Author TheLongIslander Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 I will tell you a hilarious story about my first ever girlfriend when I was 16 that relates to this and could actually be a viable option for you. Almost exactly the same situation occurred - we lost our virginity to eachother, sex was awkward and weird at first but then we both got comfortable. It was vanilla. I was just concentrating on not blowing my load in 10 seconds every time. She was getting bored and wanted to experiment etc - I wanted to aswell but I just couldn't do this stuff because I knew I'd just prematurely explode in less than a minute. This went on for months, eventually she dumped me and I knew the sex was the reason. In my gut I 100% knew it was, even though she didn't say. She just said "we're different people". We kept in contact because emotions were obviously still there. One night I was out with my friends feeling sad and I just thought "**** this". Called her up and asked if we could "talk". I got to her place, pounded 4 beers in my car, got into her room said "hey" and just threw her on the bed and absolutely went to town. Literally tore her clothes off, I choked her with her underwear, slapped her raw, gagged her, tied her wrists together to the headboard with her underwear and just turned into some kind of freak animal. Thinking back on it makes me laugh because I was so young and inexperienced but it was so hot. I had no ****ing idea what I was doing but it worked. Since I was drunk I lasted about 30 mins or something, I was so happy (so was she). We got back together that night and stayed together for another year. You could try this OP. Really. I have a feeling once you actually have some rough, passionate sex you won't look back. If you have the balls/REALLY want this to work and she's really ended it over the sex and not other factors, I would invite her out for drinks and then just unleash on her. That being said YOU need to be the one to enjoy it - I didn't think I would, I was always against the idea of "hurting" girls in bed, but after I actually went through with it I realized it's purely pleasure. If you guys are emotionally connected and in love this just takes things to another level. If you're not comfortable with this obviously that's fine. I really do think you'll enjoy it though... Just some food for thought. It's over for good and how do you know that she would be receptive?
Author TheLongIslander Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Can't speak for everyone.... but as a woman who loves kink, your story just squicks the hell out of me. A guy who has never tried BDSM before, never talked about it with me, bursting into my room completely wasted and not in control of his faculties... no, just no. I wouldn't even bother trying to safeword (someone that drunk is unlikely to understand what that is), I'd just barricade myself off and try to call the police. Come on, there is a HUGE middle ground between "nooo I can't tap you on the butt, that's disrespectful" and what you did. Even if she truly 'loved it', it doesn't change the fact that it's generally a stupid ass thing to do and terrible advice. That isn't how you engage in healthy BDSM IMO. Like I said. You admit you'd call the police. A criminal record could ruin my career and I'm not going to jeopardize that.
Author TheLongIslander Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 You know what? I started to read 50 Shades of Gray to find out what the fuss was about. I found it vapid and boring. I couldn't even finish it. Blech. The lead guy seemed like a stalker-whiner. Not attractive. Yet, it was like a phenomenon. Women who hadn't picked up books in years were all of a sudden Book Club fanatics. Clearly it did something for them. I like reading about Science and History. That stuff fascinates me. It isn't boring at all. But most of those 50 Shades chicks would probably fall asleep reading about GMO foods and How a star is made and dies. So whereas the sex wasn't boring for you clearly it was enough for her to break up with you. To be frank, as dense as 50 Shades was, I get the kink. I have a kink that my husband never indulged. He isn't "comfortable." I have resented it, in fact. At times, thoughts of fulfilling that have almost consumed me. In relationships, what is "good enough' for you does not universally apply to your partner and judging or shaming them over having different wants and needs (especially sexually) is one sure way to rip any relationship apart. The way that you talk about how she wanted it is like 'that's so wrong. So wrong of her to want that or ask for it or break up with me because I wouldn't give it to her." No it's not. She wants what she wants. She wants it quite badly apparently. You don't want to give it to her. She breaks up with you. What's the alternative, really? Drown out the want? Pretend she doesn't want different sex? Try to suppress it? Lie? Tell you that your sex life is just great yet long for something that other men would willingly want to do with her that you are acting like is something completely repugnant? Yeah, no. This is what marriage has become, the marriage of no compromises. He could have provided for the family, been there for you through the toughest times, been a super father, been great in bed, but they you get a crazy sexual fetish that he's not interest in, and the marriage comes tumbling down and the family is ripped apart.
Author TheLongIslander Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Now you're just being daft. I'm not going to bother explaing how. I've been very polite, your starting to strike me as a troll. You know do what you want. Don't know what you gain by tearing into me. It's been difficult enough with the breakup.
