? Oh Honey by the way I suffer from maniac depression and I made 3 suicide attempts in the past but don't worry cause I think I'm on the right meds now!!! I'm 50:50. My original post was to point out WHY he likely kept quite, because of the prejudice. I never said it was the right thing to do, just that I get why quite a few guys would be inclined to do it. Where I think there is some leeway is where a person's depression is mild or not a lifelong disorder and they are treating it and the medication is doing a great job and as far as anyone else is concerned there is nothing wrong with them. I think a person could leave it out that they are taking an AD or are on a thyroid supp or taking testosterone or a sleep inducer or a beta blocker or muscle relaxant or a bronchodilator,etc while dating early on. Some mental conditions can have severe impact on a relationship but some not and it seems he is in the later, since she had no clue. As the relationship seems like it is going strong and will be more than an STR then I think people should come clean on their medical issues (the ones not so obvious). Its clear though people will have differing opinions on this, especially those who don't want to ever get involved with someone who sufferers a mental issue. 1
Hawaii51 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 You should keep quiet about the find and let him tell you when he's ready. Isn't your business. You both are way off!! knowing the mental capacity and well-being of your partner is of the utmost importance- in my opinion. Mental diseases can be hereditary, and include violent episodes if he stops taking the meds...and depending on the age of this guy his illness could be cresting very soon. She has the right to know what drugs the person she's planning her life with, for many reasons. If he talks about other people's depression, has told you about all his other medical conditions, then why omit this fact?- Which omission is a form of lying by letting the truth slide by in another form. 2
Author ababila Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 I understand that this is an embarrassing/difficult issue for many people. I am empathetic to it. And I know that some people would freak out over knowing this about their partner, not understand it, or give the "drink some kale and get over it" response. I get it. But I also strongly disagree with the opinion that this is none of my business. And while I appreciate all advice and opinions, I was quite surprised by that--for a while I almost thought I was crazy and needed a reality check. The thing is, we are not just dating--we're in a committed relationship and we are living together. Even though we have not talked seriously about marriage, it has been casually brought up. And just out of curiosity, for those who think it's none of my business, would that answer change if we were married? I don't have depression and will never truly understand what it's like. I get that. But if it were me, I would feel it necessary to tell my boyfriend the day we go from "dating" to being in a committed relationship. Maybe it's ok to push it to the time we move in together. And yes, some people would freak out. Some people would leave the relationship. But wouldn't he want to know that before we both invest our time and emotion into building our future? I guess in some ways, him not telling me makes it feel like we were still in the "dating" stage, and I feel bad about that. 1
Phoenician Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I am not sure why u r hurt ,this not really a lie. It is a personnel issue . Had he mistreated u in those 14 months? I am saying this because sometimes it is better to keep it simpke, my wife Of 20years keeps asking me if i took my T shot ,i m LD NEVER had any sexual issue taking T Supplement for my bones , She asks to offer a duty sex ,which makes me feel v awkward.
Vercetti Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 If was hiding something like adderall, xanax, pain killers, heavy barbiturates would be worried. Much as I hate HATE prescription drugs Prozac raises no red flags for me and I can't even think how it could be abused. If his behaviour is erratic one thing, if not...then not. It's personal and needing a pill to live normal like others that don't take them...can feel like weakness. Just keep getting to know him, fact did not know he took anything seems like he is maintaing himself very well.
