Refused to rough her up during sex, she breaks up

[thestaircase]

OP, there one thing in a relationship that can't be compromise, that is sex. Even if one compromise for another, one will end up be unhappy and overtime will become rensentful.

 

If you don't like kinky stuff then you just don't. You have every single rights in this world to not like it. You don't need to feel bad about it, you are who you are.

Hey, if your girlfriend like kinky stuff then she just does. She will have to find a guy who can fulfill that sexual needs of her.

 

 

I do NOT, repeated DO NOT compromise with anyone when it come to sex. It nearly impossible to maintain a happy relationship/marriage if you are sexually incompatible w/your partner.

 

Before me and my husband get physical, we talk throughly about what we like and don't like in sex. I asked him about his sexual history. I asked him if he into BDSM, anal or anything kinky. I want to make sure we are sexually COMPATIBLE before we have sex.

Fortunately, none of us like kinky stuff, none of us are into BDSM, we pretty much is a Vanilla sex couple.

We still married and happy. Why? because we both are from the same world, we both are sexually compatible.

 

 

OP, move on with your life. There are other fishes in the sea, find one that you sexually compatible with. It will save you alot of headache, and you will enjoy the relationship more. GOOD LUCK to you!

Edited May 8, 2015 by thestairs

[havocser]

If she's consenting to it it is not abuse, a lot of us women happen to find little slaps ect. Sexy. If she's your first you obviously just need some more experience but don't do something if you're not comfortable with it.

 

Sorry you got burned man, but it's time to mourn and move on, you're not sexually compatible with her.

[BluEyeL]

For what is worth, I'm vanilla. Not all women are into rough sex. So just go find your match, I'm sure you'll find her. This woman wasn't compatible with you, don't let that bring you down.

[Timshel]

You're freaking out a bit. For every girl that likes it rough, there are those who don't - and those inbetween who like a bit of variety. Its just sexual incompatibility, so don't sweat it. None of its bad - different strokes for different folks

 

Yep, thank you. True words.

[TheLongIslander]

I understand your hurting, but the fact is, she needed something you weren't comfortable giving her. That's all there is too it.

 

There's nothing wrong with what she's asked for. There are men out there who will comfortably straddle the line between "too far" and "just right". They are comfortable with exploring those grey lines between the acceptable and taboo.

 

You are not one of those men. That is perfectly ok.

 

That's what several posters are trying to get across.

 

It sounds like you came here expecting others to chime in with "wow.. biatches be crazy!", but instead have been confronted with the fact that "well, actually... it's perfectly normal and ok"

 

It's a big world with a lot of tastes. The more flexible you can be with your thinking, the easier it becomes to navigate it.

 

These guys will straddle all right until a girl is misread. It'll be the end of the relationship or a court date, all based on which way he fell off.

[TheLongIslander]

No the fact you take choke so literally as strangulation where someone passes out might be why a few are shaking head and rolling eyes.

 

A choke is strangulation. Ever enjoy choking on food? Didn't think so.

[TheLongIslander]

I'm just going to be upfront with you. You're acting like a wuss. No wonder she broke up with you.

 

You and the two who liked your post think you're so tough.

[TheLongIslander]

IDK maybe his girlfriend expressing desire is wrong, the mature men and women expressing the same is wrong. Maybe the OP suggesting we are all violent nuts after his one relationship is right. Maybe us being in the OP postion in our life's is a collective delusion. Maybe he is ganged up on cause takes things to literial comic extremes. Maybe it's not ganged up on cause not speaking of hipster sex but generals we have discovered in life.

 

I see his point of view cause I once had it. I take slight offence being called a violent man, over things he misunderstands. Things that in part bind my wife and I. I was once in his position, most here are telling him EXACTLY what I was told.

 

With the incidences of rape at epidemic levels there's an awful lot of violent nuts.

[TheLongIslander]

Rough sex can be hot, it lets you both really indulge in primal animalistic sex. It can be a huge turn on for sure.

 

There's tough sex but apparently that isn't enough. Still not rough enough.

[TheLongIslander]

OP, it is commendable that you don't want to hurt a woman. But some of us like a little pain as a complement to pleasure. We don't look at it as abuse.

 

Also, please do not delude yourself that just performing various positions isn't anything *but* vanilla, because it is. That is okay if that is your flavor of choice and I hope you find a girl that likes vanilla as well.

 

But "kinky" does involve a great deal more of experimentation; toys (dildos, vibrators), silk scarves, pinching, food, spanking, and more.

A little pain. Some of you insist on extreme pain. I'll pass and now I'm a wuss because I won't do anything stupid.

[TheLongIslander]

OP, there one thing in a relationship that can't be compromise, that is sex. Even if one compromise for another, one will end up be unhappy and overtime will become rensentful.

