Does this warrant such EXTREME action?

May 9, 2015

I have been in a relationship with a man who has a hot temper. So much so, I have worried that he could get violent. He never has...but he has had behavior that has been extreme. He thought I was cheating on him and went through my cell phone and found text messages he did not like. He is extremely jealous and any interaction with ANY men - was wrong in his opinion. I abided by that for awhile but I started to talk with friends etc behind his back when I noticed his temper and worried that we weren't going to survive. Were some of my texts flirtatious? Only from the guy's end -- but when he dug through my phone - he was not pleased. So my point is - he had reason to be suspicious.

We ended up breaking up for a couple of days even though we fought all day via text when he said we were done. And then we got back together. During those days of fighting, a girlfriend tried to set me up with another guy. We hadn't talked on the phone, only texted. He invited me to meet him. I had told him that I had just gotten out of a long/serious relationship because of a very, very jealous and controlling ex.

Well, the night we got back together - we were at dinner and a text message popped up from the guy who invited me. I had just told him via text that day I had gotten back with my boyfriend. His text was something like "too bad, you would have seen that I'm not crazy and we could have had fun together."

My boyfriend saw it and demanded to know who it was. I initially lied and told him it was a girlfriend. He did reverse dial on the number and saw it came back to a man. He made me call him and talk to him. Remember I had never even spoken to this guy before via phone. He was shocked at my call and he could hear something was off in my voice. As I was talking, I was watching my boyfriend get extremely angry - flailing arms etc. I was obviously distracted. I got off the phone quickly and he asked if I was okay. I told him yes. He said I didn't sound it. I told him all was fine.

Well, after I hung up - he called 911. He texted me and asked if I was okay. I said no. My BF then grabbed the phone out of my hand and told me if the cops showed up that he would tell them I broke into the house!

I started running for the door. The cops were there.. and asked if I was okay. I told them yes. I told them that I was not in danger but I wanted to put it on the record that I was not breaking into the house and that my BF said that if they showed up that would be his story, but that I was NOT in danger and just wanted everything to calm down.

They told me to step outside and they arrested my BF for interference with a 911 call. They said I had no say in the matter - it was the state pressing charges, not me.

He feels that he was wrongly prosecuted and that I am to blame for the mess because I "cheated" even though I didn't even talk to the guy... he is really worried about his record.

What do you make of the situation? Is this my fault? Would you stay with this man if things are better and improved??? He has been an angel ever since...

May 9, 2015

Run, run, run...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

May 9, 2015

The guy is obviously unstable with severe anger issues. It's unfortunate for him, and unfortunate for you that you had chosen to pursue such a man. It is extremely inappropriate and crazy that he request you call the man and all these other things, IMO. And then him threatening you was even more insane. But my advice may be terrible since I still deal with PTSD and have trouble thinking straight, and am new to relationships.

Good luck.

May 9, 2015

This guy is a ticking time bomb. Trust me. Been there, it will only get worse!!

May 9, 2015

OH PLEASE !! get out of that controlling, manipulative, abusive, toxic relationship right now !!

He's been an angel since? It's part of the abuser's cycle.

Cycle of Abuse

May 9, 2015

I just feel responsible -- this guy should not have been texting me -- and that would have prevented the whole thing....

I feel I'm to blame. He has been great since this has happened...except when we discuss this issue. He gets very upset.... and jealous.

May 9, 2015

Hang on, there was a near identical thread posted a month or two back. If not word for word the same...

May 9, 2015

Yes -- I can't seem to get into my account. I would be grateful if you could provide insight here.

May 9, 2015

Stay with him? Sweetie, are you out of your mind??????

Come on now......

May 9, 2015

I just feel responsible -- this guy should not have been texting me -- and that would have prevented the whole thing....

I feel I'm to blame. He has been great since this has happened...except when we discuss this issue. He gets very upset.... and jealous.

Stop this!! You are talking exactly like a victim of domestic violence

* If I had not pushed his button

* If only I was nicer

* If I were prettier

* If I had left him alone

* I shouldn't get him mad

* It's my fault

He's an abuser, period.

READ THE LINK I put up for you!!! Him being sweet is confirming he is an abuser. It's part of their cycle. READ IT. Read the part where the victim feels it's her fault.

If you think this man is not going to punch you in the face soon you are delusional. Domestic violence escalate slowly. Men don't start hitting you right off the bat. It starts slowly with little control and manipulation, then emotional abuse, then financial abuse, then they start breaking things around, throwing remote control and stuff, punching holes in the wall, then slowly your turn is coming !!!!

May 9, 2015

Yes, I see this -- and I have to say that he proposed to me last week and I accepted. I do love him -- and he has started to go to therapy to address the issues of anger etc.

But, will that really change things? Will therapy work? He swears he would never phusically hurt me. But, he already shows signs of disliking my time with girlfriends -- worried that I'm going to meet another guy....

But I would imagine SOME of that is normal jealousy???

May 9, 2015

Yes, I see this -- and I have to say that he proposed to me last week and I accepted. I do love him -- and he has started to go to therapy to address the issues of anger etc.

