nina_x Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 My bf's mother was very rude to me the last time we visited her. She was acting like I was a cancer to her son. He mentioned he wanted to go see her on Mother's Day and I found it very offensive. She basically told me she hated me and wanted me to disappear. My bf now wants to visit her, I'm furious because he wants to go, he should take my side. Is this a red flag?
Diezel Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Yep, what you want to do is a red flag. Despite anything she said, she is still his mother. 7
amaysngrace Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 You're totally right. How dare she call you cancer? Does she even know when your birthday is? She sounds bad. 5
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 If that is your attitude & your solution is to try to come between a son & his mother on Mother's Day I can see where the mom was concerned about you. Go see your own mom. Let BF go see his mom. Mother's Day is not about you. If you insist that BF chose, he's rightfully going to pick mom. 8
kenji_t Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Erm...this sucks. You have every right to be mad at her, calling you cancer is very bad. But you can't expect him to abandon his mother forever... It's Mother's Day, if he wanted to visit her on Valentine's Day then I would be upset. Remember that if you marry him, you'll also "marry" his family. 4
Gloria25 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) On top of what everyone said that I "liked", can I ask if you did an honest assessment of yourself to see why she would say something so vile like that to you? I mean, some guys are "mama's boys", but some moms have a decent radar when it comes to who their son gets involved with. I have no kids, but my nephew and brother I raised in part and they do look up to me for guidance. I've seen women they got involved with (good and bad) and I'm very protective of them - as if they are my own sons. However, thanks to my fav podcaster, I've learned how to give my input and be who they come to regarding their RLs w/o calling someone they are seening a "cancer" to their face. Regardless if his mum is right about you, the fact that he just wants to roll over it and keep on moving as if nothing's going on, then that's a red flag. Maybe you can use this opportunity to spend mum's day with her to get on her good side? Sometimes people have pre-concieved notions of us cuz they just don't know us. If you change your mind about going, bring flowers. Also, you don't have to kiss up to her, just be polite - as if she's a person you met at a party. Show basic respect and courtesy. Maybe you can give it time and see if she cools her heels... ALSO, I wonder if he's using you to piss off his mum...My fav podcaster calls that the "hit woman" situation. Where the guy dates someone he knows will piss off his family cuz he has a bad relationship with them. Edited May 8, 2015 by Gloria25
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 You get no say in him seeing his mom on Mother's Day. I get you're hurt that she was rude to you, doesn't like you etc., but you cannot interfere in his relationship with his mom. Why doesn't she like you? 2
Author nina_x Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 He actually defended me against his mother and had to enter NC zone until she called and apologized. However, I still think she's vile and poisonous. I would prefer if my bf really didn't contact her, altough I understand he can't abandon her forever. She was actually very nice to me until she saw me hanging out with an ex bf (we're still friends, my bf doesn't mind we hanging out because my ex has found out he's gay and also has a bf). Regardless if she thinks I shouldn't be haning out with my ex, there was no reason for her to call me cancer to her son. I'm very offended until now and I really think he shouldn't visit her. However, he thinks he "owes" his mother at least a hug and a kiss on Mother's day, I think it's ridiculous and I feel betrayed.
daisy101 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I can understand his mother. If I saw my future DIL hanging out with an ex boyfriend, I would be very pissed. I know I have no right in saying who she should or shouldn't hang out with, but I have the right to protect my son. I don't think she meant anything when she called you cancer, it was probably the heat of the moment and this whole situation will vanish anytime now. I think you should just let your bf see his mother and try to call her to wish a happy Mother's Day as well. I'm sure she will appreciate it and this whole thing will be put in the past sooner. I agree with @kenji_t that you have every right to be mad at her, but try giving her a chance, being a mother I can say that your bf's mom doesn't really mean any harm to you, she's just protecting her son.
