Now he thinks I cheated? [HUGE post, read bold... Thanks!]

[sarah_prl]

Hi there, I'm new here, and I'd like to share something...

So... I did something silly. Something I wouldn't normally do, but, dunno, got pushed into it. You can read just the bold if you want! lol

 

One day I was talking with my SO and, I don't remember how it went (he talked about everything sexually), but I confessed I had once made a little sex video with an ex. (I had thought about getting rid of it even but yes I had it locked away somewhere.) He said he'd like to see. I went all "wtf? but... it's with someone else! you crazy?" and all that but he said it didn't matter etc... (He would often like ask questions about other men, past and hypothetical, weird scenarios, and it seemed to bother me more than him... he's pretty sexual, wild, he's detached... so although it was unthinkable for ME, I believed him.) I told him that even if I wanted to show him there was someone else's privacy involved and it wasn't right. He did seem interested and I asked again if he was sure about that. I thought maybe I could just show some screenshots where he couldn't really see much and specially not the guy. But the discussion ended there. It happened some time ago.

Ok did you guys get over the bizarre yet?

 

Now for some background: This guy is only my second partner. So, the guy from that video, was the only one before him. He knows it, I've told him before. (He's had god knows how many, lots, he never told me.) I'm not 17 or 21 anymore, but yeah, I had two partners only, so when this second guy stormed into my life, well, I was pretty virginal for a 20 something lol. I don't know what cheating is, I don't know what a one night stand is, I don't know what sex without feelings is. I just don't, it's not me. And he knows all this... or should...

As expected, I fell for this guy. Hard. I'm his and only his since he first got me, I don't give a damn about other guys, no matter how much I've been hurt here, sometimes I get hit on and I can not get interested one bit, hell even if I wanted to (after all they're not him), and I brush them off everytime, I wouldn't even go on an innocent date alone with some guy as it doesn't feel right to me... We broke up once. After we broke up, I couldn't think about someone else, it still felt wrong! I still remember that a friend asked me to go crash at my place (on the couch!) one night and I refused... Why? Because of a guy I was broken up with! ...like, a month later... -.-'

Guess what thou: He was with someone else. When we were apart. (I found later, he told me, he had had sex with another girl.)

Not me. It's just not me. I couldn't.

 

Back to the story: So the video... I really don't remember when, but I had taken screenshots of it. So a couple days ago I went to get that forsaken old flashdrive where I had that stuff, locked away and forgotten, and I just cropped a few (didn't even touch that old video)... He was being distant and sometimes it seems the only thing that gets his attention is sex! So I thought f*** it and sent him one pic... Out of the blue... Big mistake. Barely anything was visible really (otherwise I really wouldn't send it). But he just knew it was me. I sent it because he had asked thou I'd normally not do that! (Really I'm so mad at myself because I'd normally never do such a thing but I went and did it because of him...) The problem is, he had asked quite some time ago, and I was sending it now out of the blue.

So he had the reaction that *I* thought would be normal, but that *he* had made me believe he wouldn't. And the rest is history...

Obviously I immediately told him the pic was from ages ago...!

 

I explained it was from the video, I reminded him of our conversation about it. I proceeded to explain everything, to own up my mistake, to recognize it was stupid, to apologize,... everything! I told him that, even thou he had asked, that I shouldn't have sent it, that I'd NEVER want him to feel bad things, cheated on, nothing of the sort, that it wasn't my intention, that I sent it just believing he wanted to see, that he had the right to be upset, that I understood, and that I was truly sorry. I eventually went on to say how he was my one and only, my second and last, how I felt, etc.

The next day I went to meet him, uninvited. We talked near his place. He won't look me in the eyes. It hurts. I ask him to communicate with me and he won't. How can something so stupid do this damage... I wish I could go back and unsend it...

Even thou I didn't *do* anything, I feel bad for making him feel bad in any way no matter how no matter what I NEVER want to hurt him, for as much as he could hurt me, I'd always avoid hurting him. That's love I think, my (already hurt) heart hurts at the thought of him hurting.

 

I say and repeat everything that's important, I say he's the one now, that that was years ago... And here's the big problem:

He says, "If you say so!", mad, ironic, doubtful. He's acting and reacting as if the pic was taken now. When so obviously wasn't and I don't even know how he can question that... But I still try to be understanding and all... But now he doesn't trust me. Now he says he doesn't know who I am.

 

Now what?

 

I gave background about me, I didn't think background about the relationship itself is needed, I'm focusing on this issue only, I don't want anything else to matter now... Let's just say that I have come forth before and told him that I loved him, no fear, no expectation, knowing for sure he wouldn't say it, doubting he ever felt it at all. I have communicated and expressed my feelings, whereas he never ever expressed any feeling towards me. (Yeah, I know. Don't judge me.)

 

Now I reassured him as much as I could, but he doesn't want to hear it.

