Found out my bf is on Prozac and want to talk to him about it

[ababila]

I've been with my bf for about 15 months, and he moved in with me a few months ago. Things are going really well between us and I love him very, very much.

 

I always thought that he'd been open to me about everything. I never felt like he kept secrets from me, so I always felt very comfortable. He has quite a few medical issues, and he told me about them fairly early on (within the first month of us being together).

 

However, just last week, I found that he has been actively taking Prozac. (I was looking for some antihistamines, and ran into a pill bottle of his--it's a generic, but the bottle says right on there that it's a replacement for Prozac.) He has a few bottles, and a new one of refills, so I know he's actively taking them.

 

He never told me about this. Never told me about any depression or other mental issues.

 

Mentally, he doesn't behave in a way that suggests that he has depression. (Maybe the Prozac helps, or maybe the Prozac is for something else.) However, now that I know, I see that he does exhibit a lot of the side effects that I read about--waking him during the night, bad dreams, and decreased libido.

 

I honestly don't have a problem with this, but I'm a little concerned about why he never told me. I can understand that some people don't like to talk about depression, mental issues, etc. But sometimes he would talk at great length about the depression of his friends, and he never once brought this up. Also, we had talked about his libido, and he had told me that it was because of his other medical issues. Maybe that's true, but surely prozac probably had an effect too, and he never told me.

 

So I really feel like asking him about this--NOT to confront him about not telling me, but I just want to understand what he's going through. I don't want to have this cloud over me. However, I don't know how to approach the subject, and I don't know if he would be uncomfortable/offended by me bringing it up. (On the other hand, I can't really unsee what I saw, and just forget about it.) I know this might be a sensitive topic, so I do want to make sure that I approach it with caution.

 

So what do you think I should do?

 

Thanks for any advice!

[Gaeta]

There is just one way to approach this. You tell him you found his prescription pills by accident and you'd like he tell you about it. Then let him talk.

[gaius]

You should keep quiet about the find and let him tell you when he's ready.

[endlessabyss]

Isn't your business.

[kayjay85]

Ababila I was once addicted to pain killers from an injury. My life quickly spiraled out of control that was over 2 yrs ago now. But from personal experience I was very good at hiding thing especially emotions.i became a great liar and I suppose pride didnt help either. I wanted help so bad but I couldn't ask for it people susspected a problem but didn't really push me for answers. I would silently cry out for help I wanted them to know without me asking I felt so ashamed. Please please push for answers and be truthful it will hurt them but I can tell you I believe its what they want and need. You may just save a life because i can tell you its no life at all to have an addiction. I hope this helps and I hope you all get through this

[ababila]

Isn't your business.

 

A few people have told me this, but I don't understand. I see that it's a sensitive topic, but we're living together, in a committed relationship, so I don't understand why it would be none of my business.

 

On a practical level, if he's in a medical emergency, wouldn't it be better if I knew what medications he's taking? (And this is not a made-up scenario, given the other medical issues that he has.)

 

Also, you're not supposed to drink much alcohol if you're on Prozac, but he drinks. Not very much, but sometimes 3-4 drinks a night. I didn't think much about it before, but now it worries me, as I hear that combining alcohol and Prozac can be dangerous. But if I don't talk to him about this, I can't raise my concerns.

[ababila]

You should keep quiet about the find and let him tell you when he's ready.

 

I understand that this may be a sensitive topic for many people, so I have considered keeping quiet about it and just "let him tell me when he's ready."

The answer doesn't really matter to me; I'll love him no matter what, so I really have considered this.

 

But I wavered because then I'd keeping a secret. Also, what if he wants to bring it up but finds it difficult to approach the subject? Or if he's afraid that I would leave him because of this? (I didn't make this one up, because sometimes when he talks about his low libido, he would ask me if I'd break up with him because of that--to which I'd responded no, I didn't care about that.)

 

I'm considering asking him because I thought if I were in his shoes, I would desperately hope that my partner would just ask me (in a loving, nonjudgmental, nonconfrontational way), assure me that our relationship/future wouldn't be affected by it, and that everything would be ok. Am I totally out of my mind here, or does someone else also think that he would want that (have this cleared out, not having to worry about when should I tell, and how would my partner react)?

 

 

PS. Also I'd like to add that the pill boxes are right in the closet (which both of us use) in an open box. He didn't try to hide them. If he's really that embarrassed or afraid, I wouldn't thought that he would hide them better (and I probably would never have found out).

[PogoStick]

I wouldn't worry about 3-4 drinks + prozac on an isolated night. Regularly is a different story. Now you add in other medical issues that you've mentioned with possibly more drugs and there is more potential for liver toxicity.

