Bella1990 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Dear all, I'd like to share my story for advice, a bird-view and just to release my thougts. I am so done with feeling pain. I posted here before and i do it again, why? Because it helps me and im really sorry for this.... I know i should get over it. Im ashamed of clearingbank my heart to everything and everybody. In februari 2014 I met Jay. It was amazing, from the first moment we saw each other. I never had this before and I can say, I have some experience in relationships. We dated for 6 months. It was amazing: we laughed, the sex was great and he was fully into me. One day we were laying in bed. I don't know how the conversation started, but it came to the point if we were in a relationship or not. I thought we were, but he said: no we are not in a relationship, we have fun, that's all. I was heartbroken. I left, felt horrible, heartbroken and used by the man I thought he was 'the one'. 1 week later he called me: he missed me and wanted to continue dating. I agreed. 2 months passed by (total 8 months), I was happy with him, but also a bit insecure. He told me he liked me, but he didn't know what he wanted. The insecurity got worser and I needed clarification. I was madly in love. I asked him the next: all or nothing. The answer was nothing. I left in tears. 1 month later he called again: he missed me and wanted to meet up. As heartbroken and miserable I was, I agreed again. We had a great evening. But my heart broke when he said he slept already 'casually' with someone else. I asked me to stay over that night, but I took the taxi. He didn't really contacted me after. In December he sended me a long e-mail. He told me how much he missed the fun times. I told him I couldn't meet him: I was still in pain, I thought of him all the time and I just couldn't be friends with him. I asked him not to contact me. Everytime he did, I felt worser than before. Because the point: the whole time he contacts me, he is sweet, charming and.. acting like he is into me. I saw him by accident in february. He was sweet and charming again and overloaded me with messages, to leave me alone again after a few days texing me. I was dissapointed, again. I told him to never contact me again. I explained all the feelings I felt and that I had difficulty to get over it. I saw him again, by accident, one month ago. I don't know why, but I cried. I just couldn't help it. It was the most amazing 8 months of my life, and they were gone, distroyed and lost. I removed him after that from facebook. Facebook is just facebook, but my oh my, it's may (more then a year ago since I met him) and still.. I can't keep him out of my head. I met a great man recently, who likes me and is really good to me. But I can't open up myself somehow to anyone. I still love Jay and i'm affraid i always will. We are NC and.... you know what I'm gonna say. And still....... how can I forget Jay? I want to forget him so badly. But all the things he said, it feels so confusing. He was talking about a future with me. He said he had fear of connection, he said he never felt the way he felt for me, and the cruel thing is: the last time he saw me (one month ago) he said 'i will miss you when i'm with a boring girlfriend on the couch in the future'. Like, how can someone say that? After months of feeling heartbroken and still feeling sick of it? Is this a sick twisting game? I want to be confident, I want to think: just f off, but I can't. I just f can't. I think of him every moment, every day. I'm a sweet girl and I don't look bad, Jay is quiet arrogant and i'm sure he will not find a girl like me. This sounds stupid, but well....... it's what i think, or maybe just hope he will find that out one day. I'm tired of this pain and putting my life and feelings on hold. I want to move on so badly for such a long time. Maybe you have any advice? Or just a nice word? I will print it out.. to remind myself. We are now nc for 4/5 weeks, before i accidentally saw him, nc for 4/5 weeks as well. Tnx to all for the advice a few minths ago, i just need some support, tired of not feeling good.... Love, Bella
Itspointless Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) I met a great man recently, who likes me and is really good to me. But I can't open up myself somehow to anyone. I still love Jay and i'm affraid i always will. [...] I'm tired of this pain and putting my life and feelings on hold. I want to move on so badly for such a long time. Jay played with your feelings. The fact that he sometimes gave you what you wanted does make you wonder, what if ... It makes him intoxicating. But to be honest, he is a looser. He does know how to act when he wants something of you. Do not fall for that. Yes very easily said, I know. If he honestly wants to go for you than he needs therapy. Try not to hurt others in trying to get over him. Edited May 8, 2015 by Itspointless
loveiswar101 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Hey Bella, many of us are going through the same on here I believe (myself 2.5 yrs gone of bliss with some I love and care deeply about). Reading the above I would concentrate on his actions rather than what he is saying. Read what you have just wrote and absorb his actions of the past. Might help ! Also just got this of another site... Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to. When you completely trust a person, without any doubt, you’ll automatically get one of two results - a FRIEND for life or a LESSON for life. Either way there’s a positive outcome. Either you confirm the fact that this person cares about you, or you get the opportunity to weed them out of your life and make room for those who do. In the end you’ll discover who’s fake, who’s true, and who would risk it all for you. And trust me, some people will totally surprise you. Yours and mine like many other sounds like the "Lesson for Life" Best wishes 3
dave_1966 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 This guy is a player, and will say whatever is required to sleep with you and have you on call without any commitment. He is more than likely doing this with woman that you know or don't know of at any time. There was probably other women asking themselves the same questions as you of him whilst he was in bed with you. You are feeding his ego even responding negatively to him, as he'll read this as still being in control of your emotions. He is more than likely suffering a narcisstic personality disorder, and your responses feed it. He will only ever be poisonous to you and cause you enormous emotional pain, and you need to cut ALL communication with him absolutely immediately to protect your own mental health. No contact means just that, block him from your life and look for someone that will actually care about your emotional well being because I can guarantee you this person doesn't. He's toxic. Read this: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/
joseb Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) I would concentrate on his actions rather than what he is saying. Read what you have just wrote and absorb his actions of the past. Might help ! This guy is so full of s h 1 t. You never had a real relationship with him. You need to reframe how you think about him - could you really love such a nasty piece of work, who messed with you and lied to you without a care for your feelings? Really? Once you see him for what he really was then you will be able to move on. Edited May 9, 2015 by joseb
Author Bella1990 Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 Thank you so much for your time and the advice/reactions, it means a lot. You guys are wonderfull.
