My GF is "relationship bipolar"

[yxalitis]

Let me explain...

 

I don't mean literally bi-polar, she is a very calm, even tempered person.

I am referring to an aspect of her personality that has always been difficult for me to accept.

Most of the time, she is a wonderful, sexy, passionate, affectionate, caring person. I would say 95% of the time.

We have been together 9 months, and the one thing that always causes a fight is when she goes into this state of mind.

...sometimes she gets in this odd mood.

An example, she has twice spent a few weeks in her home country.

All her life-long friends and family live there, and she has a wonderful lifestyle, going out all the time, etc.

 

I stayed home, just visiting her for a week or so.

 

We text each other pretty much constantly, updating me as to her activities, sending photos, etc.

She would often tell me that she missed me heaps, etc.

On her return, both times, she goes into this state of mind.

The first time I picked her up from the airport after an absence of a couple of weeks, and I try and kiss her. She pushes me away "can't you give me space?"

She just had two weeks "space!"

 

But now I get it...I think...

 

She is basically upset/conflicted about leaving her country, family etc.

Or something else occurs that places her into this mood.

 

But her coping mechanism is where I have an issue.

 

You see, if I was in that situation, upon my return I would be embracing my partner, using that relationship to help me get over the sadness of leaving my country.

 

But not her.

 

She basically, goes into an isolated state, she pushes me away, not wanting to engage with me in any meaningful way.

She will cuddle, but only the most cursory attempt, a light kiss on the lips is a possibility, and she will sleep in another room.

She will also do this after a fight, but I guess that’s a more understandable, and normal behavior.

 

But this rejection can last a week…or two! she slooowly comes around.

She just tells me she needs space.

Needs “a few days to settle”

And that I simply have to accept it.

Her words:

 

“I know you were excited that I’m back, but I’ve no mood so can you please let me be free for little bit.

OK if you just asking I will say I wish to be free minded not stressed that you are waiting for me day and night

Just be yourself. .. go with the flow. .. if you feel tired please don't wait for me

That stresses me

I would love to be with you but the way you act really stresses me out.

I try to be calm and not to react to anything, but you always just push me.

Anyway. .. I just hope you can relax most of the time”

 

The first time, I asked her why she was behaving this way.

 

The very fact that I wasn't happy, caused her to spiral into a more and more isolating pattern.

The more I acted unhappy about her utter rejection, the worse she got.

 

It is now the second time this has occurred after a trip, and I have decided to try and accept it.

 

For me, I have missed her for weeks, all I want is to hold her, cuddle her in bed, make love, talk to her…be…normal.

Instead I still sleep alone, feeling worse now because I now she is just in the other room…”settling”

 

I will jump in here right now and tell you categorically: NO SHE ISN’T SEEING ANOTHER MAN.

Some of you will be tempted to reply back with that response, tell me I’m fooling myself, etc.

I am not going to explain how I now, other than to tell you I trust her, and I’m not stupid.

 

But I am posting this to ask…have you known a person like this?

What do you do, is this ever going to change?

I really have no choice…I either accept this part of her, or we fight over it repeatedly and possibly break up.

 

She has promised after the last big fight that she would show me some compromise, and not totally ignore my feelings.

 

My friends think she is being incredibly selfish, only focusing on her needs, and ignoring mine.

 

Opinions welcome, except ones that start “she’s seeing someone else”

 

Thanks!

[neowulf]

People process grief / stress differently;

 

See;

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

 

Basically, under periods of stress... she's pulling back inside herself to deal.

Some people do this. It's just how they're wired.

 

Kind of reminds me a little of this kind of behaviour;

What Do I Do When My Man Goes To His Cave? | Mars Venus

 

"When a man tells you he needs some "me" time or time and space to himself, you shouldn't take it personally. Your response should simply be, "Ok. That's great. Enjoy your time and I will be here when you come back."

 

With the breakdown of traditional general roles, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if your girlfriend is wired a little like the guys in the above example.

 

When she's stressed out, she pulls away and wants time on her own to process what's going on.

