male insight: girl to fill void of ex

[mimiMobile]

Hi,

 

My ex and I were together for 3 years. I'm in my late 20s, he in early 30s. At the end of 2014, I dropped it on him that I will be moving out after living together for 2 years because of several factors but the biggest one was because I wanted to get married and had made myself a deadline, which I needed to re-evaluate by physically removing myself from the house. Anyway, at the time it made sense in my head and I made it clear we were still together.

 

After I moved out, he got very moody and distant and then said it was a slap in his face, that we are taking a step back and that he is now angry with me.

 

Long story short -- I find out now that about 2 weeks after I moved out and we were still together, he had his crossfit / gym person sleeping over on a regular basis. I only found out about this today through other means than him. He's been keeping it very quiet and has made up stories in the past about the mysterious car, etc.

 

I'm trying to wrap my head around this whole void thing. Because he told me he felt like I abandoned him and that he never stopped caring or loving me -- why then would a man go and jump into bed almost immediately after? Please help me understand. As a woman, he is still the last person I've had sex with and it's been almost 4 months for me. Yes, I have a sex drive but I can't imagine being with anyone unless I have very strong feelings for them.

 

Ex and I have been back and forth lately - it's just a stupid dance I've abandoned and have gone NC.

 

Back to my question - can someone chime in on the notion of filling void / rebound, etc.? They are still sleeping over together but have not gone public. It's giving me a really weird feeling. Now it is not my business but because he started this relationship while we were together I am trying to make sense of this...

[minime13]

It's a method of seeking comfort. It's kind of immature and never does anything good in the long run, but it's an immediate source of comfort. It is exactly what you stated - filling a void.

 

I've done it before - most people have - but usually people wait until after they break up. He didn't. So, time and space are a part of any relationship and he couldn't commit to that. It may be hard to digest, but it's better to find it out now before down the road.

 

I assume that maybe you've felt there were problems before this, and that weighed on your decision to move out. Taking a step back can be damaging to a relationship, but staying in one when there are problems can be just as damaging. It's a tough call to make, but it certainly shows you where the two of you stand.

 

Sorry this happened to you. He reacted in a way that could help him mask his anger and hurt about taking a step back. It was the wrong reaction, and pretty unhealthy, but it happens.

[Mrin]

Honestly, you seem like a very controlled person. That probably translated into your relationship with him. When you chose the premptive move out (but still being very clear with him that you were still together - what an odd way to phrase it), he probably saw the handwriting on the wall and banging a girl from the cross fit box seemed like a perfectly sensible thing to do - because it is so whimsical and not logical. Call it rebellion. Call it being free to sow his wild oats. Call it whatever - it probably made sense because it so didn't make sense to you.

 

The other thing to remember is that we men can separate sex and emotions far easier than most women.

 

One last thing - I'm not condemning you for what you did. All I am saying is that you tried to change the nature of your relationship (maybe for good reason) and he didn't play along. That happens and all you can do now is maybe consider how you might have handled it differently.

 

Best of luck and don't get too wrapped around the axel about your ex's sex life. It is his life now. Let him be.

[minime13]

It's a method of seeking comfort. It's kind of immature and never does anything good in the long run, but it's an immediate source of comfort. It is exactly what you stated - filling a void.

 

I've done it before - most people have - but usually people wait until after they break up. He didn't. So, time and space are a part of any relationship and he couldn't commit to that. It may be hard to digest, but it's better to find it out now before down the road.

 

I assume that maybe you've felt there were problems before this, and that weighed on your decision to move out. Taking a step back can be damaging to a relationship, but staying in one when there are problems can be just as damaging. It's a tough call to make, but it certainly shows you where the two of you stand.

 

Sorry this happened to you. He reacted in a way that could help him mask his anger and hurt about taking a step back. It was the wrong reaction, and pretty unhealthy, but it happens.

 

I just realized you wanted male insight - I'm not a male, but I hope this sheds a little insight.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

A woman moving out to "figure herself out" is extremely comforting, a sign all men look for when deciding on a marriage partner...

