Found out my bf is on Prozac and want to talk to him about it

[Gary S]

Gaeta is SO right about this.

 

It needs to be disclosed for a number of reasons, the most important one being, if something were to happen to him, a medical emergency of ANY kind, and he was unconscious and needed to be treated with meds, the doctors need to know what meds he's taking, as certain drugs (especially anti-depressants) don't interact well with each other, the result of which could potentially kill him!

 

- Well, everybody dies. Nobody is getting out of this thing called life alive

[katiegrl]

From his perspective, he was under no obligation to tell you about his happy pills. You are not his doctor or shrink. However, from your perspective, it's good to know all. Welcome to the cat-and-mouse game.

 

If you think things are bad now, wait until he decides he does not need to take his happy pills anymore.

 

Date someone with less problems that you do and you'll have a lot smoother ride.

 

Prozac is not a *happy* pill...

 

It is a medication that controls a chemical imbalance in the brain...

 

One has to wonder about those relationships wherein one or both partners don't believe they should disclose a serious mental illness...such as depression.

 

What else do they hide from each other?

 

Seems very odd to me....but to each his own I suppose.

[katiegrl]

- Well, everybody dies. Nobody is getting out of this thing called life alive

 

^^Not your best work Gary...

[Gary S]

Prozac is not a *happy* pill...

 

It is a medication that controls a chemical imbalance in the brain...

 

One has to wonder about those relationships wherein one or both partners don't believe they should disclose a serious mental illness...such as depression.

 

What else do they hide from each other?

 

Seems very odd to me....but to each his own I suppose.

 

- Now hold on a minute... not offering information does not translate into hiding. You know I love you, but this a common fallacy that some people make... some women love to cry, "I don't want to keep secrets from each other", when it has nothing to do with "secrets"... you can't reveal your whole autobiography to someone, there would be no time to recite 30 years of life.

 

Let's uses some common sense here and not get carried away and paint this man as bad just because she learned something new about him, even as serious as it is. I don't like this societal attitude that says, "Woman good, man bad"... this does not fly with me.

[xpaperxcutx]

As someone who has been on prozac before, there's always been a stigma attached when telling people I have depression.

 

OP, do not fault your SO for nondisclosure. Understand where he is coming from in regards to why he felt he didn't need to tell you. Perhaps he felt embarrassed about this issue. He might have gotten depression in the midst of dating you (due to issues to with work or family) and he decided to get on medication because he wanted to take care of him and not have to worry you.

 

I can assure you that not telling an SO about something important such depression typically stems from a place of not wanting others to worry.

[lemoncello]

- Now hold on a minute... not offering information does not translate into hiding. You know I love you, but this a common fallacy that some people make... some women love to cry, "I don't want to keep secrets from each other", when it has nothing to do with "secrets"... you can't reveal your whole autobiography to someone, there would be no time to recite 30 years of life.

 

Let's uses some common sense here and not get carried away and paint this man as bad just because she learned something new about him, even as serious as it is. I don't like this societal attitude that says, "Woman good, man bad"... this does not fly with me.

 

Hiding your mental illness from your live-in partner is not a common fallacy. And if you live with someone, by god you better know the most important chapters of his/her biography or else you are living with a complete stranger.

 

No one turned the discussion into a gender war "woman good, man bad" either.

 

Common sense? Common sense is to confront the person when you find out their secret. To wait for the secret keeper to come around would mean that you are insecure and put yourself second to the other person's needs.

 

A balanced relationship requires 100% honesty between two people, especially where serious matters like mental illness are concerned.

 

There are countless news stories online about spouses who murdered their spouse and children and then committed suicide, who were mentally ill.

 

Here's a recent example of that: a Canadian man killed his wife, daughter and then himself. His reason for killing his daughter? She had migraines. His reason for killing his wife? Because he didn't want her to be without her daughter. Oh, and he posted this all on his Facebook page before his committed suicide.

 

That is an extreme case of a mentally ill man/husband/father in relation to the OP's boyfriend's Prozac secret. But the fact is, mental illness is not something to be taken lightly, period.

[katiegrl]

- Now hold on a minute...