katiegrl Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) **I am not sure why u r hurt ,this not really a lie.** It is a personnel issue . Had he mistreated u in those 14 months? I am saying this because sometimes it is better to keep it simpke, my wife Of 20years keeps asking me if i took my T shot ,i m LD NEVER had any sexual issue taking T Supplement for my bones , She asks to offer a duty sex ,which makes me feel v awkward. Because him not telling her would indicate he does not feel emotionally safe and comfortable enough with her to disclose something so personal and serious. It would also indicate he does not TRUST her enough to believe that she would not judge him and would not be understanding to his situation and what he is experiencing. All of which would be very hurtful to most people currently in a long term committed relationship. Feeling emotionally safe with, and trusting your partner emotionally is fundamentally one of the most important aspects of a healthy, honest, loving and caring relationship. If you don't have that, what do you have really? And for the record it IS a lie, a lie of omission as has been discussed previously. Edited May 9, 2015 by katiegrl 1
lemoncello Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I understand that this is an embarrassing/difficult issue for many people. I am empathetic to it. And I know that some people would freak out over knowing this about their partner, not understand it, or give the "drink some kale and get over it" response. I get it. But I also strongly disagree with the opinion that this is none of my business. And while I appreciate all advice and opinions, I was quite surprised by that--for a while I almost thought I was crazy and needed a reality check. The thing is, we are not just dating--we're in a committed relationship and we are living together. Even though we have not talked seriously about marriage, it has been casually brought up. And just out of curiosity, for those who think it's none of my business, would that answer change if we were married? I don't have depression and will never truly understand what it's like. I get that. But if it were me, I would feel it necessary to tell my boyfriend the day we go from "dating" to being in a committed relationship. Maybe it's ok to push it to the time we move in together. And yes, some people would freak out. Some people would leave the relationship. But wouldn't he want to know that before we both invest our time and emotion into building our future? I guess in some ways, him not telling me makes it feel like we were still in the "dating" stage, and I feel bad about that. Have you decided how to bring up your discovery of his Prozac yet? Since you've discovered it, I think it's best for you to mention your discovery to your boyfriend especially since you both have friends on AD's and since he's discussed mental illness with you already. Don't play the waiting game either with your boyfriend. One of you has to bring this up. It makes sense for you to bring it up since you found his Prozac. Ask him why he felt the need to hide it from you, considering that you have both openly discussed your friends' AD and issues with each other. You should then be able to discuss your own mental health issues with each other. When you live with someone, EVERY topic of your lives needs to be visible and open for discussion. No secrets. If you have secrets, you don't have a healthy relationship. I understand if you are afraid that bringing it up will create a negative reaction from your boyfriend. But look at the big picture here: How can he openly discuss depression and your mutual friends' depression and AD's with you, but not discuss his own mental health issues and his own AD with you -- the woman he lives with? If you don't bring it up now, I don't think your boyfriend ever will. And then you will grow to resent him for that, because you accidentally discovered his Prozac but did not pursue a discussion with him directly about it. Sometimes, the best way to get past an obstacle is to directly deal with it. Don't avoid this. Don't pretend it's not an issue when it clearly is. Don't go to others for advice in your circle of friends because you don't want them involved in something so personal. The only person you need to address this with, is your boyfriend since it's his Prozac, and his mental health in question here.
PogoStick Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 You may want to know but that doesn't give you the right to know. Doctors and courts certainly agree with that statement. You have the right to know if someone has an STD before you decide to have sex. You don't have the right to know if someone has heart disease, liver disease, cancer, or BRAIN disease; until the person affected wants you to know. Further, if you can't pick up that your lover of 15 months is depressed then either: You're not very close, or You're not very observant. In either case you're disqualified from having "the right to know". *waiting for the first person to say "some people are good at hiding it". 1
gaius Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 You both are way off!! knowing the mental capacity and well-being of your partner is of the utmost importance- in my opinion. Mental diseases can be hereditary, and include violent episodes if he stops taking the meds...and depending on the age of this guy his illness could be cresting very soon. She has the right to know what drugs the person she's planning her life with, for many reasons. If he talks about other people's depression, has told you about all his other medical conditions, then why omit this fact?- Which omission is a form of lying by letting the truth slide by in another form. Prozac generally isn't used to treat anything except depression, and depression isn't even considered a mental illness in a lot of cases. Unless it's severe and unrelenting. And it's no indication whatsoever if a person is likely to get violent or not. Making up terms like mental capacity to make your argument sound smart doesn't cut it.
lemoncello Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 You may want to know but that doesn't give you the right to know. Doctors and courts certainly agree with that statement. You have the right to know if someone has an STD before you decide to have sex. You don't have the right to know if someone has heart disease, liver disease, cancer, or BRAIN disease; until the person affected wants you to know. Further, if you can't pick up that your lover of 15 months is depressed then either: You're not very close, or You're not very observant. In either case you're disqualified from having "the right to know". *waiting for the first person to say "some people are good at hiding it". You're kidding, right?! Of course she has a right to know if he is mentally ill! Well, he is since he is taking Prozac. I mean, you don't take Prozac if you're mentally healthy. You only take an antidepressant when you have a mental illness of some kind. I'm blown away by the "none of your business" advice here. Wow. I think that your disease examples are pretty strange in favor of the whole "none of your business" mindset. So if he has a brain tumor and his behavior starts to change, THEN he should tell the OP but not before? If he has heart disease in his family and was told by his cardiologist that he will have to have an operation on his heart to clear a valve, he shouldn't tell the OP until the day before the operation? When you are in a relationship with someone -- even if you don't live together, even if you're not married -- you have a right to know if they are indeed mentally ill right upfront. The best time to bring up your issues is in the very beginning of a relationship, not when you feel like it. No secrets. Period.
