Still having arguments in my head.

[ToOldForThis]

It has been 3 months since my break up and I still keep waking up having arguments with my ex in my head. All the things I never got to say to her, all the things she said in our last conversation after the break up that were either lies or distortions of the truth. She was masterfully and turning things around, not taking responsibility and blaming me for her actions. It is all so unsettling to me. It literally feels like we are standing in the room and having a conversation/argument where I finally get to unload what I always wanted to say. I can’t seem to shut this off and it makes for a horrible morning and way to start my day.

 

I keep waiting for the time that this won’t happen but it does. I have not dated any one since the break nor do I feel ready, so I have no real distractions. I am choosing to be alone and grieve this properly since often times in past break-ups I have found a re-bound that only postponed the inevitable. I have also lost trust and faith in relationships for now. We were together for 3.5 years and this break-up has truly devistaed me, but after 3 months, I would think I’d be further along. I have a very busy life with work etc. but when I am alone and quiet, my mind does into these dialogs. I have written many letters expressing all I wanted to say but never sent them, never will.

 

My thoughts and these “mind fights” seem obsessive.

 

Does this happen to anyone else?

[dangerbang]

It has been 3 months since my break up and I still keep waking up having arguments with my ex in my head. All the things I never got to say to her, all the things she said in our last conversation after the break up that were either lies or distortions of the truth. She was masterfully and turning things around, not taking responsibility and blaming me for her actions. It is all so unsettling to me. It literally feels like we are standing in the room and having a conversation/argument where I finally get to unload what I always wanted to say. I can’t seem to shut this off and it makes for a horrible morning and way to start my day.

 

I keep waiting for the time that this won’t happen but it does. I have not dated any one since the break nor do I feel ready, so I have no real distractions. I am choosing to be alone and grieve this properly since often times in past break-ups I have found a re-bound that only postponed the inevitable. I have also lost trust and faith in relationships for now. We were together for 3.5 years and this break-up has truly devistaed me, but after 3 months, I would think I’d be further along. I have a very busy life with work etc. but when I am alone and quiet, my mind does into these dialogs. I have written many letters expressing all I wanted to say but never sent them, never will.

 

My thoughts and these “mind fights” seem obsessive.

 

Does this happen to anyone else?

 

Ha, I can totally relate to this buddy. I've found myself actually nearly shouting out loud as if I'm there in the heat of the argument. Imaginary conversations. It's insanity. You get so caught up in your thoughts.

 

I guess my solution to it thus far has been mindfulness and meditation. It's really working. It allows you to step back from your thoughts and observe them, instead of getting carried away with them. Have a look at headspace.com and there's a book called "Mindfulness a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world".

 

This isn't hocus pocus stuff, neuroscientists can show evidence of improvement for anxiety (which is what you are suffering from) and PTSD and depression.

 

I urge you to check it out.

[ToOldForThis]

I just checked out headspace.com and will download tonight. Why did you think I am suffering from PTSD? You were spot on with the depression and anxiety. That is how I have been feeling lately. Depression has been so bad I am on meds not. I need sleeping pills just to fall asleep. I have never been hit this hard with a break up. I feel paralyzed to move forward. And of course she has moved on with the guy she cheated on me with, and couldn't be happier.

[dangerbang]

I just checked out headspace.com and will download tonight. Why did you think I am suffering from PTSD? You were spot on with the depression and anxiety. That is how I have been feeling lately. Depression has been so bad I am on meds not. I need sleeping pills just to fall asleep. I have never been hit this hard with a break up. I feel paralyzed to move forward. And of course she has moved on with the guy she cheated on me with, and couldn't be happier.

 

Well, I found out last night my 34 year old ex-fiance is banging a 22 year old and it didn't really phase me. It's only been a month since we split. I just think she's an idiot. So something is working.

 

I didn't mean you have PTSD I just mean they use these methods on soldiers and people who've had horrific experiences.

 

Give headspace some time and don't go in with any expectations. If you feel it's not working for you, don't worry about it, just keep at it every day. Trust me you will feel better for it and see things as they really are without being blinkered by your horrible thoughts. These thoughts will still come but you'll be able to look at them objectively without judgement. When you start to do this you'll see that they fizzle away and don't matter. You're only alive once so you shouldn't be wasting precious life on some chick.

[imbax]

We are really on the verge of "breakup-induced-psychosis". I find myself thinking of things I have always complained about and have always wanted to say to her. I get angry all of a sudden and then realise...it's over now. There's nothing left to say anymore. She doesn't care. She doesn't want to fight me. There's no fight if she doesn't care anymore. She has moved on. I am fighting myself in my own head. It's a day to day battle. It's futile.