 

****not offering information does not translate into hiding.****

 

You know I love you, but this a common fallacy that some people make... some women love to cry, "I don't want to keep secrets from each other", when it has nothing to do with "secrets"... you can't reveal your whole autobiography to someone, there would be no time to recite 30 years of life.

 

Let's uses some common sense here and not get carried away and paint this man as bad just because she learned something new about him, even as serious as it is. I don't like this societal attitude that says, "Woman good, man bad"... this does not fly with me.

 

Yes it does..they don't call it "lie of omission" for nothing.

 

It is not how I or my partners have conducted our relationships; personally I think hiding (um, not disclosing) something as important as ANY illness from your partner is extremely unhealthy, and not conducive to an honest, loving, CARING, functional relationship..... but as I said to each his own! :)

[BlueIris]

OP, I hope you do bring this up and talk with him about it.

 

I agree that he ought to have disclosed and discussed this with her. I would not be interested in building a relationship with someone who concealed things like this and I’d be concerned about his insecurity, his inability to accept and deal with who he is. Any implication or assumption that this is a gender issue would be an even greater deal breaker.

[Art_Critic]

Yes it does..they don't call it "lie of omission" for nothing.

 

The definition of a lie by omission is:

A lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions.

What is the misconception that he is fostering by not immediately disclosing he was on a medication ?

 

If she and he had a conversation where they talked about mental illness/AD's and he didn't disclose the fact he was using them then he committed a lie by omission..

 

He seems to have NOT committed a lie by omission.. and if you feel he did then you are also lying to each of your SO's at any one giving time as I'm sure there are things you don't tell them..

[katiegrl]

The definition of a lie by omission is:

What is the misconception that he is fostering by not immediately disclosing he was on a medication ?

 

If she and he had a conversation where they talked about mental illness/AD's and he didn't disclose the fact he was using them then he committed a lie by omission..

 

He seems to have NOT committed a lie by omission.. and if you feel he did then you are also lying to each of your SO's at any one giving time as I'm sure there are things you don't tell them..

 

The misconception is that he is emotionally and mentally balanced, when the **fact** is he needs meds (Prozac) to manage his emotions and moods...

 

And no I would never ever keep something as important and relevant as that from my partner..

 

Do I tell him every little thing that happens to me? No. But a mental illness?? I would never not disclose that...

 

But AGAIN, if you or anyone else doesn't believe mental illness is something your partner needs to know, then fine...to each his own!!!

[ascendotum]

Hiding your mental illness from your live-in partner is not a common fallacy. And if you live with someone, by god you better know the most important chapters of his/her biography or else you are living with a complete stranger.

 

No one turned the discussion into a gender war "woman good, man bad" either.

 

Common sense? Common sense is to confront the person when you find out their secret. To wait for the secret keeper to come around would mean that you are insecure and put yourself second to the other person's needs.

 

A balanced relationship requires 100% honesty between two people, especially where serious matters like mental illness are concerned.

 

There are countless news stories online about spouses who murdered their spouse and children and then committed suicide, who were mentally ill.

 

Here's a recent example of that: a Canadian man killed his wife, daughter and then himself. His reason for killing his daughter? She had migraines. His reason for killing his wife? Because he didn't want her to be without her daughter. Oh, and he posted this all on his Facebook page before his committed suicide.

 

That is an extreme case of a mentally ill man/husband/father in relation to the OP's boyfriend's Prozac secret. But the fact is, mental illness is not something to be taken lightly, period.

 

You're interpretation is too extreme. At this stage in their relationship they have been together 15 mths and she had no idea he was suffering from depression or had any mental issues. So her ignorance of his condition in fact made no difference to the relationship and I get the impression it would seem now that she knows it would have made no difference to how it would have been supposedly. His behavior was normal so there was no risk to her. Not knowing your partner is on a particular medicine does not make them a complete stranger. That OTT.

 

Your murder example is too extreme too. If her bf has not shown any signs of mental imbalance (which the prozac helps) for the last year & a half then he is not likely going to go berserk, and if you are going to push that as still a risk, then you might as well come out and tell the OP to dump her bf asap, and advice everyone to never get involved with anyone who is taking ADs because its just too much of a risk for their safety.

 

I understand why he did not tell her when they were dating since it seems the med does a good job of making him normal so he doesn't have to explain any abnormal behavior or episodes of being withdrawn, but it is something I thought he should have disclosed at the point were they decided to move in together.

