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Dumped for Someone Else, and has only texted me on rare occassions

vhfwUnchained

By vhfwUnchained
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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vhfwUnchained New Member

vhfwUnchained

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hey guys,

 

So I could really use your help with this one....

 

My ex girlfriend of 4 years was in a long distance relationship with me for six months (I moved across the country for a really great job) while she finished school back home. The distance was really hard on both of us, but she told me she wanted to move out here with me after school, so I knew there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel. I had visited for two weeks during the holidays and things seemed just fine. We had been together since Junior year of high-school, so I know we are both young. I am 22 and she is 20. I told her I had plans to marry her that trip (as she had hinted at it quite a few times) and I even got her dad's blessing on it while I was out there. I noticed that she was texting a "friend" from school, and she talked about him to me a lot during the Fall semester, so I gave her the opportunity to fess up and tell me if she wanted to end things amicably. She cried, gave me a giant hug and told me she could never picture herself with anyone else. I believed it.

 

When I left to go back to work, she sent me a wonderful letter about how she could not wait to start her life with me and I told her I would be here when she was ready. Two weeks later she told me she had feelings for this other guy, and hemmed and hawed about who to pick like it was even an option. She told me she wanted to break up in February so we did. She told me she was going to take things slow, but obviously lied considering she jumped right into that relationship, and is still in it now. I was left to pick up the pieces...

 

In March, I sent her a text that her cell phone plan would end in thirty days. I made it very polite and professional, and I thanked her for the time she spent with me. I never received a reply. We had a large shooting near where I work that made national news, in which she texted me to check in and see how I was doing. I ignored that text, considering she never replied to mine. Thirty days later when the plan ended, she sent me a horrible, scathing email in which the only reason to send it was because she somehow never saw my text. So I replied, again very polite and professionally. I sent her a screenshot of the text and I apologized for anything that made her feel I was being immature about everything. Again I never received a reply.

 

THEN we had a national news story near where I work, and she texted me a SECOND time to "check in" and make sure I was safe. She acted like nothing ever happened, and I never replied

 

SO here's where I need your help. I've tried to move on. I cut contact, got the help of friends, worked out a lot, and made myself someone I can be confident in. I don't feel like I'm a loser anymore. But I still think about her every day. It's been 4 months, and she was my first love, so I find it very hard to let go. Why is she contacting me? And should I respond? It seems like she is doing just fine with this new guy, and only texted me when the news reminded her I existed. I am so lost right now and it still hurts to tears sometimes. I don't know why she keeps trying to reach out to me when she clearly likes this other guy. It's torture. I know there were times I wasn't the best boyfriend, but she knows how much I loved her. I know in my heart I treated her well as I could have. She told me I was an amazing person when we broke up and she is scared she might be making a mistake but "has to try". I put so much into this relationship just to have it thrown away, I don't know if it's worth trying again. If anyone has any advice on which direction to go I would greatly appreciate it...I just want to make the right decision and come out of this the best man I can be.

 

I have read a lot of posts on here when this all first happened to me, and it was huge help. I can't say how much I appreciate it. Thank you for reading!

Edited by vhfwUnchained
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dave_1966 Member

dave_1966

Posted
Posted

You're acting like a gentleman, which is commendable. However, you need to look after up yourself now and not her. I would suggest the following:

 

1. Go complete no contact from right now.

2. Watch some Corey Wayne videos on YouTube.

3. Read the following and act on it: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/

 

You're both really young, you'll have more heartbreak over the years. This is just part of the learning process to find out what you need in a relationship, and someone who thinks you'll still be interested after they explain the choices they have needs to grow up to be fair.

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Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted
If anyone has any advice on which direction to go I would greatly appreciate it...I just want to make the right decision and come out of this the best man I can be.

It's not clear what "direction" you are considering.

 

You say that you "treated her as well as you could have" -- but that does not mean anything at all. If your best was crappy, then it was just crappy. For your future -- ALL of your future -- romance, friendship, job, parenthood, whatever is in store -- you need to raise your bar so that your best is WAY better than can be perceived as just some version of the quality of 'crappy'.

 

"Crappy" deserves, of it's own self, qualities, activities and free will decisions, to be thrown away, rejected, discarded. Why not? Why put up with, why tolerate 'crappy'? Why expect others to tolerate it? Just because WE can't or won't give something better?

 

In general, it ought be noted that there are no "right" decisions...only ones that work to get you closer to living your own life purpose -- the activities in life that will make you happiest and will support happiness, in general, for others -- or will not work to those ends.

 

With what you wrote, it is only that your option for a "direction" is towards the rest of your life. Without her. These days, few and far between do we end up marrying and 'dying' with our "first love". It is not a reason to give up on anything; only our opportunity to grow or give more and better.

Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

If anyone has any advice on which direction to go I would greatly appreciate it...I just want to make the right decision and come out of this the best man I can be.

 

I have read a lot of posts on here when this all first happened to me, and it was huge help. I can't say how much I appreciate it. Thank you for reading!

 

You are clearly a very nice person with good personal ethics.

 

You will definitely love and be loved again.

 

Four months still qualifies as being in the acute breakup recovery stage.

 

Its hard, and there's no way around that.

 

Invest in yourself. Be the best you can be. For yourself.

 

No contact is an option, not a must, but you should consider it, at least.

 

*********************************************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

**********************************************************

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

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vhfwUnchained New Member

vhfwUnchained

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Dave, thank you so much for replying to me. That breakup guide was amazing. Even the ability to search for others who went through the same thing was of great value. I wish I had seen that in the very beginning. Would have saved me months of research and pain. Everyone who has gone through this should read through that site. Make a sticky post or something!

 

Ronni, I really appreciate the tough love and honesty, and maybe it was me not giving enough detail or being clear. I'm not sure what struck you as me being a crappy boyfriend. I did a lot for the person I thought I loved. Not just spending lots of money over time. I was there during large transitions in her life including helping her get into college early and helping her through an eating disorder. I helped her family a ton and I was there for plenty of her successes as well. Many of our mutual friends thought I was a great boyfriend to her, and she even told me she thought I was amazing. Of course I'm not saying I was perfect, but the skills I lacked came from dealing with long distance and how to stay connected. So maybe that was my downfall. I'd only moved six months prior, and she was there with me for three of them. By "direction", I was only asking if I should reply to her attempts to contact me or not? According to Dave's guide, I should only reply to a very obvious attempt to reconcile. Thanks again for talking me through this stuff.

 

Satu, thank you as well for the no contact advice. It is appreciated as well!

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted

vhfwUnchained,

Thanks for your understanding and for giving me the benefit of the doubt.

It came across that way, but I was not actually saying that you had been a 'crappy' boyfriend -- and, with your added detail, which I appreciate you taking the time to provide, clearly you were indeed a very thoughtful and loving partner.

 

My response was a more general observation, and came from dealing with people who use "I did my best/am doing my best" as an excuse to not do better...especially when their "best" is really very poor. This is obviously not your tendency.

 

Your decision to only reply to her obvious gesture for reconciliation will, of course, help you to not get sucked into falling for 'breadcrumbs' or other means of emotionally manipulating you. Yet...I would encourage you to also start banishing from your mind any ideas about any potential reconciliation. That way, you will eventually be free from any and all "pull" that she still has on your heart. If that makes sense?

 

I know it's difficult; and I wish you the best.

Thanks, again, for your compassion.

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