He has been cheated on (I know nothing about it), but I'm not them/her, and I wouldn't do it, I certainly didn't, and I would never want to make him feel like that, would never want to hurt him. But now he's believing that I did... after all I've told him, after all I've done, after all I've showed, after what he should know about me, and how I am, and how I am with sex even... It's really sad that he doesn't trust me, it really hurts that he thinks I would do that... (when he's the only one, he's the one my broken heart beats for...) But I don't want to think about my feelings now, I just want him to not feel that, to believe me, to have the trust in me that he should have, but I don't know how.

 

Now I'm being punished for something that happened ages before I met him... All this mess because of a damn stupid ancient freaking picture that I was damn stupid enough to send, stupid enough to believe he wanted to see, stupid enough to sent it at the wrong time, stupid enough to accidentally make him feel that way. Argh!

If we really break up for good, hell, ok (if he doesn't even love me?!...), what bothers me just too much is to leave him thinking things about me that he should know not to be true. I wish he knew... If he could just look inside my heart he'd know; if only my heart could speak, his heart would no longer doubt, maybe no longer hide.

Ok, enough.

 

If you read all this, you're a saint, and I thank you.

I'm sorry, maybe I just needed to vent...

Edited May 8, 2015 by sarah_prl

[d0nnivain]

What I got out of this is you need to learn to think with your head.

 

First, videos are forever. It breaks my heart that a young virgin would think or be pressured into thinking that it was OK to shoot a sex tape with her 1st lover. The idea of selfies to the extreme. So sad.

 

Second, how do you know your EX destroyed his copy of the video? Yikes.

 

Third, you need to destroy this thing & every screen cap, everything associated with it. Erase it. Take a magnet to it. Drive over it with your car. Gone Gone Gone. Then never speak of it again ever. It will never bring you anything but heartache & grief.

 

Fourth recognize that your relationship with this guy is over, it's irreparably broken. First his desire to see this video at all creeps me out but then again I'm not a Lifestyle person. Second, you two already broke up once. The relationship had problems before you did this. Third he was with somebody else while you were apart even though you were wandering around in the unhealthy obsessive mindset where a friend couldn't even crash on your couch because you thought that was somehow disloyal. Fourth, he doesn't trust you. If he trusted you he would have realized this was from the tape he wanted to see or maybe even that you were with somebody else while you two were broken up but no, he jumped straight to infidelity. Without trust you have nothing. So guess what? you have nothing.

 

Finally on another note, don't say you don't know what cheating or a ONS is. Of course you know the definitions of those words & phrases. While it might not be in your character to engage in those behaviors, to say you don't know what they are makes you sound stupid. From your other prose & level of introspection here you are hardly stupid so please pay attention to how you describe yourself.

Edited May 8, 2015 by d0nnivain

[No Limit]

Honey, please get away from this guy.

 

Fourth recognize that your relationship with this guy is over, it's irreparably broken. First his desire to see this video at all creeps me out but then again I'm not a Lifestyle person. Second, you two already broke up once. The relationship had problems before you did this. Third he was with somebody else while you were apart even though you were wandering around in the unhealthy obsessive mindset where a friend couldn't even crash on your couch because you thought that was somehow disloyal.

 

He sounds like a user; leaving the relationship whenever he finds another female charming enough to bed because he knows you're "too loyal" and won't go elsewhere. And yes, there is such a thing as "too loyal", and considering that your ex wanted a sex tape with you it sounds like the users recognize you pretty well.

 

Be faithful - but don't let men use you for sex and work at home while they can go about partying and messing with other girls once they walk out the door. He doesn't trust you? That's funny - it should be you not trusting him.

[BetrayedH]

Hmm. Well, I think I would just take the approach of being fully open, honest, and transparent. And leave it at that. I would communicate that you have nothing to hide and that you're willing to take steps to prove yourself if that's what he needs. I'd be willing to show him the rest of the tape so he can confirm that the screenshots are from the same. I'd also be clear that once that's done, the tape is being destroyed and frankly, you never want to hear about it again. And I'd verify with him that he understands that he can't unsee what's on the tape so he needs to be sure that he wants to do it beforehand. The fact is that you have done nothing wrong here. You made the tape during a previous relationship and he asked to see it, and got what he wanted. You're willing to prove your fidelity but you're not accepting blame for any of this.

 

I won't otherwise comment too much about this guy or your relationship. It does sound like a one-sided investment and I don't think that's healthy for you. But you haven't said a lot about the relationship so I'll stick to your question about this one trust issue. I think you stick to your guns that you've been faithful and are willing to be honest and open about whatever he needs. And if that's not enough for him, it's his problem.

[autumnnight]

He asked, you've been honest from the start. He wanted to see, you sent him something. Now he's acting like a spoiled ass.

 

There's really nothing more to say. You didn't cheat. You've only had 2 partners. This is his issue.

 

You can do better. Find someone without hangups and baggage from things you never did to him.

[sarah_prl]

Thank you all!

I'm feeling so sick to my stomach right now I don't even know if I can write... *breathes in*

 

 

• First, videos are forever. It breaks my heart that a young virgin would think or be pressured into thinking that it was OK to shoot a sex tape with her 1st lover. The idea of selfies to the extreme. So sad. Second, how do you know your EX destroyed his copy of the video? Yikes.

 

Videos are forever if you don't delete them.