Author TheLongIslander Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Bets are she met another guy. The roughing up in bed was an excuse. I seriously doubt you not pulling her hair or slapping her rear was the cause for the rift. She emotionally strayed, as often happens when the initial fireworks fizzle, and met someone else. Then she began to tally all of your "inadequacies" so that dumping you would make sense to her. Maybe she also wasn't thoroughly impressed with your chicken parmesan, but that's not the best excuse for dumping someone. A mature partner who cares for their partner works to make the relationship work. Did she suggest the two of you watch some rough hardcore porn? Did she try introducing you gradually to more aggressive forms of sexual play? My ex hit me with "I don't want to be a waiter!" She was a struggling artist and jobless. She tried to make me believe that by being with me, my day job of serving food to people would force her into the hospitality industry. She didn't seem to mind the biodynamic wine I brought home on a regular basis. Came to find out she'd been going over to the other guy's place while I was at work for a little hanky panky. It's all maturity. Go NC. Grieve. Heal. Move on. No other guy but she could be lying. She's already told me not to call her Its NC.
Author TheLongIslander Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Why don't you volunteer at a rape crisis / prevention center like I did in college if so concerned? Why don't you donate money for rape kit testing? Why don't you comprehend what you read? Why do you spew off generic lines like McGruff the crime dog? No one here is advocating rape culture in the least. No one here is advocating violence. Men and women have been telling you the same thing. Why would listen to us after failed to listen to person you were sleeping with IDK. Yet still we tried. Even when missed the main idea, flipped everything into a perverse literal, then put on a cape to save women from what they think they want. Maybe sex had nothing to do with break up. Perhaps being an impossible soap box champion of misunderstanding and out of context everything about nothing had something to do with it. I really hope your trolling, cause if not...oh boy, think you would fit in better at " love shy." Those guys would love to slander your ex for being sluty trashy, applause you for being a good guy.....then blame society for all your woes til the earth stops spinning. I have volunteered a lot. But you're just here to be a bully. I wouldn't hurt a girl but oh I wouldn't mind giving you an uppercut. This website is filled with horrible people just rubbing salt in the wound.
Hawaii51 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) I disagree... before I came into being sexually, I really thought every woman wanted to be made love to and touched softly. That is true, but there's a definitely a time for being rough, taking her, and being aggressive. Controlling her movements with a tuft of her hair, digging your fingers in her hip and giving her a senseless (you're not getting in any deeper) pounding. It's carnal, it evolved way before this forum or religious based vanilla sex (there's a reason they call it the missionary position). So, OP, I think you need to relax and stop adhering to current conditioning which only serves to limit you sexual prowess. It's okay to spank the lady you love and pull her hair, in the heat of the moment. It's not okay to do that to your kids or random women in the park, anytime. Edited May 8, 2015 by Hawaii51 1
Els Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Like I said. You admit you'd call the police. A criminal record could ruin my career and I'm not going to jeopardize that. You do realize that there is a HUGE difference between a couple who has discussed their fantasies, established hard boundaries and a safeword, and know and trust each other well... and the situation that was mentioned in the post I quoted, right? 2
Redhead14 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Heartbroken now. Was with my girlfriend for 15 months, sexually active for a year. Sex was good but she'd sometimes ask for something crazy. Hit her on the butt, pull her hair, slap her in other places. I didn't want to but she insisted and then she complained that I didn't do it hard enough. Say what? Theres enough violence toward women and I'm not about to be violent. Last night she complained again, she wanted to be slapped on the butt. I did and she said I slap like a girl. It turned into an argument and she called me boring. This morning she broke up for good and I'm heartbroken and confused. I'm 25 and she was my first. Sexual compatibility is something to be evaluated during the "dating" for committed long-term relationship/marriage process. She was at best immature about handling that with you. You two were not on the same page with sexual needs and desires. Dealing with those kinds of things in a relationship requires maturity, understanding and compromise at times. This was a dealbreaker for her and it's better that you two do move on. If you had continued in this relationship, it would be, if not already, a dysfunctional relationship. It would cause other things to break down over time. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but incompatibility in that area affects and is related to communication, trust and bonding. When those things aren't in tact, the relationship fails anyway. Move on with your life. Find someone who is compatible with you in that area. Forcing yourself to do things and not being able to find a compromise that works for both of you is unhealthy. 3