[lemoncello]

The definition of a lie by omission is:

What is the misconception that he is fostering by not immediately disclosing he was on a medication ?

 

If she and he had a conversation where they talked about mental illness/AD's and he didn't disclose the fact he was using them then he committed a lie by omission..

 

He seems to have NOT committed a lie by omission.. and if you feel he did then you are also lying to each of your SO's at any one giving time as I'm sure there are things you don't tell them..

 

The misconception the OP's boyfriend is fostering, is that he's not mentally ill, by refusing to disclose to the OP that he is on Prozac. Mentally healthy people do not take antidepressants.

 

So, his refusal to share that he is indeed on an antidepressant is a lie by omission. He lied by omission. That's a fact.

 

How can you justify hiding an antidepressant prescription? Would you do that with your significant other? Why do you think it's ok to lie about something like this?

[katiegrl]

You're interpretation is too extreme. At this stage in their relationship they have been together 15 mths and she had no idea he was suffering from depression or had any mental issues. So her ignorance of his condition in fact made no difference to the relationship and I get the impression it would seem now that she knows it would have made no difference to how it would have been supposedly. His behavior was normal so there was no risk to her. Not knowing your partner is on a particular medicine does not make them a complete stranger. That OTT.

 

Your murder example is too extreme too. If her bf has not shown any signs of mental imbalance (which the prozac helps) for the last year & a half then he is not likely going to go berserk, and if you are going to push that as still a risk, then you might as well come out and tell the OP to dump her bf asap, and advice everyone to never get involved with anyone who is taking ADs because its just too much of a risk for their safety.

 

I understand why he did not tell her when they were dating since it seems the med does a good job of making him normal so he doesn't have to explain any abnormal behavior or episodes of being withdrawn, but it is something I thought he should have disclosed at the point were they decided to move in together.

 

Agree, and at this point, while him having depression is serious, it's **more** about why he did not feel safe or comfortable enough to tell her ....

 

THAT is what would concern me ...if I were the OP.

[lemoncello]

You're interpretation is too extreme. At this stage in their relationship they have been together 15 mths and she had no idea he was suffering from depression or had any mental issues. So her ignorance of his condition in fact made no difference to the relationship and I get the impression it would seem now that she knows it would have made no difference to how it would have been supposedly. His behavior was normal so there was no risk to her. Not knowing your partner is on a particular medicine does not make them a complete stranger. That OTT.

 

Your murder example is too extreme too. If her bf has not shown any signs of mental imbalance (which the prozac helps) for the last year & a half then he is not likely going to go berserk, and if you are going to push that as still a risk, then you might as well come out and tell the OP to dump her bf asap, and advice everyone to never get involved with anyone who is taking ADs because its just too much of a risk for their safety.

 

I understand why he did not tell her when they were dating since it seems the med does a good job of making him normal so he doesn't have to explain any abnormal behavior or episodes of being withdrawn, but it is something I thought he should have disclosed at the point were they decided to move in together.

 

There is no amount of justification in the world you can do to convince someone that it's ok to lie about taking an antidepressant. None.

 

Doesn't matter if they are together 15 months or 1 week or 15 years. A lie by another name is still a lie. So what are you saying, one shouldn't disclose something as important as taking an antidepressant with their significant other until they are married and together for a specific number of years? Sorry, we will have to disagree.

 

If I was dating a man and he was on an antidepressant and did not tell me until I accidentally found out as the OP did, I'd consider that a deal breaker for me. If we live together at one month, 15 months or longer, I reserve the right to know who I'm living with and any changes to their lifestyle, mental health, job status, physical health because I'm investing my time with this person. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who lies to me about the medications they take.

 

My example of the mentally ill man killing his family is not extreme in the context of this discussion about what the potential consequences are for hiding the fact that one is on an antidepressant for a mental illness.

 

The OP has every right to know her boyfriend is taking an antidepressant. The fact that he hid it from her (intentionally as one does not forget to mention, "oh by the way, I'm taking an antidepressant to treat my mental illness you don't mind do you?"), shows that he doesn't really want to involve her in his life, that he doesn't want to be responsible for himself or for his relationship. He was wrong to hide this medication from the OP. There's no arguing around that.

