How many dates before it's no longer considered "casually dating"?

[Redemption04]

This is something I frequently wonder about...Especially as I'm seeing a guy.

In your opinion, how many dates can you go on/times can you go out with a person before it's no longer considered "casually dating" them? And you're just kind of expected to not see other people?

Edited May 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added poll

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Well, for me, it's not necessarily dependent on the number of dates I have gone out on with a guy as much as it is when we BOTH discuss the subject of exclusivity between us. That being said, it would have to be at least a month or a little bit longer before I would consider a serious discussion about exclusivity. I'd need to date him long enough to get to know him as a person to know if I'd want to exclusively date him and no one else.

 

How long have you and this guy been dating? And is the subject of exclusivity a MUTUAL feeling for BOTH of you? Or is it just you that is tossing this idea around in your mind?

 

 

.

[Revan32]

Well, for me, it's not necessarily dependent on the number of dates I have gone out on with a guy as much as it is when we BOTH discuss the subject of exclusivity between us.

.

 

I agree with this. I've been dating a girl for over a year and she has not once brought up exclusivity or getting serious. So I just keep on dating other girls. I'm pretty positive she see's other guys as well.

 

I don't think there should be any real time set for it. If a pair of people are really into each other, from my experience you just kinda automatically lose interest in dating others. When that happens then its not "casual".

[Redemption04]

How long have you and this guy been dating? And is the subject of exclusivity a MUTUAL feeling for BOTH of you? Or is it just you that is tossing this idea around in your mind?

.

 

We've been dating since Saint Patrick's Day. We've never discussed exclusivity, it's more something I'm tossing around in my mind--I know people like to make assumptions and jump to conclusions, so I don't really want him to be SHOCKED and enraged if he ran into me on a date with another guy. I don't want him to be thinking, "We've been seeing each other for a couple months...How DARE she be going out with other guys?!"

 

We're both still active on tinder (I know...because I just looked and he was active like last night).

 

He's met my family (not my choice). He's asked if I want to meet his family.

[RoseVille]

We've been dating since Saint Patrick's Day. We've never discussed exclusivity, it's more something I'm tossing around in my mind--I know people like to make assumptions and jump to conclusions, so I don't really want him to be SHOCKED and enraged if he ran into me on a date with another guy. I don't want him to be thinking, "We've been seeing each other for a couple months...How DARE she be going out with other guys?!"

 

We're both still active on tinder (I know...because I just looked and he was active like last night).

 

He's met my family (not my choice). He's asked if I want to meet his family.

 

He doesn't think it's casual.

 

And he's probably checking Tinder to see if you're on there.

[carhill]

In your opinion, how many dates can you go on/times can you go out with a person before it's no longer considered "casually dating" them? And you're just kind of expected to not see other people?

 

Back when I was dating, it was generally 'serious' after 2-3 of weeks of seeing each other a couple times a week. It was generally at that point we discussed dating exclusively. I always dated exclusively after early multi-dating experiences didn't set well with my style but, generally, the women of my generation/demographic dated multiple men and I was used to that and a more casual sexual attitude than I had. Hence, I'd bring up exclusivity after 2-3 weeks and sometimes that meant we continued on and sometimes that ended our association.

[strawberryjelly]

I think that what I think doesn't really matter. Everyone has different views. So it's important to talk about. One person may see something as a date, while the other person sees it as just having coffee with someone. I have a particular family member in mind who often sees multiple people and sees nothing wrong with it, because in their mind, "it's just coffee" and it's noncommittal.

[Art_Critic]

When I was dating/single I no longer considered it casual as soon as we shared bodily fluids via sexy time, I was never the type for FWB...

 

I also considered it a monogamous relationship at that point also, even if she didn't as it was a lot to expect someone to view things the same way as me without having "the talk"

 

Once the talk had happened though all was on and it was OFFICIALLY no longer considered a casual relationship and was monogamous working towards committed.

[Redemption04]

He doesn't think it's casual.

 

I have some mixed feelings about how he views it though.

For example: He got tested because of me, last week (I think that should be more of an investment in his own health then something done for someone else ).

I got kinda pissed with him the other night while we were texting, and so just decided to go cool off and be alone, by not texting him. He got so panicked about it, he CALLED me an hour later on his lunch break at work, to explain. I wasn't even that upset. However, not once during the phone call, did he say something like "I care about you". He has never once flat out said he likes me. EVER. I would assume it's just kind of implied but it's never directly stated.

 

But then yesterday, I heard NOTHING from him. All day long. I assumed he was at work. Then last night he texts me and is like, "What are you doing? I'm at ___ bar. With my sister and her boyfriend. You should come." I did, for a little while, he was pretty drunk, and very hands on (EVEN IN FRONT OF HIS SISTER--he's never been like this before), to the point where he needed a ride home. At which point he announces he's been off work, all day. It was his day off. And I'm like..Yet...You didn't even text me hello? Okayyyyy. As we were pulling into his driveway he blurts out though, "I missed you."