But, will that really change things? Will therapy work? He swears he would never phusically hurt me. But, he already shows signs of disliking my time with girlfriends -- worried that I'm going to meet another guy....

But I would imagine SOME of that is normal jealousy???

NO - he is not going to change. Give him his ring back and tell him to show you he's serious by attending therapy for an entire year first then you will see.

I swear to you he won't make it to one year in therapy!!! he will attend a few times and tell you he is better and everything will be alright. It's typical for these men.

Listen: My ex-husband went to therapy it did not help at all. What he did to me at 30 yo, he repeated to his second wife at age 50. It takes years of work for these men to get a grip over their anger and most never do.

He can swear anything he wants!!! It means NOTHING. I told you, they build their abuse slowly, pushing it a little further each time. It starts with throwing things at you, then squeezing your wrist, then pushing you, and it slowly and slowly escalate.

My ex-husband also swear he would never touch me and he didn't the 3 years we dated but as soon as we got married his violence escalated and he ended up punching me in the face when I was 8 months pregnant.

May 9, 2015

But I would imagine SOME of that is normal jealousy???

Normal?? like what? calling 911 is normal jealousy to you?? Or him DEMANDING is normal to you? Him being shocked and making a scene and threatening you is normal??

No it's not normal jealousy.

Normal jealousy is: Honey who's that texting you, something I should know about?

May 9, 2015

Yes, I see this -- and I have to say that he proposed to me last week and I accepted. I do love him

Are you winding us up????

You cant seriously be thinking of marrying this abusive *********?

May 9, 2015

That's to much drama from a man. Might want to get a order of protection when go no contact just cause.

May 9, 2015

Yes, I see this -- and I have to say that he proposed to me last week and I accepted. I do love him -- and he has started to go to therapy to address the issues of anger etc.

But, will that really change things? Will therapy work? He swears he would never phusically hurt me. But, he already shows signs of disliking my time with girlfriends -- worried that I'm going to meet another guy....

But I would imagine SOME of that is normal jealousy???

Very, very unwise. You know it. Do not marry this person.

No, his level of jealousy isn't normal at all. It's abusive. You know that too.

Break up with him. He isn't a good man. Sorry, but you can do much better than him. He's got you so manipulated that it's scary and sad.

May 9, 2015

I understand how it may sound. But then I think of all the times he's made such extreme sacrifices for me. He really will go above and beyond to do anything for me. That's what confuses me .... The way he gives so much of himself makes me think that he does truly love me. The matter what I asked for he'll do it.

May 9, 2015

I understand how it may sound. But then I think of all the times he's made such extreme sacrifices for me. He really will go above and beyond to do anything for me. That's what confuses me .... The way he gives so much of himself makes me think that he does truly love me. The matter what I asked for he'll do it.

OP: Of course!! these men can be very charming and devoted. I never ever doubted my ex-husband loved me. He did, with all of his being and he would have given his life in a split second for me!! BUT did that justify his bad temper? his control and manipulation? his financial, emotional and physical abuse? NO

May 9, 2015

OP: Of course!! these men can be very charming and devoted. I never ever doubted my ex-husband loved me. He did, with all of his being and he would have given his life in a split second for me!! BUT did that justify his bad temper? his control and manipulation? his financial, emotional and physical abuse? NO

Abusive men do not start being abusive from day one. They charm the pants off you, they make themselves very important in your life, they hook you in and then they start.

Little things, at first, but they love you so much, so that little bit of jealously, that controlling stuff is just because they love you.

YOU believe them, because they are so wonderful and they have only your best interests at heart.

Then once they know you are hooked, and they can get away with just about anything and you will forgive them; the more serious stuff starts...

May 9, 2015

I have been in a relationship with a man who has a hot temper. So much so, I have worried that he could get violent. He never has...but he has had behavior that has been extreme. He thought I was cheating on him and went through my cell phone and found text messages he did not like. He is extremely jealous and any interaction with ANY men - was wrong in his opinion. I abided by that for awhile but I started to talk with friends etc behind his back when I noticed his temper and worried that we weren't going to survive. Were some of my texts flirtatious? Only from the guy's end -- but when he dug through my phone - he was not pleased. So my point is - he had reason to be suspicious.

We ended up breaking up for a couple of days even though we fought all day via text when he said we were done. And then we got back together. During those days of fighting, a girlfriend tried to set me up with another guy. We hadn't talked on the phone, only texted. He invited me to meet him. I had told him that I had just gotten out of a long/serious relationship because of a very, very jealous and controlling ex.

Well, the night we got back together - we were at dinner and a text message popped up from the guy who invited me. I had just told him via text that day I had gotten back with my boyfriend. His text was something like "too bad, you would have seen that I'm not crazy and we could have had fun together."

My boyfriend saw it and demanded to know who it was. I initially lied and told him it was a girlfriend. He did reverse dial on the number and saw it came back to a man. He made me call him and talk to him. Remember I had never even spoken to this guy before via phone. He was shocked at my call and he could hear something was off in my voice. As I was talking, I was watching my boyfriend get extremely angry - flailing arms etc. I was obviously distracted. I got off the phone quickly and he asked if I was okay. I told him yes. He said I didn't sound it. I told him all was fine.