[STM206]

Give it time. I know it's cliche but you can't go over it or around it - you have to go THROUGH it. I can promise you that in a year while you may still have thoughts of the ex, the STING won't be as strong any more. You'll be able to find joy in life.

 

It's a process, a nasty one at times that will make you realize just how strong you really are.

[Latino4Lyfe]

Your not alone. I too sometimes have these type of thoughts in regards with my ex as well. Things I should have told her when the actual arguments took place, things that would've gone different. It will eventually get better, hang in there.

[Satu]

At three months, you're still in the shock/crisis phase.

 

It will get easier as time passes.

 

Don't be too critical of yourself, or judge yourself harshly.

[ToOldForThis]

For me 3 months seems like an eternity. Everyday up until our break up I was touched, kissed and had sex regularly. The next day it was gone. FLASH and my life changed forever. A new lonely existence of grief and memories. I can't imagine feeling like this for a year but I do know it will take a while a long while.

 

She lives 3 blocks from me and I am sick of seeing her with the new BF in their happy life. She never skipped a beat nor felt any loss. Just poped on the band-aid and was off and running.

 

I know it gets better, this isn't my first break-up, I have endured plenty of them. But as I mentioned before, at my age I am starting to disbelieve in lasting love. I can't imagine having my heart broken again so the only way to avoid that is never fall in love again. A sad reality of risk/reward. Even my last ex ex who I was with for 10 years was no where near this difficult. We grew apart and needed different things. Now one cheated, I left her but it was fairly mutual. She had a harder time letting go but we both stayed out of new relationship for 6 months. We emailed a few times during that but never saw each other.

 

There was a great deal of comfort knowing that each of us was having a hard time, both felt the loss and no one cheated. It hurt her when she found out I met someone 6 months later but the sting was pretty mild compared to what most of us dumpees feel when our ex's move on in days or weeks. It's like we never existed, mattered or had value to them. It makes me question all my memories with her. She can just take the new guy to our favorite restaurant and have a nice night, I would never go there for a very long time because of the memories. Strange how two people can have such different reactions to the same situation.

[Ronni_W]

My thoughts and these “mind fights” seem obsessive.

 

Does this happen to anyone else?

I've been subject to the same, yes...in the past, sometimes even YEARS later. How sad is that? But. All it is proof of, really, is how little TRUE control (mastery) we have over our own thoughts/minds.

 

In your ex's case, she was/is master over manipulating the facts and over not taking her own share of responsibility. But. That does NOT mean that you have anything to prove to her. And the stuff that you KNOW about yourself, you no longer need to prove to yourself (or anyone else), either.

 

In reality; in the reality of YOUR life and in the reality of who YOU are, you do not have to prove to her that you ARE wise and mature and willing to take appropriate responsibility...and neither do you have to prove to her that she is NOT any of that. (Which, your "mind arguments" are really only to prove to her that she is "wrong".)

 

KNOW that you are wise and mature and have no interest in laying blame. TELL your own mind-thoughts that you no longer give a shyte if she gets it or if she does not.

 

Get up in the morning -- or whenever you find yourself in this crazy-making, non-productive, totally nonsensical astral-psychic pattern/habit -- and say to your wayward mind-and-thoughts, "HEY! ToOldForThis, stop your bloody garbage! Stop bloody bothering ME over some other person's lack of maturity and over her desire to lay blame and guilt. I'm just not into that anymore. I.do.not.give.a.SHYTE!"

 

That's what I do. (And...sometimes it really works .) Seriously, though, if you will be severe and persistent with your own mind, you will master it. I have started to master it....but with using determination and being quite "bossy" about it.

 

Best of luck - and post in a few days, of your great success!

Edited May 8, 2015 by Ronni_W

[Ronni_W]

But as I mentioned before, at my age I am starting to disbelieve in lasting love. I can't imagine having my heart broken again so the only way to avoid that is never fall in love again. A sad reality of risk/reward.

LOVE is not the "problem", though. True, genuine, unconditional love IS lasting. Always. Just because two human beings grow apart -- for real or perceived "reasons" -- does not mean that LOVE was not or is not present.

 

There is NO "risk" in giving or receiving real, true, genuine love. It is only our own faulty ideas about LOVE, and expectations of LOVE that is the cause of what we, later, perceive as "problems" and then blame LOVE for the problems that we, of our own misunderstanding or wrong expectation, created.