I really appreciate your reply, but I must say it sounds a little close minded there. People do those "tapes" for a variety of reasons, with a variety of feelings. People think too much of virginity, too. I was in control there. I was over 18. We really did love each other. I'm way too insecure yet I was sure that that boy loved me, before he ever even said it. He wanted to shoot one and I said no. He'd say "we'll just watch it and delete it". I still wasn't comfortable so we didn't. It was my call. Then one day we filmed just a little bit, but I immediately deleted it, we didn't even see it. Then one day, after over a year and a half of being together, I was comfortable, and we did film it. Special occasion, special place, happy day, love and lust (and trust) combined, and we did, no problem. My camera, my memory card, my rules. He did not get a copy. I took my camera with me.

Now I could lie and say he never got a copy... But, one day he did ask for it, that he wanted to see it (that he'd delete it after), that he should also see it, blabla, and I could have refused, but I ended up granting him his wish. Still on my terms, only a couple of edited out clips that I felt comfortable with sending him. I made my decision.

[You talk about the "1st lover". What if it was the last too?]

How do I know my ex destroyed it? I know he didn't. (He told me he'd delete it, he told me that he did, but I'm not an idiot and I know he didn't.)

And that's ok. Just like I didn't destroy mine.

 

 

Fourth recognize that your relationship with this guy is over, it's irreparably broken. First his desire to see this video at all creeps me out but then again I'm not a Lifestyle person.

 

What I need to recognize is that my relationship with this guy wasn't there to start with...

I know, me too [crept me out]. But I've learned to try and understand that people are different, feel different, think different, like different things.

 

My "unhealthy obsessive mindset" unfortunately is my fault not his. And it's not like I couldn't do it, it's not like it would be unfaithful I knew it wasn't, but it just wasn't right with me.

I could have been with somebody else, of course. He knew that! Just like he was. (And didn't lie.) We had the same "rights", obviously. We weren't together anymore, period. I just didn't do it. I didn't want to.

(What still upsets and confuses me is the timeline... Just like I never understood how people jump from people to people as fast as some do. But as much as it may be hard for me to grasp, I feel it's another instance of "people think different", it does happen, even when there was love, which is something that I took from friends I've talked with who have done it.)

Obs: That friend did want something with me. Friends have crashed on my couch other times, me being single or not. I have a life, I have friends, I have male friends, and I would never take sh** from a guy who would think or ever suggest I couldn't have.

 

Fourth, he doesn't trust you. If he trusted you (...) Without trust you have nothing. So guess what? you have nothing.

 

I completely agree with you. I really thought he had more trust in me.

That was something that did hit me. That if he doesn't, there's nothing I can do, that if there isn't trust, even if other problems weren't there, there's nothing.

It would be one thing if I had broken his trust and needed to earn it back, but I did nothing to betray his trust. Nope, I don't think I ever gave him a single reason not to trust me.

If anything, I'd have far more reasons not to trust him, not that that should matter. But I really do feel he should know me and trust me better than that.

But precisely sometimes it's really like he doesn't know me at all... like he never listened, never cared, never saw me...

 

don't say you don't know what cheating or a ONS is. Of course you know the definitions of those words & phrases

OF COURSE I know what it is. You do know that's not what I meant, right? I mean I don't know what it is for me, not only never experienced it, as, as you say, it's not in my character, it's simply not how my brain and feelings work... And I do not judge ONS. To each its own. If that's what people want, if it's any good for them, if they're on that page, great. As long as everyone is on the same page, as long as nobody gets hurt, go ahead, live your life your way.

 

- - -

 

 

• He sounds like a user; leaving the relationship whenever he finds another female charming enough to bed because he knows you're "too loyal" and won't go elsewhere.

 

He is a user... And I am a masochist...

He didn't know that. He could have lost me forever. Then he came after me again. (And I didn't know about the other girl yet.)

After that experience, now he may think that, yes.

 

considering that your ex wanted a sex tape with you it sounds like the users recognize you pretty well.

I'm sorry but I do not think those two things are connected.

 

However, following a similar subject but not that connection, ever heard of the dance of the narcissists and the codependents? Yeah... I do see it...

 

Do not compare the two guys, when they are not comparable, nor am I to compare partners. Sure, they did share a couple of flaws, no question there. But the personalities, the experiences, the relationships!, the expression of feelings, the love, the way they treated me, the goals, the way they dealt with some things,... nothing alike.

 

But I want to believe this guy is a good person. This overgrown spoiled little boy with plenty to learn and, I believed, something to give. I always wanted to believe that, inside, his heart was good; battered, scared, but good. ... But what do I know? Sometimes I just wish I had met him when he was young and "innocent" and undamaged. Obviously I can't really know if "damage" is the case or if that's just how he is!... But, unfortunately, people often have, more than "plenty to learn", plenty to unlearn.

 

don't let men use you for sex and work at home while they can go about partying and messing with other girls once they walk out the door. He doesn't trust you? That's funny - it should be you not trusting him.

 

Ah honey let me tell you I am too much of a doormat, and the worst part is I'm aware. But not that, nonono no, I do not want that, I want a partnership, a friendship, someone who goes partying with me (without me too but with me as well), to be in someone's life, in every aspect, and him in mine.

