lostinlove143 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Hello out there, This is my first post and was looking to get some advice from others on dealing with the rollercoaster of dating after being in a long term relationship. It has been a very long road since he passed 2.5 years ago and we were together for almost 5. I'm not sure I'm quite ready for a new relationship, as I keep going back and forth with the idea of dipping my toe (only one) into the dating pool. I've been in long term relationships my entire life and I am now able to be on my own and have a life to myself. I don't want to rush into any relationship as it freaks me out a little, but I also really miss having someone. I would think this is normal after such a huge life change, but I would like to have some companionship as I miss having my "picket fence family". It wasn't perfect, but we were soulmates and meant to be together. (My fiancee passed, but I also lost contact with my soon-to-be kid daughter and extended family.) I'm not sure how to proceed as dating has changed drastically since I was last single. I'm not familiar with reading signals from others as to what their intentions are as I've always dismissed any signals from being in a committed relationship. I'm feeling confused and a little guilty about moving on, although I know he would want me to be happy and shouldn't be feeling guilty. But I also am fearful of being hurt, cuz I know it will happen. Feeling all over the place with emotions and not sure how to proceed. Sometimes I'm okay with moving on and other times I regress. Any suggestions or advice? Thanks for any help. It's much appreciated.
crimsontactics Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Hello out there, This is my first post and was looking to get some advice from others on dealing with the rollercoaster of dating after being in a long term relationship. It has been a very long road since he passed 2.5 years ago and we were together for almost 5. I'm not sure I'm quite ready for a new relationship, as I keep going back and forth with the idea of dipping my toe (only one) into the dating pool. I've been in long term relationships my entire life and I am now able to be on my own and have a life to myself. I don't want to rush into any relationship as it freaks me out a little, but I also really miss having someone. I would think this is normal after such a huge life change, but I would like to have some companionship as I miss having my "picket fence family". It wasn't perfect, but we were soulmates and meant to be together. (My fiancee passed, but I also lost contact with my soon-to-be kid daughter and extended family.) I'm not sure how to proceed as dating has changed drastically since I was last single. I'm not familiar with reading signals from others as to what their intentions are as I've always dismissed any signals from being in a committed relationship. I'm feeling confused and a little guilty about moving on, although I know he would want me to be happy and shouldn't be feeling guilty. But I also am fearful of being hurt, cuz I know it will happen. Feeling all over the place with emotions and not sure how to proceed. Sometimes I'm okay with moving on and other times I regress. Any suggestions or advice? Thanks for any help. It's much appreciated. Just gonna keep it straight and simple for ya. Q: I'm not sure I'm quite ready for a new relationship. A: Then don't. Q: I don't want to rush into any relationship as it freaks me out a little A: Then don't. Q: but I also really miss having someone A: Get a pet. Q: I'm feeling confused and a little guilty about moving on, although I know he would want me to be happy and shouldn't be feeling guilty. A: Then don't feel guilty. Look, you already know what you want. You just need someone to comfort you. I can say things to make you feel comfortable, but it won't improve your situation one bit. You know what you want, so do it! Stay strong!
jen1447 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Why not just try dating itself? Dating doesn't have to mean relationships, so you can go on a few and see how you feel about it, etc. I'm sure some people here can give you tips on online dating if you want to go that route, but there's still the old-fashioned way too, and it doesn't have to be complicated. I can tell you what to do if you like, but give us some details on your life situation. (Not history, just stuff like work, friends, etc.)
SLee Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. His partner of 4 years passed and he was devastated. I'm sorry you have to grow through this pain. My friend was very lonely and began dating a year after she had passed and it was not good. He was really pushing for commitment with women he was only casually seeing and just didn't have a clear head all around. It didn't work out with the woman he was seeing, and now he's understanding what he needs to do to keep himself healing. If you have to ask if you're reading to date, than I wouldn't advise it. When you're ready, you'll know. Don't make any decisions out of feeling lonely. It hurts and is not a fun feeling, but surrounding yourself with family and friends and loving yourself will be the key to your healing. 2
Author lostinlove143 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 Just gonna keep it straight and simple for ya. Q: I'm not sure I'm quite ready for a new relationship. A: Then don't. Q: I don't want to rush into any relationship as it freaks me out a little A: Then don't. Q: but I also really miss having someone A: Get a pet. Q: I'm feeling confused and a little guilty about moving on, although I know he would want me to be happy and shouldn't be feeling guilty. A: Then don't feel guilty. Look, you already know what you want. You just need someone to comfort you. I can say things to make you feel comfortable, but it won't improve your situation one bit. You know what you want, so do it! Stay strong! Thanks for the response. I don't usually feel lonely actually. I am probably by myself a good 90% of any given day. I think that is what makes it a little confusing as to whether I'm ready or not. It's once in a while I get bored and have exhausted every contact I can get ahold of and would like to have a social life. I have several pets that keep me very busy and constantly active that give lots of love and receive a ton of affection. They are all my spoiled furbabies and come 1st right now, as silly as that sounds. It's a more meaningful conversation with a human, that lasts more than 5 minutes and is interesting...
