DC77 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I know there will be many that want to reply, and input is always appreciated, but I'm looking more specifically for thoughts from others dating or married to military... I'm dating a combat soldier. He has been through over 20 combat missions but is now transitioning into the retirement track. Our relationship is pretty new and I didn't go through his deployments. He is a genuine person with a lot of integrity, which seems to be rare these days. And he has some other really great qualities. But he has some not so great either. He can be moody, shutdown, and distant. He doesn't talk much about personal feelings and has issues trusting... I know he trusts me. He's been away for 2 months now and he doesn't question me. And I don't question him. He is a man of his word. But he can also be negative and overly critical. It can be draining. I'm a pretty positive person and even though he doesn't reveal much to me, I know I provide an element of caring and stability for him. Most of the time it's not an issue. I'm a giver. And though I can't fathom being in combat, I have some pretty traumatic things in my life that I've overcome. So I do have some level of understanding and compassion for his experiences and resulting behavior. Where it is becoming problematic is when I can't support the both of us. I have stressful things in my life at times as well and he's not there for me. It is very much about him... I know when times are tough it's natural to want to focus on yourself. Perhaps it's even a survival mechanism. I'm not trying to complain by any means. But I am trying to evaluate if this is a relationship I can maintain for the both of us. Whether this is short term while he heals. Or if this will be how it is for the long haul. Does anyone have experience like this to share? Did your soldier ever heal? Were they ever able to become a supportive partner? Kind regards and thanks much for your input.
Emilia Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 It doesn't sound like he is receiving any sort of counselling and I doubt that he will make great progress by himself. Ignore the fact that he is in the military. Just look at him as a man. He clearly has issues like everyone else. Can you live with those or not? that's the question. Those guys know how to talk up integrity and I'm sure he is decent but at the end of the day he is just another man you have to be compatible with to be in a relationship. Also, in my experience people are drawn to certain types of jobs naturally, maybe his preference is for distance which is why he stayed in that institution for so long. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Popsicle Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I know there will be many that want to reply, and input is always appreciated, but I'm looking more specifically for thoughts from others dating or married to military... I'm dating a combat soldier. He has been through over 20 combat missions but is now transitioning into the retirement track. Our relationship is pretty new and I didn't go through his deployments. He is a genuine person with a lot of integrity, which seems to be rare these days. And he has some other really great qualities. But he has some not so great either. He can be moody, shutdown, and distant. He doesn't talk much about personal feelings and has issues trusting... I know he trusts me. He's been away for 2 months now and he doesn't question me. And I don't question him. He is a man of his word. But he can also be negative and overly critical. It can be draining. I'm a pretty positive person and even though he doesn't reveal much to me, I know I provide an element of caring and stability for him. Most of the time it's not an issue. I'm a giver. And though I can't fathom being in combat, I have some pretty traumatic things in my life that I've overcome. So I do have some level of understanding and compassion for his experiences and resulting behavior. Where it is becoming problematic is when I can't support the both of us. I have stressful things in my life at times as well and he's not there for me. It is very much about him... I know when times are tough it's natural to want to focus on yourself. Perhaps it's even a survival mechanism. I'm not trying to complain by any means. But I am trying to evaluate if this is a relationship I can maintain for the both of us. Whether this is short term while he heals. Or if this will be how it is for the long haul. Does anyone have experience like this to share? Did your soldier ever heal? Were they ever able to become a supportive partner? Kind regards and thanks much for your input. Honestly, from what I can tell, being with a soldier is all about 100% sacrifice and giving. So basically you have to love that man (and your country!) to death and be ready to get very little of what you need as a woman in return. He won't be physically present or emotionally present (PTSD) and clearly they aren't rich either. It's amazing to me that they aren't more grateful to their wives for staying with them. I am grateful to them for their service though.
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 My husband is a Marine veteran. I didn't know him on active duty. Front line combat guys are not in touch with their emotions. You may get I'm hungry, tired, sore, or angry but that is about it. They do like structure. While my husband doesn't always understand my emotions I gave him some specific guidelines to follow: Rule # 1 when I'm crying, hug me. I explained to him that he doesn't have to understand why I'm crying. My tears don't have to make sense to him. Her certainly doesn't have to fix it but he has to put his arms around me & let me cry. He said, great I can do that & he does. There are support services for families. As a GF you aren't really family yet as defined by the government which simply just doesn't have the money to help you, but there are chat rooms & other OL forums for GFs. Take advantage of those. If you know any of his buddies wives & GFs take some time to bond with them. 1
Gaeta Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Ex military wife of 15 years here. Each time my ex-husband came back from a mission the base would brief us the wives on how to handle our husbands. Their advice was to be patient, understanding, and to NOT try to probe them about their experience oversea. First because wives aren't accredited psychologist to do so and husband's aren't going to share their inner thoughts with you anyway. They know you won't understand. I notice you say in your post you've been through some tough experience in your life and you can understand, please don't tell him that. Your stuff may be dramatic but has nothing to do with his stuff and suggesting you can understand him while you weren't there would be diminishing his experience. I must add, not saying it's your boyfriend's case, but there is also a HIGH level of domestic violence in the army. I hope you know what to do if ever he resorts to aggressiveness with you. I found myself 4 times in women's shelters in my 15 years of marriage with a military man. Those shelters were out of base in secret places. Most of the time the shelter was filled with military wives.
