Transparency

[Mrs. John Adams]

johnsonbaby....in most marriages..you are absolutely correct. These kinds of demands and rules would appear to be controlling....But in marriages where infidelity has occurred...in Katielee's case...she had an affair...then her husband had two affairs...there is a history that takes precedence.

 

Not only should he WANT to be transparent to her....not only does she have the right to demand transparency from him....I believe it is absolutely necessary for them to achieve healing.

 

If Katielee NEEDS transparency...and she has clearly stated she does...then if he wants to help repair the damage he has caused he must comply. His changing his password without disclosure was a breech. He knows it.

[Ironpyrites]

If waywards want true reconciliation they should be throwing themselves on their swords, transparency is an expected and small part of reconciliation imo.

[nightmare01]

As is often said: People hide things when they have things to hide.

 

You shouldn't have to ask for transparency, it should be given freely because that's what a remorseful WS would do if they wanted to reconcile.

 

I think though that for SOME WS being transparent is kind of a trigger for them. It reminds them of what they did - and as such they tend to see it as penance or punishment. That was the vibe I got from my WW initially.

 

Stand your ground. Start the conversation with:

"I see you changed your password on Linked in. What are you hiding?"

 

If the answer is "nothing" then ask why the password was changed, then ask him to give you the new one immediately (before he can delete anything) and check the account.

 

At the end of the day though we can't play detective forever. If our WS are going to cheat again they will find a way. Maintaining all the passwords and checking the accounts and phone records gets to be like playing whack-a-mole. You simply can't keep watch over everything.

 

Through our detective work we can't make them not cheat on us again if that's what they want to do.

 

BUT a remorseful WS that wants to save the marriage should be doing everything they can think of to make you feel safe - and they should be doing that ON THEIR OWN without our having to ask.

[katielee]

I had a great Mother's Day weekend. Nothing was going to interfere with my Friday night plans bar crawling with our best couples friends or the kids being home on the weekend.

My body was calm the entire time - this is BIG for me! And then I asked him last night.

 

He said ya know, I tried to log in and I couldn't so I changed it to what I thought the password originally was. It is his password for MOST ALL of his things, but not LinkedIn, because I set that up. He only gets on LinkedIn when he receives an email and he couldn't connect so he changed it to that.

He told me right away what it was, and I said, I just want to make sure I'm not being purposely locked out of things - he said no - let's look at it together right now!

 

So... the fact that I trusted my body with this - that gut feeling... I don't know how to explain it. I was calm the entire weekend.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think privacy is forfeited by a cheater for the rest of the marriage. And that is a minimum requirement for me to move forward and to stay married. There is no "earning" back anything in that regard. For me to feel secure it's a must.

 

Also my IC has told me several times that regardless of any cheating that has been going on a husband and wife should share all passwords for everything.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am glad it turned out ok for you katielee.....I am glad you are at peace.

[understand50]

Good.

 

What he says is something that happens with passwords, but you were right to question him. I am glad it worked out for the best.

 

 

 

I had a great Mother's Day weekend. Nothing was going to interfere with my Friday night plans bar crawling with our best couples friends or the kids being home on the weekend.

My body was calm the entire time - this is BIG for me! And then I asked him last night.

 

He said ya know, I tried to log in and I couldn't so I changed it to what I thought the password originally was. It is his password for MOST ALL of his things, but not LinkedIn, because I set that up. He only gets on LinkedIn when he receives an email and he couldn't connect so he changed it to that.

He told me right away what it was, and I said, I just want to make sure I'm not being purposely locked out of things - he said no - let's look at it together right now!

 

So... the fact that I trusted my body with this - that gut feeling... I don't know how to explain it. I was calm the entire weekend.

 

14861488

[velvette]

I think privacy is forfeited by a cheater for the rest of the marriage. And that is a minimum requirement for me to move forward and to stay married. There is no "earning" back anything in that regard. For me to feel secure it's a must.

 

Also my IC has told me several times that regardless of any cheating that has been going on a husband and wife should share all passwords for everything.

 

I agree. I have also noticed among friends and family who are happy people and happily married where Im 99.9% sure there has been no infidelity most of them operate this way simply because and have operated that way from the beginning of their marriage.

[katielee]

I think privacy is forfeited by a cheater for the rest of the marriage. And that is a minimum requirement for me to move forward and to stay married. There is no "earning" back anything in that regard. For me to feel secure it's a must.

 

Also my IC has told me several times that regardless of any cheating that has been going on a husband and wife should share all passwords for everything.

 

You know I feel the same way but our MC said something different - that its ok to have passwords. Of course, his marriage hadn't been tainted by infidelity.

[Spark1111]

You know I feel the same way but our MC said something different - that its ok to have passwords. Of course, his marriage hadn't been tainted by infidelity.

 

katielee, I am reminded by the old adage that people who have nothing to hide....HIDE nothing!

 

I live by this. I am an open book.

 

So the question remains....Why and for what does my spouse need this privacy?

 

You want my passwords? You can have them, darling. I have NOTHING to hide....

 

Give me your passwords. You have nothing to hide either, right?

 

And if we have both experienced infidelity and need to rebuild this marriage, THERE is no problem with that, right?

 

Counselor be damned, yes?????

[katielee]

katielee, I am reminded by the old adage that people who have nothing to hide....HIDE nothing!

 

I live by this. I am an open book.

 

So the question remains....Why and for what does my spouse need this privacy?

 

You want my passwords? You can have them, darling. I have NOTHING to hide....

 

Give me your passwords. You have nothing to hide either, right?