 

You acting that way instead of sitting down and talking about it was probably a red flag for him (unless you did sit down and talk, idk). That kind of behavior doesn't provide confidence in a lasting relationship if one person is going to temporarily jump ship at the sign of trouble in the relationship. He probably had a moment of "well, my relationship is already screwed..." and went reckless. He may have also been emotionally involved with his cross fit buddy previously and saw this as an opportunity to pursue that. Whatever his reason may be, I don't think he wants/thinks your relationship with him will go the long haul.

[mimiMobile]

A woman moving out to "figure herself out" is extremely comforting, a sign all men look for when deciding on a marriage partner...

 

You acting that way instead of sitting down and talking about it was probably a red flag for him (unless you did sit down and talk, idk). That kind of behavior doesn't provide confidence in a lasting relationship if one person is going to temporarily jump ship at the sign of trouble in the relationship. He probably had a moment of "well, my relationship is already screwed..." and went reckless. He may have also been emotionally involved with his cross fit buddy previously and saw this as an opportunity to pursue that. Whatever his reason may be, I don't think he wants/thinks your relationship with him will go the long haul.

 

We talked about it. Several times. Basically, I had made it clear at the beginning of the relationship that my comfort level of dating was the 2 year mark. Arbitrary deadline, forgot where I picked up, but it stuck with me. So when 2 year mark came and went and there was no talk of engagement, I got uncomfortable. By the end of the year, I sat down and asked him to give me at the minimum a plan -- if he is serious about marrying me, tell me your criteria or things we need to get done before there is a ring. He saw that as me busting out a power move and basically said he shouldn't have to persuade me to stay.

 

I moved out due to a combo of things. That being the major one. But also he became a police officer and we began working opposite shifts. His free time went to either sleeping or other hobbies. I don't mind but when relationship is suffering and needs attention and care, I do begin to feel unappreciated and unloved. There was a point where (tmi) I was going down on him and looked up only to see his eyes glued on the TV. Or after having sex I wanted to cuddle but he "had" to go help out the contractors outside (I wanted 2 minutes cuddle time). Moments like that -- I felt invisible and unappreciated.

 

That is why I moved out. I thought by moving out, we would actually have to make plans to spend quality time together and remember why we fell in love in the first place instead of constantly bickering about not spending enough time together.

 

As soon as I moved out I realized it was a mistake. I turned around with an apology and asked to come back. Unfortunately, that is around the time the girl popped up and he decided he was too angry about my move out to let me back in and that he had to conduct soul searching.

 

4 months later, I've been driving myself literally insane, while he's been filling the void. Go figure. I had no idea how he had it that easy. Every time I've seen him since, he's told me how he loved me and how life was hard. I couldn't figure out what was so hard about life. Oh. There's another girl. OK. Now it makes sense.

 

I'm just disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for losing a great man that I truly loved and cared for and went about solving our issues the wrong way. I'm disappointed he gave up on me so easily and didn't chase or pursue me after the move out or didn't accept me back.

 

I'm so tired of beating myself up every single day for my mistakes. The worst of it is I don't think this is the worst of it. I think this is going to keep sinking in and I'm going to keep realizing what a stupid and awful thing I did was when I moved out. I have no idea how to remedy this.

[backandforth]

I'll just be blunt and say that you should've just broken up. If he's not on the same page as you, I don't see how moving out would've changed that. Either you want the same things or you don't, and it's not fair on either of you to expect the other person to bend to someone else's wishes.

 

Male perspective: He's doing two things.

 

One: yes he is filling the void. I'm currently doing the same thing (I'm the dumpee). I feel zero romantically but I like the company and having sex with different women is fun. Minime13, I don't think it's immature, I have a sex drive and I wanna use it while I still can!

 

Two: he's getting back at you/calling your bluff. Now that is immature, but when we've been hurt, we'll look to hurt back. No one wins in this situation but it happens nonetheless.