 

There's nothing to be fixed. She can't force herself to respond in the way you want, so you basically have to be patient and wait her out.

 

You're not going to force her out of this by becoming needy and anxious. You need to stand firm and secure in the knowledge that when she's ready, she'll be back.

Edited May 8, 2015 by neowulf

[yxalitis]

Thanks, that's a great response...!

[El Pallasso]

"We text each other pretty much constantly, updating me as to her activities, sending photos, etc."

 

That's your problem right there. Texting a woman constantly doesn't give her the time and space for her to miss you. This helps to generate attraction in her. When you are constantly telling her what you are doing and what you are up to, you destroy any aura of mystery around you.

 

"The first time I picked her up from the airport after an absence of a couple of weeks, and I try and kiss her. She pushes me away "can't you give me space?"'

 

This is not very respectful of her. The women might try to tell you differently but imagine if the genders were reversed.

 

How would the woman feel if her boyfriend turned her affections after they'd been away for two weeks.

 

She is not bipolar. She simply does not respect you because you because you are too available and at hand.

[yxalitis]

"We text each other pretty much constantly, updating me as to her activities, sending photos, etc."

 

That's your problem right there. Texting a woman constantly doesn't give her the time and space for her to miss you. This helps to generate attraction in her. When you are constantly telling her what you are doing and what you are up to, you destroy any aura of mystery around you.

 

"The first time I picked her up from the airport after an absence of a couple of weeks, and I try and kiss her. She pushes me away "can't you give me space?"'

 

This is not very respectful of her. The women might try to tell you differently but imagine if the genders were reversed.

 

How would the woman feel if her boyfriend turned her affections after they'd been away for two weeks.

 

She is not bipolar. She simply does not respect you because you because you are too available and at hand.

No, SHE texts ME.

But, yes I am very "available"

At my age, I thought I was past playing games like that...not a freakn' teenager anymore.

But, thanks for your input...not saying I don't agree

[Redhead14]

Let me explain...

 

I don't mean literally bi-polar, she is a very calm, even tempered person.

I am referring to an aspect of her personality that has always been difficult for me to accept.

Most of the time, she is a wonderful, sexy, passionate, affectionate, caring person. I would say 95% of the time.

We have been together 9 months, and the one thing that always causes a fight is when she goes into this state of mind.

...sometimes she gets in this odd mood.

An example, she has twice spent a few weeks in her home country.

All her life-long friends and family live there, and she has a wonderful lifestyle, going out all the time, etc.

 

I stayed home, just visiting her for a week or so.

 

We text each other pretty much constantly, updating me as to her activities, sending photos, etc.

She would often tell me that she missed me heaps, etc.

On her return, both times, she goes into this state of mind.

The first time I picked her up from the airport after an absence of a couple of weeks, and I try and kiss her. She pushes me away "can't you give me space?"

She just had two weeks "space!"

 

But now I get it...I think...

 

She is basically upset/conflicted about leaving her country, family etc.

Or something else occurs that places her into this mood.

 

But her coping mechanism is where I have an issue.

 

You see, if I was in that situation, upon my return I would be embracing my partner, using that relationship to help me get over the sadness of leaving my country.

 

But not her.

 

She basically, goes into an isolated state, she pushes me away, not wanting to engage with me in any meaningful way.

She will cuddle, but only the most cursory attempt, a light kiss on the lips is a possibility, and she will sleep in another room.

She will also do this after a fight, but I guess that’s a more understandable, and normal behavior.

 

But this rejection can last a week…or two! she slooowly comes around.

She just tells me she needs space.

Needs “a few days to settle”

And that I simply have to accept it.

Her words:

 

“I know you were excited that I’m back, but I’ve no mood so can you please let me be free for little bit.

OK if you just asking I will say I wish to be free minded not stressed that you are waiting for me day and night

Just be yourself. .. go with the flow. .. if you feel tired please don't wait for me

That stresses me

I would love to be with you but the way you act really stresses me out.

I try to be calm and not to react to anything, but you always just push me.

Anyway. .. I just hope you can relax most of the time”

 

The first time, I asked her why she was behaving this way.