 

I would suspect either depression itself, or the prozac are highly likely to be part of his sexual problems. Prozac (and other SSRIs) can shut a person down 100%.

 

ANyway, I suggest you sit him down. Tell him how much you care about him. Plant a big kiss on his lips. Then tell him you found the medication and you are "here to listen any time he feels like talking about it". Tell him it isn't necessary to discuss it immediately and then let him take the lead from there.

[ascendotum]

Isn't your business.

I disagree, when it comes to someone you are in a LTR are with I think she has the right to ask him..but along the lines of just being curious or concerned about their partners health and not in any sort of accusatory or negative stigma manner. If if I found AD, epilepsy, HD painkillers, antibiotics, blood pressure, thyroid or whatever meds in my gfs cabinet I'd have no problem asking her about it and it would be out of concern for her well being.

 

With her bf and his Prozac I can understand why he is not mentioning it. As much as there has been a push to reduce the stigma associated with depression I still think a lot of guys will be wary about ever admitting it. He could well think she might think less of him that he has to rely on an AD to cope. I remember reading an article in a woman's magazine (waiting for doctor) on this very scenario except the scenario involved a new guy the women were dating, and the panel of women admitted they were wary of getting involved with such a guy any futher if they discovered AD meds in his cabinet so yeah there is good reason for guys to keep their mouth shut in regards to this.

[lana-banana]

Prozac is such a mild antidepressant I really wouldn't think anything of it. If your boyfriend is regular about his medication and behaves in a responsible, healthy way, you have nothing to worry about. Your boyfriend deserves kudos for taking care of his mental health.

 

As someone who took antidepressants for a very long time---much longer than I ever needed---I think the best thing you could do is either not bring it up, or be casual and joke about it. Make it clear you don't think it's a big deal (and it's Prozac, not lithium; it's genuinely not a big deal at all) and that you'll support and love him regardless.

[Buddhist]

I personally think you should mind your own business. People are allowed to have boundaries and privacy even within the context of a relationship. Depression isnt the kind of thing people like to talk about because it usually gets this response from non-depressed people.

 

1. I'll help you fix it. Just exercise more and think happy thoughts.

2. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're so self absorbed and selfish.

3. Depression is just an excuse to have a bad attitude.

 

It rarely gets any real understanding at all. Depression isnt just feeling bad a lot as most people assume. Leave him alone, afford him his privacy and when he respects and trusts you enough he might talk to you about it.

[Gaeta]

This needs to be disclosed when you are in a committed relationship for medical reasons. If he ends up unconscious in an emergency room they need to know all the meds he's taking.

 

Also if you suffer from depression, whether it's chronic or seasonal it's something you tell your partner early on in a relationship.

 

It's ridiculous to think it's not her business.

[Gaeta]

I personally think you should mind your own business. People are allowed to have boundaries and privacy even within the context of a relationship. Depression isnt the kind of thing people like to talk about because it usually gets this response from non-depressed people.

 

1. I'll help you fix it. Just exercise more and think happy thoughts.

2. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're so self absorbed and selfish.

3. Depression is just an excuse to have a bad attitude.

 

It rarely gets any real understanding at all. Depression isnt just feeling bad a lot as most people assume. Leave him alone, afford him his privacy and when he respects and trusts you enough he might talk to you about it.

 

Why are you assuming OP doesn't understand depression?

 

They're not dating, they're living together. This is something he needs to disclose. When you're embarking in a life with someone for the long run you put all of your cards on the table. Would you move in with someone and make long term plans with them but don't tell about your kidney illness or your diabetes? or your IBS, It's the same thing.

[Buddhist]

Why are you assuming OP doesn't understand depression?

 

They're not dating, they're living together. This is something he needs to disclose. When you're embarking in a life with someone for the long run you put all of your cards on the table. Would you move in with someone and make long term plans with them but don't tell about your kidney illness or your diabetes? or your IBS, It's the same thing.

 

I don't happen to agree. Anyone who thought they had that kind of entitlement on my privacy would be packing their bags the next day. And just moving in with someone isn't exactly 'embarking on a life together', its merely cohabitation. He's probably not hiding the bottles because he trusts she won't go through his stuff. Guess he got that assumption wrong though.

 

I'm not assuming she doesn't understand depression, I'm explaining possible reasons why a depressed person is reluctant to advertise the fact. Having met all of these attitudes myself I wouldn't disclose it either. Frustrating doesn't even come close to describing the experience.

