acapelo_dp Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 According to my ex boyfriend (broke up 2 and a half months ago), he has been to counselling to deal with stress (work, family, money, etc), working out and going to the gym 3x a week, going out more, and generally just being more social and his family is FINALLY moving out of his house in a month. I tried to get him to eat better and be more active with me, go on hikes and to the gym, to go to counselling. He said he got comfortable with me, and he is happy that we are both growing independently but he does not want the constraint of a relationship. But he said he still loves me and cares for me. Right.. Why is it now that he is single he is doing all the things I wanted him to do/do with him? It makes me so angry, because in hindsight we could still be together growing WITH each other. But no, he is super happy on the idea that he gets to live alone and do whatever he wants - while texting me he misses me every few weeks. Ugh.
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 According to my ex boyfriend (broke up 2 and a half months ago), he has been to counselling to deal with stress (work, family, money, etc), working out and going to the gym 3x a week, going out more, and generally just being more social and his family is FINALLY moving out of his house in a month. I tried to get him to eat better and be more active with me, go on hikes and to the gym, to go to counselling. He said he got comfortable with me, and he is happy that we are both growing independently but he does not want the constraint of a relationship. But he said he still loves me and cares for me. Right.. Why is it now that he is single he is doing all the things I wanted him to do/do with him? It makes me so angry, because in hindsight we could still be together growing WITH each other. But no, he is super happy on the idea that he gets to live alone and do whatever he wants - while texting me he misses me every few weeks. Ugh. Tell him no more contact, because it isn't helping you. Maybe he couldn't grow when he was with you. Maybe he's being honest, and he wasn't capable of being in a proper relationship. Men sometimes want to feel like complete men before they settle down. Let him do that and be happy for him. Try not to hold resentment about the relationship above anything else, and just concentrate on your own life and goals. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Tell him no more contact, because it isn't helping you. Maybe he couldn't grow when he was with you. Maybe he's being honest, and he wasn't capable of being in a proper relationship. Men sometimes want to feel like complete men before they settle down. Let him do that and be happy for him. Try not to hold resentment about the relationship above anything else, and just concentrate on your own life and goals. Thank you for your response! Actually we have got along great last time we saw each other and had a very honest conversation. I am happy that he is doing well for himself and improving, I just wish he didn't need to get rid of me to do it. I've been keeping super busy and doing the same as him and I am feeling so much better. I do miss him and sometimes the relationship, but I am not heartbroken anymore. He seems quite happy now, and said that he still really likes me and wants me in his life but knows I deserve more.. I just think maybe one day when we have both grown we can try again. But by then we will probably have met other people. He is still important to me and I do want him around, but I don't want to be in the friendzone. At least now yet. I definitely can see us being friends a year down the road.
towch Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 According to my ex boyfriend (broke up 2 and a half months ago), he has been to counselling to deal with stress (work, family, money, etc), working out and going to the gym 3x a week, going out more, and generally just being more social and his family is FINALLY moving out of his house in a month. I tried to get him to eat better and be more active with me, go on hikes and to the gym, to go to counselling. He said he got comfortable with me, and he is happy that we are both growing independently but he does not want the constraint of a relationship. But he said he still loves me and cares for me. Right.. Why is it now that he is single he is doing all the things I wanted him to do/do with him? It makes me so angry, because in hindsight we could still be together growing WITH each other. But no, he is super happy on the idea that he gets to live alone and do whatever he wants - while texting me he misses me every few weeks. Ugh. I was this guy but my situation was that i lived in a very restricted household and during that time i was making little to no money. Every free time i had was precious. Funny thing is she left me right when we could do whatever together. i had just moved out to my own place, working and making money. Life hits you with a curve when you least expect it.
Author acapelo_dp Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 I was this guy but my situation was that i lived in a very restricted household and during that time i was making little to no money. Every free time i had was precious. Funny thing is she left me right when we could do whatever together. i had just moved out to my own place, working and making money. Life hits you with a curve when you least expect it. Very true. Although he did technically break up with me... he was unhappy where he was at in life and he was so happy to finally say that he was going to get a place on his own and have free time for himself. I do understand and I am happy for him, I just wish we could try again in the future when we are both 100% ready. Which maybe he never will be, or will meet someone else..
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Thank you for your response! Actually we have got along great last time we saw each other and had a very honest conversation. I am happy that he is doing well for himself and improving, I just wish he didn't need to get rid of me to do it. I've been keeping super busy and doing the same as him and I am feeling so much better. I do miss him and sometimes the relationship, but I am not heartbroken anymore. He seems quite happy now, and said that he still really likes me and wants me in his life but knows I deserve more.. I just think maybe one day when we have both grown we can try again. But by then we will probably have met other people. He is still important to me and I do want him around, but I don't want to be in the friendzone. At least now yet. I definitely can see us being friends a year down the road. Try not to look at it as a need to get rid of you to improve his life. Try to see it that he had to do this on his own, for himself. Be honest with him about not being able to be friends right now. Maybe in the future you can work things out. Right now, though, contact and conversation seems to serve only to hurt you. Take care of your own feelings.
SLee Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I completely understand how you're feeling, it's really frustrating. My ex isn't happy by any means and he's still an emotional mess from life and the break up (even though he dumped me). I was trying for YEARS to get him to be closer with his family and to go out with friends on his own to chill. The SECOND I was in the picture anymore, he suddenly has a great relationship with his family and is eager to go out more. In my situation, we were together for so long that we never had time to grow as individuals. I came around eventually, but he didn't. He wants to go be his own person, and to be perfectly honest, he needs to sort out his life, because he's a mess. Stop contacting him and getting updates about his life, because it doesn't really matter anymore. Easier said than done, I know. I'm there with you. Do things that YOU want to do. Work and save money, focus on your education if you're in school, go out with friends, get closer with family, do all the things you like to do that have nothing to do with him. I understand your frustration and I feel the same. Why break up when you can do all these things WITH your partner!? Unfortunately, life and people don't work that way sometimes and this guy sounds like he has some major growing up to do. I still have a little hope that my ex will come back if he grows up a bit. But don't focus on that or hinge all your hopes and dreams on it. If the hope helps motivate you to make positive changes in YOUR life, than use it if you have to. Eventually as you make those changes, it will be less painful with time.
Meli22 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 When break ups happen people tend to start working out more and working towards other achievements. In relationships we become comfortable. After we become single again, we have a lot more time on our hands so we put it to good use. Our self esteem takes a beating so we either wallow in self pity or hit the gym! Before I met my ex I would work out 5 times a week. During our rship it slipped to 2-3 (oops, although it didn't change my appearance thankfully). Purely because I spent time with him doing things. Since we split up, I'm back to 5 times a week! What he is doing is nothing against you, if anything it's because the break up has been a wake up call to sort himself out.
Author acapelo_dp Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 You guys are right, it's probably for the best. He is a great guy and I don't blame him for wanting to be alone and improve himself, I still love him but I am not so upset and heartbroken anymore like I was. I am back to working out 5 days a week and have met some new friends also..so it's not all bad. The first month and a half I was dying to get back together with him. He was a great boyfriend in the sense he was sweet, loved to cuddle, would take me out to dinner and we shared the same sense of humor. He just didn't give me the time and commitment I needed or wanted. This makes me not miss him as a boyfriend, but I definitely do miss him in my life like he does me. I'm actually thinking about moving back to my home province since we broke up, after the summer. It's a fun city but I feel like it's not somewhere I would want to stay forever and it's expensive. I also mainly moved here for him..
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