 

The very fact that I wasn't happy, caused her to spiral into a more and more isolating pattern.

The more I acted unhappy about her utter rejection, the worse she got.

 

It is now the second time this has occurred after a trip, and I have decided to try and accept it.

 

For me, I have missed her for weeks, all I want is to hold her, cuddle her in bed, make love, talk to her…be…normal.

Instead I still sleep alone, feeling worse now because I now she is just in the other room…”settling”

 

I will jump in here right now and tell you categorically: NO SHE ISN’T SEEING ANOTHER MAN.

Some of you will be tempted to reply back with that response, tell me I’m fooling myself, etc.

I am not going to explain how I now, other than to tell you I trust her, and I’m not stupid.

 

But I am posting this to ask…have you known a person like this?

What do you do, is this ever going to change?

I really have no choice…I either accept this part of her, or we fight over it repeatedly and possibly break up.

 

She has promised after the last big fight that she would show me some compromise, and not totally ignore my feelings.

 

My friends think she is being incredibly selfish, only focusing on her needs, and ignoring mine.

 

Opinions welcome, except ones that start “she’s seeing someone else”

 

Thanks!

 

 

She has promised after the last big fight that she would show me some compromise, and not totally ignore my feelings. -- You have communicated your needs, she has acknowledged them and has offered to compromise. That is a healthy response. Now, you need to sit back a little and see if she delivers on her promise. If she doesn't, then you'll need to consider moving on.

 

And, you may just be seeing the affects of jet lag and getting back into the swing of things back home. I agree that having to sleep in another room is extreme though.

 

The question I have is do things return to normal after a day or so? If this attitude lingers for a while after her return, there may be more going on.

 

The more I acted unhappy about her utter rejection, the worse she got. -- Of course, you're harping on it and being clingy. You expressed your needs, she did acknowledge them. But, you need to back off. If you pressure it, she will pull away more and the next time she comes back she is expecting that reaction again and bracing for it. It becomes a cycle.

[yxalitis]

Update.

@redhead

It is now 6 days. Still not sleeping with me.

It's not jet lag, the time difference is only 2 hours.

 

Today we went out for dinner, she was affectionate, holding hands, cuddling, very happy.

That night she stayed up late applying for work, as she wants to get a place closer to her daughter's school. I helped her with her resume and cover letter, then I went to bed, as it was late, she wanted to keep looking.

When she finished, she just went straight to the other room.

To me, if you love someone, and have been away fir do long, you WANT to be with them.

I simply don't understand her.

Edited May 8, 2015 by yxalitis

[Gary S]

Always date women who love you more and don't have deal-breaking mental issues and you'll have a lot smoother ride.

[neowulf]

Update.

@redhead

It is now 6 days. Still not sleeping with me.

It's not jet lag, the time difference is only 2 hours.

 

Today we went out for dinner, she was affectionate, holding hands, cuddling, very happy.

That night she stayed up late applying for work, as she wants to get a place closer to her daughter's school. I helped her with her resume and cover letter, then I went to bed, as it was late, she wanted to keep looking.

When she finished, she just went straight to the other room.

To me, if you love someone, and have been away fir do long, you WANT to be with them.

I simply don't understand her.

 

Ok, this post set my teeth on edge.

 

Man, I know you don't want to entertain the idea... But I suspect something happened on her last trip home. With another guy. I don't know how serious, but serious enough that after a 2 week break away from you, she's not interested in being intimate.

 

In any case, I'd sit her down and explain to her calmly that she needs to explain what's going on, because this situation isn't working for you. If she's evasive, then you've basically got your answer.

 

Sorry man, but this post... Her behaviour really triggered a gut reaction in me. Hope I'm wrong

[yxalitis]

Ok, this post set my teeth on edge.

 

Man, I know you don't want to entertain the idea... But I suspect something happened on her last trip home. With another guy. I don't know how serious, but serious enough that after a 2 week break away from you, she's not interested in being intimate.

 

In any case, I'd sit her down and explain to her calmly that she needs to explain what's going on, because this situation isn't working for you. If she's evasive, then you've basically got your answer.

