Gaeta Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Why are you still seeing this person and accepting his abuse? 2
lemoncello Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 The craziness continues... we met up yesterday, I suggested go for a walk. He insisted on walking for an hour to wal-mart... fine. He said let's wear hoodie and tennis shoes. when I wanted to wear a sweater underneath my hoodie, he said NO, I must wear a shirt. I said I will be cold without sweater... He said I was being difficult. I wasn't allowed to wear my converse either, must wear nike shoes. He told me not to wear make up, as I was putting some concealer on my under-eye bags. He yelled. When we finally got to walmart and shopped, I wanted to uber home. He said no, we must walk home. When we got home, I was making dinner, gave him 4, 5 options, he said no to all of them and said I was dumb. He finally said "don't make anything, or else I will throw it at your face". We eventually settled on going to a buffet dinner later on. He said lets not eat before hand, but I was very hungry, so I took ONE potato chip and a cracker... he yelled at me again saying I was being difficult. This is not the first time he yelled. He has said **** you, screw you, called me selfish idiot before. But I just assumed it;s the side effects of his medication. He went home after dinner. I have never met anyone like him! Not a friend not a date not a bf. Is this the med or personality?? Was I being difficult? I have lost my sanity. After this most recent experience, do you still want to be with him?
Author mmlee Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 After this most recent experience, do you still want to be with him? I know I shouldn't. But it's hard. I just have a hard time accepting someone who has it so together from the outside (school, work etc.) is so f***ed up in personal relationship.
lemoncello Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I know I shouldn't. But it's hard. I just have a hard time accepting someone who has it so together from the outside (school, work etc.) is so f***ed up in personal relationship. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the more conditioned you become to it to the point where the victim actually will justify the abuser's behavior (as a way to cope with the abuse). Do you live with each other? I can't remember if you posted that you did. If you do, can you move out and live with a friend or family member? Or if you don't live together, change your locks, block his phone number and delete his email address and from your social media. 2
Author mmlee Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the more conditioned you become to it to the point where the victim actually will justify the abuser's behavior (as a way to cope with the abuse). Do you live with each other? I can't remember if you posted that you did. If you do, can you move out and live with a friend or family member? Or if you don't live together, change your locks, block his phone number and delete his email address and from your social media. we don't live together. I feel like I have already been conditioned to think it's all my fault.
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I know I shouldn't. But it's hard. I just have a hard time accepting someone who has it so together from the outside (school, work etc.) is so f***ed up in personal relationship. This is how some get away with it for so long, to everyone else he is good old Doug, but to you he is a nightmare. So you start questioning yourself, why is he being so bad to me, I must deserve it. But the more you try and fix things, and try to fix him, the worse it gets. 1
lemoncello Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 we don't live together. I feel like I have already been conditioned to think it's all my fault. Then that is your red flag to examine why you are in this relationship. That is the first sign that you are a victim of abuse, when you believe the lies that you're told by your abuser, such as "it's your fault I act this way." It's good that you don't live with him. Keep it that way. So, what do you think you'll do at this point with this relationship? 1
SoulCat Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 To answer the question you asked in your thread's title; walk right now. This very second. In fact, RUN!! 3
katiegrl Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Lots of red flags here. One, he's too controlling and then the twin brother that goes with that is he won't let go. Men probably think he's nuts. ***He had your phone, so please be aware that it only takes about 90 seconds for him to have installed a tracking device on it so he can see everything you do, so I'd recommend you dump him, get a new phone and a new number and be clear you don't want to hear from him again***. ^^Absolutely!!! Why else would he want your phone. What boggles the mind is that you actually gave it to him... What were you thinking?
Author mmlee Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 To answer the question you asked in your thread's title; walk right now. This very second. In fact, RUN!! He thinks he is my last chance of getting a normal family and I am ruining it.
