Kulmum Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Hi I left my husband who I was with for 25 years (he was my first boyfriend) in August and took our two kids with me. We moved to a different town (40 mins from home). The kids see their Dad once a week on a Wednesday and every other weekend. They are 4 and 8. My 8 year old still thinks that we will get back together again that is, until I told him last week it wasn't going to happen. I have met someone else. We have been dating since late February. He has a little boy the same age as my eldest boy and has full custody and has no contact with his mother. He loves me and I love him. We are perfect for each other. People who have been in our company think that we were made for each other. He said he is in this relationship for life. I am too. I have told my ex that I have met someone and want to introduce him to our kids and he is happy with that. My partner is anxious that I don't keep him hidden and wants to meet my kids, my family and my friends (those he hasn't already met). I want to move on and don't want to be a single parent. My ex is taking the kids away in July for a few weeks and I will go on vacation with my boyfriend and his son for those few weeks. I want us to move in together when we get back from vacation. We will be going out together about six months by then. I told my sister today and she couldn't believe that I am planning this. She asked me what the rush was and said it was far too soon for the kids especially since my son is taking the separation so badly. She thinks that I am too optimistic about the kids getting on together, that they should meet but that I shouldn't be making such a rash decision. She has been my rock and is always there for me and helped me find a new place, helps minding my kids and in general is there to talk to and bounce ideas off. I am hurt that she can't see how much we love each other and that we are in this for life. Is she right? What can I do to convince her that I am doing the right thing? KM
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) Sorry to burst your bubble but yes, you are moving WAY too fast with this guy. I don't care how much you love one another, you've been dating less than 12 weeks and you're already talking about moving in together? To do so with children involved is selfish and irresponsible. This guy could be anyone, but the worst part is you're messing with your kids' emotions, they need time and space to get over the trauma of their family breaking apart, to expect them to now suddenly accept a new father figure into their life, living in their home and sharing a bed with their mom after a few months is saying loud and clear to me that you're putting your own desires to create a family again above their emotional development. You just can't screw with children like that and expect them to come out of it okay. Kids are resilient but they're also incredibly affected by what goes on around them, they are sponges that soak up lessons on how to be an adult and you're planning to show them that moving on this fast and in with a relative stranger is okay? The mind boggles. Slow down. It's a major red flag your new guy is eager to meet everyone and 'not stay hidden', strikes me he's trying to go at the speed of light too when he really should know better as a father. A caring and mature adult would relate that kids need time to adjust and that he has no right to be inserting himself into your social circle and life this quickly. This will end in tears. Your kids have seen their parents split and everything in their life change. If you rush this they will then go through the same trauma again of having to watch another relationship break before their eyes. Move too quickly here and they'll resent you for putting the new guy first and they'll resent this new random guy who's taking their moms attention and energy away from them right when they need you most. Back up and wait at least another few months before introducing yourselves to one another's kids, and don't even think about moving in for at least another year until you've weathered some storms together and know how you two work together when the going gets tough. You're a mom, not a teenager. Please put your kids first on this one. You can't just go with the flow, take a chance on love and go all-in, not without others getting caught in the crossfire. If it's right now wait and see if it's right in a year or two's time. If it doesn't make it you've saved a lot of heartache. Edited May 8, 2015 by acrosstheuniverse 2
stillafool Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 You are definitely moving too fast. Your son needs time to heal if he is still struggling without having another man as a father figure in his home. Please think of your kids rather than you not wanting to be a single parent. You aren't alone in raising your kids. It sounds like their father is in their life also so you really aren't parenting alone. 1
Gaeta Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Great post acrosstheuniverse OP: You've been married for 25 years. You know more than anyone else that love isn't enough to make a relationship work. You don't know this man from Adam. You're experiencing NRE New relationship energy and you have no clue how long that will carry you. Might be for another 2 weeks or 2 months. This forum is filled with stories like yours of men and women rushing things during the honeymoon phase then suddenly one falls of the wagon and it's over. Also, rushing into things because you don't want to be a single mother proves you are not making a sound decision. You and him are looking for fill some type of void and the first victims of your dilusion will be your children. Stay in your respective home and date and get to know each other for entire year before talking moving in together. Right now your primary role is being a mother, your little heart can wait another year for their sake.
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