Author ababila Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 You may want to know but that doesn't give you the right to know. Doctors and courts certainly agree with that statement. You have the right to know if someone has an STD before you decide to have sex. You don't have the right to know if someone has heart disease, liver disease, cancer, or BRAIN disease; until the person affected wants you to know. I agree that I have no legal right to know, but we aren't all talking legality here now, aren't we? I mean, by that logic, people in unmarried but committed cohabiting monogamous relationships can cheat all they want, and it'd be ok, because it's "legal." I'm sorry, I appreciate the opinion, but I do find that argument absurd. Further, if you can't pick up that your lover of 15 months is depressed then either: You're not very close, or You're not very observant. In either case you're disqualified from having "the right to know". *waiting for the first person to say "some people are good at hiding it". I'm not going to say that he's good at hiding it, because I really want to say, huh? If people who are depressed, take Prozac, and remain visibly depressed, why in the world would anyone take Prozac and suffer through its side effects? Maybe the Prozac is helping and that's why he seems normal?? Hm. Also, it is possible that the Prozac is not for depression but for anxiety or OCD. He does have a very stressful job so this is entirely possible. And of that, I am observant.
Hawaii51 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Making up terms like mental capacity to make your argument sound smart doesn't cut it. If someone is clinically depressed, they have a diminished "Meeennnntal Caaaapacccity." What's your reason? noun Medical Definition of MENTAL CAPACITY 1 : sufficient understanding and memory to comprehend in a general way the situation in which one finds oneself and the nature, purpose, and consequence of any act or transaction into which one proposes to enter 2 : the degree of understanding and memory the law requires to uphold the validity of or to charge one with responsibility for a particular act or transaction <mental capacity to commit crime requires that the accused know right from wrong> 1
Hawaii51 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I wouldn't date some who is on anti-depressants. Why? cause I'm rather hippy and therefore generally happy and don't believe in further offsetting a chemical imbalance with more chemicals. 1
lemoncello Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Prozac generally isn't used to treat anything except depression, and depression isn't even considered a mental illness in a lot of cases. Unless it's severe and unrelenting. And it's no indication whatsoever if a person is likely to get violent or not. Making up terms like mental capacity to make your argument sound smart doesn't cut it. Psychiatrists can prescribe Prozac for a multitude of reasons besides low grade depression. Unless you are the OP's boyfriend, you really can't surmise why he's taking it. Only the OP's boyfriend knows what his mental illness is and where it falls on the scale of mind to severe. He could be bipolar. He could have PTSD. We don't know. The OP doesn't know. The fact of the matter is, Prozac is not the Tylenol of antidepressants. It can cause erectile dysfunction in men along with actually causing eating disorders along with severe fatigue and muscle weakness to name a few of the nasty side effects from Prozac. Trying to downplay the drug itself, doesn't take away from the fact that the OP's boyfriend hid this major secret from her. That needs to be addressed if the OP wants this relationship to progress to marriage with her boyfriend since they have casually discussed marriage. I wouldn't marry a man who kept any secret from me, no matter what that secret was.
gaius Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Psychiatrists can prescribe Prozac for a multitude of reasons besides low grade depression. Unless you are the OP's boyfriend, you really can't surmise why he's taking it. Only the OP's boyfriend knows what his mental illness is and where it falls on the scale of mind to severe. He could be bipolar. He could have PTSD. We don't know. The OP doesn't know. The fact of the matter is, Prozac is not the Tylenol of antidepressants. It can cause erectile dysfunction in men along with actually causing eating disorders along with severe fatigue and muscle weakness to name a few of the nasty side effects from Prozac. Trying to downplay the drug itself, doesn't take away from the fact that the OP's boyfriend hid this major secret from her. That needs to be addressed if the OP wants this relationship to progress to marriage with her boyfriend since they have casually discussed marriage. I wouldn't marry a man who kept any secret from me, no matter what that secret was. Again, in general Prozac is perscribed to treat depression. And in a lot of cases depression itself is not considered a mental illness. If he had a serious mental illness it's very unlikely prozac would be the only thing he's taking. You guys (and gals) are judging this guy based on something you don't seem to know that much about. =/ If aba is comfortable with the fact he takes Prozac, like she says she is, then the best course of action would probably be to not even bring it up. She's known him long enough that she should have a good feel for him as a man and what he's capable of. There's nothing in a conversation about Prozac that can shine any more light on that.