 

Does that make sense? (Sometimes makes sense?)

[ToOldForThis]

Ronni,

 

Thank you for your insightful words. It is true that the arguments in my head are about blame and responsibility. Such a waste of time. Our only contact in 3 months was her response to a short kind email I sent a few weeks ago. She called me right away and screamed at me to leave her alone and how I ruined her to ever trust or love anyone again. I was floored by her reaction. How could I ruin her when she is already in a relationship that she chose to cheat on me with? Whatever…

 

I did not have much chance to respond to her, nor were my thoughts clear at the time, so there in lies the “head fights” that I am having. No closure etc.

 

I do agree with you about pure love and I have experienced it a few times. It is wonderful. But is most relationships, at least mine, love is mixed up with two peoples expectation, needs, insecurities, and a list of all the other complexities that come with two people sharing their lives together. I do understand that is not pure love.

 

Pure love is what I have for some of my ex’s of long ago. A deep feeling that always wants the best for them, with nothing in return I always wish them happiness and that brings me joy to feel it. But I don’t live with them Expectations destroy so much and creep into relationships without notice.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like your arguments are all about unresolved issues. You know, counselling might help with this. I understand mindfulness can be helpful but also being able to pour all this out to someone might help. We are social creatures and need to express feelings.

[Ronni_W]

Our only contact in 3 months was her response to a short kind email I sent a few weeks ago. She called me right away and screamed at me

I would offer most lovingly, ToOldForThis, that people do NOT respond to what THEY perceive as "kindness", by screaming.

 

That is, you are giving her credit -- for being able to perceive "kindness" -- that she may not yet deserve/have earned; an ability she may not as yet have developed.

 

This is still, if you can see it, YOUR inability or unwillingness to see her more accurately -- at the level of consciousness in which she actually is, right now. (You may be -- or are -- projecting your own intuitive sense of her potential, and making that how she is currently. This is something that I, also, need to take responsibility, for doing to others. Our perspective of others is ahead of their ACTUAL attainment of themselves. It is OUR shortcoming, not theirs!)

 

I do get the "being floored" by their follow-up reactions to our "kindness" but...it is because our expectation is based on OUR OWN seeing them not as how they are, but how they can -- and will -- be in some future point of time-space.

 

OUR expectation is out of sync...

[ToOldForThis]

I agree with everything you said but to clarify her possible reaction; My kindness involved mention of not only seeing her that day from a distance, (I thought she also saw me) I also wrote in the email some reference to fond memories that were related to a few other things I had experienced over that weekend. They were very sweet. The email was only a paragraph. I think her anger was always there, and pent up but perhaps reading kind memories set her off as she did not want to remember anything about us. She was in her new relationship and didn’t want to ever look back. So maybe I pulled her band-aid off.

 

So basically on my dime she let loose. She certainly could have just emailed back to please leave her alone. I truly did not expect a response at all. She is tough that way.

 

In the call as I mentioned, she claimed that I was the love of her life and that is why she is ruined. It made no sense to me. She drifted and ended up cheating on me.

I don’t think she had slept with the guy while with me, but she certainly was already emotionally cheating, by making time for him and lying about it. Pre break up I confronted her in a simple text about this and asked if she would respectfully decide what or whom she wanted. She never replied and I never heard from her again. (Until the phone call). I was temped to call her a few days later but did not want to make a fool of myself when the answer was pretty clear.

 

And yes, I still I am doing all of this:

 

“This is still, if you can see it, YOUR inability or unwillingness to see her more accurately -- at the level of consciousness in which she actually is, right now. (You may be -- or are -- projecting your own intuitive sense of her potential, and making that how she is currently. This is something that I, also, need to take responsibility, for doing to others. Our perspective of others is ahead of their ACTUAL attainment of themselves. It is OUR shortcoming, not theirs!)”

 

 

It was a very difficult relationship throughout. Both of us have big personalities are stubborn and emotionally messy. We have both be in and out of therapy so I thought the potential of us not only working on ourselves but as a couple gave the relationship a dynamic I have never had. But in the end, I think I had a much greater desire to grow as a person and I think the healthier I got, the stronger my boundaries became. I was becoming someone different to her, perhaps someone she was either not ready for or just did not find as a suitable partner. Either way the break up and her exit strategy was cowardly and very hurtful.

 

Just curious, would you mind telling me you age?

 

Thanks again for your response.