Author lostinlove143 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 Why not just try dating itself? Dating doesn't have to mean relationships, so you can go on a few and see how you feel about it, etc. I'm sure some people here can give you tips on online dating if you want to go that route, but there's still the old-fashioned way too, and it doesn't have to be complicated. I can tell you what to do if you like, but give us some details on your life situation. (Not history, just stuff like work, friends, etc.) Thanks Jen1447 for the response. I think that's what I'm leaning towards, but not sure exactly how to go about it as sad as that sounds. I always knew people very well before getting involved on any type of romantic level. But basically, I am starting completely fresh. I am fairly new to my town and majority of my old friends and family are hours away. My closest family member is about 45 min away and it's hard to get out to visit in person. I also am involved in a widow support group that is helpful, however, I still have a hard time relating as I am a good 15 years minimum younger than everyone there. Our situations are completely different My job is in a spa environment, so conversations rarely happen as most of the guests we see are relaxing. Also makes it weird to say hey, would you ever like to hangout on a personal level? It just doesn't really go over well. lol I have found some happiness in my daily life and am always or at least 90% of the time~ smiling in a good mood. I am constantly at the gym, working out, or busy with some new project or hobby. I try to be as busy as possible, but they are usually all activities I do by myself. I am also shy but I am fighting my shyness and trying my best to make conversations as little as they may be with everyone I meet. But it so far hasn't evolved into many exchanging of numbers or friends to get out of the house with. :/ I don't mean to make this sound like a very lonely or depressing type of discussion. I'm just a little frustrated in the transition from family to by myself, and am struggling to meet new people as I can't force people to be friends. lol... Thought I would ask for some suggestions from fresh perspectives as there is a little bit more free speech online.
Author lostinlove143 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. His partner of 4 years passed and he was devastated. I'm sorry you have to grow through this pain. My friend was very lonely and began dating a year after she had passed and it was not good. He was really pushing for commitment with women he was only casually seeing and just didn't have a clear head all around. It didn't work out with the woman he was seeing, and now he's understanding what he needs to do to keep himself healing. If you have to ask if you're reading to date, than I wouldn't advise it. When you're ready, you'll know. Don't make any decisions out of feeling lonely. It hurts and is not a fun feeling, but surrounding yourself with family and friends and loving yourself will be the key to your healing. Thanks for the response SLee. I appreciate the kind words. (Sorry for making multiple posts as I'm new to forums.) This is a very common response I hear happens. Even from those who have waited 10 years after their spouse passes... The first relationship that breaks up sends you through grief again. I think this is a big part of what holds me back from dating at the moment, as I don't want to keep going through pain. But can I really put my entire life on hold and be alone just to avoid feelings? I really don't want to do that, and I don't think that is healthy either. It has been very painful and yet I don't know that I'll ever really feel like I'll have closure on the experience of losing the love of my life. Unfortunately, this is actually the second partner in a row I have lost to death. Both unexpected and both before 35. It has been a long journey, but I have to remain hopeful of the future as I hope to be around for another 60 years. I'm just not sure I can live in fear and anxiety for the next 60 years of what may happen if I loose out on opportunities for friends or the next love of my life. I would like to keep trying to expand my horizons and live a fulfilling life. Just trying to find my way to do so.
jen1447 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Thanks Jen1447 for the response. I think that's what I'm leaning towards, but not sure exactly how to go about it as sad as that sounds. I always knew people very well before getting involved on any type of romantic level. But basically, I am starting completely fresh. I am fairly new to my town and majority of my old friends and family are hours away. My closest family member is about 45 min away and it's hard to get out to visit in person. I also am involved in a widow support group that is helpful, however, I still have a hard time relating as I am a good 15 years minimum younger than everyone there. Our situations are completely different My job is in a spa environment, so conversations rarely happen as most of the guests we see are relaxing. Also makes it weird to say hey, would you ever like to hangout on a personal level? It just doesn't really go over well. lol I have found some happiness in my daily life and am always or at least 90% of the time~ smiling in a good mood. I am constantly at the gym, working out, or busy with some new project or hobby. I try to be as busy as possible, but they are usually all activities I do by myself. I am also shy but I am fighting my shyness and trying my best to make conversations as little as they may be with everyone I meet. But it so far hasn't evolved into many exchanging of numbers or friends to get out of the house with. :/ I don't mean to make this sound like a very lonely or depressing type of discussion. I'm just a little frustrated in the transition from family to by myself, and am struggling to meet new people as I can't force people to be friends. lol... Thought I would ask for some suggestions from fresh perspectives as there is a little bit more free speech online. The gym sounds like it has potential. Ok here's an idea - you're there a lot, so pick out a handful of people you find attractive and make a point of approaching them and flirting. It may or may not be effective, but either way is ok. It's the trying that's important. That may actually get you a date or two believe it or not (luckily you can get away with approaching, being a woman), and if it doesn't it's still good practice socializing in a safe environment. Another ballsy thing to try - and ballsy is good - is to go to a bar or club alone. A lot of women think that's scary and that you're sending the wrong message, but those are old-fashioned notions. Just pick a suitable bar, and take a suitable attitude along with you. If you're sitting there alone, most likely someone will approach you. If nothing else, you can chat with the bartender. And if you carry yourself properly, in terms of your look saying "I'm a single lady," not "I'm looking to bang," you should get more desired approaches and fewer undesired ones. But that would also give you practice on being sociable and flirting, even if nothing comes of it either. I actually like going to bars by myself somewhat frequently - keeps me on my toes and out of the easy comfort zone. It's always good to challenge yourself with things that aren't easy. 1
