dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 He thinks he is my last chance of getting a normal family and I am ruining it. It won't be a "normal family" with him. It will be an unhealthy, power and rage fuelled nightmare that you should never bring children into. Seriously. I have had a nightmare marriage and husband. He never showed crazy flags like this so early on. My god. Get out. It sounds like it will turn physical within the year. Get out. You have all of the flags. By the way. MOST abusers "have it together" on the outside. The vast majority do. That's part of what makes it so twisted. They know damn well it's wrong to treat someone like that. Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship..................AFTER you dump this guy. Dump. Dump. Dump. Dump. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 It won't be a "normal family" with him. It will be an unhealthy, power and rage fuelled nightmare that you should never bring children into. Seriously. I have had a nightmare marriage and husband. He never showed crazy flags like this so early on. My god. Get out. It sounds like it will turn physical within the year. Get out. You have all of the flags. By the way. MOST abusers "have it together" on the outside. The vast majority do. That's part of what makes it so twisted. They know damn well it's wrong to treat someone like that. Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship..................AFTER you dump this guy. Dump. Dump. Dump. Dump. Here, give me your phone, I'll do it for you! Trust me..... 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I am mostly upset because he thinks me being 33, I have no chance with starting a normal family otherwise (e.g. my reproductive years are numbered). He also thinks girls over 30 has no market or bargaining power in dating or in online dating market (he dates exclusively online). Why is so full of himself? His ex gf just came to visit, stayed in his tiny apt with him, when I got upset, he said I shouldn't be upset. Should I be? And he wouldn't tell her we have been dating for 5 months. When I asked what he likes about me, he said my hair, nice body and a chance of making partner at my firm, at which point, he will not have to work (he has a phd and teaches at college). Hello! He doesn't just have some red flags. He's the CEO of the Red Flag Factory! Seriously, I wonder if you are an Inverted Narcissist or something. Are you priding yourself on your loyalty or something? Is this going to be one of those "get in one the ground floor and then he changes into Prince Charming ideas?" Because, he isn't Charm royalty. He's not going to become charm royalty. And no amount of time, effort or investment will fix that. You will not be able to "stabilize" him in order to help yourself. You have to help yourself get out of this because guess what? He fundamentally lacks the qualities and behaviours that make a healthy partner and you are already getting sucked in. He's telling you how to dress, that you are going to support him. I mean really? REALLY?
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I totally agree that this is narcissistic abuse. Video for you:
No Limit Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Do they ever change? What's the point of chatting with 19 year olds if not for getting some? No, they don't change. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. And of course he wants to "get some", that's the whole point. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 No, they don't change. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. And of course he wants to "get some", that's the whole point. Even if it wasn't to "get some" and he just gets an ego boost from it..... Do you seriously want to get with a guy that thinks 30+ women are some kind of expired good and that talks to 19 year-olds for an ego boost? He treats you like an inconvenience on top of it all. 2
Author mmlee Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 Here, give me your phone, I'll do it for you! Trust me..... Thank you. Come to think of it, he has slapped my hand which sent what I was holding flying across the room, because he didn't like the way I was offering it to him ("shoved it in his face"). One girl he dated before, an acquaintance of mine said she was asked to wake him up one day, when she did, he slammed her against the wall, but later apologized. I have also been yelled at for not waking him up on time, or when I do wake him up on time (at 4:50 and make him coffee), for turning off his alarm clock.