[Ronni_W]

It was a very difficult relationship throughout. Both of us have big personalities are stubborn and emotionally messy. We have both be in and out of therapy so I thought the potential of us not only working on ourselves but as a couple gave the relationship a dynamic I have never had. But in the end, I think I had a much greater desire to grow as a person and I think the healthier I got, the stronger my boundaries became. I was becoming someone different to her, perhaps someone she was either not ready for or just did not find as a suitable partner.

EXACTLY what you said!

 

Including that you WERE stubborn and emotionally messy. And she STILL IS.

 

At some point, YOU transcended your old self and she did not. BUT you will not, for your own reasons, accept that there was a...separation, an individualization, a differentiation between then two of you.

 

You say that you got healthier and stronger...and -- if I may speak frankly -- you simply will not allow that she did not "keep up" with you. You do not want to have understanding or compassion for her not being ready or able, at an inner level, or soul level, or spiritual level (whatever words/labels your personal philosophy uses, for this type of thing).

 

Your "kind message of happy memories" only magnified, to her, her inability or unwillingness or whatever "lack" (of integrity, adequacy, whatever) she already perceived within her Self. Of course it triggered her. How could it not? She is NOT on your level of consciousness; she is yet at a lower level. That is not "good" or "bad" or even "neutral". It just is. You being the love of her life, or the bane of it, is immaterial, irrelevant. (You do know this on inner levels. I just have the sense that you do know this.)

 

My age is...way old. But, I'm not yet on as high a level of consciousness as to which I do aspire.

Feels like we could have way interesting conversations...and not necessarily always because our perspectives are the same . Do lots of posts and 'private message' me if/when the mood strikes. (Not that I won't respond here, also.) I think 100 posts gets you PM privileges; or 3 months after becoming a member.

Either way the break up and her exit strategy was cowardly and very hurtful.

Only because you're making a free-will choice to view it that way, and judge her that way. (Do you consider "cowardliness" a greater crime/sin than self-righteousness...or whatever it is that you are feeling, about all of this crap with your ex???) Your other alternative, of course, is to hold a higher perspective, that comes more from your inner, higher wisdom and unconditional love, instead of from your purely lower/ego/outer personality that wants to pretend to you that you don't know stuff that you do know. (I just have the sense that you do know.)

 

In Love and Light...where you truly are!

Edited May 9, 2015 by Ronni_W

[ToOldForThis]

WOW Ronni,

 

You are so spot on with everything you wrote. So accurate. Thank you.

I have been very emotionally immature both during the relationship and now that it is over. An issue that I have been dealing with for a while. Although I tend to be much better at self-regulating some of my childish acts, they have been a means of my coping skills for a very long time. I know better but fall back on old thoughts and processes which feel so much more familiar than the struggle of really self-evaluating and recognizing that I have learned a great deal and grown. I believe that there is some comfort in my old pain and it keeps me stuck from letting go of these things.

 

My ex I believe has BPD, her mother does (was married 7 times) and diagnosed with it. So that dynamic created a whole world of problems. That being said, I still stayed in the relationship way too long and made so many unhealthy choices for myself to look the other way when all the writing was on the wall in big bold letters. I have been trying to take full responsibility for my own behavior in not only staying in a toxic relationship but also in not beating myself up for doing so. I spent a great deal of time focusing on her BPD to deflect my own part in all of it and and how it affected me. I finally realized that this has only keep me in a victim mode, stuck with blaming her rather than taking responsibility for my part in staying. Our gears meshed perfectly with my low self-esteem, history of childhood abuse etc. My fear of intimacy and commitment pushed her abandonment issues, which I believe kept her engaged to the relationship. I guess we gravitate towards that which feels familiar.

 

On my good healthy days when I am of clear mind and my ego is at rest, I feel only love for her and realize that of course she was not a coward, she was only doing the best she could given the tools she has to work with. Her exit strategy was to be expected as the pain of our demise was far too great and familiar (abandonment) for her to cope with.

So, having a back-up plan of another man was really her only choice given where she is emotionally at this point in her life. Still hurt me a great deal.

 

Being “The love of her life” is really relative to what her interpretation of what real love is. I believe her view of this was more of her needs being met, co-dependency and my actions of giving her attention, filling her insecure heart with acts of love and kindness. I was molding myself into being what I thought she needed. I knew this so often, felt the pull of altering what I believed was right and true to myself but keep in the comfort of denial due to her other amazing good qualities and my own desire to be loved and cherished. Over time resent built up for me as my moral compass spun in all directions.

My own sense of right and wrong became distorted as I easily finger pointed it all back to her.