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 He thinks he is my last chance of getting a normal family and I am ruining it. RUN. Get out there and prove him wrong. 1
guest569 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 we don't live together. I feel like I have already been conditioned to think it's all my fault. I think you have been conditioned somewhat too, but it isn't your fault. It's his fault for being an idiot. I'm not sure if you're in love with this guy or infatuated, but we can sometimes be blind to certain things because of how we feel about a person. And when he doesn't get his way and throws a tantrum that is his way of conditioning you to accept his way of doing things. For example, I would not have even left the house to go to Walmart after all of those demands. And he can make his own dinner, I would have told him to walk at that point, absolutely. I think you need to be careful with this one, definitely change your phone number - throw away the old chip, put a new password on your door and make sure your friends and family are aware of what you are dealing with. I don't know much about phones and hacking but I would even go so far as changing all your passwords to accounts that your phone may have access too. He thinks he is my last chance of getting a normal family and I am ruining it. If he thinks he is 'normal' well, that says it all doesn't it. He isn't going to change his unacceptable behaviour if he thinks he is normal. He is domineering, controlling and immature. You don't need negativity like that in your day-to-day living! Good riddance to him. 2
Buddhist Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Why are you allowing some guy to very obviously manipulate you? He's not letting go of his exes because they aren't his exes. They are his current gf's and he prides himself on having a lot of them. He doesn't hang around guys because they probably don't like his character or want to be friends with him. They also don't offer him any entertainment in terms of emotionally manipulating people. There's really nothing about this guy to like.
Author mmlee Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 Why are you allowing some guy to very obviously manipulate you? He's not letting go of his exes because they aren't his exes. They are his current gf's and he prides himself on having a lot of them. He doesn't hang around guys because they probably don't like his character or want to be friends with him. They also don't offer him any entertainment in terms of emotionally manipulating people. There's really nothing about this guy to like. I am mostly upset because he thinks me being 33, I have no chance with starting a normal family otherwise (e.g. my reproductive years are numbered). He also thinks girls over 30 has no market or bargaining power in dating or in online dating market (he dates exclusively online). Why is so full of himself? His ex gf just came to visit, stayed in his tiny apt with him, when I got upset, he said I shouldn't be upset. Should I be? And he wouldn't tell her we have been dating for 5 months. When I asked what he likes about me, he said my hair, nice body and a chance of making partner at my firm, at which point, he will not have to work (he has a phd and teaches at college).
Author mmlee Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 I am mostly upset because he thinks me being 33, I have no chance with starting a normal family otherwise (e.g. my reproductive years are numbered). He also thinks girls over 30 has no market or bargaining power in dating or in online dating market (he dates exclusively online). Why is so full of himself? His ex gf just came to visit, stayed in his tiny apt with him, when I got upset, he said I shouldn't be upset. Should I be? And he wouldn't tell her we have been dating for 5 months. When I asked what he likes about me, he said my hair, nice body and a chance of making partner at my firm, at which point, he will not have to work (he has a phd and teaches at college). I just googled... this sounds like narcissistic abuse. 2
walkingonair Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Something I have noticed with a guy I have been dating: 1. No guy friends, only have friends who are girls he has dated or interested in dating him. He actually said he doesn't understand why guys would hang out together at a bar and watch a game together. He constantly talks to his ex, won't let go of them, and visits and have dinner such. I am not that jealous, just find it odd. 2. Snapchatting a random 19 year old. He is 35. 3. Demanded to have my phone as a "trust building exercise" and when I fought to get it back, he said he was going to walk if I didn't give it. So I caved and allowed him to have it for a minute. Without telling him, he emailed copies of my chat history to himself. I didn't find out weeks later, when confronted, didn't appologize. Yeah, I should have walked. Can someone pls knock some sense into me. Thx RUN don't walk.Many female friends is a red flag that he dated all those girls and it didn't turn into anything because he didnt want a relationship. 1
lemoncello Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I am mostly upset because he thinks me being 33, I have no chance with starting a normal family otherwise (e.g. my reproductive years are numbered). He also thinks girls over 30 has no market or bargaining power in dating or in online dating market (he dates exclusively online). Why is so full of himself? His ex gf just came to visit, stayed in his tiny apt with him, when I got upset, he said I shouldn't be upset. Should I be? And he wouldn't tell her we have been dating for 5 months. When I asked what he likes about me, he said my hair, nice body and a chance of making partner at my firm, at which point, he will not have to work (he has a phd and teaches at college). Boy, he sure sounds like a superficial guy if those are the only reasons that he gave you about why he likes you. What about your personality? Does he like your personality? He sure sounds ignorant for a guy who has a PhD and is a college professor. Yikes. He sounds like a real narcissist to me. Really, he's not a great catch based on the way that he treats you; so dismissive of your feelings, almost tyrannical in the way he orders you around "do this," "do that." With all the women around him, it's almost as if you're dating a modern-day version of King Henry the VIII because your boyfriend sounds like an grandiose a******. 4