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 She loves her son. She saw you doing something she did not like that looked disloyal to her. Even if he's cool with you hanging out with an EX-BF she may not have known what to think. If you got all defensive about her protectiveness & started carrying on about your rights, I can see where that would leave a bad taste in her mouth. Seems like both of you could benefit from a bit more diplomacy. Good news: your BF defended you. Also good news: his mother apologized. Now be the bigger person & let it go. Be polite to her when you do see her. be respectful to her son in her presence, even more so than normal. When she sees you being nicer to her precious child (don't care how old he is), her attitude toward you should improve. If it does not you don't have to interact with her but you can never tell him who he can't & can't see. Look at it this way, you'd blow a gasket if he told you that you couldn't see your Ex-BF which is a far less important relationship then parent & child, no matter how you may view their interaction. Knowing that where do you get off trying to prohibit him from seeing his own Mother on Mother's Day. You can't will this fight so why pick it? 2
Quiet Storm Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 He actually defended me against his mother and had to enter NC zone until she called and apologized. However, I still think she's vile and poisonous. I would prefer if my bf really didn't contact her, altough I understand he can't abandon her forever. She was actually very nice to me until she saw me hanging out with an ex bf (we're still friends, my bf doesn't mind we hanging out because my ex has found out he's gay and also has a bf). Regardless if she thinks I shouldn't be haning out with my ex, there was no reason for her to call me cancer to her son. I'm very offended until now and I really think he shouldn't visit her. However, he thinks he "owes" his mother at least a hug and a kiss on Mother's day, I think it's ridiculous and I feel betrayed. You are not good for her son. A woman that feels betrayed over her BF visiting his mother is being selfish & dramatic. It sounds like you're putting a guilt trip on him- that's manipulative and should be seen as red flag by him about you. You keep behaving this way and he's going to realize his mother was right. 5
Author nina_x Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 She loves her son. She saw you doing something she did not like that looked disloyal to her. Even if he's cool with you hanging out with an EX-BF she may not have known what to think. If you got all defensive about her protectiveness & started carrying on about your rights, I can see where that would leave a bad taste in her mouth. Seems like both of you could benefit from a bit more diplomacy. Good news: your BF defended you. Also good news: his mother apologized. Now be the bigger person & let it go. Be polite to her when you do see her. be respectful to her son in her presence, even more so than normal. When she sees you being nicer to her precious child (don't care how old he is), her attitude toward you should improve. If it does not you don't have to interact with her but you can never tell him who he can't & can't see. Look at it this way, you'd blow a gasket if he told you that you couldn't see your Ex-BF which is a far less important relationship then parent & child, no matter how you may view their interaction. Knowing that where do you get off trying to prohibit him from seeing his own Mother on Mother's Day. You can't will this fight so why pick it? I guess you and @daisy101 are right. I think I'll just suck it up and don't complain anything to my bf. I'll even try to call her, lets see how it will go... 1
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 You don't have to call her. Just don't block him from seeing her. Heck I adore both of my MILs. (DH has a bio mom & a step mom) but I'm not calling either one of them on Mother's Day. they aren't my mother. 2
Author nina_x Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 You are not good for her son. A woman that feels betrayed over her BF visiting his mother is being selfish & dramatic. It sounds like you're putting a guilt trip on him- that's manipulative and should be seen as red flag by him about you. You keep behaving this way and he's going to realize his mother was right. Yeah, so his mother calls me cancer and I have to smile because after all she's her mother, right? Some people think parents are perfect just because they're parents. And by the way, I never asked for him not to go.
Author nina_x Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 You don't have to call her. Just don't block him from seeing her. Heck I adore both of my MILs. (DH has a bio mom & a step mom) but I'm not calling either one of them on Mother's Day. they aren't my mother. I tought about calling because I didn't want to talk to her when she called to apologize, I thought about saying sorry because I was immature and say that we can put everything on the past from now on... 1
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 That would be a good start. I meant you don't have to call her on Mother's Day because that is what I thought you were talking about.