 

Was it ever really love? That’s a hard one. On many levels how could it be? As we discussed, pure love does not act like this, look like this, smell like this, behave like this or feel like this. It is an independent feeling that is never tied to a response or expectation of reciprocal feelings.

 

Not sure if “way old” is as old as me at 55, but like you I am nowhere near the level of consciousness than I am now striving for. Very frustrating to be this age and know I have so much growing to do. It makes sense. Never married, and still fearful of true deep commitment and love. Oh well, can’t beat myself up for my past, it’s gone and I can now just embrace where I am today and forgive myself for what I perceive as being a very slow learner. Perhaps the final gift my ex left me with was all this pain I am feeling now is forcing me to truly look inside myself and understand where I need to head in order to truly find self-love and my own happiness.

 

Yes, I would enjoy PM with you when that is available. I really appreciate everything you have written.

[Ronni_W]

We can say that we are of same age

 

It was love, because it was love. Human love looks exactly like this. Well, it has thousands of flavours but...it looks exactly like this. If you know what I mean. In any event, there isn't, in my mind, any need to even try to turn it into "not love", or "not unconditional/divine love", or whatever. What would be the point of that?

Perhaps the final gift my ex left me with was all this pain I am feeling now is forcing me to truly look inside myself and understand where I need to head in order to truly find self-love and my own happiness.

NO! "Pain" is not ever a "gift" (I still haven't figured out the BDSM-angle of that). Her gift, if you would put it that way, is your OPPORTUNITY to finally take full self-responsibility so that you can fully actualize your own potential. Nothing about anything has anything to do with her, at the very end of the day. Nothing at all.

 

I believe her view of [love] was more of her needs being met, co-dependency and my actions of giving her attention, filling her insecure heart with acts of love and kindness. I was molding myself into being what I thought she needed.

NO! You were molding yourself into being what YOU wanted and needed to be in your own mind and self-image, and how you wanted to be perceived by her/others. You were living up to YOUR OWN standard/sense of identity. (White knight, uber-humanitarian, "saviour"...something/someone like that? . No worries...I used to see myself like that, too. And not just for/about romantic partners. So sad, I was; so ignorant, so arrogant. But. We do see the Light, eventually, yes?)

 

You also stayed because it was a "perfect environment" in which you could outpicture, or role play, or demonstrate YOUR OWN self-image. We cannot, after all, save people unless there are people -- in our own, limited perspective -- that need saving! Whether she does indeed have BPD or OCD or NPD or whatever other alphabet-disorder we can name -- or cancer or diabetes -- has nothing at all to do with anything of your own thoughts, feelings, sense of identity, moral compass, behaviour.

 

In fact, likely those "mental arguments" that you USED to suffer from (past is the correct tense, yes?), that started this post of yours, were also about you still trying to "save her from herself" as it were. Well...not "likely" but...maybe?

 

In any case, YOUR view of love also was about getting your needs met, and also in a codependent way -- giving her attention and performing all those acts of lovingness and kindness fulfilled YOUR OWN desire/self-image. It's the same for 99.9% of human beings. Your sense of "right and wrong" was established/distorted LONG before you met her; not unlike your preferences, dislikes, aversions. Again...it's the same for everyone else. We try to blame our adult partners for crap that is not on them; crap that we've been dragging behind us our whole lives. At any point, we are each responsible for our own moral compass...and if the needle is swinging around insanely, it is only because WE are not properly centered; not properly "magnetized", as it were. That is not on anybody else.

 

 

I am sorry that you suffered abuse as a child. It is needless to say...but I will say it, anyway: You did not deserve that. I do wish for you that you have found, or will find, the higher/deeper perspective so that you will have full, permanent freedom from those prior experiences.

 

Very frustrating to be this age and know I have so much growing to do. It makes sense. Never married, and still fearful of true deep commitment and love. Oh well, can’t beat myself up for my past, it’s gone and I can now just embrace where I am today and forgive myself for what I perceive as being a very slow learner.

Ah, young man! Do I ever know that sense of frustration...although...how do you know how much growing you have yet to do? (There is the concept of 144 levels of consciousness -- but that's a whole new conversation, innit?)

 

Thanks for the fun convo! Sending hugs and love.

Edited May 9, 2015 by Ronni_W

[ToOldForThis]

My BPD reference to her was not an excuse for me not taking responsibility for my actions but rather a point (if you have ever been with a BPD) that I have never encountered a person who can dish out lies so craftily. She painted a picture of who she was and added new brush strokes on a daily basis. Her façade was flawless, and so much of her actions were to keep it that way. I was blinded (let myself be blinded) by this.