guest569 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 His ex gf just came to visit, stayed in his tiny apt with him, when I got upset, he said I shouldn't be upset. Should I be? No, you should not be, because this guy is history to you!! Whatever he is doing and saying should no longer be of concern to you. 33 is so young, women these days tend to be having kids into their 30s, 40s and even 50s. I think you can do a lot better than this guy. Don't let him bring you down, you're strong and independent and don't need to be told what to wear or what to eat. Relationships are about love, support and companionship, among other things. If you're not getting those things, what is keeping you with him? 2
joseb Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) The craziness continues... we met up yesterday, I suggested go for a walk. He insisted on walking for an hour to wal-mart... fine. He said let's wear hoodie and tennis shoes. when I wanted to wear a sweater underneath my hoodie, he said NO, I must wear a shirt. I said I will be cold without sweater... He said I was being difficult. I wasn't allowed to wear my converse either, must wear nike shoes. He told me not to wear make up, as I was putting some concealer on my under-eye bags. He yelled. When we finally got to walmart and shopped, I wanted to uber home. He said no, we must walk home. When we got home, I was making dinner, gave him 4, 5 options, he said no to all of them and said I was dumb. He finally said "don't make anything, or else I will throw it at your face". We eventually settled on going to a buffet dinner later on. He said lets not eat before hand, but I was very hungry, so I took ONE potato chip and a cracker... he yelled at me again saying I was being difficult. This is not the first time he yelled. He has said **** you, screw you, called me selfish idiot before. But I just assumed it;s the side effects of his medication. He went home after dinner. I have never met anyone like him! Not a friend not a date not a bf. Is this the med or personality?? Was I being difficult? I have lost my sanity. OK, this is a far worse situation than you originally described in your 3 flags. You are in a very abusive relationship already. The fact that you are questioning your sanity is a big symptom of that. "don't make anything, or else I will throw it at your face" Think about this - do you really think this is a normal thing for anyone to say to anybody? Do you think it's something someone who has any love or respect for you will say? All that controlling what you wear, how you get to the mall - he must already have done a number on you emotionally for you not to see how wrong that is and say no. If that isnt enough, his ex gf is sleeping with him. You are 33, you have your life ahead of you still, so long as you get out now. Don't listen to his b.s. about how you cant do better. This is classic abuser talk. This guy also sounds like he also has the potential for physical abuse. You need to break up with him - today -and you need to do it by text. And you need to have somebody around to make sure he doesn't come over to you and "control" you. Do not see him face to face again. If you do, he will not "let you" leave. He may get violent. Or he will promise to change. But he can't change, thats the way he is. He has a personality disorder. Please leave him asap. Edited May 10, 2015 by joseb 4
No Limit Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 LOL OP, that guy is a seasoned cheater. I find it intriguing that you still waste your time with him; a friend of mine is in a similar situation and will just say "I have everything under control" when I mention the red flags. It's pretty pathetic how she also attempts to play "mind games" when they don't even work on him, and he manages to get her in a rage with just a single text. 1
Author mmlee Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 LOL OP, that guy is a seasoned cheater. I find it intriguing that you still waste your time with him; a friend of mine is in a similar situation and will just say "I have everything under control" when I mention the red flags. It's pretty pathetic how she also attempts to play "mind games" when they don't even work on him, and he manages to get her in a rage with just a single text. Do they ever change? What's the point of chatting with 19 year olds if not for getting some?
Author mmlee Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 LOL OP, that guy is a seasoned cheater. I find it intriguing that you still waste your time with him; a friend of mine is in a similar situation and will just say "I have everything under control" when I mention the red flags. It's pretty pathetic how she also attempts to play "mind games" when they don't even work on him, and he manages to get her in a rage with just a single text. Do they ever change? What's the point of chatting with 19 year olds if not for getting some?
lovexocoach Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 He should have been history a LONG time ago. Why are you delaying ending the relationship? 2
joseb Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Do they ever change? What's the point of chatting with 19 year olds if not for getting some? His cheating is the least of your problems. It's his abuse that is causing you damage on a daily basis without you realising it. 3
Fleur de cactus Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Run !! Get out thie relationship. His is a guy who cannot survive without a female around him That is the reason he keeps his ex around in a case you break up with him. He has a serious personality issue, that is why he does not have male friends. He is controling you , devalues you by calling you names so that you think you are bad. He is trying to brainwash you. Why do you stay with him ? Run fast ! I like the fact that you dont live together . Very smart of you. 3
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