He needs time on his own to process his feelings

[fonoma]

I've been dating a wonderful, caring man for 9 months but who is still processing feelings of his very recent divorce. He is now 30 and I'm 24. When we met through our social group and started dating out of the blue we went into things very head-first and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. When we got serious a month or two in he told me he couldn't be 100% with me emotionally because of what he was going through, but he never acted that way– I thought, if this guy was less than 100% now, he must be amazing when he gets through dealing with his grief! He has been nothing but communicative and patient with letting me know what's on his mind and talking through issues together, and he taught me how to communicate period.

 

He was freshly separated from a 2 year marriage, a 7 year total together. The divorce was finalized after we had been dating for 3-4 months but nothing remarkable had changed initially. I was naive and inexperienced and knew and still believe I would have lived with regret wondering what could have been if I didn't pursue what we had going.

 

Over time we discovered similar passions, found we enjoyed doing nearly everything together, and found support in one another. To this day we better each other and push each other to grow as individuals and love going on adventures with each other and having deep conversations and for the first time I'm discovering this beauty that relationships are capable of.

 

Two months ago we went on a week long vacation to a foreign country with his two siblings and their spouses and we all had an amazing time. However, after we got back to reality, he started pulling away slightly, saying he had moments where he saw something long term in us, but was in no way ready to jump into that again. His failed marriage (she wanted it) scared him and even though he knows he wants to remarry some day and have a family, he also wants to know that he can be ok being alone too. I understood but was still anxious and distraught. I feel that I could use to learn that lesson myself, but I'm not willing to throw away someone with potential and so much capacity to love (if only timing were different...)

 

My anxious-attachment fears ignited and I got needy and terrified. He has other anxieties of his own as well as his own dealings with loss and was understanding and helpful and encouraged me to try counseling, mindfulness, and meditation like he had been doing and found helpful, which I am starting to do now as well. He didn't want to break things off yet, hoping that he could find a way to deal with his feelings while staying together, even if it meant we saw each other less and he had more space. It took me a while to feel ok and understand his perspective and I am starting to realize how badly I needed it too, to grow as an individual once more.

 

We again had another amazing week-long vacation that we came back from yesterday. Both of us had a great time together and he told me on our last day how badly he felt for putting me through this and how he wished he could appreciate and recognize what I had to offer more. He told me after the trip that he still experienced some pangs of sadness over his loss, which I understand he will still have until he has the time to let go.

 

We talked a lot last night and this morning and both teared up a lot. He recognizes that he will need time to be on his own if we are to progress our relationship, and I agree. I just wish there were a guarantee that it'd work out in the end. He said if it was meant to be that we would work out after he has the time to heal but I'm worried that he will have used me as his transitional relationship and fail to see a future in me once he's healed and will find another woman who will benefit from the work he put in. He even mentioned that while his focus of time alone is to actually work through being single (he's hardly been single in his life since middle school), he also had thoughts about wanting to date other people occasionally. This hurt more than anything recently.

 

He wants to continue staying together just a bit longer since we have one last trip that I had been looking forward to since before our first trip planned 6 weeks from now, but I can't bear to keep waiting around knowing what is inevitable, and getting my hopes up on another pleasant trip. I am basically preparing myself right now to let him go and for us to do what we need to do to heal and grow, but it's so hard. I am very uninterested in dating anyone else for a while and welcome the opportunity to work on loving myself and being ok being single, since I was almost always single my whole life but not ok or confident about it, but I don't want to lose him forever. It makes me insecure again to hear he's thought about seeing other people, though he said he feels the same about me being with other guys.

 

Our time together on vacation made me feel like the luckiest girl and I thought there was hope we'd be able to stay together while working through our issues. I'd have an even harder time getting over him knowing that he will make someone else feel even luckier.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Has it worked out for the two of you in the end? I'm still finding the courage to cut it off completely, especially since I was very badly looking forward to this trip together

[erklat]

'Processing feelings' in the breakup dictionary means there is someone else in the picture.