 

Hope this has helped some

[NoLeafClover]

This is what I think

For one I will give you credit that you did not jump to anyone else to fill the void.

I totally dislike the way you did things with your so and leaving like that seems and is very selfish. It looks like you weren't sure what you wanted but the fact that you stayed loyal for 4 months it shows that deep inside you still want to be with him.

 

The situation with the other girl is terrible and not right and frankly I can't give excuses when two people are together and one is cheating..but we're you really together though? I mean it's one thing when two people argue and there is another when the partner just ups and leaves you ...cause she wants to find herself.

I can see what your so means by feeling abandoned and that he never stopped loving you. He probably was caught off guard about many things and when you actually left... it kind of put a cap on things and made it more real.

 

This new girl is just a fling. Something new he just happened to run into and made it happen. I can tell you this is because he is finding a way to deal with everything as terrible as that sounds. People do this all the time. They rebound and screw around before going back to normal.

 

The thing is, the relationship will never be the same and it had ended when you left. I truly never understood why people make a time line for marriage. If two people are happy and someone needs more time then why not wait longer. People stay together and never marry for 10-20 years..or a lifetime.

If you love the person why put an ultimatum? Cause once you leave now it looks like you are doing it to find someone else that is better. No guy wants to be in that position or even feel like their so will be looking for his replacement if the ultimatum is not met.

Either way that it's your business ...how or when you feel the right time to get married is your call but I can tell you this is not something you can salvage by just a few coffee drinks so to speak.

 

If you go back you will not get over him sleeping in the same bed with the gym girl and he will never get over you leaving him like that. He will never trust you as you will not trust him again. You will fight and make up non stop. It takes 2 grown people to work on something of this level and frankly it sounds like you are were not sure yourself since you just decided to leave and it wait.

 

As much as I hate to see people not get together, I would say stick to your original plan as this one is not salvaged.

 

Good luck.

[dangerbang]

You can't really read into it too much. The relationship is over so his intentions and feelings at the moment really should be of no concern to you. You're only hurting yourself. Analysis paralysis.

 

On a side note, I think I might join a crossfit club, there's one around the corner from my job...

[minime13]

I'll just be blunt and say that you should've just broken up. If he's not on the same page as you, I don't see how moving out would've changed that. Either you want the same things or you don't, and it's not fair on either of you to expect the other person to bend to someone else's wishes.

 

Male perspective: He's doing two things.

 

One: yes he is filling the void. I'm currently doing the same thing (I'm the dumpee). I feel zero romantically but I like the company and having sex with different women is fun. Minime13, I don't think it's immature, I have a sex drive and I wanna use it while I still can!

 

Two: he's getting back at you/calling your bluff. Now that is immature, but when we've been hurt, we'll look to hurt back. No one wins in this situation but it happens nonetheless.

 

Hope this has helped some

 

Both are pretty immature. You ( and I have done the same) can rationalize it however we wish, but when it comes to either giving time and space in a relationship, or doing the right thing in ending it, he chose to do neither and jump into bed with someone. That's immature. I'm not agreeing with the approach that was taken by the OP, but two wrongs don't make a right. They had not yet broken up, and he cheated. That's immature.

[ManyDissapoint]

Hi,

 

My ex and I were together for 3 years. I'm in my late 20s, he in early 30s. At the end of 2014, I dropped it on him that I will be moving out after living together for 2 years because of several factors but the biggest one was because I wanted to get married and had made myself a deadline, which I needed to re-evaluate by physically removing myself from the house. Anyway, at the time it made sense in my head and I made it clear we were still together.

 

After I moved out, he got very moody and distant and then said it was a slap in his face, that we are taking a step back and that he is now angry with me.

 

Long story short -- I find out now that about 2 weeks after I moved out and we were still together, he had his crossfit / gym person sleeping over on a regular basis. I only found out about this today through other means than him. He's been keeping it very quiet and has made up stories in the past about the mysterious car, etc.