katiegrl Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) To the naysayers, if you discovered your girlfriend of 1.5 years and with whom you are living, suffered from bipolar disorder (for example) which symptoms are severe and often dangerous mood swings, but who was taking meds to control it, would this not concern you? If you found this out via third party or finding her meds, you seriously would just disregard it telling yourself it's none of your business? Really???? (Shaking head in utter amazement) Edited May 9, 2015 by katiegrl
endlessabyss Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 This thread lol. He's taking Prozac, and low an behold, people start bringing up murder, suicide, and whatever weird ideas they associate depression with. Most people here probably don't even understand mental illness, haven't went though a mental illness, but are professionals psychologists on the topic. Most likely the guy doesn't need to be on it. Anti depressants are the biggest cash cow on the market, and are prescribed even if you mention a little sadness to a psychiatrist. I think when I was in college, it was brought up that almost half the U.S. population was on some form of anti depressant. Again, it's none of OP's business. They are co-habiting, they're not married. Maybe OP should of waited a little longer to get to know the guy, instead of jumping right into moving in... 1
endlessabyss Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 To the naysayers, if you discovered your girlfriend of 1.5 years and with whom you are living, suffered from bipolar disorder (for example) which symptoms are severe and often dangerous mood swings, but who was taking meds to control it, would this not concern you? If you found this out via third party or finding her meds, you seriously would just disregard it telling yourself it's none of your business? Really???? (Shaking head in utter amazement) Laughing so hard at this at this false analogy. Depression and Bi-Polar are two different beasts. Most experience some form of depression in their life. Most don't experience Bi-Polar.
Author ababila Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 Maybe OP should of waited a little longer to get to know the guy, instead of jumping right into moving in... We were together for a year before moving in. I hardly consider that "jumping right into moving in..." I do find it phenomenal how many people belong to the "none of my business" camp. I can't help but wonder if the same people were on the receiving side of this, if they then wouldn't have a very different opinion. Also, I find the argument inherently contradictory. Either the depression is a big deal or it isn't: -If it's a big deal, then I don't see why it would be "none of my business," for two cohabitating people in a committed long-term relationship. -If it's not a big deal, then I don't see why I should just "keep quiet" about it and wait years and years, every day thinking, "is he going to tell me today?" I must say, I had seriously considered not saying anything about it, because it would be so much easier for me to just shove this under the rug. But the arguments for me keeping quiet are so utterly ridiculous and nonsensical at this point that I am definitely going to talk to him about this soon, non-confrontationally and non-judgmentally, and I'll tell him that everything is going to be ok. 2
katiegrl Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) Laughing so hard at this at this false analogy. Depression and Bi-Polar are two different beasts. Most experience some form of depression in their life. Most don't experience Bi-Polar. You can laugh all you want dude, whatever floats your boat. Fact is ....Bipolar is manic/depression ...and Prozac is often prescribed for bipolar people who suffer from severe and debilitating episodes of depression. I have a nursing degree and have studied mental illness so it would behoove you not to argue with me... Edited May 9, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Gaeta Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Laughing so hard at this at this false analogy. Depression and Bi-Polar are two different beasts. Most experience some form of depression in their life. Most don't experience Bi-Polar. They are both in the family of depression with 7 other types of depression. And in each type of depression there are sub types of depression ex: bi-polar type 1 and type 2. OP needs to know what her bf is dealing with to better support him and understand him. This is something that needed to be disclosed right at the beginning along with ANY other illness . How would you feel if your gf-bf told you after almost 3 years they have MS? or diabetes? They've had it all along and chose to not disclose it ! it's the same damn thing. 1
katiegrl Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) They are both in the family of depression with 7 other types of depression. And in each type of depression there are sub types of depression ex: bi-polar type 1 and type 2. OP needs to know what her bf is dealing with to better support him and understand him. This is something that needed to be disclosed right at the beginning along with ANY other illness . **How would you feel if your gf-bf told you after almost 3 years they have MS? or diabetes? They've had it all along and chose to not disclose it ! it's the same damn thing**. Of course it's the same thing ....but he will probably say that is a false analogy as well since they're different beasts .. There's just no accounting for ignorance ...so I'm done. The OP gets it, and that's all that matters. Good luck ababila!! Edited May 9, 2015 by katiegrl 1
lemoncello Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 This thread lol. He's taking Prozac, and low an behold, people start bringing up murder, suicide, and whatever weird ideas they associate depression with. Most people here probably don't even understand mental illness, haven't went though a mental illness, but are professionals psychologists on the topic. Most likely the guy doesn't need to be on it. Anti depressants are the biggest cash cow on the market, and are prescribed even if you mention a little sadness to a psychiatrist. I think when I was in college, it was brought up that almost half the U.S. population was on some form of anti depressant. Again, it's none of OP's business. They are co-habiting, they're not married. Maybe OP should of waited a little longer to get to know the guy, instead of jumping right into moving in... First of all, depression IS commonly associated with suicide and murder. Those aren't weird ideas at all. Second, one does not need to suffer from depression to understand it or the side effects it has on the person who suffers from it, or how it effects the people in the depressed person's life. I think it's ironic that you mock people for contributing their insights about depression, and then offer your own as though you're the expert on depression and everyone else is wrong. The OP has decided she will speak to her live-in boyfriend when she's ready. So really, the matter is resolved now isn't it. 3
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