On top of that he's emotionally unavailable. I know because I'm too.

 

If you take that path you'll get fwb at the very best.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're going through this. I can imagine it's very painful.

 

For your own well-being, do not go on this trip together. He's laid his cards on the table and told you he isn't ready for a commitment. Heck, he's even told you he would like to date around more. Believe him.

 

I would break up with him, hard as it's going to be. It's very unfair to you for him to have suggested continuing to see each other. Expect that the trip will be fine but the reality waiting for you when you get back is going to be that much more difficult to accept. Let him go.

[fonoma]

'Processing feelings' in the breakup dictionary means there is someone else in the picture.

On top of that he's emotionally unavailable. I know because I'm too.

 

If you take that path you'll get fwb at the very best.

 

I understand he still has feelings for his ex-wife, but both individually already threw out the idea of reconciling. What makes you think this was the case? I never had reason to believe he was emotionally or physically cheating on me, especially as his ex had done it to him.

[badpenny]

I read it slightly differently...

 

He's a Commitment-phobe due to his recent experience, and is much happier keeping you at arm's length.

 

You are a rebound, and even though he thinks the world of you, it's his world, and it's not enough.

 

If you're having sex with him, stop, now.

Do not have anything further to do with any sexual contact.

 

If he keeps telling you, advising you, warning you, that you and he cannot be an item, any time soon, then yes, the FWB bit is spot-on.

 

Yo don't want to be that girl.

 

If friendship - even if it's 'close' - is all he can offer, then by all means, be a "platonic" buddy to him.

If that's not enough for you then back off, and pack this in, before he strings you along even further.

 

But either way, if sex is involved, that needs to be stopped.

[erklat]

I never said he was cheating on you. I said he can't get attached because of his emotional

trauma.

[Esraem]

'Processing feelings' in the breakup dictionary means there is someone else in the picture.

On top of that he's emotionally unavailable. I know because I'm too.

 

If you take that path you'll get fwb at the very best.

 

I think the "someone else in the picture" made her think affair. I thought the same thing, but now I know you mean how he isnt over his marriage yet.

[fonoma]

I think the "someone else in the picture" made her think affair. I thought the same thing, but now I know you mean how he isnt over his marriage yet.

 

Sorry, yes I see that now too.

 

I know I'll be ok but it's hard to just pull the trigger. Especially after the good times we had no more than 48 hours ago.

[Ronni_W]

fonoma,

Do you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you are a great catch and this man would be an idiot to either not see that or to let it go?

 

I was in his position -- ending an 8-year marriage AND, concurrently, starting a new relationship. (Additionally, I was still living with -- but completely separately from -- my ex-husband AND our divorce was not yet finalized.)

My doubts were NOT that I still had feelings for my ex-husband. It just is the feelings and thoughts of people whose so-called "dreams of ever-after" are coming to an end, which is the case for your b/f. It's not about you, and it's not about you-and-him-together-as-a-couple. It's only about his past stuff; his stuff that is passed.

 

My then-new b/f (who, at that time, was in YOUR position)...I really don't know how he did it. I think it just took a LOT of confidence and a HUGE heart full of self-love, self-confidence, self-respect, and compassion, understanding and love on his part.

How we ended up managing to get through it, is that HE allowed me to sort of carry on "two lives" -- kind of schizo but not really like that -- where, on one track I was doing my healing and "figuring out my thoughts and feelings" and, on the other, I was totally committed to my new relationship. HE had the wisdom and maturity to realize that what I needed to do on the one track had nothing to do with us, on the other.

 

Now. We were both older (around 40), and he had been through his own divorce years earlier. I don't know if his own experience helped him to be so wise and so mature and so loving. Maybe it did. By which I mean, maybe, in your case given your own...er...not-so-much life experience (not meant in an unkind way; just the fact of the matter)... maybe that will prove a strike against.