As for that last part... Hah, I know, right?

 

Back to the doormat bit... I made mistakes. I let people treat me badly and it seems like a mistake I can't get back from, that, after a while, can not be fixed. If I did let him believe it was ok to treat me badly, if I taught him he could do (or not do!!!) certain things and I'd be there the next day, his as always, how could/will he ever not treat me badly?

That's right, I know the answer.

How can I ever want the world (to be someone's world who does feel I'm special and does make me feel so), if I show someone they can keep me without even the very basics?

 

- - -

 

 

• Well, I think I would just take the approach of being fully open, honest, and transparent. And leave it at that. I would communicate that you have nothing to hide and that you're willing to take steps to prove yourself if that's what he needs.

 

First of all, thank you for your reply, and for focusing so well on the issue at hand.

I did all that. I thought about what you said next too. And that's right, he can't unsee it and I wouldn't want to make the exact same mistake again.

 

Btw... I said all that, and I asked him what could I do. Several times. What could I do to stop all that. To stop him feeling that, to stop him being upset, to make up for that unpleasant situation, to prove myself as you say, my fidelity... Just "what can I do?" in general.

But he wouldn't say anything, or say something stupid/ mad/ hurtful. Until he finally said something: That if he told me what I could do, and then I did it, it'd be worth nothing, zero. (I paused and then got it.)

I totally understand that but I am sorry it's really really really funny (not), coming from your stereotypical guy who says you gotta say what you want directly (and when I say directly, oh boy do I mean more than directly, trust me)... I've wanted things that I shouldn't have to say, that I shouldn't have to ask, that should be there already, and a few times, I went and, against all reason, said things and asked for things nobody should ever have to (feeling that it wouldn't be the same anymore, not worth the same as he says), but boom I went and said it... and guess what? Still nothing. Also, writing doesn't "count" for some reason...

Coming from a guy like that and a guy who has severe allergy to even just the word "sorry". A guy that so many times I wished would make it up for me, would have a little gesture, would take action, but didn't care to lift a finger and did nothing or the bare minimum.

However, I, am not him, so, I could respect and understand that, but: I'll be damned if I know what else I could do!

I am not afraid of the word sorry. I am not afraid of owning up to my mistakes. I am never afraid to admit I am/was wrong if I was. (I'm really not and really don't understand why people have that problem. I don't give a f*** about being right, what I want to be is happy.) I am not afraid of the several steps of a true apology, which come after blurting out the word "sorry" (some people don't know that, some people just say the word, but him not even that), or even "forgive me"... And in this case as you guys say, it's not even that kind of scenario...

But I went to him, I told him that, regardless of if he had asked for it, I was sorry I had sent it, I truly was (I am), I said that yes it was stupid, I admitted my mistakes, I reassured him, I stated all the obvious things, I held his hand, I said I understood his right to feel upset, I reassured him again, I said I hadn't done anything at all and even would like to prove it in any way possible (thou don't know how...apart from showing him the video and getting him to see it was old...but if he didn't want to believe it he'd probably keep not believing it...), I offered myself to make up/fix whatever, I asked what could I do... So bloody hell I truly don't know what else I could have done or do.

Apart from what, bringing him a girl for him to be with and take pictures with? Obviously (obviously) completely outrageous in every single way for every single reason ever...

 

It does sound like a one-sided investment and I don't think that's healthy for you. (...) willing to be honest and open about whatever he needs.

 

I know... :\

 

I am. Absolutely.

I'm severely allergic to lies. If there was something I wasn't ready to answer (like, talking about past/personal stuff in the beginning of a relationship), I'd say I wasn't ready to answer, as I have done before, but I'd not lie. Truly, I hate lies, deception, betrayal... And if someone asks me a question directly? I literally can not lie. Honesty would never be an issue.

And yes, I would be open with this guy, about anything.

 

- - -

 

 

• He asked, you've been honest from the start. (...) There's really nothing more to say. You didn't cheat. You've only had 2 partners. This is his issue.

 

Indeed... Right you are.

I regret my lapse in judgement and having sent that cursed thing, at that time, no matter what he had said, but, there really is nothing more to say...

 

[Ah it's a shame when the heart doesn't want "better" (it really does but then it doesn't), isn't it?]

 

- - -

 

 

• I know I can sound like a clueless child on my first post, thou by now you've probably understood I'm not.
  

I admit my faults and my mistakes and my flaws. I am aware of things.

 

Regardless of how the relationship was and no matter if it has to end, this situation really bothered me, as it would bother anyone. It is not an end that makes any sense. It can't be his excuse...

 

 

Oh. He supposedly wants to see me... (Thou he'll refuse to use those words...) But, as usual, on his terms, when he wants, where he wants, how he wants. Yes I could write another mile telling you about him... But just an example: Let's say that he was unemployed and that I had a job. I would have to meet all his expectations, he wouldn't be bothered to meet me where I could go (even if that was the only place I could be with him and he just didn't feel like going there), or to adjust to my schedule (if the time I was free wasn't convenient for him or he simply didn't feel like it).