 

I'm trying to wrap my head around this whole void thing. Because he told me he felt like I abandoned him and that he never stopped caring or loving me -- why then would a man go and jump into bed almost immediately after? Please help me understand. As a woman, he is still the last person I've had sex with and it's been almost 4 months for me. Yes, I have a sex drive but I can't imagine being with anyone unless I have very strong feelings for them.

 

Ex and I have been back and forth lately - it's just a stupid dance I've abandoned and have gone NC.

 

Back to my question - can someone chime in on the notion of filling void / rebound, etc.? They are still sleeping over together but have not gone public. It's giving me a really weird feeling. Now it is not my business but because he started this relationship while we were together I am trying to make sense of this...

 

Your story gave me the willies.

 

We were together 2.5 years, 2 of which living together. I was early 32 and she was 25. She suddenly decided to move out and back to our home country. After we had been planning to do it together. She was very clear as well that we were still together and that she was commited to me. She was lying.

 

I was unable to process the emotions I was feeling, and part of that was denial. Basically what my instict was telling me was that she was breaking up with me and covering her tracks and packing her parachutes. My instinct turned out to be correct.

 

When you packed up and changed the terms of the relationship unilaterally, that was basically breaking up with him. Actions speak louder than words. I wish I had done as your ex did honestly. I should have axed her that moment. Although he should have broke off the relationship first before getting with the other lady.

 

EDIT: After my breakup my ex accused me of going out immediately and finding other women. I'm not that type of person and 6 months later I'm still grieving the loss of that relationship. The first 3-4 months I was just a ball of despair. There absolutely IS a void and a temptation to glom onto the first thing that allows you to. But a little introspection tells you that's not healthy. Me personally the idea of being with any other woman made me sick for months after.

Edited May 8, 2015 by ManyDissapoint

[mimiMobile]

Appreciate all of the insights, thanks.

 

Look, at the time of my move out I truly felt I had no other option. What's done is done at this point, I understand. I have one last question. If this was to happen to you, a girlfriend you love move out on you and then change her mind, I would imagine you'd treat the situation similarly as any other betrayal - eg cheating or lying.

 

For some, it is a deal breaker. For others, there are ways to remediate. I think you know where I'm going with this.

 

The whole sleeping with the girl thing, honestly I can deal with. My dad always explained to me about men and their sexual appetites and given the circumstances, it's something I'm willing to overlook. But from my side, other than an apology, is there anything else I can do? If someone is full of regret and their heart is still filled with love for the other person, is there nothing else that can be done?

[Mrin]

But from my side, other than an apology, is there anything else I can do? If someone is full of regret and their heart is still filled with love for the other person, is there nothing else that can be done?

 

My gut says no. I probably would advise against an apology even unless you haven't apologized already. Maybe a single apology and then a fare thee well and go No Contact.

 

In his mind he just came out of a heavy serious relationship with you. He's out having fun, being a cop, banging his cross fit buddy. That's not heavy. To him even your apology will feel heavy. But maybe you need to do it.

 

If he is going to come back you need to go NC. I wouldn't go NC expecting him to come back though. If he is going to come back it is going to be because something happens in his life - probably his career - that he wants to share with you all of a sudden. And you're not there - because you're NC. And he all of a sudden feels alone.

 

Like I said - don't expect or even hope for that. You go NC for you - to move on. That's what I would do - work on moving on. Let the cards land where they may...