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I agree with Gaeta. Do not tell him you understand. Unless you have been in combat you don't understand. The closest I have ever come is I told my husband if he needed to talk I would listen. Something he saw on TV triggered something in him. he told me a little. When I realized it was still bothering him I suggested he call another Marine buddy. That really did help. We get together with the Marines every year & all the wives agree that their husbands have been sooooo much better since we started doing this because they now have an outlet. They have guys who were there. They can grieve for the ones who didn't come home. Combat changes a person. The best you can do is learn his triggers & be vigilant for them. DH doesn't do well in crowds so I try to pay attention to his body language. If I see the tension building, we'll go grab a coffee or duck into a store to browse. He's not much of a shopper but getting him that space without pointing it out that is what I am doing really seems to help. Do not push. If you feel unsafe, get the heck out of there but don't play arm chair psychologist. You can gently ask if he has somebody to talk to. 2
smackie9 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Ya never ever compare your life's struggles to combat, you def don't have a clue what the trauma it has on a person's psyche. It's so bad, the suicide rate, domestic violence, the crimes committed is all from the psychological damage from combat. It's recognized as a mental illness and for some it's a life time of therapy. Never ever place yourself in any kind of relationship where you feel you should "FIX" them.....it's unhealthy. You are doing yourself and them more harm than you think. I agree, get out, and let the professionals and is family take the responsibility.
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I agree, get out, and let the professionals and is family take the responsibility. I don't think it's bad yet just different because she's learning how to deal with his reintegration home which can be a challenging transition. At this point in their new relationship he seems to be deployed away from her in a non-combat roll. Maybe it's the distance she's worried about?
Author DC77 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Thank you Ladies for your responses. They are very informative a helpful. I try to be cognizant about not trying to "fix" him. I know that's not my place. I didn't realize I was doing damage by saying I understand. I know I can never understand combat but we share other life experiences that are similar such as transitioning in our careers, comradery, and leaving behind a life with purpose. I don't talk about it too much but I have tried to use it to relate. Sometimes it has brought us closer. Other times it has distanced us for a day. I know he wants to move on from military life. He wants to have someone to love and love him and have a normal life. We are just caught in that transition phase of coping. He was seeing a therapist and I could see the difference on the days he did. As I mentioned, he's been away for almost 2 months now in training, which means he is not getting his therapy or the things that he enjoyed here. I know he is not happy where he is and it's almost over. I just never seem to know what to say. We text a lot so I don't get all the voice and body cues so one day he could be excited to share what he did with me and I'll say that's awesome! And everything's great. Another day I could say the same thing and he can't say anything nice about himself and gets irritated with me. I just try to be consistent and the stable one for him. And he has thanked me on different occasions for having patience with him. He has told me he appreciates the things I do and recently sent me a funny meme that said I was awesome don't change, keep it up... And I should mention he has never shown any violence towards me or others. He does know about himself that he ruined a relationship being emotionally abusive. He is also aware that this is why I left a 10 year relationship (he was air guard and it was over 4 years ago). He knows I'm a no bull**** kind of woman and my tolerance for that is zilch. When he's here I can really see him making an effort... I'm just struggling with what to say. Like I said, I don't try to fix him in any way. I'm trying to be supportive. I just don't know what to say. ESPECIALLY on those rare occasion where out of the blue he starts talking about combat memories. He's done this twice. I could see it was something he needed to let out in that moment and I encourage him not to bottle it up, I just didn't know what to say in the moment. Again, thank you ladies for your helpful insight and encouragement. It is very much appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Be up-beat & newsy. Tell him local fluffy things that happened. For example some lady from around here was on a national game show last night. You can & do understand some things, just not combat.
Gaeta Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I'm just struggling with what to say. Like I said, I don't try to fix him in any way. I'm trying to be supportive. I just don't know what to say. ESPECIALLY on those rare occasion where out of the blue he starts talking about combat memories. He's done this twice. I could see it was something he needed to let out in that moment and I encourage him not to bottle it up, I just didn't know what to say in the moment. You don't need to say anything he just wants you to listen. Give him all of your attention when he opens up and simply say you cannot even imagine what that was like and you are very sorry he had to go through this. 2
Gary S Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 A lot of savvy women won't date military or police. They have a higher likelihood of having issues, like narcissism or shell-shock. If you'll date people who have less problems than you do, you'll be a lot better off.
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Not all Veterans are a train wreck. There are brave people who understand loyalty, sacrifice and honor. The majority cope with civilian life just fine, thank you very much. 1
Author DC77 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Thank Gary S for your input. Though I appreciate it I will not go that route. Everyone has issues and problems. I've dated some men, especially in the 30-40 range that have had more issues and emotional baggage from an ex girlfriend than some of the "shell shocked" soldiers I know. And I know plenty of soldiers that have adjusted perfectly fine to civilian life. I work for a defense contractor and except for a few of us civilians, they are retired combat soldiers, and perfectly good people. I'm sure it wasn't easy for them and that's the gray area I'm trying to get beta on and understand... And being savvy is irrelevant to me. It does take a special and strong type of woman to be a military wife or girlfriend. It's not for everyone. I am not the type of person to take the easy way out. I see the value in people and am not quick to cast people aside for their shortcomings. What I'm trying to evaluate is if we can make it in the longterm. Which is why I'm here, listening to others' experience and stories. And learning so I can make an informed decision.
Carm Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 My ex was in the Special forces and had severe PTSD. I think depending on what your bf's experiences were will affect his overall mental health. My ex dealt with a lot of hand to hand combat so therefore, he was an extreme case. Like some of the girls said, listen don't ask, he may not want to talk about those experiences. Good luck should you decide to pursue this relationship. For me personally, I would never become involved with a Soldier....of course this would also depend on what their experiences were.
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