 

And if we have both experienced infidelity and need to rebuild this marriage, THERE is no problem with that, right?

 

Counselor be damned, yes?????

 

I agree. It is kind of a no brainer to me.

[autumnnight]

I think privacy is forfeited by a cheater for the rest of the marriage. And that is a minimum requirement for me to move forward and to stay married. There is no "earning" back anything in that regard. For me to feel secure it's a must.

 

Also my IC has told me several times that regardless of any cheating that has been going on a husband and wife should share all passwords for everything.

 

I think privacy is out the window for BOTH spouses if they want a marriage of intimacy and equality.

[GirlStillStrong]

thanks! It is hard because he started his affairs with women in the business world. However, business things are discussed on there - I've seen his message with other guys. Do I have a right to see business related stuff?

I'm so very tired of all this.

I personally could not be with someone I had to check up on all the time. The LinkedIn thing would be enough for me to just end it. I can't be bothered with babysitting a grown man.

[Sub]

I got past the whole "checking up on her" thing. These days, it's not about trust. She has 100% autonomy on how she manages her life, her phone, her computer.

 

She will either cheat on me again, or she won't. I'm certainly not going to spend my life trying to prevent it.

 

This. You can get to the point where the insecurity and lack of trust drives you crazy. Took me two years, at the point my W began working again in the city the OM lived in. It's definitely hard to let go - not let "it" go, mind you - but it can also be very liberating as you try to recover. There are some things that you just can't control.

 

In regards to "privacy", it depends on what we mean by the word, IMO. My W had an A. I think she's still deserves privacy on some level, as do I. There are certain facets of her life that may be exempt from that, based on her infidelity. But I respect certain relationships she has with gf's and/or family as her own. I don't think I necessarily have the right to know every word that is spoken between them.

[katielee]

This. You can get to the point where the insecurity and lack of trust drives you crazy. Took me two years, at the point my W began working again in the city the OM lived in. It's definitely hard to let go - not let "it" go, mind you - but it can also be very liberating as you try to recover. There are some things that you just can't control.

 

.

 

Considering he works 100 yards from OW#1's office I think I'm doing pretty well. OW2 works about 3 miles away. I just got kinda numb to it. I'm not going to ruin my life wondering or even checking on him while he's there. Yet, if I find out ONE THING he hasn't told me about seeing them I am done. Because that is the one thing I've asked for - honesty.

 

Checking occasionally on LinkedIn, to me, reassures me that I made the right decision by staying. So does having his passwords even though I rarely use them.

 

some people say if their spouses do it again they're gone. I was not told anything. I had to spy to find out and he still denied until I caught him, literally, red handed. Twice.

So, I don't want to be the person who finds out 7 years later her husband was having a 7 year affair, if you know what I mean.

It has taken me a long time to get to the even if he is doing it, my life is worth more than worrying about it all the time. IYKWIM.

[autumnnight]

WHY does he work 100 yards from an OW's office?????? Please tell me he is trying to find another job. I would be in knots 24/7 if I were you.

[katielee]

well that would be another thread all together - he doesn't want to move...

 

I kind of got numb to it, like I said. And every time (which isn't often) he brings up trust I say, "um... every day when you drive to work you are getting a HUGE leap of faith from me."

[Sub]

Considering he works 100 yards from OW#1's office I think I'm doing pretty well. OW2 works about 3 miles away. I just got kinda numb to it. I'm not going to ruin my life wondering or even checking on him while he's there. Yet, if I find out ONE THING he hasn't told me about seeing them I am done. Because that is the one thing I've asked for - honesty.

Yes, and hopefully your WH is forthcoming about a lot of things, not just the possibility of bumping into the fOW. When my WW started the new job, there was a guy who was constantly badgering her, hitting on her. I didn't have to ask. She offered it all up as part of her day. She told him to "f*ck off" enough that he leaves her alone now. Her willingness to be open about things like that is helpful, and I hope you find the same with your H.

 

 

Checking occasionally on LinkedIn, to me, reassures me that I made the right decision by staying. So does having his passwords even though I rarely use them.

A year ago, the OM viewed each of our Linkedin profiles. (Not sure how he isn't aware that it alerts us when that happens.) A part of me was waiting to hear that he reached out to my WW. But she got rid of her profile right after it happened, even though I told her she didn't need to. It just proves that actions mean more than words. The way your H handled the password issue I think shows he gets that.

[merrmeade]

he does think this... LinkedIn - probably kind of important. I don't know

here's what's possible on LinkedIn: when I was feeling really down and unappreciated following our DDay, I decided to look up the one boyfriend I think I really loved in the past – where? On LinkedIn, of course! He answered. I answered. He was ready to take it to the next level. I realized what was happening and told my undeserving WH. And that was that.

 

So should you have reason to wonder if LinkedIn has potential for clandestine communication? You bet. And Stumble Upon ( WH had a real flirtation in the message section with one of his 'Followers' - found it early on during a Transparency Dig), and any other social media website that has a chat function. just be sure you are tech savvy enough to know what to do with it.

[truncated]

Whether it's passwords or something else, a couple who is reconciling has every right to expect certain things from each other in order to rebuild their marriage.

 

I would think that for each couple, those things could look very different, depending upon their situation.

 

Both have the choice to either stay and tacitly agree to give their spouse what they need, or they can call it quits.

 

It sounds like the op and her husband were able to handle the situation well, and each small step like that will help to rebuild the sense of trust between them. She has learned she can trust him a little bit more, and he's learned that he can go to her when something happens and she will be calm and not accuse him of things without accusing him first.