[Tone Loc]

I can definitely relate to this. While I was still with my girlfriend, I was still seeing two other women on the side. Not because I didn't love my ex, I loved her so much and she was very important to me. But I was trying to replace her, plus as a man I have needs. And I felt there was quite a bit of resentment and ill feelings between me and her, which led me to pursue other women. When she found out she went crazy, thinking she wasn't enough for me and that I was cheating but it's not like that. It's impossible for a man to be satisfied by just one woman, so when a man seeks out another woman, it doesn't reflect on you or on the relationship. It's perfectly possible to love and care about and want someone while still sleeping with other women. It might sound ridiculous to most people but that's the way it is, well at least for me. So it's up to you to decide if you want to be involved with a man like that, you have the right to walk away of course if you feel like you can't handle this. But it's not a betrayal of trust, he's not turning his back on you or anything. Men have needs, and if you're not there to satisfy his needs he will go to another woman. I can almost guarantee that his involvement with this other woman means absolutely nothing, as is often the case. It's probably purely just a physical thing, there's no emotion, passion or attachment there. It's just him needing some company and companionship, you did decide to move out after all and he perceived that as you distancing yourself, in his mind he felt abandoned and he probably resented you a little bit for what you did.

[stillafool]

April and May are the worse months to break up with someone if you think you may want them back. Spring has sprung, winter clothes are coming off and people want to mingle. It's all the better if you are single. Like Mrin said he's having the time of his life right now without pressure so I doubt very much he will want to come back. Learn to never break up with someone unless you absolutely mean it. You gave him an out and he ran for it.

[towch]

We talked about it. Several times. Basically, I had made it clear at the beginning of the relationship that my comfort level of dating was the 2 year mark. Arbitrary deadline, forgot where I picked up, but it stuck with me. So when 2 year mark came and went and there was no talk of engagement, I got uncomfortable. By the end of the year, I sat down and asked him to give me at the minimum a plan -- if he is serious about marrying me, tell me your criteria or things we need to get done before there is a ring. He saw that as me busting out a power move and basically said he shouldn't have to persuade me to stay.

 

I moved out due to a combo of things. That being the major one. But also he became a police officer and we began working opposite shifts. His free time went to either sleeping or other hobbies. I don't mind but when relationship is suffering and needs attention and care, I do begin to feel unappreciated and unloved. There was a point where (tmi) I was going down on him and looked up only to see his eyes glued on the TV. Or after having sex I wanted to cuddle but he "had" to go help out the contractors outside (I wanted 2 minutes cuddle time). Moments like that -- I felt invisible and unappreciated.

 

That is why I moved out. I thought by moving out, we would actually have to make plans to spend quality time together and remember why we fell in love in the first place instead of constantly bickering about not spending enough time together.

 

As soon as I moved out I realized it was a mistake. I turned around with an apology and asked to come back. Unfortunately, that is around the time the girl popped up and he decided he was too angry about my move out to let me back in and that he had to conduct soul searching.

 

4 months later, I've been driving myself literally insane, while he's been filling the void. Go figure. I had no idea how he had it that easy. Every time I've seen him since, he's told me how he loved me and how life was hard. I couldn't figure out what was so hard about life. Oh. There's another girl. OK. Now it makes sense.

 

I'm just disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for losing a great man that I truly loved and cared for and went about solving our issues the wrong way. I'm disappointed he gave up on me so easily and didn't chase or pursue me after the move out or didn't accept me back.

 

I'm so tired of beating myself up every single day for my mistakes. The worst of it is I don't think this is the worst of it. I think this is going to keep sinking in and I'm going to keep realizing what a stupid and awful thing I did was when I moved out. I have no idea how to remedy this.

 

Firstly: The Marriage:

I am a guy in my late 20's. You have to understand that there are different people in this world. I have had the marriage talk with soo many girls and i gave it to them straight (maybe your Ex didnt because he was scared of losing you).I am always in a relationship for they long haul, I know i will get married but for Gods sake do not ask me when. One thing i don't do is the marriage ultimatum, you cannot CANNOT put that on a person. Isn't it suppose to be a time that both parties agree. I believe that is something you have to feel (from a guys point of view) naturally no guy wants to be strapped that why we need to feel it to do it (that light bulb turns on and he say's "this is the girl i want to spend my life with") nothing beats that than the schedule wedding. He will never be happy with that. I wonder to myself what actually changes when you put the ring on?