 

If you don't like kinky stuff then you just don't. You have every single rights in this world to not like it. You don't need to feel bad about it, you are who you are.

Hey, if your girlfriend like kinky stuff then she just does. She will have to find a guy who can fulfill that sexual needs of her.

 

 

I do NOT, repeated DO NOT compromise with anyone when it come to sex. It nearly impossible to maintain a happy relationship/marriage if you are sexually incompatible w/your partner.

 

Before me and my husband get physical, we talk throughly about what we like and don't like in sex. I asked him about his sexual history. I asked him if he into BDSM, anal or anything kinky. I want to make sure we are sexually COMPATIBLE before we have sex.

Fortunately, none of us like kinky stuff, none of us are into BDSM, we pretty much is a Vanilla sex couple.

We still married and happy. Why? because we both are from the same world, we both are sexually compatible.

 

 

OP, move on with your life. There are other fishes in the sea, find one that you sexually compatible with. It will save you alot of headache, and you will enjoy the relationship more. GOOD LUCK to you!

I'm not talking kinky. I'm talking giving her a serious injury. No thank you.

[Els]

I'm not really sure how you're equating spanking to something that'll 'put her into the hospital' and BDSM roleplay to 'disrespect against women'. Frankly plain ol' PIV intercourse has a higher chance of 'putting a person in the hospital' than a smack against the buttocks, and most people still manage to enjoy that throughout their lives without ever being admitted to the hospital.

 

At any rate, you and her are just incompatible. Same as you'd be if she wanted to spank YOU and you didn't want that. Just seek a vanilla partner, nothing wrong with that. But stop making assumptions about activities that you don't truly know anything about and probably never will if you continue to view them with such prejudice.

[hunk]

I will tell you a hilarious story about my first ever girlfriend when I was 16 that relates to this and could actually be a viable option for you. Almost exactly the same situation occurred - we lost our virginity to eachother, sex was awkward and weird at first but then we both got comfortable. It was vanilla. I was just concentrating on not blowing my load in 10 seconds every time. She was getting bored and wanted to experiment etc - I wanted to aswell but I just couldn't do this stuff because I knew I'd just prematurely explode in less than a minute. This went on for months, eventually she dumped me and I knew the sex was the reason. In my gut I 100% knew it was, even though she didn't say. She just said "we're different people".

 

We kept in contact because emotions were obviously still there. One night I was out with my friends feeling sad and I just thought "**** this". Called her up and asked if we could "talk". I got to her place, pounded 4 beers in my car, got into her room said "hey" and just threw her on the bed and absolutely went to town. Literally tore her clothes off, I choked her with her underwear, slapped her raw, gagged her, tied her wrists together to the headboard with her underwear and just turned into some kind of freak animal. Thinking back on it makes me laugh because I was so young and inexperienced but it was so hot. I had no ****ing idea what I was doing but it worked. Since I was drunk I lasted about 30 mins or something, I was so happy (so was she). We got back together that night and stayed together for another year.

 

You could try this OP. Really. I have a feeling once you actually have some rough, passionate sex you won't look back. If you have the balls/REALLY want this to work and she's really ended it over the sex and not other factors, I would invite her out for drinks and then just unleash on her. That being said YOU need to be the one to enjoy it - I didn't think I would, I was always against the idea of "hurting" girls in bed, but after I actually went through with it I realized it's purely pleasure. If you guys are emotionally connected and in love this just takes things to another level.

 

If you're not comfortable with this obviously that's fine. I really do think you'll enjoy it though... Just some food for thought.

[fitnessfan365]

Back when I was on my 7 year hiatus from dating in my younger years, I would talk to as many women as I could online in forums. Just send them messages, ask questions, etc.. Since they knew I wasn't trying to date them, they opened up about all kinds of things. The majority of them all liked rough sex and wanted to be dominated in bed.

 

Up until then, I was the same as the OP. I only had two GF's from 18-22, and I was pretty terrible in bed. Didn't like to be rough at all. Felt more comfortable with a woman initiating, etc.. So I had no clue about any of the stuff these women were telling me about.

 

Fast forward to when I started dating again. Movie night in a woman's place. We fooled around a bit on the couch, but nothing too serious. As I was saying goodnight, I decided to go for it. Started kissing her, then took her against the wall, and lifted her off the ground as we continued to kiss. She wrapped her legs around me and literally begged me to take her to the bedroom. So I set her down, swopped her up in my arms carrying her into the bedroom, and then threw her down on the bed to have my way with her. When I realized how natural it felt, and how turned on I got from the lust she put off, it was like a sexual awakening. From that point on, I embraced my true assertive, dominant sexual nature.

