guest569 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Hope this is the right section.. I finally had my first time sex this year and it was a regular thing with a friend for about a month. We did 'dates' as friends and had lots of sex, communicating fairly regularly. Then he went distant with no explanation and I feel hurt, used and rejected. I tried talking about it but he won't really give me a clear answer, I just wanted to know why it stopped. All he says is that he enjoyed it, there was nothing wrong, and he would do it again if I want to (doesn't really sound that keen). But won't give any indication of what the deal is and where I stand. I assume that the other women are taking up his time and I've been pushed down on the list as he lost interest. Which is why he can't just flat out tell me to go away. Which I guess I need to hear! Just a yes or no. I feel so confused. I wouldn't say I regret it, I'm glad I got it over with and it was great sex. But I just didn't expect it to suddenly end and to feel this badly. Being my first time I guess I didn't know what I was getting into and maybe should have had further discussion beforehand.. Although it wasn't a relationship, it feels like a breakup. I don't have feelings for him, I like him a lot as a friend, but it's the rejection side of things and wondering what is wrong with me. I don't even know what I am asking here, just want some support and how do I get over constant rejections? How do I get some self esteem back? I've always had no self esteem and I don't know why.
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Hope this is the right section.. I finally had my first time sex this year and it was a regular thing with a friend for about a month. We did 'dates' as friends and had lots of sex, communicating fairly regularly. Then he went distant with no explanation and I feel hurt, used and rejected. I tried talking about it but he won't really give me a clear answer, I just wanted to know why it stopped. All he says is that he enjoyed it, there was nothing wrong, and he would do it again if I want to (doesn't really sound that keen). But won't give any indication of what the deal is and where I stand. I assume that the other women are taking up his time and I've been pushed down on the list as he lost interest. Which is why he can't just flat out tell me to go away. Which I guess I need to hear! Just a yes or no. I feel so confused. I wouldn't say I regret it, I'm glad I got it over with and it was great sex. But I just didn't expect it to suddenly end and to feel this badly. Being my first time I guess I didn't know what I was getting into and maybe should have had further discussion beforehand.. Although it wasn't a relationship, it feels like a breakup. I don't have feelings for him, I like him a lot as a friend, but it's the rejection side of things and wondering what is wrong with me. I don't even know what I am asking here, just want some support and how do I get over constant rejections? How do I get some self esteem back? I've always had no self esteem and I don't know why. It'd be a little different for me in that situation because I wouldn't feel rejected. The woman thought I was attractive enough to have sex with me. That is huge because dozens upon dozens of women reject me far before that step. I'm not sure what to say except it happens, and this is what rejection is like. I feel your pain, and everybody should relate to women and men being rejected as something that sucks and not something that makes you out to be a 'pussy' or 'bitter' if you complain about it. The only advice I have is "Time heals all wounds." 1
Methodical Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Although this was a friendship not a relationship, you got emotionally invested and that's why this feels like a breakup. To a degree, it is. Maybe he sensed you were getting attached and rather than just tell you he's not interested beyond FWB, he bolted assuming that would spare your feelings. That's not the way a "friend" should treat someone, and at the level of intimacy your friendship had taken on, he should really just be honest and tell you why he cut the benefits so you have some form of closure. 1
Author guest569 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 It'd be a little different for me in that situation because I wouldn't feel rejected. The woman thought I was attractive enough to have sex with me. Hey, thanks for your response. I see what you mean, but I guess it had the equal and opposite effect when he decided to go away. Although some on here claim that they would sleep with anything no matter how unattractive, he was willing to have sex with me quite a few times so it mustn't have been too bad. I'm definitely not bitter, yet. Just hurt and saddened. I will most likely always look on these things as an issue with me rather than other people, although I think 'it happens' is really all there is to it. I have a lot of reasons to feel confident and proud, but I rarely do.
Author guest569 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Although this was a friendship not a relationship, you got emotionally invested and that's why this feels like a breakup. To a degree, it is. Maybe he sensed you were getting attached and rather than just tell you he's not interested beyond FWB, he bolted assuming that would spare your feelings. That's not the way a "friend" should treat someone, and at the level of intimacy your friendship had taken on, he should really just be honest and tell you why he cut the benefits so you have some form of closure. This all sounds about right. I don't get why people think that bolting and being evasive is going to be less hurtful. I do feel like he owes it to me to just be honest about it, he was very honest and open at the beginning. But: He is giving you just enough to keep you around, something I have done myself often enough. Like you said, his attention is on other women, but as a man, it is not wise to burn bridges with any women willing to have sex with us. If he gets bored with the other women, or things just don't work out with them, it is nice for him to know that he can always call you for a sure thing. I don't think I will get a straight answer from him for this reason, I guess I should just delete his number. If he refuses to burn the bridge then I will have to.
spiderowl Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 As long as he thinks he's in control and has a choice about whether he sleeps with you or not, he can be as vague as he likes. You need to take that power away and disappear from his orbit (and life). He might just have lost interest and spotted someone else he fancies or it could be he is just taking you for granted. I would say def move on either way, for yourself, but removing yourself from his sphere of influence also indicates to him that you are taking your power back. If this guy wants to be with you again, he should really have to earn it. Quite frankly though, he's not worth it. Grieve over it, put it down to experience and move on to a better relationship. Guys really don't value what they can get easily from the start, however ridiculous it is that they should assign value in that way. 1
Author guest569 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 This should go in FWB. I was deciding between sex, breakup and dating.. shows how confused I am As long as he thinks he's in control and has a choice about whether he sleeps with you or not, he can be as vague as he likes. You need to take that power away and disappear from his orbit (and life). You're exactly right. I no longer have his number, good riddance. I highly doubt I will hear from him again. Some friendship. Tidied up my contacts list while I was there, it's therapeutic.. I don't need people like that.
Author guest569 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 How often have you actually gotten a straight answer out of someone you were dating when things weren't going well? It's easier to deflect and avoid than be straight up and honest. In his place, I would be doing pretty much the same thing he is doing. Single guys like to have women we can call when we want company. It's cool if you are happy with that situation, but if you are not, you know what to do. I've actually been pretty lucky in getting honest responses out of previous guys. I think the fact his communication has dropped off is a clear 'no, go away.' but I am too daft to realise. There's not much remaining of the bridge to burn.. So there's nothing to be cool with anymore.
Bobbi7 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I never understood why people go with the silent treatment in these situations. They're already exchanging bodily fluids, but the other half can't come forward and be honest??? Makes no sense. I had a causal relationship with a guy for 2 years-for the most part we got along great. Then he went cold on me. No explanation. Geez... 1
Author guest569 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 I never understood why people go with the silent treatment in these situations. They're already exchanging bodily fluids, but the other half can't come forward and be honest??? Makes no sense. I had a causal relationship with a guy for 2 years-for the most part we got along great. Then he went cold on me. No explanation. Geez... I think it's lazy and gutless to just fade away, especially because I am specifically asking him and he won't answer. I think I am worthy of an explanation. After 2 years, that is pretty rough.
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