[katiegrl]

There is no amount of justification in the world you can do to convince someone that it's ok to lie about taking an antidepressant. None.

 

Doesn't matter if they are together 15 months or 1 week or 15 years. A lie by another name is still a lie. So what are you saying, one shouldn't disclose something as important as taking an antidepressant with their significant other until they are married and together for a specific number of years? Sorry, we will have to disagree.

 

If I was dating a man and he was on an antidepressant and did not tell me until I accidentally found out as the OP did, I'd consider that a deal breaker for me. If we live together at one month, 15 months or longer, I reserve the right to know who I'm living with and any changes to their lifestyle, mental health, job status, physical health because I'm investing my time with this person. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who lies to me about the medications they take.

 

My example of the mentally ill man killing his family is not extreme in the context of this discussion about what the potential consequences are for hiding the fact that one is on an antidepressant for a mental illness.

 

The OP has every right to know her boyfriend is taking an antidepressant. The fact that he hid it from her (intentionally as one does not forget to mention, "oh by the way, I'm taking an antidepressant to treat my mental illness you don't mind do you?"), shows that he doesn't really want to involve her in his life, that he doesn't want to be responsible for himself or for his relationship. He was wrong to hide this medication from the OP. There's no arguing around that.

 

+1000 ......nuff said!

[gaius]

I understand that this may be a sensitive topic for many people, so I have considered keeping quiet about it and just "let him tell me when he's ready."

The answer doesn't really matter to me; I'll love him no matter what, so I really have considered this.

 

But I wavered because then I'd keeping a secret. Also, what if he wants to bring it up but finds it difficult to approach the subject? Or if he's afraid that I would leave him because of this? (I didn't make this one up, because sometimes when he talks about his low libido, he would ask me if I'd break up with him because of that--to which I'd responded no, I didn't care about that.)

 

I'm considering asking him because I thought if I were in his shoes, I would desperately hope that my partner would just ask me (in a loving, nonjudgmental, nonconfrontational way), assure me that our relationship/future wouldn't be affected by it, and that everything would be ok. Am I totally out of my mind here, or does someone else also think that he would want that (have this cleared out, not having to worry about when should I tell, and how would my partner react)?

 

 

PS. Also I'd like to add that the pill boxes are right in the closet (which both of us use) in an open box. He didn't try to hide them. If he's really that embarrassed or afraid, I wouldn't thought that he would hide them better (and I probably would never have found out).

He already pretty much lied to you about it. When the whole low libido conversation happened. So I would wager it's not a topic he really wants to discuss or admit to.

 

Dragging stuff like that out of a guy doesn't really help anything. At best, he feels indifferent, at worst humiliated. So if it really doesn't matter to you the smart thing would be to just accept it and voice approval if it ever does come up. But not bring it up yourself.

 

It could be that leaving them where you can find them is his way of telling you. And you not leaving him or changing your attitude would be your way of telling him you accept it.

[Redhead14]

I've been with my bf for about 15 months, and he moved in with me a few months ago. Things are going really well between us and I love him very, very much.

 

I always thought that he'd been open to me about everything. I never felt like he kept secrets from me, so I always felt very comfortable. He has quite a few medical issues, and he told me about them fairly early on (within the first month of us being together).

 

However, just last week, I found that he has been actively taking Prozac. (I was looking for some antihistamines, and ran into a pill bottle of his--it's a generic, but the bottle says right on there that it's a replacement for Prozac.) He has a few bottles, and a new one of refills, so I know he's actively taking them.

 

He never told me about this. Never told me about any depression or other mental issues.

 

Mentally, he doesn't behave in a way that suggests that he has depression. (Maybe the Prozac helps, or maybe the Prozac is for something else.) However, now that I know, I see that he does exhibit a lot of the side effects that I read about--waking him during the night, bad dreams, and decreased libido.

 

I honestly don't have a problem with this, but I'm a little concerned about why he never told me. I can understand that some people don't like to talk about depression, mental issues, etc. But sometimes he would talk at great length about the depression of his friends, and he never once brought this up. Also, we had talked about his libido, and he had told me that it was because of his other medical issues. Maybe that's true, but surely prozac probably had an effect too, and he never told me.