 

Secondly: The Void:

It is totally normal, i am going the same right now and to be honest it has helped a great deal. I feel nothing emotionally, i haven't even had sex with her. It helped bring my confidence back because this girl is way hotter than my Ex, atleast i know it wasn't my looks lol. We do this, it takes our minds way from the pain. Now people are fast to say he was emotionally cheating, i will just give my experience. NO ONE HERE CAN TELL ME THAT THEY HAVE ONLY FOUND THEIR S/O ATTRACTIVE. I have this attractive coworker i know is attracted to me but the difference is that i put no stock in it, i keep it moving. Now my Ex left me i can choose to pursue her. People could quickly say i was emotional cheating but that's not the case, there just happen to be someone easy to grab at the time.

 

 

Finally:

If i was in your Ex shoes i would feel immense pressure (I don't take marriage lightly). It is a huge step and for some people 2 years isn't a long time. i was in a relationship for 3 and look what happened lol.

 

Ultimately walking down the aisle is just a blimp on the radar at the end of the day except for photos and memories it doesn't do much else. It should be at a point where both parties are excited for it.

[towch]

April and May are the worse months to break up with someone if you think you may want them back. Spring has sprung, winter clothes are coming off and people want to mingle. It's all the better if you are single. Like Mrin said he's having the time of his life right now without pressure so I doubt very much he will want to come back. Learn to never break up with someone unless you absolutely mean it. You gave him an out and he ran for it.

 

I agree with the bolded statement but disagree with the time of his life. Just like me he might not be feeling anything emotional. I've had sex with girls i was not emotional with and once the sex was done i just wanted to bail (in case you are wondering i never bailed, that's just disrespectful) because that's all it was "sex" its great but not enough.

 

Its a substitute not a replacement at least for now why his feelings are still with the Ex.

[elaine567]

You were feeling unloved and unappreciated and unsexy. He was making no effort in this relationship and you wanted that ring on your finger. What do you actually "love" about him anyway? Sounds like he was not that great a bf.

He was just stringing you along and when you made a move to get him to show how much he cared, he sure did that, by replacing you almost immediately with his crossfit buddy.

 

IMO, he was just not that into you anymore and to tell the truth you probably did him a favour by moving out.

He is now off the hook, (marriagewise) and can be single and have casual sex whenever he likes, or this "buddy" may be someone he has liked for a very long time, do not assume she is just a f*ck bddy, she may not be.

 

Do not swallow that "men have needs" claptrap, that is just justification for cheating and screwing around.

Save your love for someone who really wants you, and deserves you.

 

If you want to get married and have kids, do not waste your time with people like this, who obviously do not really want you and are most likely just using you.

[mimiMobile]

You were feeling unloved and unappreciated and unsexy. He was making no effort in this relationship and you wanted that ring on your finger. What do you actually "love" about him anyway? Sounds like he was not that great a bf.

He was just stringing you along and when you made a move to get him to show how much he cared, he sure did that, by replacing you almost immediately with his crossfit buddy.

 

IMO, he was just not that into you anymore and to tell the truth you probably did him a favour by moving out.

He is now off the hook, (marriagewise) and can be single and have casual sex whenever he likes, or this "buddy" may be someone he has liked for a very long time, do not assume she is just a f*ck bddy, she may not be.

 

Do not swallow that "men have needs" claptrap, that is just justification for cheating and screwing around.

Save your love for someone who really wants you, and deserves you.

 

If you want to get married and have kids, do not waste your time with people like this, who obviously do not really want you and are most likely just using you.

 

Unfortunately, this forum allows me to shed light on so much. I'm putting the magnifying glass on our issues, but I wouldn't be this stressed out or distraught if it wasn't worth fighting for. He was a great boyfriend, but showed it in his own ways. He carried us both financially, even though I made more money. He wanted me to pay off my student loans and emphasized the importance of being credit free, which I learned from him. Last year, he took me to Japan on his own dime to visit my home town. Believe me, he's been great. But as you may know, when you begin living with someone, you begin to overlook a lot and your needs change.