 

So I just feel like there's a ton of mixed signals on how he views it.

[d0nnivain]

Exclusivity &/or serious relationships occur when the people involved discuss those things & agree to certain parameters. Until an agreement is mutually reached it's casual.

 

If you are getting mixed signals, you need to talk to him to clarify.

[Leigh 87]

I have some mixed feelings about how he views it though.

For example: He got tested because of me, last week (I think that should be more of an investment in his own health then something done for someone else ).

I got kinda pissed with him the other night while we were texting, and so just decided to go cool off and be alone, by not texting him. He got so panicked about it, he CALLED me an hour later on his lunch break at work, to explain. I wasn't even that upset. However, not once during the phone call, did he say something like "I care about you". He has never once flat out said he likes me. EVER. I would assume it's just kind of implied but it's never directly stated.

 

But then yesterday, I heard NOTHING from him. All day long. I assumed he was at work. Then last night he texts me and is like, "What are you doing? I'm at ___ bar. With my sister and her boyfriend. You should come." I did, for a little while, he was pretty drunk, and very hands on (EVEN IN FRONT OF HIS SISTER--he's never been like this before), to the point where he needed a ride home. At which point he announces he's been off work, all day. It was his day off. And I'm like..Yet...You didn't even text me hello? Okayyyyy. As we were pulling into his driveway he blurts out though, "I missed you."

 

So I just feel like there's a ton of mixed signals on how he views it.

 

 

 

It depends on the kind of chemistry you want and have.

 

If you guys have mediocre chemistry and lust and " in love " feelfeelings( this isn't true love just limerence), then it's very normal for a man to go a day without contact. These men are not infatuated with you so you're not on their mind constantly. Most relationships are like this so congratulations, it looks like you have a normal healthy relationship. He thinks of you enought to invite you put and include you on his planS, but he's not totally enamoured with you either.

 

If like me, you tend to date men who you have intense chemistry with, they tend to think about you constantl. Those men always texted me good morning or they would at least test me during the day to tell me I was on their mind.

 

What you're experiencing is very normal. Most relationships play out like tlike. Many go on to be long and lasting.

 

Personally, I prefer to select men where I'm on their mind a lot and they cannot help make make it blatant that they are smitten.

[Leigh 87]

We've been dating since Saint Patrick's Day. We've never discussed exclusivity, it's more something I'm tossing around in my mind--I know people like to make assumptions and jump to conclusions, so I don't really want him to be SHOCKED and enraged if he ran into me on a date with another guy. I don't want him to be thinking, "We've been seeing each other for a couple months...How DARE she be going out with other guys?!"

 

We're both still active on tinder (I know...because I just looked and he was active like last night).

 

He's met my family (not my choice). He's asked if I want to meet his family.

 

If a guys really into you, they tend to ask you if you're seeing other guys.

 

The men who were into me asked me early on, when I told then i was going out to a bar with friends, " look I need to ask you...are you going on a date? Because I'm thinking about you a lot and if prefer it if we focussed on just seeing how we hit it off for the time beING"

[mammasita]

Never make assumptions. Ask/tell/discuss/communicate. There's not a set number.

[Redemption04]

If you are getting mixed signals, you need to talk to him to clarify.

 

I WOULD, but at the same time, there are two problems with that:

(1) I don't believe women should EVER initiate the "define the relationship" CONVERSATION. I really don't. I think that if a guy can't get around to it himself, he must not really want it. Best not to push it.

(2) I still want to see other guys.

 

I mostly just want to subtly figure it out.

 

One hint I was given if it matters to anyone: Last week, when he got tested, he told me quote he "would never have multiple partners at the same time." So that indicates sexual exclusivity right?

[d0nnivain]

If you still want to see other guys, it doesn't really matter if he wants an exclusive relationship. You are also probably getting mixed signals because you are giving them off.

[elaine567]

The feeling I get is that he wants exclusivity and a "proper" relationship with you, and you don't.

So stop using him, tell him this is just a FWB/casual sex relationship for you, and he can either accept that or he move on to someone who does want exclusivity and a "proper" relationship.

You could hurt him badly here, so put your cards on the table and tell him exactly where he stands.

 

Number of dates and casual sex doesn't really equate, a couple can have casual sex for 20+ years together.

Casual just means there is no deep emotional commitment, and no chance of the relationship progressing to living together or marriage - the sex is the most important thing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It depends. I never really discuss exclusivity.

 

Usually if you see each other few times a week, talk every day and nobody said that they are after "casual" you are exclusive. Whenever a guy wants casual it's super obvious. Biggest sign is few days between contact (or even more than a day)...and low frequency of seeing each other (once a week or less).

[katiegrl]

It depends.

 

**I never really discuss exclusivity. **

 

Usually if you see each other few times a week, talk every day and nobody said that they are after "casual" you are exclusive. Whenever a guy wants casual it's super obvious. Biggest sign is few days between contact (or even more than a day)...and low frequency of seeing each other (once a week or less).