I always offer plenty of alternatives... But sometimes, if he wants to be with me inside the four walls of my room and it can't happen, he can complain all he wants, whereas if I want to be with him doing something somewhere and he doesn't feel like it... well... tough sh**, right?

 

And yeah by now you're all thinking: "Oh he only wants you in bed"

Firstly, I did say "sometimes". Second, that crossed my mind so many moons ago, and I once even thought it and went with it... But then it was more than that... And the thing is: How?! How could that be?? How the hell could someone be with someone they only want like that for so long? How could they do that and feel ok with it? And how, also, could they not want more with someone, whomever? How? How and why maintain that for so long? Yes, long, longer than I'd like to admit, longer than I'm proud of, not 2 months, not 6 months, over a year! And WHY? When he could get sex somewhere else? He could. It would not be that hard, no. Someone hotter even. Someone more *whatever*. Maybe even more often. It doesn't make sense really. I'm good but I'm not that good lol. It would really not make any sense to keep me just for sex.

Of course, I do give him more than that. I did want to give him much more.

(And why not open up to me? What can he still be scared of, when I already did?)

 

Now he says he'd like to just rest and watch a movie with me in peace...

But he's being remarkably inflexible.

Even if I'd want to agree to that scenario, I can't pull a house out of my ass where we can be alone doing that. (Note: He could. So to speak lol. But apparently it has to be where he feels like it for some reason.)

 

- - -

 

 

I don't fall easy. But when I do, I fall hard, I drown, I get stuck to that person, I endure loads of crap, I go blind and dumb and most of all I fight to the bone.

I hope I can change. I hope I never lose the ability to love and to be loved, and that my heart never truly goes sour, but I hope I can learn to stand up for myself and claim what I deserve and not let myself get what I don't deserve, and love only someone who wants to be loved, as well as to love me back. I hope I will still fight for what's worthy, but that I will stop making one-sided investments for people who will never appreciate them, or value me. I am not ashamed or afraid to fight, but I should never fight alone.

 

 

Thank you for reading my novel Holy crap

Edited May 9, 2015 by sarah_prl

[BetrayedH]

Ok, Sunshine. You sound like a marvelous person.

 

And when I said that the relationship might be imbalanced, I was a little off. Good grief. It's way out of whack.

 

I really don't say this very often (like, at all) but I really think you outta just be done with this guy. Whether it's his fault or your own, he's learned to treat you like a doormat. And he doesn't show any signs of changing. I think you've got a perfectly valid reason to walk away from this relationship (a result of his persevering asshat syndrome over this video). This relationship is not healthy for you and it's not going to change. I think you wish him well and walk away with your head held high.

 

I'm not going to beat up on you about how you allow yourself to be treated; you seem to be aware of that (and now you have an opportunity to take action). But I'll share an expression that I heard that resonated with me:

 

Women go into marriage thinking they can change their husbands. Men go into marriage thinking their wives will never change. Both are wrong.

 

Quit trying to change this guy, or help him release his inner good guy, or fix his damage, or whatever it is you think might happen. You're not his mommy or his white knight. See him for who he is and act accordingly. Otherwise, you are staying with him only out of a sense of "hope." It seems to be a wonderful, noble thing. But the reality is that hope equates to exactly nothing. He can take no tangible actions and you can still hope and if that's all you need to stay, then you'll never leave. This is how women end up tolerating battering husbands, because they accept that they don't need anything but "hope" for the man to change. So stop doing that. Step back and take an objective look at his actual actions and tell me if that's who you deserve in your life. Quit grasping at hope and the occassional breadcrumb or that's all you'll get (well, the breadcrumbs will eventually stop, too).

Edited May 9, 2015 by BetrayedH

[sarah_prl]

Thank you.

 

Venting a little more about the initial issue: It really never at all crossed my mind that he would ever think the photo was recent. Specially if I would tell him a hundred times that it wasn't. I never dreamed he would believe such a thing. That's how absurd it was for me.

I mean I still also believe that was an initial shock reaction and maybe eventually he'll get the obvious truth, but maybe not, maybe he really doesn't know me, maybe he'll really never understand the kind of girl he had in his hands, and how she felt about him.

 

What if the situation was reversed?

First, it's not comparable, as I don't think I'd ever so lightly say I'd like to see such a thing... It can't be remotely compared for a variety of reasons... But let's say something similar happened...

If I saw something like that, it'd affect me of course, I'd feel whatever it is I feel when seeing people from an SO's past... I'd be a bit hurt, but not mad really...

And if I'm gonna be perfectly honest... I really believe it'd bother me quite less than if I saw something sweet, a cute photo of them together, doing something fun, maybe with friends, or them doing something I'd like to do, or being somewhere I'd like to have gone with him... That's the (sad) truth. Because those are the things I missed, those are the things he deprived me more of, those would be the things I'd have reasons to be jealous about... 'Cause sex? I had that. Why care if someone else had it before me too? I KNOW he wasn't a virgin, so, duh.

Of course I would not want to see the evidence all up in my face, but, you know... I knew he was far from virgin...