 

I think your last sentence was harsh. But again, I understand you are basing it off of limited knowledge of our relationship. I didn't and continue to feel that I was not used. We had a huge unfortunate event that was miscommunicated and it blew up in our face.

 

Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, but I always thought if two people loved each other and one of them made a mistake and came clean about it and asked for forgiveness, love could eventually come through. My heart breaks because in this case, it seems hopeless.

[towch]

You were feeling unloved and unappreciated and unsexy. He was making no effort in this relationship and you wanted that ring on your finger. What do you actually "love" about him anyway? Sounds like he was not that great a bf.

He was just stringing you along and when you made a move to get him to show how much he cared, he sure did that, by replacing you almost immediately with his crossfit buddy.

 

IMO, he was just not that into you anymore and to tell the truth you probably did him a favour by moving out.

He is now off the hook, (marriagewise) and can be single and have casual sex whenever he likes, or this "buddy" may be someone he has liked for a very long time, do not assume she is just a f*ck bddy, she may not be.

 

Do not swallow that "men have needs" claptrap, that is just justification for cheating and screwing around.

Save your love for someone who really wants you, and deserves you.

 

If you want to get married and have kids, do not waste your time with people like this, who obviously do not really want you and are most likely just using you.

 

I don't know but this sounds a bit harsh if you ask me.

 

The only way i can justify her leaving is if he said:

1. I don't or not sure if i ever want to marry

2. I am not sure about you as marriage potential

 

The fact that someone wants to get married after 2 years in a relationship doesn't mean the other person has to want that too. The only fault i could see in him is not telling you who won't be ready in 2 years.

 

She said she still made it clear they were in a relationship now if i was the guy this is how i would see it.

1. She has reached her mark in the relationship

2. It is either i comply and get marriage ball rolling or she will leave.

3. I cannot comply with her request because i am not ready, that leaves her only one option which is to leave me.

4. She has left and it will only go downhill from here.

 

There are certain things you can compromise in life, marriage is not one of them. Ask those people who married because they were forced.

 

Now this other woman:

I think it would have been proper if the relationship was officially ended before all this. What he did wasn't cool, on the other hand it is uncool to suggest that he was messing around before the breakup.

[elaine567]

Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, but I always thought if two people loved each other and one of them made a mistake and came clean about it and asked for forgiveness, love could eventually come through. My heart breaks because in this case, it seems hopeless.

 

Yes, that is the myth we are all fed - love conquers all - but it doesn't take into consideration the fact that we are human and we all have our own issues and agendas.

 

The past is the past, he may have adored you in the past, He may have done some kind things.

BUT he is no longer that man. He is the man that thought his buddies and his hobbies were more important than you, he is the man that watched TV whilst you were giving him a BJ, the man who didn't want to marry you, the man who let you leave, the man that didn't think it necessary to fight for you and the man who almost immediately slept with his crossfit buddy and refused to give you a second chance.

 

Those are not the actions of someone who is into you, sorry.

[MovingOnIsHard]

Unfortunately, this forum allows me to shed light on so much. I'm putting the magnifying glass on our issues, but I wouldn't be this stressed out or distraught if it wasn't worth fighting for. He was a great boyfriend, but showed it in his own ways. He carried us both financially, even though I made more money. He wanted me to pay off my student loans and emphasized the importance of being credit free, which I learned from him. Last year, he took me to Japan on his own dime to visit my home town. Believe me, he's been great. But as you may know, when you begin living with someone, you begin to overlook a lot and your needs change.

 

I think your last sentence was harsh. But again, I understand you are basing it off of limited knowledge of our relationship. I didn't and continue to feel that I was not used. We had a huge unfortunate event that was miscommunicated and it blew up in our face.

 

Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, but I always thought if two people loved each other and one of them made a mistake and came clean about it and asked for forgiveness, love could eventually come through. My heart breaks because in this case, it seems hopeless.