Author mmlee Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 Thank you. Come to think of it, he has slapped my hand which sent what I was holding flying across the room, because he didn't like the way I was offering it to him ("shoved it in his face"). One girl he dated before, an acquaintance of mine said she was asked to wake him up one day, when she did, he slammed her against the wall, but later apologized. I have also been yelled at for not waking him up on time, or when I do wake him up on time (at 4:50 and make him coffee), for turning off his alarm clock. I thought he suffered from PTSD - 4 weeks into the relationship, he jumped out of the bed middle of the night after we both just kinda dosed off, yelled at me saying "I can't trust me"... why...."you didn't ask me to brush my teeth before letting me fall asleep".... I was flabbergasted.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Thank you. Come to think of it, he has slapped my hand which sent what I was holding flying across the room, because he didn't like the way I was offering it to him ("shoved it in his face"). One girl he dated before, an acquaintance of mine said she was asked to wake him up one day, when she did, he slammed her against the wall, but later apologized. I have also been yelled at for not waking him up on time, or when I do wake him up on time (at 4:50 and make him coffee), for turning off his alarm clock. Seriously. Ugh. I have a five year-old daughter. She doesn't have these kind of issues waking up. You aren't his Mom or his servant. This guy has issues than the UN. He teaches college and can't get himself up in the morning? And slams people against walls, slaps stuff out of their hands. I wouldn't accept that behaviour from my five year old. She knows it's wrong. He's a classic abuser. The thing is, we often have this stereotype of the raging lunatic who wears "wife-beater" shirts and gives black eyes and stays half-drunk most of the day as abusers. You know, the guys who get dumped and then go "oh Baby please....." But that is, well, a rather overdone stereotype. A lot of abusers are only abusive TO YOU when no one else is around. They often don't think they are abusers. They think that "you did something to frustrate them and they wouldn't act that way otherwise." It doesn't work like that. Sure, they might be tense, they might have issues. Mom might've shamed them, Dad might've smacked them. But at the end of the day, you passed something to him, he freaked and smacked it out of your hand. He doesn't get up and freaks on you. He wants to walk an hour to Walmart and gets annoyed by your shoes. You are on edge and walking on eggshells because you don't know what the heck will set him off. And he isn't even remotely loyal to you. Sure, maybe he gets you a coke from the fridge and takes you to dinner......but really the other stuff just drowns that out. You are on the way to a whopping case of PTSD if you don't drop this guy. You can say it 10,000 super-nice ways. But if he really cared how you feel, do you think he'd be telling you how you are "ruining your last chance to have a normal family." I wouldn't trust this guy to even enter my place, much less make a family with me! Jeepers. And I am "long-expired" at almost 33! Better to be "Expired" than "exasperated." And we women have this thing where we tell ourselves "better be nice to this one, who knows if there will be another one." Yes, there will be another one! And odds are he'll be nicer! I am very overweight. VERY. (Working on it, PCOS). Seriously, if you put yourself out there and interact socially with a variety of people and make sure you don't isolate yourself, that good guy will show up. Probably in the next one or two years, practically guaranteed. The longer you waste with Numbnuts here, the longer it takes to find the good guy. The one that has his ish together. Or maybe he is 95% of the way there. But this guy only appears to have it together because he has some personality, probably comes off as caring at first and has some status with his career. It's probably why he chose that career in the first place. But look what he's promising you even. You can put out for him. Do his slaving. Get his ass up in the morning...... if you think this clown is going to parent worth a damn, think again. And think of crying little kids as he smacks things out of their hands and freaks out when they want to wear their blue shoes instead of their brown shoes. Let me tell you..... little kids want what they want. This guy is not set up AT ALL to deal with those types of conflicts without rage. And on top of it all, you get to support him financially. Have fun being a working single-parent to an adult and your abused kids. Seriously. It isn't dramatics. It's the deal. It's what I have been putting up with (to a much lesser degree, my husband doesn't abuse our kid in such ways, but he is quite poorly self-managed and has no qualms about me supporting his butt. ) You may think, "well so and so wouldn't do that" or "once we got married or made babies, he'd step up." Er, no. Adults tend to settle in even worse under more stress. What you see if often what you get, amplified after kids and marriage. If he's a rager now, it'll be worse down the road. If he's a cheater now, he'll rub it in. Count on it. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I thought he suffered from PTSD - 4 weeks into the relationship, he jumped out of the bed middle of the night after we both just kinda dosed off, yelled at me saying "I can't trust me"... why...."you didn't ask me to brush my teeth before letting me fall asleep".... I was flabbergasted. And you know what? He probably grew up really strange. OKay. Most abusers have something where either Mommy and Daddy spoiled the crap out of him or crapped on him. I am sure that he has childhood issues up the wazoo. Guess what? You aren't his personal assistant. You aren't his Mom. You aren't his fix-it committee. I watched my own Mother do this for FOUR decades. (Well, I've been around 3) Guess what, my Dad is the "Neverending Project." SO MUCH FUN! Seriously, my Dad's issues completely overwhelmed my childhood and it sucked. He wasn't like a Dad. He was like an older brother with mental issues. It took so much more focus on my Dad being all crazy then even both my brother and sister being autistic, and later my brother being brain-injured. NO ONE had time for my needs. It was like my Dad was the only person on the planet. My Mom was just this "fix my Dad and cheer him on and defend him and make sure he doesn't get mad Committee." Okay, his PTSD is just that.... HIS. He shouldn't be dating ANYONE until he fixes his PTSD. It's not fair to anyone. And it's not fair to you to wait around forevermore while he "fixes it." Which he won't. He thinks it isn't his issue. He think you don't get him out of bed well enough.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I thought he suffered from PTSD - 4 weeks into the relationship, he jumped out of the bed middle of the night after we both just kinda dosed off, yelled at me saying "I can't trust me"... why...."you didn't ask me to brush my teeth before letting me fall asleep".... I was flabbergasted. My daughter is five. She brushes her own teeth and remembers to do it before bed time. Since when do adults have to do this for each other? 1
Author mmlee Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 My daughter is five. She brushes her own teeth and remembers to do it before bed time. Since when do adults have to do this for each other? dreamingoftigers, thank you for all your insights, I was so blindsided when he first mentioned wanting to be a stay-home dad so he doesn't have to the stress of working...I was thinking awww that's cute. Now, I totally agree with you he would not be able to handle kids AT ALL. I would end up providing financially, take care of the kids and take care of him. I already feel like he has sucked all the energy out of me to comply with his demands. He was surprised when I asked him to open up two boxes for me while I washed the dishes, saying no girl has ever asked him to do stuff for them, and he goes along better with girls who enjoy "pampering" him. I am done. I am professional woman, not a servant. As much as I am caring and traditional, I don't want slavery. 4
guest569 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 OP, I think you should see a counsellor and discuss these things too.. It might help you to see more clearly what's going on and i think expert advice will be good. This guy sounds like a lazy, abusive leech.
joseb Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 dreamingoftigers, thank you for all your insights, I was so blindsided when he first mentioned wanting to be a stay-home dad so he doesn't have to the stress of working...I was thinking awww that's cute. Now, I totally agree with you he would not be able to handle kids AT ALL. I would end up providing financially, take care of the kids and take care of him. I already feel like he has sucked all the energy out of me to comply with his demands. He was surprised when I asked him to open up two boxes for me while I washed the dishes, saying no girl has ever asked him to do stuff for them, and he goes along better with girls who enjoy "pampering" him. I am done. I am professional woman, not a servant. As much as I am caring and traditional, I don't want slavery. mmlee, I am so happy to hear you are done with him. Every time you write it becomes clearer how bad he really is. I think you are only slowly realising it. You would be well advised to get some counselling after you dump him as there will be some residual damage to you. have you a plan on how you will dump him? 1
Author mmlee Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 mmlee, I am so happy to hear you are done with him. Every time you write it becomes clearer how bad he really is. I think you are only slowly realising it. You would be well advised to get some counselling after you dump him as there will be some residual damage to you. have you a plan on how you will dump him? Texted. He is leaving for 3 weeks tmr anyway. I have scheduled with a therapist. At this point, it's very hard to shake off all what he said to me, the name calling, berating and the fact that he always made me know other girls wanted him. I need to pick up the pieces. 3
neowulf Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Good on you OP for leaving. Seriously, no idea how men like think they're suitable as partners... 2
joseb Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Texted. He is leaving for 3 weeks tmr anyway. I have scheduled with a therapist. At this point, it's very hard to shake off all what he said to me, the name calling, berating and the fact that he always made me know other girls wanted him. I need to pick up the pieces. Thats great. Yes, it will take some time and work to overcome the damage, but you are heading in the right direction. Good for you! 1
caringsister Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Run don't walk. Meds or no meds this guy is totally abusive. 1
caringsister Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) I am mostly upset because he thinks me being 33, I have no chance with starting a normal family otherwise (e.g. my reproductive years are numbered). He also thinks girls over 30 has no market or bargaining power in dating or in online dating market (he dates exclusively online). Why is so full of himself? His ex gf just came to visit, stayed in his tiny apt with him, when I got upset, he said I shouldn't be upset. Should I be? And he wouldn't tell her we have been dating for 5 months. When I asked what he likes about me, he said my hair, nice body and a chance of making partner at my firm, at which point, he will not have to work (he has a phd and teaches at college). He is a narcissist. If you don't know about narcissistic behavior google it and read about it. Get out now he will damage your psyche in ways you could never imagine. Trust me. Edited May 12, 2015 by caringsister 1
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