Well, after I hung up - he called 911. He texted me and asked if I was okay. I said no. My BF then grabbed the phone out of my hand and told me if the cops showed up that he would tell them I broke into the house!

I started running for the door. The cops were there.. and asked if I was okay. I told them yes. I told them that I was not in danger but I wanted to put it on the record that I was not breaking into the house and that my BF said that if they showed up that would be his story, but that I was NOT in danger and just wanted everything to calm down.

They told me to step outside and they arrested my BF for interference with a 911 call. They said I had no say in the matter - it was the state pressing charges, not me.

He feels that he was wrongly prosecuted and that I am to blame for the mess because I "cheated" even though I didn't even talk to the guy... he is really worried about his record.

What do you make of the situation? Is this my fault? Would you stay with this man if things are better and improved??? He has been an angel ever since...

So much so, I have worried that he could get violent. -- As soon as a partner's behavior causes you fear, you get out.

That being said though, for the future, if your partner expresses a concern or tells you they are uncomfortable about something you're doing, you should be able to change that behavior because you love and respect the partner and the relationship enough. If they have expressed their concern in a way that is non-threatening and simply an attempt to address a need they have, it is not about control. In this case, he didn't handle it that way, so he's likely going to try to control every aspect of your life going forward. You are in an abusive relationship.

I abided by that for awhile but I started to talk with friends etc behind his back when I noticed his temper and worried that we weren't going to survive.

If you were afraid of his temper and opting to remain in the relationship, why would you continue to do things that would cause it to flair and put yourself at risk?

Bottomline here, is that you need to move on from this relationship. It is damaged and you will be walking on eggshells all the time even when things seem good.

May 9, 2015

That's kind of what happened last night. We were out. Instead of staying out dancing til 2, I suggested we go home at 12:15. I wanted to just be alone at home.

As we were driving back he stated suggesting that I was acting weird and holding my phone weird. He suggested I was texting someone which I wasn't! Then he started asking me what was wrong. Over and over. I told him nothing! He said I was hiding simethjgv. I said no! I handed him my phone. He said well in sure you have deleted all evidence! I said no. And then he started in on me that my new job (wrk from home) was going to require travel once or twice a year. And he was so angry that I was going to be traveling. Inferring I'm going to leave him ...

I told him its a work seminar like once a year! He said he didn't care. I finally told him he was acting nuts and I just went silent. And fell Asleep. He wanted a fight. I wouldn't participate.

May 9, 2015

That's kind of what happened last night. We were out. Instead of staying out dancing til 2, I suggested we go home at 12:15. I wanted to just be alone at home.

As we were driving back he stated suggesting that I was acting weird and holding my phone weird. He suggested I was texting someone which I wasn't! Then he started asking me what was wrong. Over and over. I told him nothing! He said I was hiding simethjgv. I said no! I handed him my phone. He said well in sure you have deleted all evidence! I said no. And then he started in on me that my new job (wrk from home) was going to require travel once or twice a year. And he was so angry that I was going to be traveling. Inferring I'm going to leave him ...

I told him its a work seminar like once a year! He said he didn't care. I finally told him he was acting nuts and I just went silent. And fell Asleep. He wanted a fight. I wouldn't participate.

He doesn't want you go anywhere, he wants to isolate you.

Tactic #4 ? Isolation

May 9, 2015

Inferring I'm going to leave him ...

As well you should!

Seriously - you had a thread about this before and now this one. So many people are trying to show you how dangerous this guy is; why don't you see it?

May 9, 2015

Yes he goes to extremes to always be around me. If I'm out of town. Even an hour away for work... He will leave work early to be near me. He says he just misses me. Says he just wants me home near him.

But he just found out that 2 of his office staff quit because they were fed up with him canceling things to follow me when I go out of town for work.

Last night he told me he has been ruining his career because he has been following me for the past year. He says that he doesn't want us to sleep separate cities. So he follows me when I work out of town.

But he is starting to realize that he has hurt his reputation and he makes me feel responsible. Says if I'd just stay home or nearby ... He could have a clear brain and not be worried or fearing im cheating

May 9, 2015

Yes he goes to extremes to always be around me. If I'm out of town. Even an hour away for work... He will leave work early to be near me. He says he just misses me. Says he just wants me home near him.

This is the behavior of a psychotic...

But he just found out that 2 of his office staff quit because they were fed up with him canceling things to follow me when I go out of town for work.

Seriously psychotic!

Last night he told me he has been ruining his career because he has been following me for the past year. He says that he doesn't want us to sleep separate cities. So he follows me when I work out of town.

You need to be away from him *AND* file a restraining order.

But he is starting to realize that he has hurt his reputation and he makes me feel responsible. Says if I'd just stay home or nearby ... He could have a clear brain and not be worried or fearing I'm cheating

I hate to say that we are going to be reading about him being arrested for murdering you or something as tragic.

I am serious.

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Does this warrant such EXTREME action?

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