 

As time went on, her true self started to appear. When I questioned her actions, or confronted her on her behavior, more twisting, turning and distortions of the truth came about. And I am not just speaking of infidelity. Early on in the relationship when these red flags started showing up, I ended the relationship. But back she came with a promise to work on her issues and there effect it had on our relationship. I allow myself to be reeled back in over and over again. She would offer up an emotionally perfect dessert when what I really needed/wanted was a nurturing meal. A confusion that I also let happen.

 

Don’t get me wrong, in many ways she was the most wonderful woman I have ever been with; very bright, financially successful, independent, caring, loving, funny and beautiful. But emotionally behind closed doors she functioned mostly on a child’s level. I guess that’s what I needed at the time also.

 

And I do agree and maybe did not communicate properly, I take full responsibility for my broken moral compass, my actions and my need to mold myself to be who I thought she needed, it was my own doing. All of what you wrote I agree with. But it is only with reflection that I can see that now. I was never held down and tied up to this relationship. I always had a choice to leave and stay gone, it was my own sense of self-worth (or lack of) that kept me coming back for more.

 

She was being who she is, with all her past experiences and how she reacts’ to that etc. I did not try to change that. I was more interested in trying to learn how to work together congruently and confront issues to find solutions for behavior that was unacceptable or damaging to both of us.

 

When for example she would get jealous of one of my female employees who I may have taken out to lunch, she would get hurt, feel insecure and be cranky or distance herself from me that night without ever saying anything about it. When she finally would leak out that this had upset her, we would end up having a fight about it rather than a conversation. I would end up defending my innocent behavior from her accusations rather then just listening/seeing her underling insecurity. I would be verbally attacked, as she believed that whatever her interpretation of a situation was, it had to be true. I felt like I would drop 50 IQ points when we argued as she manipulated the truth and perceptions to the point that my head would spin. It was like being with a world-class trial lawyer or winner of the national debate team. None of which was constructive, as it never address the real emotional issue at hand, lack of trust. That baggage certainly was there way before she met me.

 

Her mistrust for me was based on projections of her own behavior and intentions. But as I said before, she created a persona that would never do or think that.

 

I know none of this matters anymore. It is was I learned from it that I can take away from as my experience. I was merely trying to make a point that I was basically dating a con artist. Never in all my years have I been with someone who was not even close to whom they presented themselves as. It’s like watching a magic trick, you see it happen, its amazing you have know idea how they do it, but you know its just a trick. So there in lies my denial. As I started really seeing that it was just a trick, I stayed for more believing that it was in fact magic. Can’t blame her for the stellar performance, I just did not know for a very long time that I had signed up for the greatest show on earth.

 

Of course it fulfilled whatever needs I may have had. I know that now and perhaps part of my anger is really at myself for allowing this to happen when I knew so often that I needed to run not walk away. In the end, she was my heroin fix, an addiction to what she had to offer and how I felt about myself while being with her. She really did the best she could with the tools she has. I accept that now.

 

I agree, this pain was not a gift but rather a torturous hell I have been experiencing. What this has done (the gift) is force me to stop everything that I would normally do to squelch the pain. No dating, no rebounds, no sex, no drinking. Not even really going out much. Just doing a lot of reading learning, therapy and being alone. And of course on this forum.

 

I know everyone says I should get on with my life, take care of myself, exercise blah blah blah but that to me is not going to help or change the growth I want to push myself through.

 

It is feeling this hurt, anger and disappointment of what could have been that is wiping the grim off my emotional windows to help me see a brighter future. So if I walk around unshaven, head down and quiet, for now that is just fine by me. Now is not the time to put on a happy face and pretend its all good. Its not.

 

I am not looking to just “move on” I am searching for livelong answers as to why this relationship and all my other bad ones in the past keep happening. I want to finally move past some of these core issues in myself and learn to be my own best friend, happy and content to be alone and experience life the way it seems fit for me. And if /when I reach that point, I am confident a very healthy woman will pass in my direction and we shall both take notice of each other. Keeping in mind that is not my ultimate goal but rather a nice byproduct for being the best person I have ever been and finally attracting that towards me. I don’t want to spend my life alone, but I see so often people desperately trying to find a partner to “complete” them is only postponing the real work that needs to be done on ones self. Oh to be young again and not worry about this crap!

 

Life’s lessons

 

Love and hugs to you too!