 

Second, imagine he wouldn't show me, imagine I'd be using his computer, and decide to snoop around (which isn't my style..- I remember having full access to my ex's stuff, which I actually didn't want to have, and not snooping -..unless I'd have a reason to be suspicious, and oh a suspicious woman finds everything), and suddenly find some sexual photo... I'd actually assume it was old! I'd not jump to think he had cheated on me.

 

So it's really appalling that this happens...

And I know what people say... that maybe he's the cheater and maybe that's why he gets suspicious and accusing and projective...!

...Yet I still don't think I have reasons to think that. And hell, if I don't, he surely doesn't.

[sarah_prl]

One of the things he said when we were texting, before I went to meet him to try to talk, was (let me try and translate):

"You don't <can't> send me those photos after you stop me from seeing you and not "straddle" me for ages... Enough of those sh** excuses and go take/see blowjobs with other guys"

Ahem. So let's go back... (Get ready for a way too detailed "dear diary")

 

This was Thursday, pic sent Wednesday night. On the Sunday before the last, I was with him, and we did have sex. (Nope not enough for me but there simply weren't more chances in the meantime, as you'll see.) And how was I with him? I went to meet him. After he wouldn't meet me, while I was busy and he was doing absolutely nothing, but didn't feel like going where I was working... We were saying crap via text and I said f*** it I'm gonna go there! And he's the one who says he doesn't like texting, and I had already CALLED and ask him to meet me in that call. But he decided not to. And I decided to leave early and go talk in person.

(Bonus detail: Before that we had been together Thursday also because I insisted a lot - he'd have given up real quick! - and asked him out on the phone and we managed to go to dinner...)

So I met him that Sunday night. And we had sex. Yet before that, I made him set a date with me, for a change. SET A DATE, something almost impossible... I was (unlike him) busy that week so in order to have more time without worrying or rushing I said Wednesday was the best to do something. He said "Ok let's go to *** on Wednesday". Great. Even if we didn't go there, we'd go somewhere, be together.

 

I still invited him to meet me on Monday. Via phonecall. He didn't. I still tried to suggest something for Tuesday. I told him about a cool exhibition temporarily showing somewhere that was even near where I was working, and suggested somewhere where I could get us free drinks afterwards, I said we could go Tuesday or Wednesday; he was interested in the exhibition.

Eventually he said he would maybe go away Wednesday... First "Wednesday or Thursday", then "Wednesday evening", and we STILL talked about meeting anyway (he even asked about the exhibition's opening hours). So we didn't meet Monday or Tuesday, and then Wednesday -when we had SET A DATE- came: and nothing.

He had to go out of town, to which I'm understanding and supportive, so he just left but without as much as a tiny "I'm sorry that I have to cancel". I texted him by 2pm but he didn't reply and it was by 4.30pm that he told me he was leaving at 5pm.

He just completely pretended we hadn't planned meeting, even after he said he was going out of town. Without a courtesy call or text.

 

So he was away Wednesday-Sunday. I HAD TRIED to be with him Monday-Wednesday. He came back Sunday (I didn't know when he was coming) and asked what I was doing that week. I said I had no plans from Wednesday on. (Which probably bothered him.) Yeah, I had something I wanted to do Monday and I had a dinner Tuesday. I told him there was a movie I wanted to see on Monday. Eventually I called him. We talked about stuff, and then I asked if he wanted to come see the movie the next day. He, like 98% of times, replied "Don't know". We went to sleep.

Monday he texts if he can come over. I was sleeping late so didn't reply. Then I text later in the afternoon, then saying I was getting dressed, he asked to where, I told him AGAIN that I was going to the screening... Blabla eventually I asked him if he didn't wanna do anything (I was already not feeling like going, alone - since I hadn't invited anyone else, not that it bothers me going alone - and would go to dinner or something with him instead if he wanted). He said he was busy, that he had made plans already, since he was there annoyed with "nothing to do". I was like thanks for what concerns me - since I HAD invited the previous day...

 

- "Me inviting you = nothing to do. Right." - "I had all day yes"

- "What? Hah. I invited YESTERDAY. Bye." - "And today I didn't hear from you all day."

- "Should try calling. Like I called you yesterday. Like I invited you yesterday. It was you who said 'don't know', it was you who had to say something else. I had no plans with noone earlier so I had no reason to get up; I woke up earlier and then went back to sleep as I was feeling sick. <as he knew> I had asked. You should have called, or asked if I wanted to do something."

 

Tuesday: - "Can I come over?" - "No." - "Ok."

Later from him: ":\" ; "When you want to see me say something... I'm losing patience" (Around 7.30pm)

 

Funny, huh?

 

I had a group dinner (8pm), as he knew, and also the same people ended up planning more stuff in the afternoon before dinner.

I eventually replied kinda lecturing him... Asking if he had invited me to anything at all. And stating that I had. Reminding him he hadn't called again, and reminding him again that I had already told him I had plans two days ago! And thus asking him to explain what the heck was that about... I finished off writing "Nothing happened for you to 'lose' nothing <patience>, and what happened was just as simple as this!!!: you asked if you could go to my house today, I said no. Period." ... He said nothing.