 

But. In the end. We were able to figure it out; and went on to have a very long and happy and healthy relationship. It eventually ended, but ONLY because of the two of us. NOTHING to do with how/when we started our relationship or my ex.

 

With all that said. Yes, it will be more difficult for you because of the GENERAL sense of loss of self-identity and loss of self-confidence that your b/f is experiencing -- and will for some time experience -- just because that is the nature of divorce. That is, you're not going through it -- and you don't have experience of going through it -- but you will still be called upon to understand the process, and support someone who is going through it. That ain't so easy.

 

Your b/f, naturally, will be afraid when he feels that he's getting emotionally closer with and more attached to you. His memory of what he has to lose, what he can lose if he allows himself to "get lost" in his feelings for some lovely lady (YOU!), is just too fresh. It's understandable.

 

You can offer to him that you get it. You can offer to him that you're willing to let him figure out that, while his fear is valid on some level, it is kind of "silly" on another. (You can say that someone who has been through it, said so .)

Offer to him that, while you do get it, your are NOT going to go on some wild and crazy emotional ride with him, if he is not willing to keep his own good sense and wise counsel. Tell him that you ARE strong and self-confident enough to give him whatever space he needs...but, if he needs or wants or takes too much (space, time, energy), then he cannot also expect you to be there when he finally figures out how wonderful and loving and just plain awesome YOU are.

 

Tell him that you know your own worth and your own value. And, he either does or does not see and know it NOW.

 

And, fonoma, if he ends up being too afraid to follow his own heart (which seems to be leading him in YOUR direction), then PLEASE know that it says nothing about you. It really only proves that divorce really does suck.

 

It is up to YOUR own wisdom and wise (self) counsel, to go on this trip that you have planned; to have fun; to know that whatever happens after the trip has NOTHING at all to do with YOUR worth and value.

 

Um. Sorry...feels like I've been typing forever . Hopefully there is something useful for you in one or two of the sentences.

 

Sending you Light and Love and courage...and all good things that you desire and need.

Edited May 8, 2015 by Ronni_W

[fonoma]

Ronni, what you wrote made me tear up a lot, though I know it's from already being emotional. I've read a lot of experiences of people going through divorce and dating too soon and the problems that arise are basically always the same, the difference is the people involved, their life situations, and how they deal with it.

 

I've posted questions about this guy before elsewhere and frequently get a lot of perhaps well-meaning but scornful warnings about how these men (or women) are just out to fill that void and get what they want and then leave you in the dust. And I'm sure this happens and is sort of what is happening to my relationship too, but framed very negatively.

 

We met tonight to clear things up more and both agreed that it would be better to not wait for the trip and for him to begin working on being alone like he knew he eventually would have to. We cried a lot, we hugged and kissed a lot, and just held each other. I assured him that even though it sucks so much, there is no other way for us to be happy– together or not. I expressed that my biggest fear was that we would grow apart and never find our ways back together, but that is for neither of us to worry about right now.

 

I'm new to this and have only really broken up once before and the circumstances were different and I had little feelings left for the guy, but even then the choice was hard but apparent. He said he also would be very happy if it worked out for us in the end. I just wish we had a timeline, some hope– but I suppose that defeats the purpose of this journey for him and I to separately grow and find happiness within ourselves. It is clear how much we care for each other and still want to be there for each other. He told me I was special and that he wishes the timing were different for our lives.

 

I wish I could just fast forward through the grief of this loss. My brain still can't comprehend that I won't be going to bed with him anymore, able to hold each other close and snuggle away the problems of the day. I don't want to lose such an amazing guy

Edited May 9, 2015 by fonoma

[Simon Phoenix]

He's gone unfortunately. And unfortunately, he was never completely there. The lesson here is if someone says they need to be apart, believe them. I feel like you felt like if you kept sleeping with him and doing all this he was going to magically change his mind about you. It doesn't work that way.