 

So I really feel like asking him about this--NOT to confront him about not telling me, but I just want to understand what he's going through. I don't want to have this cloud over me. However, I don't know how to approach the subject, and I don't know if he would be uncomfortable/offended by me bringing it up. (On the other hand, I can't really unsee what I saw, and just forget about it.) I know this might be a sensitive topic, so I do want to make sure that I approach it with caution.

 

So what do you think I should do?

 

Thanks for any advice!

 

At 15 months, he should be able to and comfortable enough to tell you and discuss these kinds of things, especially if you are living together.

 

You open a casual, supportive conversation with him. You say something like "I love you and respect our relationship. I found some medication for depression that you are apparently taking and I'd like it if we could talk about it. I want to understand what you are dealing with and to know how/if I can help." And then, let him talk.

[katiegrl]

At 15 months, he should be able to and comfortable enough to tell you and discuss these kinds of things, especially if you are living together.

 

You open a casual, supportive conversation with him. You say something like "I love you and respect our relationship. I found some medication for depression that you are apparently taking and I'd like it if we could talk about it. I want to understand what you are dealing with and to know how/if I can help." And then, let him talk.

 

^^Redhead, I have never said this to you ...but you are a very kind and understanding person..

 

I really admire you....

 

That's all...

[preraph]

Good for your boyfriend for treating his problems, because many people don't and instead let it affect all their friends and family negatively. He probably has depression and obviously the Prozac is working. Whatever you do , do NOT encourage him to get off meds!! You would be doing him nothing but harm.

[ascendotum]

There is no amount of justification in the world you can do to convince someone that it's ok to lie about taking an antidepressant. None.

.....

......

The fact that he hid it from her (intentionally as one does not forget to mention, "oh by the way, I'm taking an antidepressant to treat my mental illness you don't mind do you?"), shows that he doesn't really want to involve her in his life, that he doesn't want to be responsible for himself or for his relationship. He was wrong to hide this medication from the OP. There's no arguing around that.

 

I don't call him not mentioning being on a particular medicine or herb or supplement a lie. I know some here do, but I dont call omission the same as a lie. For all the threads on here regarding past sex partners which many seem reluctant to want to discuss we could describe them all as liars then, which I'm sure you would get a fight over. I was on a medicine that my gf never saw that I kept in compartment in my fridge. I don't consider myself a liar even though I told her about my medical condition.

 

No not until they are married. Before that. Like I said I totally get why a guy would hide the fact that he is on an AD early on in the dating process especially if it did the job well, but at the point where they started discussing moving in together and getting serious then he should have told her. If his depression is exogenous in origin so only temporary then I would say its reasonable to keep it quite. Lots of guys with mild depression wont see a doctor or take any meds and deny there is anything wrong with them, but I guess that would be better since they are not hiding any meds. By taking prozac he is being responsible for himself and I'd say being a better bf than he would otherwise by ignoring his problem.

[katiegrl]

I don't call him not mentioning being on a particular medicine or herb or supplement a lie. I know some here do, but I dont call omission the same as a lie.

 

***For all the threads on here regarding past sex partners which many seem reluctant to want to discuss we could describe them all as liars then, which I'm sure you would get a fight over.***

 

***I was on a medicine that my gf never saw that I kept in compartment in my fridge. I don't consider myself a liar even though I told her about my medical condition. ***

 

No not until they are married. Before that. Like I said I totally get why a guy would hide the fact that he is on an AD early on in the dating process especially if it did the job well, but at the point where they started discussing moving in together and getting serious then he should have told her. If his depression is exogenous in origin so only temporary then I would say its reasonable to keep it quite. Lots of guys with mild depression wont see a doctor or take any meds and deny there is anything wrong with them, but I guess that would be better since they are not hiding any meds. By taking prozac he is being responsible for himself and I'd say being a better bf than he would otherwise by ignoring his problem.

 

Oh for cripes sake, disclosing how many sexual partners is quite a bit different from disclosing a mental illness!

 

Were you being serious with that??? Really?

 

And of course you wouldn't consider yourself a liar. Why would you? You disclosed it to her! Duh.

Edited May 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Good for your boyfriend for treating his problems, because many people don't and instead let it affect all their friends and family negatively. He probably has depression and obviously the Prozac is working. Whatever you do , do NOT encourage him to get off meds!! You would be doing him nothing but harm.