When my dinner was almost over, I texted him asking what he was up to. He didn't reply.

 

I texted him the next morning, Wednesday. I called but he didn't pick up. I texted him sweetly. Not mad. I texted again "Did you pout <I used a word for when people childishly get mad and silent and unresponsive at someone for something> because you couldn't go where you wanted (my place), when you wanted (yesterday despite me already having plans)?" (I also reminded him I had asked him on Sunday to let me know if he wanted to do/plan anything.) I wasn't being upset and I even said "I almost always wake up wanting you, you know?"

He finally replied: "Doesn't look like it." ... -.-'

"Just because you couldn't go to my place yesterday?"

?! Well then, given the huge amount of times he rejected me and my invitations, didn't want anything, said "don't know", simply had plans, or even the number of times I was able to go to his place, imagine how much he wants me! I told him this... I just had to...

Then I added "Btw... Yesterday I had plans in the afternoon and evening, and I simply said you couldn't go to my place, and when dinner was over, I asked what you were doing. But oh well." - "So?"

I proceeded to explain him all the "so"s ... -.-' ... He kept being mad.

The rest is history.

 

So there's the diary

Do I hear another "good grief"?

 

 

Bonus detail: When I say some things, when I'm trying to tell him how I feel, he often accuses me of victimizing myself. I know, huge red flag. There's more, too.

 

Maybe one day he should read all this. Understand the steps to a more than justifiable breakup...

It's funny how you complete strangers care more than he does. If I write him one fifth of this, he doesn't read it.

And where some people would die for closure and reasons (and for tips and help!), he wouldn't read a breakup letter.

Edited May 10, 2015 by sarah_prl

[BetrayedH]

Thank you.

 

Venting a little more about the initial issue: It really never at all crossed my mind that he would ever think the photo was recent. Specially if I would tell him a hundred times that it wasn't. I never dreamed he would believe such a thing. That's how absurd it was for me.

I mean I still also believe that was an initial shock reaction and maybe eventually he'll get the obvious truth, but maybe not, maybe he really doesn't know me, maybe he'll really never understand the kind of girl he had in his hands, and how she felt about him.

 

What if the situation was reversed?

First, it's not comparable, as I don't think I'd ever so lightly say I'd like to see such a thing... It can't be remotely compared for a variety of reasons... But let's say something similar happened...

If I saw something like that, it'd affect me of course, I'd feel whatever it is I feel when seeing people from an SO's past... I'd be a bit hurt, but not mad really...

And if I'm gonna be perfectly honest... I really believe it'd bother me quite less than if I saw something sweet, a cute photo of them together, doing something fun, maybe with friends, or them doing something I'd like to do, or being somewhere I'd like to have gone with him... That's the (sad) truth. Because those are the things I missed, those are the things he deprived me more of, those would be the things I'd have reasons to be jealous about... 'Cause sex? I had that. Why care if someone else had it before me too? I KNOW he wasn't a virgin, so, duh.

Of course I would not want to see the evidence all up in my face, but, you know... I knew he was far from virgin...

 

Second, imagine he wouldn't show me, imagine I'd be using his computer, and decide to snoop around (which isn't my style..- I remember having full access to my ex's stuff, which I actually didn't want to have, and not snooping -..unless I'd have a reason to be suspicious, and oh a suspicious woman finds everything), and suddenly find some sexual photo... I'd actually assume it was old! I'd not jump to think he had cheated on me.

 

So it's really appalling that this happens...

And I know what people say... that maybe he's the cheater and maybe that's why he gets suspicious and accusing and projective...!

...Yet I still don't think I have reasons to think that. And hell, if I don't, he surely doesn't.

 

I honestly think he is feigning being upset about it at this point. I get the initial reaction. But now? He's just keeping you in your place. He likes you downtrodden, apologizing, and coming to him. How's that working for you?

[BetrayedH]

One of the things he said when we were texting, before I went to meet him to try to talk, was (let me try and translate):

"You don't <can't> send me those photos after you stop me from seeing you and not "straddle" me for ages... Enough of those sh** excuses and go take/see blowjobs with other guys"

Ahem. So let's go back... (Get ready for a way too detailed "dear diary")

 

This was Thursday, pic sent Wednesday night. On the Sunday before the last, I was with him, and we did have sex. (Nope not enough for me but there simply weren't more chances in the meantime, as you'll see.) And how was I with him? I went to meet him. After he wouldn't meet me, while I was busy and he was doing absolutely nothing, but didn't feel like going where I was working... We were saying crap via text and I said f*** it I'm gonna go there! And he's the one who says he doesn't like texting, and I had already CALLED and ask him to meet me in that call. But he decided not to. And I decided to leave early and go talk in person.

(Bonus detail: Before that we had been together Thursday also because I insisted a lot - he'd have given up real quick! - and asked him out on the phone and we managed to go to dinner...)

So I met him that Sunday night. And we had sex. Yet before that, I made him set a date with me, for a change. SET A DATE, something almost impossible... I was (unlike him) busy that week so in order to have more time without worrying or rushing I said Wednesday was the best to do something. He said "Ok let's go to *** on Wednesday". Great. Even if we didn't go there, we'd go somewhere, be together.