Diezel Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I'm very offended until now and I really think he shouldn't visit her. However, he thinks he "owes" his mother at least a hug and a kiss on Mother's day, I think it's ridiculous and I feel betrayed. That's not your place to decide whether he should visit her or not. You can't make him cut her out of her life and if you do, you are no better than she is for calling you a cancer. What you want from him is actually the ridiculous thing. You feel betrayed because he wants to do the right thing on Mother's Day? One day, you'll have kids. 3
MissBee Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 My bf's mother was very rude to me the last time we visited her. She was acting like I was a cancer to her son. He mentioned he wanted to go see her on Mother's Day and I found it very offensive. She basically told me she hated me and wanted me to disappear. My bf now wants to visit her, I'm furious because he wants to go, he should take my side. Is this a red flag? Your boyfriend is not going to disown his mother for your sake. If a friend told me their gf expected this I would tell them she was exhibiting a red flag. I could maybe understand if you were his wife, and even then people often don't disown their parents for a spouse, but for a gf, no way! I'm sorry his mom was rude to you. I think that's awful. But it's either you will be with him and just never be around her or you break it off and be with someone whose mom has better manners. But to expect that he won't go see his mom and will act like she doesn't exist on Mother's Day because of you is unrealistic. 3
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 He actually defended me against his mother and had to enter NC zone until she called and apologized. However, I still think she's vile and poisonous. I would prefer if my bf really didn't contact her, altough I understand he can't abandon her forever. You're not his wife, you're his girlfriend. Glad you see he can't abandon her, that's his mom and like it or not he is NOT going to ignore her and cut her out of his life. That's not right. It is good that he stood up to her and defended you but don't expect him to turn his back on her. Family is everything. Girlfriends come and go, family is forever. She was actually very nice to me until she saw me hanging out with an ex bf (we're still friends, my bf doesn't mind we hanging out because my ex has found out he's gay and also has a bf). Regardless if she thinks I shouldn't be haning out with my ex, there was no reason for her to call me cancer to her son. She doesn't know you that well, she may not trust you and now it's up to you to prove to her that you love her son, you won't hurt him or cheat on him. You need to rise above it and talk to her about it. Why not invite her to lunch, or coffee? Let her get to know you better. I'm very offended until now and I really think he shouldn't visit her. However, he thinks he "owes" his mother at least a hug and a kiss on Mother's day, I think it's ridiculous and I feel betrayed. Let it go. This is not about you! Don't EVER put your boyfriend in a position where he has to choose between you and your mom. That's just not right. That's his mom, the woman who gave birth to him, the woman who raised him, show some respect because if you bash her continually and try to woo him away from her it'll blow up in your face. Either do as I suggested, bury the hatchet, take her out to lunch to get to know one another better or just stay out of her way completely and don't talk/discuss her with him anymore.
bachdude Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 My bf's mother was very rude to me the last time we visited her. She was acting like I was a cancer to her son. He mentioned he wanted to go see her on Mother's Day and I found it very offensive. She basically told me she hated me and wanted me to disappear. My bf now wants to visit her, I'm furious because he wants to go, he should take my side. Is this a red flag? You can't be serious. As much as I can understand how you would be upset at his mother, you are basically saying you want him to cut his own mother off, for her to be dead to him. If he cannot visit his own mother on mother's day, even after she apologized no less, then that is tantamount to you saying that he have nothing to do with her. 1
almond Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 You go from saying that his mother was "acting like I was a cancer to her son" to saying: "so his mother calls me cancer and I have to smile because after all she's her mother, right?" Try and keep your story straight. To be honest, you sound dramatic and somewhat irrational. The mother saw you hanging out with an ex boyfriend. She jumped to conclusions and advised her son against seeing you (?). It seems your boyfriend has since explained the situation to her and she has apologised to you both. When she called to apologise, you refused to talk to her. And now you don't want him to see her for mother's day at all? You're "furious" at him for suggesting it? Come on now. Yeah it's not nice that she said whatever it is that she said, and some parents can be overprotective and emotional. But she is his mother, and that won't change. If you don't grow up a bit and learn to accept apologies and let some things slide for the sake of your relationship, you're going to have a great deal of trouble in the future. Most families aren't perfect, and things like this will happen. Be the bigger person. If a guy told me to cut off my mother over something like this, I'd kick him to the curb in a heartbeat. 2
goodyblue Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) I am mother to five (yep, five) sons and one daughter. If any of their partner's told them not to see me or wish me happy Mother's Day they would freak out. For them it would mean that their chosen partner feels family is disposable and they would most likely stop seeing that person. I will admit, i would never treat my child's partner badly but if i saw something amiss i would call it to my child's attention, then leave it to them to decide on their future with that person. For me, you.seem like the toxic one for wanting him to throw his family away. What if he asked the same of you? Time to grow up. And tbh you should not be hanging with an ex boyfriend, gay, straight or bi. If you have slept together in the past it is a big nono to hang out. Write his mother a card that tells her how grateful you are for her, otherwise you would not have such an awesome boyfriend. Good luck Edited May 9, 2015 by goodyblue 3
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I tought about calling because I didn't want to talk to her when she called to apologize, I thought about saying sorry because I was immature and say that we can put everything on the past from now on... Yes, you have to accept her apology and try and put that all behind you. She is his mother she will be all protective, but you both love him and as she has had the decency to attempt to bury the hatchet, you have to go some way to try and get on with her for his sake. If you try and get him to take sides regularly, he will most likely ditch you eventually. His mother is always his mother after all. Choose your battles wisely. 1
Got it Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Honey, think long term here. If not you are going to struggle being anyone's significant other when you are so set on being the victim at all costs. My ex mother in law was CRAZY! But you will get I was always very judicious on what I said to my ex husband and what I expected of him. And we were married! I sure as heck never asked him to cut ties with her at any point let alone dating. Sheesh. 1
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