OldRover Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 lostinlove143, Absolutely dip your toe in. Get active in some social clubs, activities where there's mixed company. The gym is a great place. There are many clubs where you can meet people on a casual basis. You can decide if you want to accept a date or not... or just be social able. It appears like you do need some social interaction, date or not. I'm not a big fan of bars, be there are some that have a higher level of people. I met several really nice ladies at the bar and fell in love with one and had a wonderful time with her. But I've met the best ones at the gym or at the pool. There are specific clubs.... skiing, boating, kayaking, hiking, biking, card playing, etc, etc... easy to find, and if you don't like it, easy to just drop out. There's also clubs designed for people to find their mate... singles clubs, just find one that's appropriate for you... age group, interests, etc. You don't HAVE to accept any dates at all, but can get your toe wet and meet some very nice people. 1
Itspointless Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 But can I really put my entire life on hold and be alone just to avoid feelings? I really don't want to do that, and I don't think that is healthy either. [...] I hope to be around for another 60 years. I'm just not sure I can live in fear and anxiety for the next 60 years of what may happen if I loose out on opportunities for friends or the next love of my life. I would like to keep trying to expand my horizons and live a fulfilling life. It is good to keep in mind that there are many ways a fulfilling life can look like. 1
Author lostinlove143 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 The gym sounds like it has potential. Ok here's an idea - you're there a lot, so pick out a handful of people you find attractive and make a point of approaching them and flirting. It may or may not be effective, but either way is ok. It's the trying that's important. That may actually get you a date or two believe it or not (luckily you can get away with approaching, being a woman), and if it doesn't it's still good practice socializing in a safe environment. Another ballsy thing to try - and ballsy is good - is to go to a bar or club alone. A lot of women think that's scary and that you're sending the wrong message, but those are old-fashioned notions. Just pick a suitable bar, and take a suitable attitude along with you. If you're sitting there alone, most likely someone will approach you. If nothing else, you can chat with the bartender. And if you carry yourself properly, in terms of your look saying "I'm a single lady," not "I'm looking to bang," you should get more desired approaches and fewer undesired ones. But that would also give you practice on being sociable and flirting, even if nothing comes of it either. I actually like going to bars by myself somewhat frequently - keeps me on my toes and out of the easy comfort zone. It's always good to challenge yourself with things that aren't easy. Thanks for the suggestions. I will keep trying at the gym and look for other opportunities. I will have to think about the bar or club... I don't usually go to either, but maybe there are other places. (But I totally understand what you mean and will carry myself properly in those settings...) Now that summer is coming, I'm hoping there are more events around the city. It's a little intimidating still, but I will keep at it... At the same time, I think your suggestion for online might suit me better for now as I feel a little more at ease... So I decided to make a profile the other day and try to to start some conversations. I got a enough responses I think to keep me busy for a bit. It's now a matter of meeting up with someone or not. This is a whole new process for me... why does it feel like high school all over again? LOL... I thought I was too old for that! Thanks again for your encouragement!
Author lostinlove143 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 lostinlove143, Absolutely dip your toe in. Get active in some social clubs, activities where there's mixed company. The gym is a great place. There are many clubs where you can meet people on a casual basis. You can decide if you want to accept a date or not... or just be social able. It appears like you do need some social interaction, date or not. I'm not a big fan of bars, be there are some that have a higher level of people. I met several really nice ladies at the bar and fell in love with one and had a wonderful time with her. But I've met the best ones at the gym or at the pool. There are specific clubs.... skiing, boating, kayaking, hiking, biking, card playing, etc, etc... easy to find, and if you don't like it, easy to just drop out. There's also clubs designed for people to find their mate... singles clubs, just find one that's appropriate for you... age group, interests, etc. You don't HAVE to accept any dates at all, but can get your toe wet and meet some very nice people. Thanks for responding. And yes, I totally agree... Date or not... some social interaction would be nice. I've always heard that the gym is where most people just hookup, it's a meat market, yada yada... and since that's not what I'm looking for, I've avoided most attempts at conversations. Didn't want to waste anyone's time. But it's all in your own perspective I guess... I will change that.
Author lostinlove143 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 It is good to keep in mind that there are many ways a fulfilling life can look like. Yes, there are. I agree. I'm still working on my "plan B/C or D" to live the best I can. I think there will always be some holes that won't be filled and shouldn't, but I still want to make it as fulfilling as I can regardless of whether I'm with someone or not. Thanks for responding. 1
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