 

I still invited him to meet me on Monday. Via phonecall. He didn't. I still tried to suggest something for Tuesday. I told him about a cool exhibition temporarily showing somewhere that was even near where I was working, and suggested somewhere where I could get us free drinks afterwards, I said we could go Tuesday or Wednesday; he was interested in the exhibition.

Eventually he said he would maybe go away Wednesday... First "Wednesday or Thursday", then "Wednesday evening", and we STILL talked about meeting anyway (he even asked about the exhibition's opening hours). So we didn't meet Monday or Tuesday, and then Wednesday -when we had SET A DATE- came: and nothing.

He had to go out of town, to which I'm understanding and supportive, so he just left but without as much as a tiny "I'm sorry that I have to cancel". I texted him by 2pm but he didn't reply and it was by 4.30pm that he told me he was leaving at 5pm.

He just completely pretended we hadn't planned meeting, even after he said he was going out of town. Without a courtesy call or text.

 

So he was away Wednesday-Sunday. I HAD TRIED to be with him Monday-Wednesday. He came back Sunday (I didn't know when he was coming) and asked what I was doing that week. I said I had no plans from Wednesday on. (Which probably bothered him.) Yeah, I had something I wanted to do Monday and I had a dinner Tuesday. I told him there was a movie I wanted to see on Monday. Eventually I called him. We talked about stuff, and then I asked if he wanted to come see the movie the next day. He, like 98% of times, replied "Don't know". We went to sleep.

Monday he texts if he can come over. I was sleeping late so didn't reply. Then I text later in the afternoon, then saying I was getting dressed, he asked to where, I told him AGAIN that I was going to the screening... Blabla eventually I asked him if he didn't wanna do anything (I was already not feeling like going, alone - since I hadn't invited anyone else, not that it bothers me going alone - and would go to dinner or something with him instead if he wanted). He said he was busy, that he had made plans already, since he was there annoyed with "nothing to do". I was like thanks for what concerns me - since I HAD invited the previous day...

 

- "Me inviting you = nothing to do. Right." - "I had all day yes"

- "What? Hah. I invited YESTERDAY. Bye." - "And today I didn't hear from you all day."

- "Should try calling. Like I called you yesterday. Like I invited you yesterday. It was you who said 'don't know', it was you who had to say something else. I had no plans with noone earlier so I had no reason to get up; I woke up earlier and then went back to sleep as I was feeling sick. <as he knew> I had asked. You should have called, or asked if I wanted to do something."

 

Tuesday: - "Can I come over?" - "No." - "Ok."

Later from him: ":\" ; "When you want to see me say something... I'm losing patience" (Around 7.30pm)

 

Funny, huh?

 

I had a group dinner (8pm), as he knew, and also the same people ended up planning more stuff in the afternoon before dinner.

I eventually replied kinda lecturing him... Asking if he had invited me to anything at all. And stating that I had. Reminding him he hadn't called again, and reminding him again that I had already told him I had plans two days ago! And thus asking him to explain what the heck was that about... I finished off writing "Nothing happened for you to 'lose' nothing <patience>, and what happened was just as simple as this!!!: you asked if you could go to my house today, I said no. Period." ... He said nothing.

When my dinner was almost over, I texted him asking what he was up to. He didn't reply.

 

I texted him the next morning, Wednesday. I called but he didn't pick up. I texted him sweetly. Not mad. I texted again "Did you pout <I used a word for when people childishly get mad and silent and unresponsive at someone for something> because you couldn't go where you wanted (my place), when you wanted (yesterday despite me already having plans)?" (I also reminded him I had asked him on Sunday to let me know if he wanted to do/plan anything.) I wasn't being upset and I even said "I almost always wake up wanting you, you know?"

He finally replied: "Doesn't look like it." ... -.-'

"Just because you couldn't go to my place yesterday?"

?! Well then, given the huge amount of times he rejected me and my invitations, didn't want anything, said "don't know", simply had plans, or even the number of times I was able to go to his place, imagine how much he wants me! I told him this... I just had to...

Then I added "Btw... Yesterday I had plans in the afternoon and evening, and I simply said you couldn't go to my place, and when dinner was over, I asked what you were doing. But oh well." - "So?"

I proceeded to explain him all the "so"s ... -.-' ... He kept being mad.

The rest is history.

 

So there's the diary

Do I hear another "good grief"?

 

 

Bonus detail: When I say some things, when I'm trying to tell him how I feel, he often accuses me of victimizing myself. I know, huge red flag. There's more, too.

 

Maybe one day he should read all this. Understand the steps to a more than justifiable breakup...

It's funny how you complete strangers care more than he does. If I write him one fifth of this, he doesn't read it.

And where some people would die for closure and reasons (and for tips and help!), he wouldn't read a breakup letter.

 

Same response as my previous post. He wants you making the arrangements; he'll approve them at his convenience. And regardless of how inconvenient it might be for you, it should be convenient for him. It'd nickname him Caesar.

 

I don't know what you're getting out of this relationship.