Mrlonelyone Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) First of all this is just a matter of incompatibility in bed. Another man is a possibility but not being compatible in bed wouldn't help. Sounds like you are both young and just learning how to be in a relationship. As another also said, if they like you they don't think you are boring, they think you are more exciting than you really are. Second, do not let anyone make light of your worries about eventual legal concerns. Think of any and every divorce where the woman. (and sometimes the man) complains that they were hit, punched, called names etc. A vindictive woman could very well ask to be roughed up in bed, then turn all of that around on you. They don't even have to be vindictive...it could all even be part of their fantasy. That is why a mature person who wanted the type of things your GF did would have worked with you to ease you into that. It is also possible that your exGF had only experienced prior men who were rough, and did not realize that not all men are that way, and so did not know she has to ask for that. This aspect of it boils down to a lack of maturity on her part. I mean saying "you hit like a girl" as a manipulation to get you to hit her harder....a mature woman would say hit me harder. As a matter of fact there are S and M contracts which both parties agree in advance to what they will and will not do. I am hardly anti- rough stuff. In a past life I worked as a transgender dominatrix and roughed up men, some famous, who wanted to be dominated by someone who looked enough like a woman (when done up right). In high school I had sexual relations with two female teachers they both wanted rough sex*. In my last relationship that particular ex also wanted rough sex. I gave it to them. It still ended for other reasons. Plenty of people like it from time to time, not that many actually need rough stuff to get off. Mature compatible partners will gradually introduce those aspects of sex and understand your needs and comfort levels too. TL;DR: This woman sounds like she was just not compatible with you and sounds rather immature in her whole approach to asking you for what she wants. Grieve and move on. Don't chase her. If you even want her back let her decide to come back. Odds are any woman who would suddenly leave like that would do it again and again in the future. Do you want that? *I find that many people who want rough sex and to be dominated are often somehow dominant in their daily lives. The loss of control is exciting to them. Edited May 8, 2015 by Mrlonelyone
dreamingoftigers Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 This is what marriage has become, the marriage of no compromises. He could have provided for the family, been there for you through the toughest times, been a super father, been great in bed, but they you get a crazy sexual fetish that he's not interest in, and the marriage comes tumbling down and the family is ripped apart. Ironic actually. If you ever get a chance to read my threads, you can discover that this one isn't "about the woman causing the marital crash." Things you listed: 1) provided for the family, nope 2) been there for you through the toughest times, nope, typically caused the toughest times and then took off for days & weeks. Without providing for his daughter. 3)been a super father, he was when she was younger. Then for the last year (and some instances before that) he has up and left her behind and not called, sent money, done Dad stuff with her. Granted he has been struggling with his addictions. But in February he had to sober up and get to program to keep living with us. He vanished for a good seven weeks. It's May now. He's just getting to program starting Monday. (earliest time). 4) been great in bed, the relatively low amount of times we were intimate over the last ten years were ... okay. In the beginning it was dynamite, but then he turned his attentions elsewhere like most Cerebral Narcissists. It was hardly MY sexual kink that caused anything. 5)but they you get a crazy sexual fetish that he's not interest in, and the marriage comes tumbling down and the family is ripped apart. As soon as you start to understand that your emotional response DOES NOT reflect MY REALITY, please read on.... I ALWAYS had a kink. ALWAYS. He knew about this long before we were married and we started sexual explorations. But after we married, HE did more of a bait and switch. HIM. Not participating in my kink was aggravating enough, but it was more THE SHAMING attitude and dramatics about even having a kink that seemed to cause the downfall for you. In my case, my husband was also mildly shaming (comparatively) after having acted open-mindedly prior to marriage.
CarrieT Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 But stop making assumptions about activities that you don't truly know anything about and probably never will if you continue to view them with such prejudice. ^ ^ ^ Repeated for truth ^ ^ ^
Mrlonelyone Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 You do realize that there is a HUGE difference between a couple who has discussed their fantasies, established hard boundaries and a safeword, and know and trust each other well... and the situation that was mentioned in the post I quoted, right? I think he gets where you are coming from but that's not the OP's situation. He is coming from a place where his now exGF demanded to be slapped really hard, then when he did not slap hard she said "you hit like a girl". Then when he did not respond to her manipulation she left. She did not discuss this with him like a calm adult. She did not ask plainly for what she wanted. She did not try to work with him on this she just left. Longislandguy, while it may be that, as someone else put it, she just liked someone else's egg plant parmesan it is just as likely you are dealing with an immature and manipulative woman. Rather than asking for what she wants, asking for harder she insults you. Do you think this is the only thing she would be that way about? Do you want to deal with that nonsense for years, or if things worked out decades?
jen1447 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 your starting to strike me as a troll. Yeah people. Back away slowly and disengage?
katiegrl Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) If she's consenting to it it is not abuse, **a lot of us women happen to find little slaps ect. Sexy.** If she's your first you obviously just need some more experience but don't do something if you're not comfortable with it. Sorry you got burned man, but it's time to mourn and move on, you're not sexually compatible with her. Absolutely love the slaps. The harder the better! :bunny: Also love being choked, and having him cum all over my face! And then massaging my face with it! So intimate and sexy! That said though, if bf was not into those things, I would not break up with him...it's not a dealbreaker. But I'm in love with the big lug, maybe THAT is the difference.... Edited May 8, 2015 by katiegrl
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