[Els]

I will tell you a hilarious story about my first ever girlfriend when I was 16 that relates to this and could actually be a viable option for you. Almost exactly the same situation occurred - we lost our virginity to eachother, sex was awkward and weird at first but then we both got comfortable. It was vanilla. I was just concentrating on not blowing my load in 10 seconds every time. She was getting bored and wanted to experiment etc - I wanted to aswell but I just couldn't do this stuff because I knew I'd just prematurely explode in less than a minute. This went on for months, eventually she dumped me and I knew the sex was the reason. In my gut I 100% knew it was, even though she didn't say. She just said "we're different people".

 

We kept in contact because emotions were obviously still there. One night I was out with my friends feeling sad and I just thought "**** this". Called her up and asked if we could "talk". I got to her place, pounded 4 beers in my car, got into her room said "hey" and just threw her on the bed and absolutely went to town. Literally tore her clothes off, I choked her with her underwear, slapped her raw, gagged her, tied her wrists together to the headboard with her underwear and just turned into some kind of freak animal. Thinking back on it makes me laugh because I was so young and inexperienced but it was so hot. I had no ****ing idea what I was doing but it worked. Since I was drunk I lasted about 30 mins or something, I was so happy (so was she). We got back together that night and stayed together for another year.

 

You could try this OP. Really. I have a feeling once you actually have some rough, passionate sex you won't look back. If you have the balls/REALLY want this to work and she's really ended it over the sex and not other factors, I would invite her out for drinks and then just unleash on her. That being said YOU need to be the one to enjoy it - I didn't think I would, I was always against the idea of "hurting" girls in bed, but after I actually went through with it I realized it's purely pleasure. If you guys are emotionally connected and in love this just takes things to another level.

 

If you're not comfortable with this obviously that's fine. I really do think you'll enjoy it though... Just some food for thought.

 

Can't speak for everyone.... but as a woman who loves kink, your story just squicks the hell out of me. A guy who has never tried BDSM before, never talked about it with me, bursting into my room completely wasted and not in control of his faculties... no, just no. I wouldn't even bother trying to safeword (someone that drunk is unlikely to understand what that is), I'd just barricade myself off and try to call the police.

 

Come on, there is a HUGE middle ground between "nooo I can't tap you on the butt, that's disrespectful" and what you did. Even if she truly 'loved it', it doesn't change the fact that it's generally a stupid ass thing to do and terrible advice. That isn't how you engage in healthy BDSM IMO.

[dreamingoftigers]

Mild? What? I am not going to abuse her and risk seriously injuring her. As I said sex wasn't boring at all. We did so much, all over the house, even in my car. But I draw a line. Is this related to the rape fatasies that I've heard some have. No thank you, I like adventure but not playing with fire.

 

You know what?

 

I started to read 50 Shades of Gray to find out what the fuss was about.

 

I found it vapid and boring. I couldn't even finish it. Blech. The lead guy seemed like a stalker-whiner. Not attractive.

 

Yet, it was like a phenomenon. Women who hadn't picked up books in years were all of a sudden Book Club fanatics. Clearly it did something for them.

 

I like reading about Science and History. That stuff fascinates me. It isn't boring at all. But most of those 50 Shades chicks would probably fall asleep reading about GMO foods and How a star is made and dies.

 

So whereas the sex wasn't boring for you clearly it was enough for her to break up with you.

 

To be frank, as dense as 50 Shades was, I get the kink.

I have a kink that my husband never indulged. He isn't "comfortable."

I have resented it, in fact. At times, thoughts of fulfilling that have almost consumed me.

 

In relationships, what is "good enough' for you does not universally apply to your partner and judging or shaming them over having different wants and needs (especially sexually) is one sure way to rip any relationship apart.

 

The way that you talk about how she wanted it is like 'that's so wrong. So wrong of her to want that or ask for it or break up with me because I wouldn't give it to her."

 

No it's not. She wants what she wants. She wants it quite badly apparently. You don't want to give it to her. She breaks up with you.

 

What's the alternative, really? Drown out the want? Pretend she doesn't want different sex? Try to suppress it? Lie? Tell you that your sex life is just great yet long for something that other men would willingly want to do with her that you are acting like is something completely repugnant?

 

Yeah, no.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's too fine a line and go a little too far and god knows what she will accuse me of. In case you didn't know they change their minds a lot. Your descriptions are more than a bit rough and more like violence.

 

 

You sound like such a victim in most of your posts.

 

Being more positive and confident about your stances and ways of doing things, as well as being open to other experiences and adventures is a very attractive quality.

[dreamingoftigers]

Can't speak for everyone.... but as a woman who loves kink, your story just squicks the hell out of me. A guy who has never tried BDSM before, never talked about it with me, bursting into my room completely wasted and not in control of his faculties... no, just no. I wouldn't even bother trying to safeword (someone that drunk is unlikely to understand what that is), I'd just barricade myself off and try to call the police.

