jefermelesyeux Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I've always told myself that my dating cap would be ten years my senior. I'm 24, so hypothetically I'd limit myself to dating someone no older than 34. But recently, I've met and gotten into a relationship with someone who's 22 years older than me- he'll turn 46 in June. I had reservations in the beginning, due to the age difference as well as the fact that he lives three hours away, though the latter isn't a problem. But he's really blown me away from the beginning; we've connected on a level deeper than I've ever experienced and I'm incredibly attracted to him. I'm not necessarily looking for reassurance or validation here- I'm very happy with what we've got going. But I'd like to hear from those of you who've been in/are currently in relationships in which there's a relatively substantial age gap. What were your biggest obstacles? Was everything great? Did you struggle? Etc. My brother keeps reminding me that he wishes my boyfriend were younger. While it's not his life and his opinion shouldn't matter, I do care to an extent what my immediate family will think of the age difference, especially if things keep going the way they are and become serious. SO, on that note, your thoughts? Please bare in mind that we're a gay couple and neither of us want kids, so that doesn't factor in to the disparity being a problem.
yxalitis Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 My girlfriend is 36, I'm 49 this year. It's not a problem if you don't think it is. Are you happy? Great, that's all that matters really. 1
gaius Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 The biggest problem is always exactly what you mentioned. Getting both people comfortable with the sometimes negative reactions you're gonna get from those around you. =/ The whole "I'm holding you back" nonsense you sometimes get from the older partner is no fun either. But in general age differences don't really effect the relationship itself that much. 1
Author jefermelesyeux Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 The biggest problem is always exactly what you mentioned. Getting both people comfortable with the sometimes negative reactions you're gonna get from those around you. =/ The whole "I'm holding you back" nonsense you sometimes get from the older partner is no fun either. But in general age differences don't really effect the relationship itself that much. I'm not too worried that he's gonna drop the 'I'm holding you back' bomb on me. One of the very first things I made sure I asked him the night we met was if the age and/or the distance would be a problem. He's dated around my age (and even younger) in the past, so I don't think it's a problem. :-) 1
minime13 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I used to have the rule of ten and three; no more than ten years older and no more than three years younger (I'm a woman). A year and a half ago, I met a guy when I was out, and we talked for a bit. A few months later, we ran into each other again, and decided to go out one night. That night we went out, we clicked. It felt so easy and natural to get to know him that night, and we spent hours talking about pretty much everything. There was an instant bond that I've never felt before. Then I found out he was 9 years younger than me. It definitely made me hesitate, and I felt like it probably wouldn't go anywhere. But, along the way, we both found amazing partners in each other, and have found something special that neither of us have had before. There have been hurdles, and the age difference has definitely been a catalyst in some of those, but I'm really glad that my own rules didn't stop me from pursuing this. I think an age disparity is a little different for men, so it may not be scrutinized in the same way. I'm not sure. What we've decided has been to take it slow and let the relationship grow before meeting family. I think that, when there is an unconventional age difference, sometimes you may have to prove the seriousness of the relationship a little more than when there isn't one. Outside of that, if you're happy, and he's happy, then that's what really matters.
Penguin_hugs Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I don't think age per se is the issue- but maturity is As long as you are on the same page about life priorities etc then there doesn't have to be an issue. I have a friend who married at 21 to someone 34 but their life priorities were both get married asap and have a bunch of kids. My BF is 27 and I'm 22, yet neither of us are looking for marriage and kids immediately/ if at all, so it works 1
jen1447 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I was going to say much the same thing as Penguin. If both parties are reasonably mature, age isn't really a big deal. That means a 40 year old and a 60 year old could do fine. BUT, please don't take this the wrong way OP, but 24 is still young and not fully mature. (I don't think you really become an 'adult' comprehensively until about 30. That doesn't mean you're a child, it just means you've got to field a few more of life's challenges before you get there. /end granny speech. ) Anyway that means that 24 and 46 are a lot further apart than 34 and 56, see what I'm saying? In that sense, it might not be the best idea. I think generally 20s should date other 20s, and then 30s and up it's okay to do whatever. (That's a general guideline - obvs there would be no good reason a 29 year old couldn't date a 30 year old, etc. Plus you have to evaluate the actual maturity level. The numbers are just a baseline.) 1
elaine567 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 BUT, please don't take this the wrong way OP, but 24 is still young and not fully mature. (I don't think you really become an 'adult' comprehensively until about 30. That doesn't mean you're a child, it just means you've got to field a few more of life's challenges before you get there. /end granny speech. ) Anyway that means that 24 and 46 are a lot further apart than 34 and 56, see what I'm saying? In that sense, it might not be the best idea. Agreed. The fact he at 46 has a habit of dating very young men, may be a problem for you if this does get more serious too. Be aware, I guess a lot of his attraction for you will be purely visual and the desire for young flesh. Validation that he is not "past it". What about his baggage and history here? That may tell you a lot about where this is likely to go. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I'm not too worried that he's gonna drop the 'I'm holding you back' bomb on me. One of the very first things I made sure I asked him the night we met was if the age and/or the distance would be a problem. He's dated around my age (and even younger) in the past, so I don't think it's a problem. :-) You're concerned about negative reactions and both being able to handle that: He's dated around my age (and even younger) in the past, so I don't think it's a problem. -- He's been there done that, so he knows what's what. Are you concerned about being able to handle it yourself? If not, you're both good to go. As for how to handle negativity, ask him, he already knows You addressed the age difference concern with him and the two of you are on the same page apparently. That's what's important, not what others would say. 1
darkmoon Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) ok, as long as the older one does not become the dominant one, the younger one might know more about whatnot and still the older one might seek validation thru big, even vainglorious, talk, have had it happen not always the case, but the above is about when/if things go wrong, the remedy is mutual respect but if they are a lot older, you could end up being their middle-aged nurse/carer for them in their twilight years Edited May 8, 2015 by darkmoon 2
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