 

Same with me. IMO if you feel the need to discuss exclusivity, the most likely answer is he doesn't wish to be.

 

When a man wants exclusivity, you will know...via his ACTIONS.

[Vintage79]

I've dated 4-5 women for 1 year plus (max of 8), and I've never had an exclusivity talk, yet I know that all of them were exclusive. It's not hard to tell if it's exclusive - conversations are about "we", not "me", you see each other multiple times/week, you prioritize time with each other, it's comfortable, responses to calls/texts are pretty quick, you've met their friends/family, they're actively trying to show you their life, and get to know you and appreciate your interests, etc.

 

In my view, the conversation simply wreaks of lack of confidence, and suggests that you have doubts about the relationship (i.e. degrades the overall level of trust).

 

I get why some people want these conversations, but it's usually because they've had a bad experience and want to try to prevent it from happening again (i.e. they've been cheated on, or feel that they have been - getting someone to say they're exclusive, though, doesn't prevent that from happening), and the population on LS is highly enriched in these people (most wouldn't be here if everything in their relationship(s) were wonderful and without problems), so you get a larger fraction of the responses saying that such a talk is critical than what you'd see in the wild.

[Redemption04]

When a man wants exclusivity, you will know...via his ACTIONS.

 

There's a lot of people's remarks in this thread that I want to quote here but this one sticks out to me most.

 

 

I don't know that I get anything but mixed via his actions. I kind of asked him how tinder was going like a week ago, and found out..He hasn't been on any other tinder dates since we met. But I don't think it's from lack of trying. I've been on one since we met, but it's not from lack of wanting to, either--We live in a really small town, with not a lot of 20 somethings, and there's not much to choose from.

 

My grandmother died--He brought my mom (her daughter) flowers. I was speechless.

 

He contacted me yesterday and texted off and on all day, and invited me to come meet his family (they were all together--even the out of town siblings) for mother's day. I couldn't (I was just getting off work).

 

 

Weird moment that I don't really know if it relates to anything or more or less reflects on his sex drive: We were watching a movie, and messing around, and he was touching me (TMI I know), and he was literally watching the MOVIE, while he touched me. I don't know why that irritates me so much, but it does. AM I that boring that I CAN'T even have your undivided attention while your hand is in my pants? Really?

Also out of all the times we've fooled around like that..I feel like I've always had to be the one to initiate it. And out of all the times he's touched me, I've only got to "see" him do it to himself/do it to him twice. When I make a comment about it, he's like "Oh I'll take care of it later". These things frustrate me. He's 25 years old. He's in great shape physically and goes to the gym frequently--his testosterone levels should be the highest now they will be in his entire LIFE.

 

 

Does anyone else understand why I'm getting mixed signals?

Edited May 11, 2015 by Redemption04

[Rejected Rosebud]

If like me, you tend to date men who you have intense chemistry with, they tend to think about you constantl. Those men always texted me good morning or they would at least test me during the day to tell me I was on their mind.

 

What you're experiencing is very normal. Most relationships play out like tlike. Many go on to be long and lasting.

 

Personally, I prefer to select men where I'm on their mind a lot and they cannot help make make it blatant that they are smitten.

Leigh you don't have any experiences with a long term relationship why are you talking about what most of them are like?? And personally I don't think that those guys who act like they are so into a girl really are necessarily - being all over her is a pretty good way to get in her pants and then where are all those guys who were so "smitten" as you love to say? Sending a text means NOTHING but it is a good way to keep somebody on the line. Believe me I have been there. Where'd that guy go? Someplace else acting smitten with some other girl until he's tired of her then poof!!

 

OP honest, not every guy is going to express himself the same way, some people are more reserved, some people are not into mindless texting, but I think you can judge your relationship yourself and if you feel doubtful, talk about it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I've dated 4-5 women for 1 year plus (max of 8), and I've never had an exclusivity talk, yet I know that all of them were exclusive. It's not hard to tell if it's exclusive - conversations are about "we", not "me", you see each other multiple times/week, you prioritize time with each other, it's comfortable, responses to calls/texts are pretty quick, you've met their friends/family, they're actively trying to show you their life, and get to know you and appreciate your interests, etc.

 

In my view, the conversation simply wreaks of lack of confidence, and suggests that you have doubts about the relationship (i.e. degrades the overall level of trust).

 

I get why some people want these conversations, but it's usually because they've had a bad experience and want to try to prevent it from happening again (i.e. they've been cheated on, or feel that they have been - getting someone to say they're exclusive, though, doesn't prevent that from happening), and the population on LS is highly enriched in these people (most wouldn't be here if everything in their relationship(s) were wonderful and without problems), so you get a larger fraction of the responses saying that such a talk is critical than what you'd see in the wild.

 

No, you just know these women are into you...and honestly, you probably don't care at the end of the day of whether they stay or go.