minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Because you are advising the very thing that brought my family of orientation in crisis multiple times. Yes, they can interfere in cases of extreme physical and emotional abuse. Not in the cases where I talk to some girl or don't want to have sex becasue I'm stressed. I'm here because I overcame the breakup by the book and I can give advice or two how it's done. But now I don't want to run after her and that was why am I asking. Line has to be drawn in the sand that she can't violate my privacy. I can ask her to come back next week. Or I can do no contact. I'm capable of both, but no pleading etc. You violated her by emotionally cheating on her. Deny it all you want, but texting other women who are not your friends is emotionally cheating. And no, you don't get to make the distinction of how other families act, and you do not get to control her and her family. I wasn't advising the very things that brought your family into crisis. I advised the two of you to communicate together as a unit and team, and come up with healthy boundaries that are acceptable to the both of you. Again, you're reading whatever you want and are refusing any real advice given. At least try to be there for your child as a loving father.
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Take a step back. Imagine this was your sister going through this. If you honestly think you've done nothing wrong, you two are best apart. The only situation I'd interfere in her life is if she came bruised or starving. Anything else is poking your nose where it doesn't belong.
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 The only situation I'd interfere in her life is if she came bruised or starving. Anything else is poking your nose where it doesn't belong. In the future, find someone who shares the same point of view as yourself. 2
TunaCat Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 The only situation I'd interfere in her life is if she came bruised or starving. Anything else is poking your nose where it doesn't belong. Her family clearly operates differently and she fine with that. If you can't deal with that, then go NC, and focus on parallel parenting your baby when it arrives. 1
TunaCat Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I told her to come back because this is her household also. Whoops, I forgot to address this too. She is not a child! You can't tell an adult to come back. It's her choice! Communicate with each other does not me bark orders at her and expect that she follows them. You are not her parent, you have no right to tell her anything.
sandylee1 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 The only situation I'd interfere in her life is if she came bruised or starving. Anything else is poking your nose where it doesn't belong. Being bruised or starving are not the only forms of mistreating someone. I'm not really sure why you don't understand this. If your unborn child is a girl, and twenty years down the line you see her crying whilst pregnant and clearly distressed, will you just say nothing because she isn't bruised or starving? The more you say, the more I think you shouldn't call her. Keep NC and do not stress this pregnant woman further. You have your views and you won't accept anything people have said here. She's better off staying with those who love her. A pregnant woman is very vulnerable, but this doesn't seem to factor into your thoughts. Just focus on support where the baby is concerned. Hopefully you'll be able to have a civil relationship when you both have your new life partners. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 You have some valid points. 1. In a healthy relationship, especially a marriage, the new family unit the two partners, have to be primary with limited input from the families of origin. That said, you do unite 2 families & these other people will always be part of your relationship. 2. You are entitled to privacy but that implies some level of trust. You both have trust & boundary issues. There shouldn't be that many conversations with EXs, there's no reason to maintain contact with these people or have them as FB friends, especially when their presence erodes the foundations of your relationship. 3. A SO should not bombard you at work with personal needs / questions. Unless we're traveling later that day, I rarely contact DH at work. When I do, he knows to pick up because it's usually a genuine emergency that involves hospitals or death. Most Qs can wait until he gets home or at least on the train to come home. So what is your goal here? Are you looking for justification to break things off? Are you looking to make up & build a family? If you want happily ever after, you need to start putting the needs of your unborn child first. Second, what does your pregnant GF want / need to be happy & content in this relationship. I suspect it's kindness & reassurance which is more than a roof over her head. Talk to her. Find out what her ideal relationship looks like & work to give it to her. Simultaneously she should be working just as hard to make you happy. Sadly I suspect that for you asking her what she wants would be "poking your nose where it doesn't belong". You have a misguided understanding of where to drawn boundaries in your relationship. You have to include the other person in your life & draw the boundaries around the two of you together. She gets access nobody else does & do do you. What are you doing to offer her romance? What are you doing to make her pregnancy easier? If nothing, start doing something because clearly this woman is 90% out the door.
Phoenician Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Dear OP , If I tell you my opinion honestly , I will be banned ... The advise I tell you within my patience limit is that leave the girl alone ; she deserves a better life . She is pregnent , her life is upside down , and her hormone level are fluctuating . when you become 45++ and maybe get a T shot , you will know what a surge in hormone level is .... Leave the girl alone , leave her alone . good luck 2
Author erklat Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 Okay, we talked yesterday and from what I gather she could leave also if she sees my account here and the things that I post and advise to others and then she interprets it like she likes and not like what I said. For example, being close to the door is wanting open marriage, not making her a center of your life. Statement that I don't share some opinions with her but she's the one I'll have family with means she's here to give offspring and nothing more. Also she went through my phone and called some of my buddies choking them. Marital issues leaving beyond my doorstep is a big no! Insanity or hormones. Got to be.