 

What you are going through sucks, but it's time for you to finally accept what he's said since the jump -- that he's not going to be that guy for you.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, fonoma.

It doesn't really sound like he ever had any thoughts or intentions of just "leaving you in the dust", although I totally get how it can feel that way right now.

I'm sorry for you that it has turned out this way, even if it ends up being an only temporary parting from which you will each emerge stronger on all levels, which, I'm sure you will do in any event. It goes without saying that you both deserve every happiness and opportunity available.

 

My brain still can't comprehend that I won't be going to bed with him anymore, able to hold each other close and snuggle away the problems of the day.

That brought to mind (and heart) a not-so-long-ago experience of my own...and made me tear up, too. Not sure what the emoticon is for what I'm feeling, so I'm gonna go with this one: -- in keeping with that saying, "Don't be sad because it's over; smile because it happened." <LOL>.

 

Sending you loving, healing energies.

[fonoma]

I can't tell what my feelings are in all this– I've been strangely calm though still sad. I think it's because I'm feeling hope, and it scares me because I know hope will just bring disappointment.

 

It was also easy because we are not completely no-contact yet. I haven't contacted him except to meet yesterday, the day after we broke up, to talk one last time and exchange stuff. We talked a lot, I reassured him this was right and that our pain will pass since he seemed to be taking a lot harder and was severely depressed and didn't know how to handle the anxiety. When we parted we hugged, kissed, hugged many more times before finally leaving. It didn't seem like it had any finality to it and I felt like I was doing a lot of comforting and I don't know how or why I am capable of that when I should be just as miserable. Maybe because it seemed left in the air that we would see each other again and check in until one of us was ready or had enough prolonging it and just went full NC.

 

Seeing him like that made my heart break even more though, and when he texted me last night to say he appreciated and admired my strength and to say the pictures I posted from our vacation were nice, I tried to be courteous and supportive but a little dismissive. He obviously wasn't handling it that well because it went back and forth a little too much and then he called me after to express his doubts and fears and apologized for being weak and making it harder on me by contacting me.

 

I know we can't keep doing that and maybe I'm just trying to wean the behavior slowly for his sake, and mine. We want to be there to support each other, but then that also defeats the purpose of what he needs to do. I plan to slowly have less and less contact and let him know we need to not keep in touch for a while if he keeps doing that, but in my mind I still feel like in a few weeks or months it should be ok just to check in again... is that unhelpful?

 

I just don't know how to get rid of my feelings of hope when he's making it seem like he wants it to work out one day I know there is a good possibility after he works through this that he may change his mind, even though it feels like there is no way that would happen right now.

[Ruby65]

I just don't know how to get rid of my feelings of hope when he's making it seem like he wants it to work out one day I know there is a good possibility after he works through this that he may change his mind, even though it feels like there is no way that would happen right now.

 

^ This is why you need to go complete No Contact, and why he's being very selfish by maintaining contact.

 

Hopefully, you won't have to go through too much suffering before you reach the point of realizing there's no good that comes from staying in contact after a breakup -- for you. For him? It's like a nice little safety net to keep him company.... while he looks for his next girlfriend.

[fonoma]

Well, done. He texted me again asking if I was ok this afternoon. I wrote him a longish message basically telling him we can't lean on each other for support since he decided to break up and that he should get back to me when he isn't doing it out of seeking comfort.

 

He apologized and said he was glad I told him and that he wanted me to be happy and not hinder my progress of healing.

 

I really wish this didn't have to happen. I miss him so much and I know he misses me or is at least extremely miserable. Our very recent happy memories on vacation are stuck in my mind and make me really sad. I've never had to really go through this before.

 

I have my counselor appointment finally this week and a mutual friend of ours I plan to talk to this week about her story– she was also divorced and pushed away multiple times the man she is now happily married to, so hopefully this helps me get through the week.