 

Sorry man, but this post... Her behaviour really triggered a gut reaction in me. Hope I'm wrong

I have to ask...did you even read mu post?

[El Pallasso]

Of course you don't understand her. Reading your future posts will be like waiting for a train crash. This will be interesting.

 

She doesn't admire or respect you. Unfortunately, you're too smitten to see this.

[soyou]

I'm a woman and from my perspectivs, she's slowly showing that she's not into you anymore for 2 reasons:

 

1) she seems to not care so much about you or your feelings. The way she talks to you is pretty much careless and disrepectful. It's all about how she feels and what she needs ( based on your quotes of all what she said)

 

2) space - men and women are the same. The moment you ask for a space in a relationship, deep down something is up ( either you find something/behaviors disturbing in relationship which you dont like, or you slowly realize that the person is not really what you want)

[yxalitis]

Thanks everyone, I broke up with her.

 

My last message: Quotes are from her texts to me:

 

“U don’t even know "LOVE" is support each other to achieve their goals”.

 

How is asking you to sleep with me “not supporting” you?

Where is YOUR support for ME and MY needs??

No where.

 

Imagine you stayed in my bed Saturday night.

Would that have stopped you applying for jobs?

No

Would that have made me incredibly happy?

Yes

Would we have avoided that big fight?

Yes

So what stopped you?

Why couldn’t you do that?

 

Love is to support each other, yes.

It is also to show respect for each other’s feelings, and to act with them in mind, not just yourself.

Since you come back, you only think about your needs. You think this is OK.

 

What you have really shown me is that you have no respect for me.

The things you say:

I am immature

I am impatient

I need to do my own things and not worry about the fact that my partner isn’t sleeping with me at all for weeks on end.

Without respect there can be no love.

 

“Go to find a dumb woman who just lying on your shoulder at all times”

There is a big difference between “All the time” and “Not for weeks and weeks on end”

 

This is my entire point. You go from “All the time” to “Not at all” with compromise.

 

When I broke up with you, and put your stuff out, I wasn’t intimidating you, or bluffing.

I was, and am, very serious.

You just laugh and think I’m trying to trick you.

That I could never leave you, because I love you too much.

 

You are wrong.

 

These last few days have opened my eyes to you.

 

You say you love me, but if this is your love, it’s not enough.

No women I have ever known feels the need to be alone so much.

As I keep saying, not just for a day here and there, but days and days in a row.

If that is you, then that’s fine.

I need more from my partner.

I don’t want a part-time love.

I don’t want my partner to criticise me for not supporting her, and then offer no support, respect, time, or consideration back.

You take everything you need from this relationship.

My time

My support

My help with Sharon

My love

Sex, when you want it

And all I ask in return is for you to respect me, to understand my feelings, and to compromise, and spend some time with me, to sleep with me at least one night.

But you simply won’t.

 

You would rather break up than support ME and understand and respect MY needs.

 

This is it now. Enough.

 

I will not wait another two weeks for you to decide I’ve been a good boy, and to grudgingly come to me.

 

How insulting to say “You can’t try and tempt me”

 

Whatever happened to “go with the flow”

“Just relax and let things happen”

But not you, NO, you set the rules and that is that.

 

What if we did have sex? What if you did get tempted, is that a bad thing is it to have sex for the first time in over a month and a half?

 

I have already arranged to see some flats.

I will move out very soon, I will pay next month’s rent, but that is it.

[todreaminblue]

Update.

@redhead

It is now 6 days. Still not sleeping with me.

It's not jet lag, the time difference is only 2 hours.

 

Today we went out for dinner, she was affectionate, holding hands, cuddling, very happy.

That night she stayed up late applying for work, as she wants to get a place closer to her daughter's school. I helped her with her resume and cover letter, then I went to bed, as it was late, she wanted to keep looking.

When she finished, she just went straight to the other room.

To me, if you love someone, and have been away fir do long, you WANT to be with them.

I simply don't understand her.