Moley87 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Thank you so much for your time and the advice/reactions, it means a lot. You guys are wonderfull. Agree with all the above you sound an amazing girl who fell for someone who was not worth your love. Take the good memories and use that as motivation to be even more amazing in your next relationship . We are all here as a way to help and believe me it works try and focus off him now x
Mittens Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I was in 'relationship' with someone like this for 3 years. Much the same, the total 'pull and push'...he kept coming back, and I kept letting him. Even slept with other woman and didn't think anything of telling me so! All I can point to is the old saying 'Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me'... after I fell for it all AGAIN, I only had myself to blame. I know how much you want to believe that this guy still loves you, still has feelings for you...yes, he does have feelings for you. He has the feeling that he likes sex with you. That's it. He doesn't care about you as a person. All the stuff he's saying about having a future with you, etc? He's only saying it so he still gets access to your body. He doesn't mean a damn word of it. All of the above might seem mean, but it's what you need to think of when you are missing him, when you are tempted to break NC. Think of all the bad times, when his actions left you so upset. Get angry - not at him (even though he does deserve it) - but at yourself, for allowing yourself to be so disrespected by someone. Feel embarrassed that you did. Those feelings should stop you right in your tracks.
NC-Thomas Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) Of course I feel for you Bella and I think this is a great opportunity for you to learn something about yourself and the type of boundaries you set for your own. But besides that, I see a lot of posters blaming the guy on this. Let me give you my perspective. When a guy just wants to have sex and a girl wants a relationship, how come it's always the guy being portrayed as the bad person? What went wrong? Is this some sort of female victimization going on here? Somehow, in 90% of these cases, society sees men as the wrongdoers and woman as the victim. And yes, this social bias annoys me. Somehow, if you want more out of the relationship, then by all means make it very clear or move out. He persues casual sex / FWB, and you persue a solid relationship. Yet you kept on going with him, and now you are hurt my that mistake. Men and woman are set by nature to have different goals. IT just so happens to be that men value other aspects of contact then woman do. The whole "he played with my feelings", "he is such a loser for abusing me" posts in this topic are utterly hilarious. Just because you were unable to set clear emotional boundaries, doesn't make you a victim in this whole situation. What I am trying to say here is: you are in control of your own life. Once someone else steps over your boundary, it is you who needs to act. And what I see that is happening in this topic is: blaming the guy for crossing your lines, while instead it was your responsibility to do something about that. I don't see anything wrong with a man trying to persue intimate sexual contact with woman. But somehow, when woman get hurt by this, it's always the guy to blame. Was he manipulating you in any way? Perhaps so. He kept intimate contact and for you it was best he shouldn't, of course men do this, they are the hunters in this whole game, and yes just as you care for your goal, he cares for his: which was having casual sex. Were you manipulating yourself? Yes, you created the image of having a relationship, but you didn't actually have it. You two were on different levels and I think nobody is to blame for that solely. You have to take some of the responsibility here and unlike many posters in this topic are stating: it is not solely the guys fault. In the future, I think it would be very important to communicate in an earlier stadium about what kind of relationship you two are having. Playing the blame game doesn't address the problems in this situation. Because it refrains you from looking at yourself and trying to solve that underlying problem. Blaming, like many other posters seem to be doing in this topic re-directs all the problems towards the other party, which is very nice, because then we are not to blame: thus having nothing to fix about ourselves. It is this type of blame-game behavior that doesn't help us in any way, it only helps to feel better because "non of what happened was my fault". Edited May 10, 2015 by NC-Thomas
Ruby65 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I met a great man recently, who likes me and is really good to me. But I can't open up myself somehow to anyone You're not ready for dating. What are you doing? No one deserves to be used as a rebound. Take some time off dating and focus on healing and getting yourself back first, then you'll be in a position to start dating someone new. 1
mike_89 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Well the guy was crystal clear on what he wanted. He was honest. I can imagine he felt all the ways he described and still did not want a relationship. He has told you so multiple times. If you want a relationship this is not your guy, even without all the connection issues he described simply because he does not want the same thing with you. He is even being honest about having slept with other women, how much more honesty can you ask for? If you like him so much, be with him in the way he wants. If you don't want to live that way, then don't. Tell him you want no more contact, block his e-mail, his number and whatever. Or just keep in touch as friends but that does not seem like an appropriate solution to me, might be to you though. I also have to agree with NC-Thomas here. Why are people ****ting on this Jay dude? He has been 100% clear about what he does and does not want, and what he does and does not do. It's not like he was keeping her on the hook while sleeping with other women in secret. He did nothing wrong. He happens to be a very charming man and happens to really enjoy Bellas company but it is not his fault she fell for him, and it is also not his fault Bella continued to date with him while she wanted something he knew would not give. That was her choice.
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