[Gaeta]

I don't happen to agree. Anyone who thought they had that kind of entitlement on my privacy would be packing their bags the next day. And just moving in with someone isn't exactly 'embarking on a life together', its merely cohabitation. He's probably not hiding the bottles because he trusts she won't go through his stuff. Guess he got that assumption wrong though.

 

I'm not assuming she doesn't understand depression, I'm explaining possible reasons why a depressed person is reluctant to advertise the fact. Having met all of these attitudes myself I wouldn't disclose it either. Frustrating doesn't even come close to describing the experience.

 

I am extremely surprised this is coming from you. I understand about being reluctant to inform your SO but it needs to be done just like it needs to be done with any other medical issue. Depression is a medical condition just like any other medical condition.

 

Ask OP if she feels she is just cohabiting with her boyfriend.

[Guitarisgood]

Grab the bottle and put it on the table next to a note. Outline you accidentally found it while looking for anti histamines. Write then that you understand it is none of your business hence you've left the note and it on the table but know that it is something important to talk about but that you won't ask and leaving it up to him and when he is ready to. Leave the note and bottle somewhere he can see when you are out and carry on with your day.

[Art_Critic]

Unless there is a signed HIPPA form with the GF's name on it then no she doesn't need to know some things don't need to be told to everyone in your life.. medical privacy is needed and expected, he may be not ready to tell her or may feel less of a person because of his diagnose and may very well feel more vulnerable telling her than he is willing to disclose..

 

This isn't a heart condition and as the OP even suggested doesn't affect her as she had no idea he was on it..

 

Why is the right to need to know greater than the person actually taking the medicine ?.. it isn't IMO

 

That being said.. the OP found the bottle so now is the time for a conversation and the conversation better not go in the direction of why he didn't tell her but rather his feelings of being on the medication and the like or he will feel persecuted for having a medical condition.

[Gaeta]

I have a thread on here about a man disclosing he was suffering from depression after 4 dates and everyone agreed it's something to be disclosed early in a relationship so the other person can decide if it's something they want to deal with or not.

 

Suddenly in this thread depression is something private that doesn't need disclosure.

 

Interesting.

[Gary S]

From his perspective, he was under no obligation to tell you about his happy pills. You are not his doctor or shrink. However, from your perspective, it's good to know all. Welcome to the cat-and-mouse game.

 

If you think things are bad now, wait until he decides he does not need to take his happy pills anymore.

 

Date someone with less problems that you do and you'll have a lot smoother ride.

[Guitarisgood]

I have a thread on here about a man disclosing he was suffering from depression after 4 dates and everyone agreed it's something to be disclosed early in a relationship so the other person can decide if it's something they want to deal with or not.

 

Suddenly in this thread depression is something private that doesn't need disclosure.

 

Interesting.

 

There's a reason that the saying is 'woman are from venus and men are from mars' Gaeta. Blokes find it harder to disclose things such as this that may seem so clear to others but to his friends may simply end up being the next topic of banter and teasing. Hence guys tend to sweep things such as this under the rug and continue acting 'macho'.

 

As such it is a touchy topic. Even if you're a SO, to simply be so forward and ask a guy will make him pretty defensive (I know I would). You've got to come at it at a different angle and slowly chip away because if he's like the typical guy, he won't want to talk about emotions and the likes. It's why over here, we've had so many adverts on t.v. to encourage men to speak out when they suffer mental illnesses such as depression.

 

OP you know the guy best and how to best approach him about touchy topics so use that as your way to inquire.

[Survivor12]

A few people have told me this, but I don't understand. I see that it's a sensitive topic, but we're living together, in a committed relationship, so I don't understand why it would be none of my business.

 

On a practical level, if he's in a medical emergency, wouldn't it be better if I knew what medications he's taking? (And this is not a made-up scenario, given the other medical issues that he has.)

 

Also, you're not supposed to drink much alcohol if you're on Prozac, but he drinks. Not very much, but sometimes 3-4 drinks a night. I didn't think much about it before, but now it worries me, as I hear that combining alcohol and Prozac can be dangerous. But if I don't talk to him about this, I can't raise my concerns.

 

Your last paragraph--as well as your obvious concern--may be what he is trying to avoid & why he hasn't told you. With merely knowing that he has a prescription, you are already drawing conclusions & letting it influence how you perceive his behavior (and libido) is affected. Without knowing any detail, you are using your own diagnosis as a basis to decide what he should/shouldn't do, excuse his low sex drive & attribute other negative behaviors to depression.

 

As for telling him that you found them-yes, let him know so that he is aware of why you are treating him differently (and you will be even if you don't think so). What you shouldn't do is question him. Tell him how you feel about not being told and the openness that you expect in a relationship. That is something that is important for him to know...but leave it to him to decide whether or not he wants to tell you more.