 

I think you need to stop putting your ex on a pedestal and see things the way they are. Fact is, you two are done and he's gone and slept with another girl. You dont really know what he's relationship is with this girl.. And it's irrelevant whether he's sleeping with this girl to fill a void or not... What's important now is what YOU feel about it. You have needs too, not just him.

 

Also, love is not enough to hold a relationship. If you're not on the same page, it's not going to work out in the long run.

[mimiMobile]

I think you need to stop putting your ex on a pedestal and see things the way they are.

 

It's easier said than done because I always find excuses for people when they let me down. I don't know how to switch gears and knock him off the pedestal.

 

I'm feeling kind of irritated today rerunning through some memories. Like when I showed up unannounced back in January and her car was in the driveway and he wouldn't let me go upstairs (I assume she was in the bedroom). Our photos were still up in the house. I don't get how a woman would enter a man's home and bedroom while another woman's photos are all over the house. It's so bizarre to me. Like how do your feet step one after another as you walk through the house that is clearly decorated by another female?

 

We got into an argument that morning because of me being there and I remember screaming I love you to him and trying to hug him through tears. She must have heard it all and still kept coming back. I'm just completely confused. Putting myself in her shoes... I just don't get it.

[Mrin]

I think you need to stop putting your ex on a pedestal and see things the way they are. Fact is, you two are done and he's gone and slept with another girl. You dont really know what he's relationship is with this girl.. And it's irrelevant whether he's sleeping with this girl to fill a void or not... What's important now is what YOU feel about it. You have needs too, not just him.

 

Also, love is not enough to hold a relationship. If you're not on the same page, it's not going to work out in the long run.

 

This. OP - not sure if you are still reading this thread but if you are, consider this:

 

Perhaps breaking up with him was the right thing to do. I know it doesn't seem like it right now but I think you have a touch of the WantWhatYouCantHave-itis. It doesn't sound like the relationship was progressing and you certainly weren't finding it fulfilling. Maybe it is better to just have this in the past.

 

People are in our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime. I think this guy might have been a "season" person. You are ready to move to the next step. He isn't. That's okay. Different priorities. Doesn't mean that you can't look back and cherish the good times but perhaps, just perhaps, you two out grew each other.

 

If I were you I would move on.

 

Last bit of advice: I said in my first response to you that you are a controlled person. You remind me of one of my best friends. She's a planner. She's a manager. She craves order and progression. She had a spreadsheet that she used to map out her life. When to get married. When to buy a house. When to have kids. It all made sense and was perfectly logical. And she followed it and did it. Achieved all goals. But in the end, she realized that she didn't love her husband and he didn't love her. She's now happily divorced and one thing she said was that all of her planning in some ways set her up for disappointment. So just consider stepping back a bit and leaving things a bit more un-defined, more organic. And see what happens. You can always re-engage the controlled portion of you at any time.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[MovingOnIsHard]

It's easier said than done because I always find excuses for people when they let me down. I don't know how to switch gears and knock him off the pedestal.

 

I'm feeling kind of irritated today rerunning through some memories. Like when I showed up unannounced back in January and her car was in the driveway and he wouldn't let me go upstairs (I assume she was in the bedroom). Our photos were still up in the house. I don't get how a woman would enter a man's home and bedroom while another woman's photos are all over the house. It's so bizarre to me. Like how do your feet step one after another as you walk through the house that is clearly decorated by another female?

 

We got into an argument that morning because of me being there and I remember screaming I love you to him and trying to hug him through tears. She must have heard it all and still kept coming back. I'm just completely confused. Putting myself in her shoes... I just don't get it.

 

Yes, i agree it's easier said than done. I had to swallow that pill too when i had to move on from my ex 6 months ago. Talking to a therapist might help you sort out your emotions and help u move on.

 

I cant help but feel moved by your story; i can somehow relate.

 

Dont worry too much about the chick... Honestly if i was in her position, i'd be turned off by the situation and leave him. Wouldnt mess between two recently broken up people. Then again, he could have been feeding her lies to make her comfortable.