 

If this were a newer relationship and she discovered he had a mental health issue, I might suggest that she back away. In this case, we are seeing two people who are basically starting out together and going through process of knowing each other on a deeper level. There will always be things that come to light over time about a person. And if you are in a loving relationship that you hope will lead to marriage, reacting to new revelations with surprise or anger or sense of betrayal, is going to cause more problems. A person who has entered into a long-term relationship needs to be able to accept, deal with, and manage issues in a supportive way.

 

What I'm observing here, though, is that for whatever reason, he's hasn't been able to reveal his situation to her, maybe for fear of her reaction and she is now afraid to ask him for fear of his reaction. This is a communication barrier that they both need to "get over" right now.

 

It's not about what you say or ask, it's the way you say it and approach it. If she went with her gut reaction, which was something along the lines of feeling betrayed on some level, and "confronted" him, she would only add to his depression and he will continue to fear her reactions to things going forward.

 

Whatever his reason for not communicating with her are, her being able to address it in an understanding way, will pave the way for them both to be able to communicate properly going forward. She's showing him how to be an effective communicator as well and showing him that he doesn't need to keep things from her for fear of her reaction. This is often the reason people don't communicate effectively -- fear.

 

And, just because he is depressed doesn't mean he can't be or won't be able to be a good partner. He is making the effort to manage it. If he weren't that would be another story. There are millions of people who are depressed and aren't addressing it and sometimes don't even realize it.

 

If the meds are affecting his libido, this is something he needs to discuss with the doctor he is working with. The depression if untreated could cause issues with libido regardless. There are ways to manage libido while on medication. So he'll need to put in some effort there as well.

[Gaeta]

t. Like I said I totally get why a guy would hide the fact that he is on an AD early on in the dating process especially if it did the job well, but at the point where they started discussing moving in together and getting serious then he should have told her. If his depression is exogenous in origin so only temporary then I would say its reasonable to keep it quite. Lots of guys with mild depression wont see a doctor or take any meds and deny there is anything wrong with them, but I guess that would be better since they are not hiding any meds. By taking prozac he is being responsible for himself and I'd say being a better bf than he would otherwise by ignoring his problem.

 

They are living together!!

 

What you are suggesting is to lead someone to love you then drop the bomb on them after they are emotionally invested !!!

 

And how do you disclose that to a new wife? Oh Honey by the way I suffer from maniac depression and I made 3 suicide attempts in the past but don't worry cause I think I'm on the right meds now!!!

 

Holy cow!

 

Yes a lot of people are prejudiced and that is why you disclose it right away!! Not everyone is equipped to deal with a partner suffering from depression.

 

Depression is an illness and should be disclosed right at the beginning along with ANY other health issues!!

[katiegrl]

They are living together!!

 

What you are suggesting is to lead someone to love you then drop the bomb on them after they are emotionally invested !!!

 

And how do you disclose that to a new wife? Oh Honey by the way I suffer from maniac depression and I made 3 suicide attempts in the past but don't worry cause I think I'm on the right meds now!!!

 

Holy cow!

 

Yes a lot of people are prejudiced and that is why you disclose it right away!! Not everyone is equipped to deal with a partner suffering from depression.

 

Depression is an illness and should be disclosed right at the beginning along with ANY other health issues!!

 

Absolutely Gaeta.

 

And yeah, kudos to him for seeking treatment to manage his illness. But THAT does *not* absolve him from disclosing it to her.

 

One thing (him seeking treatment) has *nothing* to do with the other (choosing to not disclose it to her)..

 

To suggest it does and to use the fact he sought treatment as some sort of justification for not disclosing it makes NO sense...

[RoseVille]

I only read the first page of responses and was quite taken back by he "none of your business!" crowd.

 

In a committed relationship, your partner's mental and emotional health IS YOUR BUSINESS. It's part of the foundation of your relationship!

 

OP, I'd just talk to him about it. Start off by telling him you're not at all concerned or bothered that he takes them, it's no big deal, but would like to talk about why he didn't tell you.

 

Maybe he's ashamed (shouldn't be), maybe he thought you'd judge him or not love him, which is something you can explain away.

 

I think this would be a great opportunity for you two to grow stronger, actually.