 

Be prepared...once you tell him that you know, it is very possible that the dynamic of your relationship will change. If he didn't tell you because he didn't want to be mothered or told what to do, he may become very sensitive to your concern and push you away when you show any. On the other hand, if he was embarrassed or reluctant to show weakness, once the cat is out of the bag, he may use it as a way to garner sympathy. In either case, it will give him an excuse when you are disappointed with something he does, how he is acting or to get out of doing something he doesn't want to do.

 

Bottom line--the only thing that has changed is that you found out. If your relationship is good & his ability to handle 3-4 drinks) has not been a problem up to now, the only difference is that you have discovered that there is a disparity in the level of openness you expect & what he is comfortable or willing to share. my advice is to open a dialogue about that--because that is the kind of open & honest understanding that is necessary to build a solid relationship.

 

Good luck.

[katiegrl]

Isn't your business.

 

They're in a serious relationship and living together, I think it most certainly IS her business...

 

Just ask him what's up? You found the Prozac, and if he suffers from depression or another mental disorder, why did he not feel safe or comfortable enough telling you?

 

I don't get why you're even wondering about what to do. Do you not talk and communicate with each other?

 

Just ask him...not in an accusatory way, but in a confused way. If he does not feel comfortable discussing things like this with you, you need to know why so you can resolve it....together.

[guild11]

Shrinks give away anti depressants like its some sort of candy,

You can tell him you found the pills and let HIM decide wether he wants to share the issue with you.

Dont take it too hard.

[lemoncello]

OP, the direct way is best. Your boyfriend should have disclosed his Prozac use and mental illness to you when you two first met. It definitely IS your business. Please don't be naive and tip-toe around your boyfriend's feelings about your discovery. The bigger context of this is: he hid something serious from you. What else could he be hiding, and why?

 

And, I don't understand other people's perspectives who advocate the boyfriend hiding mental illness from the OP. Who tell the OP, "let your boyfriend tell you when he's ready." Um, the cat's already out of the bag here folks. The OP found the antidepressant. She has to confront her boyfriend now. To tell her not to confront him: that seems like truly irresponsible advice. Since when is that not the OP's business?! She is in a relationship and living with her boyfriend. Anyone who takes an antidepressant is morally obligated to share that with their romantic partner. To hide something like that is wrong, on so many levels.

 

Living with someone who is mentally ill comes with challenges, requires sacrifice and compromise and a lot of patience. The OP has every right to know who she's dating and now living with, for her own safety and protection and also because she wasn't given a chance to think about whether or not she wanted to move in with her boyfriend who may be seriously mentally ill.

 

The fact that he didn't tell her about his Prozac prescription shows he's controlling and manipulative to a degree. It's not that he's ashamed he is taking an antidepressant. More likely he wants to keep the OP in the dark so he doesn't have to own up to the responsibilities that come with taking an antidepressant; monitoring his mental illness himself, letting the OP know so she can at least decide if that's something she wants to deal with, and for her own safety so she will be informed as to the type of mental illness her boyfriend has and how to cope with it as his girlfriend.

 

I looked online, and Prozac is prescribed to treat the following: Major Depressive Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Bullemia, and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Now, the last one can be removed from suspected reasons why the OP's boyfriend is on a Prozac prescription.

 

And to those who blow off Prozac as being a mild antidepressant, to justify the OP's boyfriend's secret also makes no sense to me. Mild or severe, her boyfriend kept a secret from her. It's not as if he hid his baseball card collection from the OP, or his penchant for argyle socks. Hiding the fact that you're on an antidepressant is a major secret.

 

Since you accidentally found his Prozac prescription, you have nothing to apologize for. It is the perfect opportunity for you to confront (yes, confront) your boyfriend.

 

OP, your boyfriend's Prozac omission is itself a *betrayal of trust*. If he really genuinely trusted and respected you OP, your boyfriend would have told you about his Prozac and the reason he takes it.

[katiegrl]

Why are you assuming OP doesn't understand depression?

 

They're not dating, they're living together. This is something he needs to disclose. When you're embarking in a life with someone for the long run you put all of your cards on the table. Would you move in with someone and make long term plans with them but don't tell about your kidney illness or your diabetes? or your IBS, It's the same thing.

 

Gaeta is SO right about this.

 

It needs to be disclosed for a number of reasons, the most important one being, if something were to happen to him, a medical emergency of ANY kind, and he was unconscious and needed to be treated with meds, the doctors need to know what meds he's taking, as certain drugs (especially anti-depressants) don't interact well with each other, the result of which could potentially kill him!