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I understand it's your child but why do you want to be with a woman who trusts you so little that she has to go through your phone & "choke" (check?) your buddies? If she really thinks you listed your mistress in your phone under some dude's name, you two do not have a proper foundation upon which to raise a child.
Author erklat Posted May 9, 2015 Author Posted May 9, 2015 No. Choke as bore them with my 'improper' behaviour. Our household issues are only ours. I haven't told my parents that we had an argument. I don't have mistresses. Probably we don't otherwise she wouldn't try to change me.
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 This whole thing is a mess on both sides It's not a stable place to raise a baby.
BlueIris Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I don't allow my parents to steer my thoughts and I certainly won't allow hers. How could her parents or anyone “steer your thoughts?” No one can make you think something. We’re all responsible for how we think. Or are you saying that you won’t allow her parents to steer HER thoughts? If that’s what you’re saying, that is none of your business. How your GF thinks and feels is not for you to control (see how that works? You can’t demand that she be the way you want just like her family can’t. She can think any way she wishes.) I don't see how that is a problem. Parents manipulating your life is one of the worse curses you can live in. My mother has to go to my granmothers to ask for my fathers pay like she's 15 and not 50. You suggest I should create that kind of family? You ARE creating that kind of family when you require or demand that the mother of your child must be the way you want her to be. Okay, we talked yesterday and from what I gather she could leave also if she sees my account here and the things that I post and advise to others and then she interprets it like she likes and not like what I said. For example, being close to the door is wanting open marriage, not making her a center of your life. Statement that I don't share some opinions with her but she's the one I'll have family with means she's here to give offspring and nothing more. Also she went through my phone and called some of my buddies choking them. Marital issues leaving beyond my doorstep is a big no! Insanity or hormones. Got to be. Well, I hope she sees that post and I hope she does not move back to you. If my daughter was with someone who thinks the way you do, darn right I would tell her and I'd discourage her to be near you, as would everyone in our family and her closest friends. Any of us would pick her up any time she wanted to get out- ESPECIALLY if she was pregnant. 1
No Limit Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Please have a DNA test done once the baby is born, just to make sure you're working your butt off for YOUR child. She's as unstable as it could get, who knows what's going on in her skull. 1
Author erklat Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 (edited) Last night everything seemed fine. I was just goofing around playing some dota with my friends late since first time in over a month Sat is non working. This morning a message that I can communicate with whomever I wish to that I consider stable and not completely insane. I don't recall whom I told or if she invaded my mails/fb/whatever, but she doesn't know what she done - that chick who she contacted to pull that stunt on me is hillbilly type. She will definitely make fun of her now. I told someone that I don't need in my life that kind of gossiping that I'm with unstable woman. I don't think I can live constantly thinking I'm under surveillance and whom am I going to tell and what. Especially since I never did that in my life. I'm extremely close to telling her that I'm going to support the child but I will do NC from now on. I am working my ass off to prove myself, I have one last exam next month, I'm buying myself a car, I don't need additional stress and her constantly manipulating her with my unborn sons wellbeing. God damn, that I will end up with unstable chick was my worst nightmare. -.-' Please have a DNA test done once the baby is born, just to make sure you're working your butt off for YOUR child. She's as unstable as it could get, who knows what's going on in her skull. Thanks for your support. Edited May 16, 2015 by erklat
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 If you have a child together you don't get the luxury of NC. You will always have to talk to each other to co-parent. I do think you being apart is better. I would also encourage you both to consider adoption. Neither one of you are grown up enough to be a good parent. The child deserves better.
Author erklat Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 I can provide for my child well enough, thank you. But I don't have nerves nor capability to conform her neediness. She asked my uncles number because her father needed it. I did not give her the number straight away, and later I forgot. So she concluded that I'm ashamed of her and I don't want her to communicate with my family so I better find someone stable. Maybe I better do. Lately she's extremely clingy and on the other hand I'm extremely self sufficient. She is really smothering me.
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 It's not about the money. It's about the emotional support & the environment you & the mother will offer. You are playing video games & freaking out when the child's mother wants info about how you spend your time & with who. She is snooping through your phone, bothering your friends & calling you at inappropriate times at work. Does that look like a stable environment from which a child will develop a healthy foundation?
Author erklat Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 Her sister was the one calling me at work. I wouldn't freak out if she called me. So she upset me in the morn and my productivity was reduced for the remainder of the day. I think I'm entitled to say that only my closest family (parents excluded) are entitled to that ? Bottom line, I freaked out because only people with absolutely no occupation in their lives can come up with something like that what she did. She's good with children but she needs someone equally clingy.
BlueIris Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 I think it's a good idea to go NC. Have the guts to tell her the truth- that you believe she is insane and unstable and that you're done with the relationship except to cooperatively co-parent. If you don’t, then you are manipulating her and being dishonest, so you can't claim any superiority in respect to her.
Recommended Posts