 

 

That night she stayed up late applying for work, as she wants to get a place closer to her daughter's school. I helped her with her resume and cover letter, then I went to bed, as it was late, she wanted to keep looking.

When she finished, she just went straight to the other room.

 

 

 

as soon as she is stressed she withdraws.......as another poster said that is how she is wired......the stress of finding a job, her daughters schooling made her anxious and stressed......so she shut you out...its not really productive for you but it is for her......

 

when i am stressed i need solitude......i need to gather myself together.....enough to handle stressors successfully....and it takes a little time...my family accept when i need space i need space...doesnt mean i love them less....and i always come back....i need that space to cope and recharge...but i need my family to come back to....if i dont recharge and center myself....it isnt pretty....i get sick...my immunity goes to sucksville...and i am affected in many ways.....mentally i am not stable if i dont take time out...even if it is just a room i retreat to ...it is my room and my time............so in my experiences and opinion

 

 

give her space when she needs it..recognize stressors...new job...new school for her daughter....returning home knowing she has a lot to do.......and dont take it personally is my suggestion.........deb

[yxalitis]

as soon as she is stressed she withdraws.......as another poster said that is how she is wired......the stress of finding a job, her daughters schooling made her anxious and stressed......so she shut you out...its not really productive for you but it is for her......

 

when i am stressed i need solitude......i need to gather myself together.....enough to handle stressors successfully....and it takes a little time...my family accept when i need space i need space...doesnt mean i love them less....and i always come back....i need that space to cope and recharge...but i need my family to come back to....if i dont recharge and center myself....it isnt pretty....i get sick...my immunity goes to sucksville...and i am affected in many ways.....mentally i am not stable if i dont take time out...even if it is just a room i retreat to ...it is my room and my time............so in my experiences and opinion

 

 

give her space when she needs it..recognize stressors...new job...new school for her daughter....returning home knowing she has a lot to do.......and dont take it personally is my suggestion.........deb

Yes, but two weeks?

[Gottabestrong]

I think you did the right thing breaking up with her, she obviously does not feel the way you do.

 

It might be her coping mechanism that pushes her away when she misses home or is stressed, but not everybody has that mechanism, in fact whenever I return from a trip home I am very eager to spend time with my boyfriend. A) because I have missed him and B) because it distracts me from missing my family and friends.

 

You need to find someone who wants to be with you and can't wait to see you again when you are apart, and would not dream of sleeping in a different room for weeks!

 

Good luck!

[Redhead14]

Update.

@redhead

It is now 6 days. Still not sleeping with me.

It's not jet lag, the time difference is only 2 hours.

 

Today we went out for dinner, she was affectionate, holding hands, cuddling, very happy.

That night she stayed up late applying for work, as she wants to get a place closer to her daughter's school. I helped her with her resume and cover letter, then I went to bed, as it was late, she wanted to keep looking.

When she finished, she just went straight to the other room.

To me, if you love someone, and have been away fir do long, you WANT to be with them.

I simply don't understand her.

 

Yep, 6 days is over the top. It seems that she is not emotionally invested enough in the relationship. The inconsistent nature of it is odd.

 

You two just may not be suited for one another. I'd consider moving on from this. She did acknowledge and promise to address your concerns and needs, but has not made much of an effort to keep her promise. That tells me she simply was giving you lip service and had no intentions of making a change. If someone doesn't try to accommodate your needs, they don't care about them.

[BlueIris]

I think it’s good you broke up. It wouldn’t have worked because you two have very different needs for space and togetherness.

 

It sounds as though you’re living together and that you’ve been together 9 months. I don’t know when you started living together- or why- but living together in less than 9 months would have been way too fast for me, especially when there are children involved who are part of the dynamic.

 

I’m a lots-of-space person and the only time I was with a lots-of-togetherness person, it was awful for both of us. He felt starved and I felt suffocated. The gap got wider and wider as we each sought to meet our needs. The two just don’t mesh.

 

But there are plenty of each type and everything in between. The vast majority of men I’ve been with have had the same or similar space/togetherness needs and it works SO MUCH better. Find your type first before you live together.

Edited May 12, 2015 by BlueIris