 

Come on, there is a HUGE middle ground between "nooo I can't tap you on the butt, that's disrespectful" and what you did. Even if she truly 'loved it', it doesn't change the fact that it's generally a stupid ass thing to do and terrible advice. That isn't how you engage in healthy BDSM IMO.

 

They were together for awhile before that though.

It wasn't like he was the pizza guy. He obviously knew the deal and she had talked about experimenting with him before etc.

 

Honestly, I think if she would've screamed or been like "oh my god, wtf, NO" that OP seems the type to have gotten the Hell out of there with a big apology for misreading the whole thing.

[Vercetti]

A choke is strangulation. Ever enjoy choking on food? Didn't think so.

 

Now you're just being daft. I'm not going to bother explaing how. I've been very polite, your starting to strike me as a troll.

[Els]

They were together for awhile before that though.

It wasn't like he was the pizza guy. He obviously knew the deal and she had talked about experimenting with him before etc.

 

Honestly, I think if she would've screamed or been like "oh my god, wtf, NO" that OP seems the type to have gotten the Hell out of there with a big apology for misreading the whole thing.

 

I would hope so, but at 4 beers, I'm not so sure. I guess I'm just generally an advocate of the SSC (safe, sane, consensual) mantra - be somewhat lucid and in control of yourself especially if you're trying it for the first time. Lots of things can go wrong if you're too drunk to notice them or care.

 

But maybe it's just me who's totally out of things after 4 drinks.

[Toodaloo]

Mild? What? I am not going to abuse her and risk seriously injuring her. As I said sex wasn't boring at all. We did so much, all over the house, even in my car. But I draw a line. Is this related to the rape fatasies that I've heard some have. No thank you, I like adventure but not playing with fire.

 

My ex wanted me to burn him and choke him...

 

It destroyed our sex life.

 

There are others who will be more compatible. A little light spanking is great but being bashed about not so... unless your into that.

 

Personally I would be worried about a man who would be happy to hit me hard or hurt me...

 

Stick by your guns and move on. It will be ok.

[SycamoreCircle]

Bets are she met another guy. The roughing up in bed was an excuse. I seriously doubt you not pulling her hair or slapping her rear was the cause for the rift. She emotionally strayed, as often happens when the initial fireworks fizzle, and met someone else. Then she began to tally all of your "inadequacies" so that dumping you would make sense to her. Maybe she also wasn't thoroughly impressed with your chicken parmesan, but that's not the best excuse for dumping someone.

 

A mature partner who cares for their partner works to make the relationship work.

 

Did she suggest the two of you watch some rough hardcore porn? Did she try introducing you gradually to more aggressive forms of sexual play?

 

My ex hit me with "I don't want to be a waiter!" She was a struggling artist and jobless. She tried to make me believe that by being with me, my day job of serving food to people would force her into the hospitality industry. She didn't seem to mind the biodynamic wine I brought home on a regular basis. Came to find out she'd been going over to the other guy's place while I was at work for a little hanky panky.

 

It's all maturity. Go NC. Grieve. Heal. Move on.

[Vercetti]

With the incidences of rape at epidemic levels there's an awful lot of violent nuts.

 

Why don't you volunteer at a rape crisis / prevention center like I did in college if so concerned? Why don't you donate money for rape kit testing? Why don't you comprehend what you read? Why do you spew off generic lines like McGruff the crime dog?

 

No one here is advocating rape culture in the least. No one here is advocating violence.

 

Men and women have been telling you the same thing. Why would listen to us after failed to listen to person you were sleeping with IDK. Yet still we tried. Even when missed the main idea, flipped everything into a perverse literal, then put on a cape to save women from what they think they want.

 

Maybe sex had nothing to do with break up. Perhaps being an impossible soap box champion of misunderstanding and out of context everything about nothing had something to do with it.

 

I really hope your trolling, cause if not...oh boy, think you would fit in better at " love shy." Those guys would love to slander your ex for being sluty trashy, applause you for being a good guy.....then blame society for all your woes til the earth stops spinning.

[hunk]

Elswyth, I can see how my story came off super rape-y:lmao: but I assure you it wasn't. And we'd been together for ages and knew eachother very very well obviously. I wasn't drunk either I literally drank for the purpose of "numbing" myself if you get what I mean. But yeah it was totally consensual, we'd been messaging alot prior to this happening and it was kind of like a "build up" if that makes sense. Probably wouldn't go about doing that again at this age. Just thought i'd toss an experience out there for perspective.

 

Also i wouldn't call what we did bondage or BDSM really, it was just 2 inexperienced teenagers messing around / tying eachother up for the first time.

Edited May 8, 2015 by hunk
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[guest569]

You did nothing wrong OP, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with. You're not interested in this type of thing and there's nothing wrong with that. You were together for over a year, so she must have been enjoying the sex for that duration. You just wanted different things, it's no-one's fault. It doesn't make you boring.